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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where can I get the strength to end it?

190 replies

confusion77 · 07/03/2016 21:45

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

OP posts:
Greenandmighty · 17/06/2016 22:42

Romoca, feel free to say everything you need to here. Handholding to all on this thread. So sorry Romoca to hear about how cruel and selfish dh is. Do you have any support either emotional or financial? Know what you mean confusion77 about taking about separating. We discussed about 8 years ago but it just got buried. I think I was fearful because of kids, I had no job. Have part time job now but not high income. I guess it's the idea that we've been together 30 years, married 22. It's tough to start again but it feels such a waste not having any intimacy. It's party my fault, I don't want to with him but I haven't gone off sex itself. That's where people are mistaken, it's not that women go off sex, they go off sex with their partners! How is everyone tonight? Xx

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/06/2016 07:19

After another almost week long sulk (prolonged by me not smoothing things over) this morning he's starting to thaw. But once again, I'm not. He doesn't know what to do. The usual stuff isn't working. I'm so fed up of all this game playing, but really struggle to talk to him.

And yes to the sex thing, this has only just happened to me, in recent weeks. Regardless of anything else we still had a good if less frequent sex life. But this month I've shrugged him off several times for the first time ever.

I honestly don't know how it would work if we split, financially. I'd resent having to lose my house.

OP posts:
romoca · 18/06/2016 07:32

Thank you green!! Morning confusion!!!
I slept in the spare room last night this morning getting silent treatment.... He is on his iPad anyway.
My stomach feels like it's in knots this morning!!
Xxx

romoca · 18/06/2016 07:34

Confusion you can look to see if you would be entitled to anything??! I gave up a lovely home to live here man do I regret it!!!!

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/06/2016 16:58

I didn't get tax credits last year as the year before I had ds I was working ft. Should get some this year as was on mat leave. I just don't know what we'd do, if I could stay here, if he would do the decent thing but then he probably couldn't pay for somewhere of his own. Lottery win would be nice
Tell you what, if I win millions I'll give you all enough for somewhere to live. 😀

OP posts:
romoca · 18/06/2016 20:10

Hope you brought a ticket tonight confusion Winkwell this morning hubby ask me if I wanted to go and stay at my mums for a few days he would drive me there.......... So I'm here at my mums, staying here for a few days till I decide what the hell to do!!!! Xxx

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/06/2016 21:53

I didn't!! I'm going to start though.

I really want H to leave for a few weeks. Give myself a break, and some thinking space. And him too. Hes being all bloody nice again. I've come to bed.

How are you feeling?

OP posts:
romoca · 18/06/2016 21:58

Not sure , gonna sleep on it..... See how I feel in the morning!! It's been a real long day!! Hope you get a good sleep xx

Original poster
Confusion77 · 19/06/2016 15:03

How are you today roma? H has thawed and is trying to be normal. I just can't do it. But wasnt being off with him which he took as a good sign, slapping my arse as he walked by. Honestly. Wtf.

Then a couple of things, him expressing his negative depressing views (not about me) and the way he behaved when my family called in for five minutes, just make me feel like telling him to leave. I'm out for a walk with the baby and thinking I need to tell him it's not working, we have very different ideas of reasonable behaviour and I'd like him to go and stay with his parents for ever a bit

Will likely chicken out though.

OP posts:
Interestingdrug · 20/06/2016 10:04

Can I join you ladies? Don't know where to start. Been with H for 17 years, married for 14. We should have split years ago but I just couldn't do it. I immersed myself in the kids, we ticked along. No arguments, no passion, just nothing.

I don't love him anymore, but find it hard to see a way out financially. (SAHM, no job, no confidence) I've said how much I want to work, but H says I need to be here for the kids as he can't be flexible with his job. He knocks my confidence frequently, saying you can't do that etc.. We have no intimacy. We share a bed, I sleep on the edge, back to him. I tried to reignite some feelings, even got sterilised so we wouldn't have the worry of any more kids. He showed no interest. No hugs, kisses, sex for 4 years. I can't go on like this. I'm getting tetchy with the kids and I'm not being the mum I want to be.

So H is away tonight. I have written him a letter. I can't talk about this as the kids are always here and I don't want to argue in front of them. I'll give it to him when he gets back. He'll be hurt, but it can't be a shock unless he really has no concept of what a loving relationship should be. It's a first step, and I'm scared shitless as to how I will cope as I feel so fragile. But I know something has to change.

romoca · 20/06/2016 10:46

Hi and welcome interesting..... Sometimes I think us woman are stronger than we give ourselves credit for!! You taken first steps you should be proud of yourself!! Letter is a good idea sometimes if you try and talk your brain freezes etc!
Confusion I'm still at my mums still don't want to go back!! Today I going to see if I can join a few local housing lists. Xx

Whyiseverynameinuse · 20/06/2016 10:52

Hi - I could be handy on the boat - can I join?! 14 year marriage to EA man, both of us from EA homes. Taken me this long to realise it Hmm.

PP's talk about planning. What does that mean more specifically? I'm waiting for solicitors appt via my local refuge counsellor but no further ahead than that. Any tips would be lovely.

And thank you for this thread xx

romoca · 20/06/2016 16:42

Hello why Flowersjoin the boat!!! Did you contact refuge then?
Oddly enough I was about to call women's aid for advice.....
My update hubby says the kids are better off with him.... And so the battle commences I really don't know if I'm strong enough for this, he clearly couldn't give an f about me going though!
How is everyone else doing?? Xx

ProcrastinatingIsMyForte · 20/06/2016 16:58

I'd like to stake my place here too, please.
Together 15 married 11.
We have bad patches (we're there currently) then things just muddle along 'happily' miserably, but no confrontation for a bit which makes it hard to take the plunge. I'm a sahm so I have very little finances of my own. Four kids. How the chuff am I supposed to manage on my own?
Anyhow, this is my place marker and I plan to go back and read the full thread later when DH is asleep.

Whyiseverynameinuse · 20/06/2016 19:58

I am SAHM too, procrastinating. But I'm not going to let that get in the way. I can tell it's starting to affect the behaviour of my ds's so I want out.

Romoca I went to gp who referred me I think, but I called them too. One session so far but was important first step. Lots to think about. (And I must learn how to tag properlyWink).

Original poster
Confusion77 · 23/06/2016 20:38

Roma are you going home or can the kids come to you at mums? One thing I am so far confident of is that H wouldn't even attempt to get custody of ds. He's not even a year old yet and H has changed about 5 nappies ever, bathed him a few times with his mum. Never fed him anything, never got him to sleep. Wouldnt have a clue. Never taken him anywhere alone.

We are at mums tonight too though for practical reasons, it's nice and relaxing.

Welcome aboard newbies. I didn't expect this when I started this thread. I hope people continue to post even if sporadically

OP posts:
romoca · 24/06/2016 22:34

Hey confusion, hope you've had a nice time at your mums are you staying there long?
The update here is.....been staying at mums then spent a few days with my friend who is close by tonight I'm back at mums.
Tomorrow I go home I miss the children like crazy!! Soo I've applied for local housing and gonna start saving so I've got something to fall back on..... In the mean time need to find the strength to carry on. Been kinda speaking to hubby throughout, he doesn't seem to fussed I'm not there.
How is everyone else doing?? Xxx

Agadooo · 24/06/2016 22:55

Can I join too? Married 10 years-guess we're just totally not suited-he's very snappy and can't discuss ANYTHING-he hasn't had a conversation with me for the past 4 weeks-just yes n no type conversation.asked lots of things n he gives a v short answer and that's it. I can't stand it but I havent challenged it as it won't b a discussion just him not saying much or making a stupid comment then wil carry on as before. has been many occasions where has been annoyed with me n not spoken for a week except essential pleasantries but never this long before. It won't even hav entered his head that I might walk as has mentioned things happening at the end of year without contemplating maybe I won't always be in the relationship. Anyone similar?

romoca · 25/06/2016 07:50

Welcome agadoo! Yes somewhat similar I'm sure
My hubby finds me an irritant!! Sometimes I just have to ask him a question and its me trying to "wind him up!!" Or else I get the yes/ no answer unwilling to engage in any type of conversation!!
I've been away the last week from him as it all got a bit much going back today....
Do you have children agadoo??
I have 2 at home and pregnant so it makes it all somewhat harder! Xxx

Agadooo · 25/06/2016 22:38

Hi romoca-yes I have 2 primary aged kids-this post is so sad that there's so many of us in unhappy relationships. When I read that many of you say that if/when u have the talk with ur partner saying it's over, he'll apologise n say he'll
change, I cant relate. Mine would say fine if that's what u want they go-he'd never apologise or say it's not want he wants or be upset in front of me and he would make the split and life after horrible-there would be no niceness or even fake niceness-I don't c at all how it could work-we can't discuss ANYTHING these days without me irritating him and being snappy. I wish he'd say he wanted out of the marriage and then it wouldn't be as bad, but he won't. We should never have got married and if we didn't have kids I would just leave, but we do so I can't.

romoca · 29/06/2016 17:56

Ho how is everyone??
I back home now been great seeing the kids. Hubby was even nice at first.
Then today I discover he has messaged another lass telling her she is fit!!

romoca · 29/06/2016 17:58

Also been turned down for 2 out of the 3 housing lists I've applied forSadseeing midwife tomorrow I wonder if she has any advice to steer me in the right direction xx

Greenandmighty · 29/06/2016 18:43

Hi Romoca, sorry to hear that on both counts. Does dh know you are aware he messaged woman? Are you able to have conversation about all this? I veer between one day thinking I need to plan to leave, to feeling fearful of making wrong decision and just remaining because it's too much hassle to leave. But then I read posts where saying life's too short etc and I feel so sad. My youngest will be leaving for uni next year or after that. I hear couples of similar age planning their child free time and I dread it. I thought today how i don't even like aspects of dh. Is it any wonder I don't want sex. Yet my libido hasn't diminished. So I'm pretty low about that. I crave intimacy, but just a kiss and a cuddle would do but can't even go there. Can't we me living with this indefinitely. It's like someone wrote on here about "sunken assets" fallacy: you conclude because you've invested x amount of time + effort = thou shalt therefore remain for infinity despite being dissatisfied. How is everyone else today? X
Sad

romoca · 29/06/2016 20:34

Hiya green!!!
Sorry to hear your feeling the same. I came back Saturday initially thought " it's not that bad I can stick it out as its too much hassle to leave " but today after finding out he messaged that woman has given me a bit of fresh momentum although I am terrified, he won't let me take the children without a fight.
If that wasn't the case id be gone now.
Xx

romoca · 29/06/2016 20:36

I think green the fact you already feel very dissatisfied, is your gut instinct telling you it's not right.. Yes I did tell hubby I saw the message.... He just said he was in a bad place and didn't know what he was doing. But I know if she had responded positively towards that comment the talk would of got sexual I'm in no doubt.