Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm livid!

217 replies

midlifehope · 19/03/2016 18:04

I wasn't in the room this morning, but 'd'p slapped Ds leg. Ds is 4. I am livid. Apparently ds kicked dp and threw a comic at him, but it would have been very light as ds is a good boy. Ds said ouch and started crying. I said to dp we were no longer spending the day with him. I am beyond fuming to the extent my heart is racing. I am vehemently against smacking as a discipline strategy. Is this the end for our relationship/ family? We've just bought our dream house together but are not getting on well atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 19/03/2016 19:28

I just can't square modelling slapping as a way of stopping kickiing -it's fucking idiotic and that's why i may appear 'set'

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 19:32

Slapping him was wrong.

However, you are clearly unable to admit that your child isnt the "good boy" you are convinced he is. If he was then he wouldnt kick someone or throw something at them.

You dont have to hit a child to discipline them, but you do need to discipline them. What would you have done if he had kicked you or thrown something?

And making excuses that it would only have been a light kick is frankly ridiculous. Its the priniciple that counts, not the force used, as I am sure you would say to your DP if he said that the slap was only a light tap.

Do you often undermine him or tell him that he is doing the wrong thing for your child?

OurBlanche · 19/03/2016 19:36

I get that, as does everyone else posting, I would imagine.

What I am trying to say is that your implacable approach to this isn't helping, not you, not your DS, nor your DP.

You need to find a way to work through how you feel in a way that leaves you able to act rather than simply react. Your reaction is as 'fucking idiotic' as that of your DP and reacting as angrily, stomping off, doesn't model a better behaviour for your DS.

I know you won't read this as I intend, you are still angry, but, with the best of intentions, calm down, take a deep breath and try to work out why you can't talk to your DP about this

Once you know that you really will have answered your own question about the future of your relationship. Until then you are just remaining angry and not processing the important stuff... how best to deal with this for your DS... and you... and your DP.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 19/03/2016 19:37

I get you, Midlife. I felt like it was the end of my relationship on a couple of occasions when DP has shouted at our DD1. Not everyone parents in the same way or relates to others in the same way, and whereas in my book, shouting is out of order, and not something I get into unless really exasperated, DP thinks he is more "expressive", socially inept, in my book . I don't shout at, or smack, anyone else in my life, so really don't want to do either to my kids. We talked about it and have agreed to disagree, but I am not one inch closer to thinking it's OK. If it was a regular thing it would be the end.

Jw35 · 19/03/2016 19:37

I think most people agree that smacking isn't the best the way to deal with your son's behaviour but your reaction is beyond extreme! Your dp is your son's father so it's about time you had a chat about discipline! How on earth have you parented together for the last 4 years? Confused

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/03/2016 19:38

I get that your DP is wrong and you need to talk to him about expectations when bringing your (as in both of you) child.

But as an aside, have you said to your child about kicking and throwing things around?

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 19/03/2016 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

spiceynutsaddiction · 19/03/2016 19:44

OP I find it really strange that people respond very differently to a child being slapped than an adult. I see no justification in slapping as a form of discipline. He hit his child and it would be a big deal to me.

I get the argument that it was once acceptable so it may seem normal. If it would come as a complete shock to your husband that generally nowadays people don't hit their children then there would be some validity to that point and the need to discuss. But I am sure he knows there are better ways to parent.

There are many things that would have been culturally acceptable in a marriage years ago but we wouldn't use that argument if a man abused his wife.

It would matter a lot to me and I would probably be saying if it happens again that would be a deal breaker. I'm clearly not in line with other posters so I'm going to re-read comments and have a think. But to me it's always been the one thing I know for sure I couldn't tolerate.

Talk to him and see how he reacts. I'd want him to be feeling a bit ashamed about his loss of control. I'd want him to realise himself that he was the adult in the situation and handled it badly. If he doesn't get that I would consider there to be a fairly substantial difference in your parenting that may be hard to get past.

OohMavis · 19/03/2016 19:45

A small child will sometimes find it difficult to control their emotions, and will sometimes hit their parent and lash out unreasonably.

What's the DP's excuse?

Sorry but I don't know why OP is getting a hard time here. Would you all seriously be ok with a grown man hitting your child because they'd been naughty?

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/03/2016 19:48

The only time I have smacked my dd is when she was about 2. I was changing her nappy and she kicked me and I slapped her leg. Totally reflex action.

She is 16 and jt didn't harm her.

OohMavis · 19/03/2016 19:48

OP I find it really strange that people respond very differently to a child being slapped than an adult.

Me too.

OurBlanche · 19/03/2016 19:52

In essence no one is responding differently to the slap - it is not an acceptable form of punishment.

Some of us are far more concerned that the OP is clearly struggling to process this in a constructive manner. If you want to continue to snipe go for it, I'd rather find a way of communicating with OP in a way that is useful to her, even if it isn't what she currently wants to hear.

At this moment in time OPs reaction and ability to do what is right for her and her DS, and DP, is more important than a discussion about who is right/wrong. That can come later.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/03/2016 19:53

spicey just pondering here. No one on here has said the boy deserved it. No one has said the DP is right. No one has said that they would smack their own child. No one has said they would support their DP smacking. I think the DP shouldnr have smacked, it may have been a knee jerk reaction, he may be regretting it. Who knows? Certainly not the OP. She just went off in a huff with her angelic son.

But you've suggested the op might not get past this. Ergo they separate. What I find interesting is that the DP is therefire now a separated parent who will be able to parent his DS in the way he wants whilst he has him his care. How would the op feel abiut that?! . Surely trying to get to the same page on parenting together is preferable to all that?

Lethimbloodygrowup · 19/03/2016 19:57

Whats wrong with giving a kid a little slap, never did me any harm!

I feel very sorry for your DP

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/03/2016 20:00

I feel like half the posters on here are asking me to behave like a 1950s house wife and look the other way / have a gentle chat with the man of the house in a way that won't rock the patriarchal boat. Sod that! Dp often goads Ds then gets surprised when ds lashes out. 10 minutes or so before this incident dp was hanging ds by the ankles behind his back over a flagstone floor and chucking on sofa

OP posts:
spiceynutsaddiction · 19/03/2016 20:01

I get what you are saying about separating. Thats a tough one.

But I do find it really odd to respond by talking about the child's behaviour. That absolutely would not happen if he has slapped his wife. I cannot find it in me to feel any differently about a child being hit. So I find it odd that the response to the OP is not, yes, you are right to be outraged. Your DH needs to see that what he did was absolutely wrong. He has an issue controlling his anger that he needs to take responsibility for. He needs to recognise that there are better ways to be parent etc etc
And in that context the OP can agree parenting techniques.

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/03/2016 20:01

Grow up, that's funny (or are you for real?)

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 20:02

Some of us are far more concerned that the OP is clearly struggling to process this in a constructive manner. If you want to continue to snipe go for it, I'd rather find a way of communicating with OP in a way that is useful to her, even if it isn't what she currently wants to hear.

I agree.

And until she talks to him about it, she wont know what was behind it. I once slapped DD on the leg (she is 18 now so no lasting damage I dont think) because she was having a tantrum, threw her head back and caught me across the bridge of my nose. I genuinely thought that she had broken and the pain was unbelievable. It was a knee jerk reaction that stayed with me far longer than the 2 black eyes I ended up with, I felt terrible about it. What I wouldnt have needed was someone going bananas at me about something I already felt awful about and then storming off without discussing it further. I have never used slapping as a punishment, for a start I dont think it works as my parents did and if anything it made my behaviour worse. But I did do it that once, I am not perfect.

The only way the OP can be sure that this isnt his chosen parenting method and isnt going to be a regular things is by talking to him, something she seems to not want to do. And her comments about her son are very telling. He is the Golden Boy and her DP is the villain it seems. Thats not going to create a healthy father son relationship is it?

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 20:04

I feel like half the posters on here are asking me to behave like a 1950s house wife and look the other way / have a gentle chat with the man of the house in a way that won't rock the patriarchal boat.

Well you may feel that, but thats not what I am seeing.

A sensible way forward is to discuss methods of discipline that you both feel work and you both feel happy with. Going off in the deep end and then refusing to discuss it is just as bad as saying "Yes dear, whatever you think" imo.

I suspect that you posted wanting to be told that you are 100% right and are not stroppy because it has been suggested that while he was wrong, your reaction isnt right either.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 20:05

not = now

Waltermittythesequel · 19/03/2016 20:07

I feel like half the posters on here are asking me to behave like a 1950s house wife and look the other way / have a gentle chat with the man of the house in a way that won't rock the patriarchal boat.

Oh yes, that's what we're all saying.

One would wonder why you're still with this awful excuse for a parent...

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/03/2016 20:07

Perhaps I should give dp a little slap when he comes home.... Just to teach him his behaviour was not right. It won't leave a mark or do any long lasting harm

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 19/03/2016 20:10

OK. I can see that further discussion will be useless, so I am off, 100% concentration on the rugby.

Bye! I hope you can re-read the thread and see that you are misreading many posts... it might help you!

callitdelta7 · 19/03/2016 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookAtMeGo · 19/03/2016 20:12

I think your discipline methods clearly aren't working if your child kicked his dad and threw something at him. I don't snack mine and they have never done anything like that. And this is a kid you describe as 'good' Shock