starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

Congratulations on your gorgeous babe!

Good he's not saying a friend upset you but that doesn't go far enough still. Mil needs to hear it in the format of 'no. You did X, and that was not acceptable hence consequence y.' "You pulled her newborn from her arms. We both found that shocking and potentially dangerous. You must not do that again.'

Do NOT stay with them! Stay with your cousin. Do not visit them. If they kick off, you just say 'mil took my newborn from my arms. I asked her not to. Until she can behave appropriately I'm not comfortable having her around the baby.' You dh needs to see how upset you are- right now upsetting you gives him less grief than upsetting his mum. That needs to change. I rarely advocate emotional pressure but you need to have a full on hormonal meltdown at him and make him understand that pissing mummy off is preferable to your Wrath.

Congratulations on your new arrival!

Fingers crossed that your mill stats respecting your boundaries asap!

Congratulations on your DD.

Have you said straight out to him "Who is more important to keep happy? Me or your mum? Because on the most important day of our lives you were more concerned with keeping her happy when you knew her actions were upsetting me."

He has a child now. I understand it's very hard to juggle family loyalties, esp between your mother and your wife, but now your daughter is here his first priority must be his own family, before his parents.
Uncomfortable conversations will have to be had, however he might find his mother respects him for it.

My experiences with DC1 & 2 were very different due to DC1 being prem and high-needs, if an overbearing MIL had taken him off me it would have broken me.
With DC2 I could have been more rational and told her not to.

If you're up to it, perhaps it's best that you stop waiting for DH to step up and just tell her straight yourself.
Don't worry about causing ructions, just protect your family. She may adjust to New Assertive Emmy better than you think.

emmyr

re your comment:-
"Well he didn't say anything to his dad and I'm not surprised to be honest. It's a case of him putting off what he needs to do to keep his mum happy once again"

Indeed and I am not surprised either. She'll find something else to be unhappy about soon enough. Her conditioning of him at her hands has had far reaching effects on him and on you and your child now. He may never be able to completely stand up for himself and in turn you people here. FWIW I doubt very much that she will ever respect you as a person and a parent and will do everything possible to undermine you and in turn your child. There were also further indications of this from her well before your DD was born too. Its her way or no way as far as she is concerned.

She is also the master of guilt tripping him; I doubt very much if he will at all be able to do that and that is counter productive a measure anyway. Also he probably reverts to child like mode in her presence and becomes overawed by her. She controls the strings totally here.

I also doubt very much that she will want to speak to him for very long before she goes off to her bingo as well. Why wait until then anyway, he could have had this conversation over and done with by now. Again his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him.

Re your comment:-
"I've told him any sign of her not respecting me then I WILL be heading to my cousin's house with the baby and will not be stepping foot inside that house until she can learn to listen to us as parents".

What was his response to that?
Do you honestly think that she can learn to listen to you as parents, there is no sign at all of that happening and it will not happen either. I would stay well away from her altogether, she is not a nice example of a grandparent figure.

I would not reward her bad behaviours further by visiting; this just sends her the message that you are really putty in her hands.

Attila speaks sense.
If you stay at theirs they are in control. Which of these scenarios is less stressful?

A. You stay at cousins, mil pops round to see you, then has to leave because it isn't her space or
B. You stay at mils and when (not if) she misbehaves you have all the stress of packing up and announcing you're leaving.

Just stay at your cousins from now on. Either mil visits you there, or you visit her briefly at hers (and then you can just pick up your bags and go when she pisses on you).

He actually agreed with me that if I felt that bad that I needed to get out of the house and go to my cousin's, it was probably a good idea. He doesn't want to believe that his own mum would be capable of causing so much hurt, but says he would support whatever decision I made and from the way he was talking he was actually contemplating coming with us if it came to that as my cousin would welcome us all with open arms.

I think the plan is to head over there as planned as we're meant to be seeing dh's grandparents that day, but not take the bags out of the car until night if by some miracle she manages to behave herself. Then if she gives any sign of what I'm expecting her to be like then all we need to do is get the baby in the car and head off.

And given her past behaviour she only has one chance and if she screws it up then I'm out of the door. She doesn't care about upsetting me, so I'm not going to bend over backwards to keep her happy. This is a long awaited baby (5 years of ttc) and I refuse to let her spoil it

"Do you honestly think that she can learn to listen to you as parents, there is no sign at all of that happening"

The baby's only been here a week - at least give things a chance before blowing family out of the water completely!

You really must show a united front though, DH can't let you go to your cousin's on your own - MIL would have a field day with that. Plus he needs to be sure she knows why you're leaving.
I hope both she and he pleasantly surprise you, but well done for being prepared in case they don't.

Congrats Emm -- I hope that you are savouring you long awaited joy....

How did it go on Thurs? Did you MIL behave herself?

Your DH is trying to tap dance around her to placate her -- and when he does this he has HIS needs front of mind as HE cant do simple confrontation - HE is putting HIS feelings and the the needs of his mother above YOU.

He is wrong. But looks like he isnt capable yet - so you need to train him up.

In the interim - you both need to be v v direct - and lay down the boundaries and consequences. You need to lead on the decisions and what words need to be said and when to her (not the Dad) but the words need to come out of your DH mouth....with you both standing/sitting shoulder to shoulder and the words are always "We want to....

She is over bearing - everybody knows it - most people dont have to suffer it - dont let her steal your joy.

Good luck.

Oh it just gets better and better ...

I knew it was going to be like this. Me getting guilt tripped by dh into letting that witch keep hold of her for as long as she wants. I'm actually sat in their conservatory right now, trying to cool down and keep from losing my temper as I've not been able to hold her for as long as I want to without guilt trips from dh to give in and let his mum hold her.

We got here thursday pretty much as soon as she was due to leave for work. I'd been bullied by dh into giving dd to her as soon as we got there so she could have a cuddle. And I thought I would be nice and let her carry her up to her work place so she could have a bit longer of a cuddle. BIG MISTAKE! We got up there and her work mate came racing out and took our baby out of mil's arms, some random woman that I don't know touching MY baby!!! And then to top it all off mil actually took her into work, where we couldn't go and was gone for about 10 minutes, despite being told how panicky I've been. So obviously that was to test the waters and see how much she could get away with. And again I was let down by dh, because he let me cry and get worked up and I had to tell him to phone her and get her to bring the baby back out to us!

And then we were talking about how much it's getting to me when people take her from my arms. Trying to get it through the selfish cow's thick skull about how she made me feel in hospital. And she turned around and said "oh I could tell by the look on your face when I took dd from you for a cuddle in hospital", so she could tell how I was feeling, yet still decided to take her away from me.

I really do despise the woman. I'm sick and tired of being made to feel worthless while we're here. I try and talk to dh and I get the guilt trip that they're just excited and want to spend as much time as possible with her while we're here.

We're out all day tomorrow, but there's no way on earth I'm rushing back so I can be pushed to one side by dh and his parents. He has been worse than useless and I don't feel strong enough to actually stand up for myself against 3 other people

Oh dear.

TBH if you are not strong enough to stand up to your MIL and your DH won't perhaps just refuse to see her for the time being?

Time to go to your cousins without you dh

Honestly... He is a father now and his job is to protect his dd. If he can't stand up to his mother then he is falling at the first hurdle.

Go to your cousins and look after the both of you.

If you haven't the strength to fight, you have to go with flight. Are you willing to go to your cousin?

We were actually having an argument about his mum while I was pregnant once (probably about my fears that have materialised into reality like I knew they would) and he (100% seriously) turned around and said he would divorce me if I ever kept the baby away from her. No joking from him, he was actually being serious

I'm going to let rip as soon as they go to bed, once she eventually gets her claws out of my child Going to my cousin tonight just isn't an option as it would take me long enough to get dd ready and then at least 45 minutes to an hour to get over there

I know your MIL is overbearing and annoying but try to see it from her pov.

You have your baby ALL the time, she only gets to see her when you visit and naturally she wants to make the most of the time she gets. I think by you being so upset about it just makes her worse.

In a few months you'll be grateful to her for taking the baby from you for a bit :o

I might be way off track but just my bit of musing.

Sweetie she knows exactly what she's doing and she's telling you to your face she's enjoying the power trip. This is the time now for a major wake up call for dh. Take dd and go, to your parents, to your cousin, just go. And stay there, without him. Let him do some chasing and apologising and realise you being his mother'so victim is not an option. He's behaving disgracefully.

SallyVating I've been more than accomodating to my mil with regards to her holding the baby and having contact with her (bear in mind dd is only 9 days old). I haven't said anything to her about how it makes me feel as I've been trying to keep my husband happy. I've just taken myself out of the way because I can feel myself getting more and more wound up. But even if I had shown how upset I am it doesn't give her the right to behave this way.

We tried for this baby for 5 years, is it any wonder that I don't really want her away from me at the moment?

She doesn't care how you feel. Dh doesn't care how you feel. He was actually ok with letting you cry and panic so mummy got her fun. They don't need explanations, it isn't that they don't understand. I'm afraid you've reached the point of being bluntly very specific and rude right back and consequences. Screw with you and you and baby walk away. you can also at this point blame it on the hormones and go utterly batshit!

it doesn't matter if she has her baby with her ALL the time!

mil has had her turn at enjoying these precious moments, of introducing her baby to people etc. Now it's op's turn and absolutely NOBODY can say that a new, first time mother is being selfish by wanting to enjoy this experience. mil is deliberately bullying op because she knows dh doesn't have the balls to stand up to her. she doesn't want op to be the one that calls the shots where her dc is concerned.

I don't feel strong enough to actually stand up for myself against 3 other people
they know full well the toll childbirth takes and not a single one of them is giving you the respect and consideration you deserve. you don't need to interact with the pil, you can refuse point blank to see them in your house. if/when dh kicks off just tell him straight - he either starts putting the welfare of his own family first or at some point he won't have one. nobody's stopping mil from seeing baby so he can't use that argument - all you're asking is that she treat you with the same respect she expects for herself.

next time you have to go to their area just stay at your cousins. no more chances for dh or pil. i know you're exhausted but why do you choose to stay silent when you're being treated like this so openly? you only have to say one word when they step out of line - NO. Look them straight in the eye and tell them - and keep hold of your baby. would you be so pliant if a stranger tried to take her from your arms? if they start shouting then leave the room.

they're harming you emotionally and mentally at an already vulnerable time and it just isn't on. have a chat with your midwife/hv, your cousin or a friend. you shouldn't be dealing with this alone, and especially not right now. remember - no one has the right to snatch your baby from you like that or refuse to hand her back unless you allow them to.

Go to your cousin in the morning. I know you're supposed to be out for the day, but you can go to your cousins's and then go out for the day from there. You won't have to worry about mil taking the baby when you get back, that way.

You can pop in to mil's on Monday or something, On the way home.

I also think you should take the baby and leave. Your hormones are all over the place right now and this is a very special time that you will never get again. You run the risk of PND if you stay in this situation, well, that is just my opinion, I know, but having been in similar circumstances I think you should leave.

I can't believe that fucking witch took your newborn off you like that and then ran into work with YOUR baby and then handed her over to her work colleagues. WTAF. I would have gone batshit and stormed in there after her.

Your DH is fucking useless. Time to spell it out for him and I know this is difficult beside your baby is just over a week old do you must be so emotional and vulnerable right now. Tell him that you are not pandering to his mother any longer. What she did was unacceptable and what HE did was even worse as he did not step in and do something about the situation.

And I would be stopping all MIL visits for now. You really need to enforce giant steel boundaries here or MIL will be sending you on a direct route to landing with PND. Please look after yourself. You do not need to give MIL your baby at all. She has to earn that right, not demand it. My best advice in the meantime is buy a sling. She can't grab your DD off you then. It'll be the new money you'll ever spend.

Congrats by the way

Oh and I would leave this morning.