starting to hate my mil

[emmyr84]

The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.

Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.

And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".

We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).

Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.

When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"

I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.

The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.

She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.

Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.

We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.

And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.

I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from

^ so true -- do not hand her the ammunition to sabotage you.

These people are manipulative - their heads are always spinning and plotting the next move - she will out wit you, she will control anything she can.

Don't tell her the induction date, or as on the high chair thread throw her bone that she can chase in the wrong direction.

Don't give any info on when, why, where re a B&B if you go this route.

Please pull up the draw bridge on this toxic loon to preserve the purity of your new long awaited for family.

Look, they want you there the night before so that they are able to have control - you're falling for it!

None of your plans will work, none of them if you stay there. If you stay there, nothing else you do will matter, because they will already be involved. It's the key to the whole thing. It won't matter what you do or say, they will walk all over it.

You need to get the dog a sitter and stay somewhere else. Nothing else will work, you're walking right into their trap!

I recall you saying that you live two hours away from them.....why have you chosen to have the baby where they live?

As you are having the baby near to them, then as everyone has advised stay in a travel lodge the night before and put the dog into kennels etc,

take back control

Be careful about the induction - you wont be in the delivery suite until your labour is well and truly established - I was on a day ward (think this is standard)- which was effectively open to the public but encouraged to walk around the hospital grounds (for days) ... she could easily drop in ... I dont recall any security....and in fact my large extended family (mother, sisters, husbands, nieces, new borns) dropped in uninvited to see how I was getting on -- I was not amused as I was pacing up and down, very stressed and emotional in my nightie with a tens machine - shouting at my husband to pay for a C Section right NOW!

Some people plumb the depths, way beyond what normal people would even think of. You can't anticipate her behaviour because you are normal, from a normal family (and your dh can't anticipate because he's in FOGA). People like your MIL are beyond imagination. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, with a smile and an air of complete innocence and an almost plausible excuse.

Being massively pg, about to be induced, makes you vulnerable enough. Staying at her house, at her beck and call, is a step too far.

Where have you gone OP? I hope we haven't frightened you off.

I wonder whether our MILs are related?

You must tell her NO to being at the birth before you are induced. You don't want to be worried and stressed about her when you are in hospital. I put in my birth plan that only DP was allowed in while I was in labour to make sure MIL didn't try anything. I also discussed my worries with the midwife and she reassured me that MIL wouldn't be allowed in without my consent.

If you are planning on breast feeding then MIL can't take baby overnight not that you should need an excuse but it is a non confrontational way of saying no to lots of things.

Make sure you stand your ground and work out strategies with your DH. Limit your time with her and make sure you only see her on your terms. My MIL started outstaying her welcome at our house after the DC were born so we started meeting her on mutual territory so we could leave when we wanted to or if she was being unpleasant.

You have already worked out that you shouldn't be an audience for her bad behaviour, keep this up and leave and take baby with you every time she starts behaving like a toddler.

When you so see her don't give away any significant news or interesting facts about you, baby, DH or your extended family. Be boring but cheerful. Everything is great (even of its not) and you are all fine. She will eventually get bored

Stay strong

PhoenixReisling I have gestational diabetes and need to be in a hospital with a special care unit. Our local hospital doesn't have this and the next closest one is a similar distance away, but down horrible winding roads that we don't know very well and dh is not comfortable driving due to an almost crash last year, so the decision was made to go for the one near the in laws because we know the roads and they have provisions for dh to stay with me for however long the labour takes

Sorry for the lack of updates

Things haven't exactly been good here and have gone majorly tits up, my brother's gf has had a miscarriage (she would have been having her 12 week scan tomorrow), so I'm struggling with guilt big time as I'm 37 weeks today. And the private care company that we work for are doing a change on how the wages are paid, totally screwing us up to pay for a kennel for the dog or a b&b the night before I go in for induction (we're having to scrape really tightly to make sure we can afford the rent and bills as it is so these are a definite no no).

So we are having to stick to our original plans, which I will admit I'm nervous about, but unless we set off at stupid o clock in the morning then we have no way around this. Things with the dog are up in the air, dh doesn't want him left with my mum because of her being unable to care for him properly, but I'm reluctant to leave him with the in laws because of all of the scenarios previously mentioned

We were at the hospital yesterday for another appointment (last one there until I go across for induction), so I did ask the Dr about the security around the ward and she did confirm that if I don't want someone there then they will not be allowed in and only one birth partner is allowed on the induction bay with me anyway (I've only got one birth partner - dh- so mil won't be allowed anywhere near whilst I'm being induced or once I'm eventually in active labour). So by the sounds of it mil can try her hardest, but won't actually be allowed in

Midwives are reat, aren't they? They'll make certain MIL doesn't bother you.

It's only going to be for a few days, so can't your mum feed the dog, cuddle him, stroke him. If she has a mobility scooter, she could take him for walks too (plenty of people in my town do that, and having a scooter myself, I know I could), just for a poo and a bit of fresh air. He may not be able to have an hour's run every day, but missing it for a few days won't permanently damage him, will it?

I do kind of feel like I'm getting it from all angles at the moment what with mil being the way she is, everything with my brother and his gf, issues with the wages and my own anxiety about being induced (how long it will take, will I cope with the pain etc).

I understand that my mum is grieving for her lost grandchild but she keeps talking details with me about my brother and his gf, despite me saying I need to try and keep calm, so I'm a bit more distant than usual from her. Despite this I know she's there for us 100% and I know she would have him in a heartbeat and he would get lots of cuddles and treats from her, plus he would be in his usual pack, and thinking about it it might be less distressing for him to stay here, so I will be talking to dh about it and trying to word it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm attacking his parents. She wouldn't be able to take him out as he would probably pull her from her chair (3 year old chunky chocolate lab), but I'm sure her relief carers would make sure that he had a good charge round the garden each day we were away from him.

You have a lot on your plate. But you are coping with it really well. If you cant pay for B&B and kennels then you will just have to stay with MiL (unless there are other ILs / local friends in the area of the hospital) - but you are in a better position to manage her now than you were a few weeks ago - just keep focused that this is your long awaited for precious moment and be ready to bat any of her shenanigans away with the support of your DH.

V natural to be worried about the birth (pain, duration) - all you can do is prepare for the worst and hop for the best - try to keep calm, there will be times when you are not in control, dont bother to clock watch (drives you crazy if not text book 1cm/hr!).....good luck all will be great.

Surely to goodness your mum must have a nice neighbour who would walk the dog a couple of times a day?

I am another one advocating keeping as much away from MIL as possible. You know she will somehow use having the dog to her advantage. One less thing for you to worry about.

And personally I would rather set off at silly o'clock in the morning rather than stay the night before at theirs.

Take the journey steady, lots of stops for leg stretch/loo stop - yes its a ball-ache having such a long journey but at least everything will be to your timetable and MIL will be completely bypassed.

Think you need to be upfront with your DH - you don't want MIL involved. End of.

In all honesty there isn't anyone on mum's street that I would even contemplate asking to walk the dog. They're not the nicest of people, seem to think they own the street and have actually had the nerve to complain to my mum's landlord when she has her bins out on collection day because she has to wait for a carer to go to the bottom of the drive and bring them back round to the side of the house.

In all honesty though, a couple of days of not getting his usual walk won't do him any harm and dh will make sure that he gets a bit extra when we get back from hospital to make up for it (not that much that he will expect longer all the time)

Good luck for your induction. How are you feeling? Brave, calm and in control I hope....

Hope everything is ok with you, Emmy - and that if the babe is here, all went well!

The induction went amazing and our beautiful little girl was born at 8.06pm on thursday weighing 7lb 6.5oz

Well mil went and did it, the one thing that had caused me the most anxiety and tears. She took my (not even 1 day old) sleeping baby out of my arms despite me telling her to wait a minute. And left me feeling totally worthless and undervalued as a new mummy.

I'd said they could pop up and see us at a specific time as fil had a hospital appointment and to be fair to her had been really good with the dog and sleeping arrangements the night before induction (dh insisted that the dog go to them and I couldn't be bothered arguing). She'd even been good during the induction and birth, no hassling, no attempt to get on the ward. I told dh I would hand the baby over to his mum fairly quickly after they arrived, but in my own time.

She walked through the door, making grabbing motions with her hands and came straight over to me and baby. So, I said "hang on a minute" as I wasn't ready to hand her over (we'd had a long/emotional night and not long since seen the paediatrician) and she totally blanked me and literally pulled her out of my arms.

And dh did nothing, just looked at me. I feel so let down by him at the moment it's unbelievable

The rest of the visit I sat there trying to hold back the tears, not quite able to bring myself to get my baby back from her, just wishing she would leave us alone and head off to fil's appointment with him.

They did try and come back up to us, but I deliberately took my time with the paediatrician (who was checking over a possible clicky hip) and the breastfeeding support, so that they eventually gave up and went home to the dog.

We're back visiting them on thursday because of appointments in the area etc and I'm getting major anxiety about how I'm going to handle this. I'm going to message my cousin I think and ask to go and stay with her if things get a bit too much

Dh says he is going to say something to his dad tonight and see if it sinks through, but after the lack of support from him on thursday I don't think anything will be said

firstly, congratulations!

I think you need to talk with your DH urgently. You don't need the stress of all this's the a time when you're naturally vulnerable already. It's time he steps up and protects his wife. On the plus side, it should be easier for you to remove yourself and your DD from the situation if you're at MIL's instead of MIL coming to you.

I've tried talking to him and he says he will speak to his Dad tonight and say something along the lines of one of my mum's friends took the baby out of my arms without asking and I basically freaked out. And when we get there on thursday he will be saying the same thing again, but this time to his mum and telling her to wait until I offer the baby for cuddles. But to be honest, I really don't trust that he will do this and I feel annoyed that he's trying to pacify her by not coming outright and saying that it was actually her that upset me

I have to say I did annoy her a bit on the thursday night as I took back some of the control. She was itching to get the baby out of my arms to introduce her to OUR dog, but I refused and pretended to not hear her ridiculous suggestion for me to go outside to him (dh took him outside while I got the baby in) and leave the baby with her until we came back in

What about more straightforward punishment, clearly stated. "No, I'm not letting you hold the baby today MIL because you did the opposite of what I asked you in the hospital. I do not trust you right now."

If the bitch kicks off or storms out, that's a bonus.

Clear cause and effect. She will hate you. DH will beg you to pander. But you will have your self respect back and your baby in your arms.

Well, you're right, your dh has had years of conditioning to appease his mum and not question her, so it's going to take something full on or be patient with dh as it will take a much longer time for him to change.

So, your options are to refuse to go to MIL's at all; or to be patient with dh and stand up to her yourself - "no mil, I said WAIT."

Both options will cause you a bit of upset which should be transitory. If you do neither, and just continue to hope dh will step up, it will cause you anger and resentment, which will last. It is likely that it will also make you feel more and more powerless and hopeless.

I recommend standing up to her yourself. Show dh how it's done as he honestly doesn't know.

Congrats on your lovely baby - I'm glad to hear of her safe arrival. Keep hold of YOUR baby. Yes, YOUR baby. And if your DH can't keep his mum under control, I'd seriously restrict how often you see them..

Imagine your little girl cradling her own longed-for first child, and someone snatching away her child......

Your mil is out of order. Let your inner tigress out and tell her NO!

emmyr

Did your H speak to his dad (and if so why not his mother as well?). I can imagine his dad is very much a bystander in all this; acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. It may well be that he will not be able to be at all relied upon because he will side with his wife (women like his wife also need a willing enabler to help them). Years of innate conditioning as well from his mother are very hard if not almost impossible to undo. On one level he may well regard her behaviour as normal.

Your H is very much more afraid of his mother far more than he is afraid of you and still actively seeks her approval. His own inertia stopped him from saying anything and that simply hurts him as well as you.

If he cannot and continues not to say anything to upset the apple cart then you need to do so for your child's sake as well as your own. You also need firm and consistently applied boundaries.

You do not have to spend time with people who behave badly and undermine you both as parents, your H needs to be reminded that he is being undermined as well when his mother wants her own way. Family are not binding.

Well he didn't say anything to his dad and I'm not surprised to be honest. It's a case of him putting off what he needs to do to keep his mum happy once again.

Though he now says that he is phoning on Wednesday afternoon before she goes to bingo (she goes on a Wednesday and Sunday evening).

He's also dropped his plan to say someone else has upset me and reckons that he is going to lay a bit of a guilt trip on her. He wants to say that we want her to wait until we're ready to give the baby to her for cuddles and that she upset him at the hospital as he had wanted to be the one to hand the baby over and say "here's your first grandchild", but because she had jumped in he didn't get the chance.

I've told him any sign of her not respecting me then I WILL be heading to my cousin's house with the baby and will not be stepping foot inside that house until she can learn to listen to us as parents.