starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

Oh good lord, she's sounds AWFUL.
I'm so sorry she's behaving like such a wanker. And your husband is just as bad, he needs to stand up to his mum and support you.

Please try and get to your cousins this morning if you can.

Congratulations on DD, I bet she's gorgeous

MIL doesn't care how you feel and neither does your DH.

emmyr,

I am so sorry but not altogether surprised to read that your DH is not standing up to his mother; he will not be able to do so perhaps ever. He is far more afraid of her and stills seeks her approval at your overall expense.

You and baby need to stay well away from his mother as of now and I would also agree that her actions could put you on a fast track to full blown PND. Bad behaviour does not get rewarded by you visiting her.

Her conditioning of your DH at her hands has had far reaching effects on him and on you and your child now. He may never be able to completely stand up for himself and in turn you people here. FWIW I doubt very much that his mother will ever respect you as both a person and a parent and will do everything possible to undermine you and in turn your child. This is a further continuation of her behaviours. Its her way or no way as far as she is concerned.

What your MIL did taking your week old baby off you & taking it into work was awful. You need to share this with your health visitor, it will help her to understand how bad things are.
Go home, or to your cousin's asap.
I know you've just given birth & that dh should man up & protect his family, but he isn't. Unleash your inner lioness and protect your baby.
For dh to threaten that he'd leave you & your beautiful baby for his mother is pathetic. He still wants to be her little boy because it's easier than standing up to her & being a father himself. Think of Ronnie Corbett' s character in Sorry.
Get yourself and your baby well away from this toxic family.

You really dont need the pressure of this toxic woman and your useless DH to tip YOU into PND. You have waiting so long for this - so you need to decide that your MIL is toxic, your DH is useless (might not be his fault atm) - but YOU are right. Your GUT is right (everyone here agrees with you) - dont get drawn into your DH version of normal - it isnt it is FOG and dysfunctional placating some nutter.

So you know what is normal - you decide that you will bring normal to your new family - and you lead it - push thru DH, FIL and MIL - its your way only- yout baby, your house your rules - anyone who steps out of line just needs to clear off.

Dont worry about getting into conflict with your MIL - she wont like it so who cares - she will need to just suck it up.

But you are v vulnerable here - so protect upirself - put yourself in a cocoon from their toxicity...leave now otherwise you could tip inot PND

Jeez she sounds nice

Why are you still there rather than at home - have I missed something? I thought you were just there before going to hospital.

DH needs to man up and stop letting his mother bully you.

Why are you still there?

Get in the car and take dd home

Tell dh to follow when he grown a pair and cut mummy's apron strings.

I echo what others have said, you are at risk of developing PND. What is your DH thinking, this is such a vulnerable time in your life & he is not supporting you at all. He needs to back you up.

I'd be going home today. Right. Now.

I had issues with mil last year. No baby involved although it's much wanted I dread what she'd do...

We were on holiday in her home country. She upset me so much I booked a flight home. On my own. I'm terrified of flying. And flew from NZ to Hong Kong to London on my own. I was that upset and angry with her. And Dh.

I'm hoping that you are no longer there.

I appreciate how difficult it is, when essentially you have three people telling you how unreasonable you are and to do as you are told. However, this is your baby (not some parcel that can be handed out to some randoms) and you get to decide what happens.

You cannot reason with her, she has already stamped all over you and your DH has allowed that to happen. I would tell your midwife/HV to get some support, they may even be able to get through to your DH (just maybe).

BTW, If anyone ever took my baby from my arms (even if it was a family member), they would know never to do that again. If she does it again (which she will), you need to take the baby back and walk away. If DH, has an issue with that. Tell him " you seemed to be fine when she did it to you but not the other way around? WTF!......everytime, she snatches my baby from me I will take her back, until she learns to ask...like any normal person would".

Just saw my typo:

That should say best money you'll ever spend not "new" money you'll ever spend!

And also congratulations on your Dd.

Take the baby back anytime she does that. And whenever your dh has the baby go take her out of his arms and see how he likes it. She is teeny tiny and mil should not be taking her out of your sight.

Oh love, your dh has let you down badly here.
I hope that you are on your way home

I have only really hated one person in my life and that was my mil. Hate is such a wasteful emotion and it nearly consumed me. Then one day I realised my mil was an extremely sad , bitter and lonely woman who had managed to push most of the people who cared about her away. Then I actually felt sorry for her. I was never fully reconciled with her for all the hurt she caused but I was able to let things go and when she died we were at least on talking terms. Please for your own sake try and find a way of dealing with your mil if not then perhaps avoid her for a while until you can find a way. Good luck

I'm pregnant with my second at the moment so I totally understand the emotional roller coaster you are on right now.

That said I agree with a pp who said that you need some space or you are running the risk of PND. I waited 5 years for my first so I really do get it but you need to think about your own health and wellbeing.

I understand posters saying you need to establish boundaries and stand up to your MIL but you also need to take care of yourself. Right now you sound very distressed and stressed out at the situation. Anything this woman does right now is going to annoy you. Best to remove yourself and your baby and just get home.

You can tackle the rest when you're feeling strong and empowered otherwise you're going to round and round in circles.

We're on our way to my cousin's now and I'm stopping there tonight but going back to the in laws tomorrow morning so dh's brother (who is a complete and utter superstar and WILL put his mum in her place) can meet dd

The guilt trips have continued. I've held my baby long enough to feed her this morning and then she was taken downstairs to his mum along with another guilt trip "I'd take her down while I have breakfast, but my mum will have a hold and that will annoy you"

Today is really difficult as it is as we're going to be taking dd to meet my grandad and it's making me miss my dad like crazy (he died in 2009)

Oh honey, this is not how your first few weeks should be with your baby :( You need to Try stand up for yourself somehow or this will just get worse :(

I really feel so much sympathy with you. I am going through a similar thing with my MIL, her behaviour towards me has gone way beyond since we announced our engagement, we are getting married in 2 weeks and she is doing everything in her power to divide us.

It seems to me that she know the effect she is having on you, and enjoys the control. That is a red-flag and seems to me that the woman might have narcissistic personality disorder. My own parents have it and I went No Contact with them a couple of years ago. Now I have a mother in law with the disorder, and a FIL who lets her get away with murder rather than risk her wrath. My husband to be started sitting up and listening to me, finally, after repeated bad behaviour and some physical shoving, this week after we went over their house and she started laying into me about wedding plans, raising her voice with me, even though she has never offered to help with the plans and isn't paying for any of it. I received NO back up from my OH. I lost my rag. In the middle of a crowded city centre. It was beautiful. I am not usually like this but I'd finally had enough. I haven't gone through 40 years of bullshit to take on the same role in HIS family.

The less I see her now the happier I will be. I will be very very very busy after the wedding. Like, forever. I found this site very helpful (link at the end) and I suggest you have a look and come to your own conclusions about whether you think her behaviour towards you fits this description. I'm not sure if I am allowed to post links, please forgive me if not, this is my first time posting because I felt you might benefit from seeing her behaviour in the context of a personality disorder, not just her being a "difficult woman". It really helps. It isn't you love, you could be anyone, and she would be the same with her. It's not about you, what you are like, how lovable you are. You're just a girl trying to love her baby and her little family.

Things have improved greatly since I went absolutely batshit with my DH for being a weak minded arse. Not because their behaviour has changed but we have some strategies to deal with it. The first thing to go was this falsehood between us that they love me. They do not. So I said I won't be asking after them because it is fake now, I just don't care. I've had a year of this rubbish.

I feel empathy for him too, for having such shits as parents. I am trying to make him see that his 'loving parents' are not actually, they do not love him if they will bully his future spouse. I went through it myself so I am glad because I know the behaviours and I had her pegged from the beginning as a dodgy customer. I would imagine for you as someone who has a nice normal loving family that this must all seem completely incomprehensible. Especially with the added baby issue (we have no children, yet I lurk on here anyway, it might happen one day if we can get this sorted out, not before).

Check out this link if it is allowed, this is a woman who is like you, raised by loving parents, trying to deal with her husband's denial and avoidance. I wish you loads of luck. Congratulations on your lovely daughter. FWIW, my meek and mild older sister did a compete 180 when she had my niece, she said sometimes it is hard to stick up for yourself, but when you're a mother everything changes, and you learn to not take any crap. She was like a dragon with our mother, after mother came to the hospital when she was told not to. It is a really common boundary violation.

Avoid this woman as much as you are able to. Low contact, with agreed boundaries. And even if he doesn't agree, do it anyway. My boundaries are: I am never going round her house, never looking after them in old age, never being alone with them, if something happens when we do see them (Infrequently on my part, he can do what he likes) he must back me up if I say something to them or if I simply leave, he must come with me even if he thinks I am wrong. He must never share any personal information about me with them if he sees them alone. Keep it all very bland. Try making your own list of boundaries that you would like to see enforced. Pin them on the fridge if you have to. Get support from your friends and family. Talk to them about this. You need allies.

Please take this seriously, don't wind up like me losing your health and sanity, which I am almost getting back.

here are strategies though, take heart. The "But we took you to Stately Homes" thread is excellent, people will understand what you are going through in there. It's about narcissistic parents. It may help you to understand what your husband is feeling. Emmyr, take care, don't let your guard down. Best wishes love

narcissisticmil.wordpress.com

You have a husband problem. I'm sorry.

Does dh seriously expect your relationship with his mother to ever recover from this? What about your relationship with him, what permanent damage is he letting happen here? You won't ever forget these few days. I usually have sympathy for men so damaged and intimidated and enmeshed with toxic mothers, but at least most show some guilt or distress at what is happening to their wife, or some conflict of feeling. From what you're describing yours is completely unmoved by your feelings and responses and is actively on dm's side against you. How dare he be sniping at you and guilt tripping you? Who does he think he is?

Sweetie please stop holding still while they treat you like this. If you do what you've always done you will get from them what you have always got. You need to take dd and go, make it very, very clear that behaving like this is no longer an option.

Do you need to go back to PIL's once dbil has met dd?
Can you just send dh in future?

I can't believe that your husband threatened divorce if you kept your baby away from his mother. Like how does it even get to that point? Emotionally blackmailing his then pregnant wife. He seriously needs a reality check because his behaviour is pretty fucking awful. And then to start on you again this morning over bringing your newborn downstairs.

Please look after yourself OP. You are staring PND in the face because of all this and it's not going to get better unless something changes. You need a supportive DH right now, not a useless twat who panders to his mother's rotten disgusting behaviour. I would distance yourself from MIL from now on. You are entitled to say no. You have options - you don't have to put up with it and you don't have to allow them to visit and if they do visit, you don't have to allow them stay hours. You also don't have to pass your baby around. Your baby is a little person who only needs you right now, not selfish MIL. I really think it was the utmost disrespect to both you and in particular, your newborn, to be just handed to some strange work colleague of MILs. Your baby is not a doll but MIL is treating her like one.

I'm fuming for you.
Do not go to pils again. Just don't you need to be resting and enjoying your baby.

And you need to tell your husband that you will never forget the way him and his mother are treating you.

No court in the land will take a cared for, breastfed baby off its mother by the way. I'd be telling him to sling his fecking hook and go back to mummy

Agree you need to tell Dh you are not happy again I've had to repeat repeat repeat with mine.

He finally gets it. I don't speak to mil. I don't Skype. i won't go anywhere she is. I'm not stopping him from seeing his mum. But I don't need to be treated like shit. And especially not while on holiday. She visited us here and basically pushed me out of my own house she belittled me in public and made me feel about 2 ft tall. I've told Dh never again. It's clear that she thinks I'm not good enough. So I don't need to bother with her. He now sorts her presents, his visits (he has said he doesn't want to travel to NZ without me but I'm not going that far to be insulted - I've said I'll go back once I have a proper apology from her for her behaviour towards me but her apologies are rarer than hens teeth) and anything else to do with her.