I'm livid!

[midlifehope]

I wasn't in the room this morning, but 'd'p slapped Ds leg. Ds is 4. I am livid. Apparently ds kicked dp and threw a comic at him, but it would have been very light as ds is a good boy. Ds said ouch and started crying. I said to dp we were no longer spending the day with him. I am beyond fuming to the extent my heart is racing. I am vehemently against smacking as a discipline strategy. Is this the end for our relationship/ family? We've just bought our dream house together but are not getting on well atm.

Interesting how so many think teaching a child not to be violent is best done by being violent

No one has said that, at all!

OP, stop trying to control your DP... talk to him. To be sacred that he can't control himself implies that you don't trust him and can't/won't let him be a parent without your explicit permission.

Talk to him. Calmly. As a discussion rather than a telling off. You have noticed that their roughhousing now ends up with DS losing his inhibitions/gets over excited and then your DP loses his patience... talk that through with DP and let him explain to his son why they both behaved badly. Allow your DP to be a dad... which was not clear in your OP... and allow him to work through his own parenting style.

If he is not a totally lost cause, violent twat, he'll get it, he will understand.

Exactly quokka

Are you just going to ignore everyone who doesn't agree with you, OP?

Oh well OP, you're only listening to the two people on this thread you want to.

Your poor DP doesnr stand a chance of any discussion does he? One sided relarionship you have there.

Xpost Walter.

She doesn't want to listen to anyone else it appears.

Yes I am listening but you are apparently minimising how abhorrent I find physical punishment

You've been asked lots of questions, OP, which you haven't answered.

Then a) teach your DS not to do it, why is he kicking people and throwing things at them? And b) talk - amazing thing we can do that - to your DP about it. Like adults.

Well then it seems you've answered your own question, OP.

Yes I have answered some questions- which others would you like answering?

But does your DH know this? Have you ever had the conversation? Tbh while I do not agree with physical punishment, it's hardly the end of the world. Just agree a strategy for dealing with bad behaviour. And if he doesn't stick to it, then think about the relationship.

Why did you post?

I understand you find physical punishment abhorrent. I personally think you're being a total drama llama but that's neither here nor there.

You and your dp have different discipline styles, clearly.

So why haven't you talked about what is acceptable and what isn't?

Are you seriously asking people whether you should end your relationship over this? Nobody can tell you that. Only you know what is a dealbreaker and what isn't.

FWIW I don't hit my children, ever. But I don't assume that people who have smacked are all raging child abusers.

Unfortunately, it was an open and acceptable way to discipline for a very long time and obviously some people still think so.

Ok so how is it better - option 1 dad stops the game takes a serious tone and says kicking and throwing is not on - comic has now gone away you need to say sorry for kicking because we don't hurt people. Option 2 he lashes out and slaps him because that is what you do if you are annoyed/don't agree. Absent the heat of the moment how many people say the slap
Is the way forward. Adults can control the heat of the moment.

xpost pocket,. Must say, to me it seems OP is ignoring everyone who has a different opinion and has asked questions, but has answered her own question.

That

Teach your DS not to kick people.
Talk to your DP

No one is minimising anything. You can be as livid as you like, find any behaviour abhorrent. But the adult thing is to deal with it rather than throw a tanty over it.

Calm down a little bit and talk to your DP.

You need to set some solid rules. This would be a big deal for me because I am vehemently opposed to hitting children and would never do it. My dh was hit as a child, but agrees with me that it's never a solution.

It doesn't have to mean the end of your family life, you just need to have a proper discussion and set some rules about what is OK when disciplining your ds.

It seems that you feel your dp is unable to parent your ds. You state that he doesn't set boundaries in one breath while slating him for disciplining him for kicking him and throwing something at him in the next.

You need to sit and have a quiet calm conversation with your dp so you are both parenting the same way. And then let him parent! You are seriously undermining him and it seems from the two examples you've given that you don't trust him to be his dad and are critical of his way of being a dad. Has he actually had a chance to be deal with anything without you jumping in and 'sorting things out'?

Your ds is not a good boy. He's a normal 4 year old who has kicked his dad and thrown a comic at him which is not my definition of good but it is normal. You are minimising his behaviour and in danger of becoming one of those parents who can't see their childs wrongdoings.

I would like you to answer:-

Do not think what your son has done is wrong?

Have you talked to him about it?

Is he sorry for it?

Have you discussed physical punishment with your DP?

After he slapped your DS what did you say?

Did he agree it wa ps wrong?

What did he say?

Why won't you sit down like an adult with your DP and tell him how you feel?

Why didn't you do the above without running off with your DS like a petulant chikd?

Through that's a lot of questions- don't feel like writing a thesis to be honest!

Oh dear, the "my child's a good boy" rings in my ears of parents whose children are usually brats.

No he is not a good boy. He is a 4 year old.

So what if you partner slapped his leg. It didn't leave a mark and he won't be emotionally scarred by it. The fact that he cried shows that he was remorseful. The worst thing that happened is that you undermined DP by what you said and by showing so much emotion - now your 4 yo knows that he will be able to be a complete brat with your DP and he can get away with it because you will take his side.

So you don't want to take part in the thread you've started OP? What's the point of it then .

Your dp is a Cunt and your ds is an Angel op. Does that soothe you enough?

That's OK, midlife you really don't have to answer them.

But do think about them. You seem to be really wound up about this, so much so that your posting comes across as very 'set' and rigid.

You as if this is the end of your relationship/family... well, to be honest, yes, it could be. But not necessarily just because of what your DP did. Your reaction to it could also cause issues. For that reason it might be a good idea to have another look at that list of questions and try to think them all through, calmly and honestly.

Good luck.

wow start a thread on mn and get bullied!

ODFOD.

Nobody has been bullied!