I'm livid!

[midlifehope]

I wasn't in the room this morning, but 'd'p slapped Ds leg. Ds is 4. I am livid. Apparently ds kicked dp and threw a comic at him, but it would have been very light as ds is a good boy. Ds said ouch and started crying. I said to dp we were no longer spending the day with him. I am beyond fuming to the extent my heart is racing. I am vehemently against smacking as a discipline strategy. Is this the end for our relationship/ family? We've just bought our dream house together but are not getting on well atm.

Is DP your DS's child?? If so then, in my mind, his smack on the leg is perfectly justified. Poor DS nothing I'm afraid!!!! If DS is not actually his child then that's different.

God there's some odd people out there - telling me my 4 year old will be in jail etc. I'm leaving this thread so I dont have to interact with people like you anymore.

I guess you didn't get the responses then you wanted OP .

Massive over reaction, both your DP and your DS were wrong. Perhaps you should look at your parenting style, it's obviously not working if your DS is behaving like a wee shite at the same time look at your relationship with your DP there is obviously a lot of work to be done there too

He will be in jail before he's an adult

He's four

I don't get it, are people being over the top on purpose?

Obviously physically violnce is to be deplored but Christ on a bike talk about an over reaction. It really is a wonder those of us born before these 'enlightened times' survived our childhood....

Violence

This thread is a corker .

Op, see you still haven't seen where you are totally wrong. You must be so frustrating to live with.

Thanks OP, this is hilarious and I'm sure it's not entirely true! If it is I think you should split, it sounds like a terrible relationship. Do people really live like this?

Op, I would have reacted like you, because the instinct to protect my DC was already on high alert. It was only when my exDP hit our son that I realised that I couldn't trust him and that actually I had felt like that for a long time . There was an underlying fear that I hadn't admitted to myself. It turned out to be a valid fear (needed a non-mol 15 months later).

My question to you is, has your DP ever given you reason not to trust his parenting?

If no, and this is a bolt from the blue, then yes, perhaps acknowledge you reacted strongly and talk it through/make it clear this is a deal breaker for you.

If yes, if you feel you are constantly on edge as you don't feel DP is safely in charge of himself and the situation either when roughhousing or more generally, then there may be a problem. Do you feel sitting down and discussing it with DP will be useful, or pointless? There are huge clues in how your DP reacts to this.

I think the thread got a bit derailed over calling a child 'good', who had just kicked and thrown something at an adult. Did you mean to say he's a normal 4 yr old, not a child who often kicks/throws? My DC was not perfect, but he didn't deserve what happened to him either. It can really mess with your head.

I do think it's a little more complex than it may appear to some posters, but I could also be seeing stuff that isn't there. Hope you can figure it out.

Not quite - you get it! I'm often on egg shells. Can't place why but a lot of 'accidents' and injuries happen when d'p is around. Yes you're right - should have phrased it differently- he's not an angel but very normal, 4 year old. Once my son said his dad had bit him. Dp insisted he had his lips over his teeth but it still left a mark. Another time while play fighting, ds fell and got a massive bruise on his thigh. I am constantly expecting something to kick off when dp is there and it messes with your head - totally.

OP there are many who would not find your post over the top. I dont think taking a while to reach calm reflection (which you did reach) means you like drama.

Most experts in relation to children - health, psychology etc support making ALL hitting of children illegal.

In many countries a parent slapping a child would be committing an unlawful act - legislators are not hysterical, drama queens. Hitting children is simply viewed as wrong. As wrong and unacceptable as spousal abuse. I think in the future we will reach a point too where we would no more accept the response of "dont be so dramatic, go talk it through, it does no harm etc" to hitting a child than we would accept that response to a husband slapping his wife. That you are mocked for your reaction shows we're sadly a long way off.

Re examples such as hitting a 2 year old. The law was never left woolly to allow for loss of temper/lashing out. It was left as it is because of the (unsupported by evidence) notion that hitting is effective discipline. You'll be hard pushed to find any respected advocates of corporal punishment supporting smacking a child so young.

NotQuiteSoOnEdges post re context of your feelings and DPs reaction is really useful.

Cross post. Seems like you have a lot to think about. I do wonder about rough play being quite different to angry actions? You will know your own situation better. Misjudging play fighting feels quite different to me to the unacceptable discipline. Does your DP react angrily, eg, shouting, in a way that makes you uncomfortable? I would try and unpick the accidents/injuries situation and the smacking/anger issue.

Your DP bit your son? He appears to act like a 4 yr old more than your son. Even if he had his lips over his teeth it is still a very strange thing to do, that would worry me more than the smack tbh. It seems like this 'play fighting' gets completely out of hand and your DP seems to forget he is the adult and should be setting an example to your DS.

If it were me I would ban all play fighting until one of them grows up enough. (DP) - I would also sit him down and give him a good talking to (again DP) - don't want to be dramatic but sometimes it just takes that one silly action for something serious to happen.

Dripfeed of the century...

Jeez this is the weirdest thread ever. Did it migrate into AIBU for a while there?

Fwiw since she's undoubtedly decamped to netmums I agree with op on smacking. And I just LOVE it when people say 'I was smacked and it didn't hurt me'. My FIL says this - he's the most emotionally unavailable human being I have ever met...

#justsayin'

And I just LOVE it when people say 'I was smacked and it didn't hurt me'

I usually reply with, "Yes my ex regularly gave me a slap for stepping out of line and it didn't do me any harm in the long run" and for some reason it's totally different

After all this, you've just remembered your dp bit your child?!

Op, batshit or not, you need to talk to your partner. It sounds like you neither like nor trust him, that must be a shit way to live.

I hope you find a way through.

Well, I'm glad I could help, but sorry my experiences echo yours.

Have you tried to talk to DP? Can he take on board your concerns?

I think if someone came on here and said they threw a book at their dh and then kicked him, and he slapped their leg, I doubt the response would be LTB. Dh broke my ribs when he was drunk, probably a different response.

#greatreadwhenhungover

I'm often on egg shells
Well this changes things considerably. At the beginning of this thread you came across all PFB with a little darling could do no wrong and his poor Dad getting all your wrath.
But now it seems to me that your DP is a complete twat. I'd say it is pretty normal for a Dad to play fight with his kids but not to the point where the child is getting hurt.
a lot of 'accidents' and injuries happen when dp is around*

• This is not normal. You need to tell your DP to grow up calm it down a bit.

I am waiting for op to "remember" her DP dangled their son from a hotel balcony while play fighting but she forgot to mention it until now.

He dangled her son from a balcony? Op are you married to Michael Jackson?

I have reported this thread and the sock puppeting. I did get a reply from MNHQ saying they had detected sockpuppeting on the thread and would look into it but haven't done much about it. I do think sockpuppeting should be an automatic deletion.