Where can I get the strength to end it?

[confusion77]

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

Yep. I hate the cycle. Depressingly familiar each and every time. I feel the same constantly now and never feel that relief that I used to. That tells me time to go. But like you I stay. Inertia I suppose. Do nothing and it's shit leave and it might be great or shit. The odds on leaving are better. Yet still we stay. What are we waiting for?

Idk. You are right though, I used to be desperate for him to 'come round' but now don't care. I just array on regardless. I think he does notice the difference. He's being very nice, giving me little kisses etc but I just feel pretty dead to it.

I'm on a few other similar threads, and just wanted to climb aboard this jolly little boat of slightly anxious and fretful people. 15 yrs in, 2 DCs, did some Relate last year, sort of helped, but lately things are just spiralling down again. No rows, no affairs, no abuse, just this gradual numbing and distance. Kinda realised today that if a friend told me they were in this kind of relationship I would advise them to leave.

Easy to give advice, though, innit?

Jolly little boat! Haha. It is easy to advise. Bloody hard to follow it yourself though. I can't actually believe the shit I put up with. And while I would not classify it as abuse, LOTS of people would. He'll I would if someone described it to me.

Can't believe there are 2 JellyBean's on here - both having been in such similar situations.

I left my H who sounds exactly like the kind of man you are all describing 18 months ago after 23 years together. I probably knew for the last 10 that the writing was on the wall.

My defining moment came on my 48th birthday when I woke up thinking I'd spend almost half my life in a controlling relationship apologising for just being myself - there was no row - no hysterics I just decided and started making plans to leave. I told him about a month later and left just under 2 months after that. I didn't wait for divorce, house to be sold etc, I just left.

When I was going through it, it was described to me by someone on MN that it's like standing on the edge of a diving board you're terrified to jump, but you've reached the point where there's no going back - it's just a matter of time how long you stand there. When you do jump - it's not nearly as bad as you anticipate - I promise you that.

allovertheplace I think we might be one and the same, except I'm 18 years in and haven't done Relate.
Dh is away with work again. I think I might spend tonight writing down what I want to say. His folks are about to arrive for a week though so actually having the conversation might not be best this weekend!

How does divorce work when you are the one that's been financially disadvantaged by giving up work as you are married to a workaholic?

I like the diving board analogy. I have a similar one -- I feel like I am in a comfyish log cabin at the top of a ski slope. It's cosy enough, but at some point I feel like I have to strap on my skis and go for it. I might break a leg or go off a cliff, or I might have an amazing run and learn a whole load of new tricks. The only way to know is to head out into the cold.

This thread had brought tears to my eyes. I'm scared. So scared. I want to leave. He used to be violent and has since had counselling and he's a changed man but it's too late. I can't ever get over what he was like.

Wonky. That's me too. He's a changed man and I an si proud of him for facing his demons and dealing with it. But 15 years of living with it changed me. I had to get counseling for two years just to get over the fear. Now the fear is gone but so has the love. I don't love this new changed man. I like him but I no longer love him. Plus the old him comes out to play now and again and I can't deal with that. I am just waiting for the right time. Things are falling into place slowly.

Is it something in the air this month? I have come to the decision that I have to leave (D)H. We've been married 21 years and have 4 DCs. Some similarities with other posters - he's controlling. At first I didn't realise it, then I did and put up with it, then I started challenging it. Now I just don't want to have anything more to do with it, but I am terrified of leaving. I can't even qualify what it is I'm so scared of, but just saying it (I told a RL friend today) put my intestines into spasm!

I wasn't even going to grace him with the conversation, because I know how he'd twist it round. I just need to go

Thank you for reading.

So no new graduates yet? I'm loving the analogies and I like the thought mentioned that every twisted angry comment and behaviour I put up with brings me closer to leaving and therefore makes the inertia more bearable.
The advice thing is interesting too as I have RL friends who are like - you've decided to go so get on with it after a period of denial on their behalf. But it's just not that easy. My main worry is sharing the kids and me being apart from them and telling family and friends who all think dh is amazing and that's I'm spoilt. I know I'll be to blame.

I'm graduating in July, possibly a bit earlier.
I have jumped off the spring board, the air is rushing round my ears, I'm preparing for impact-new bedding, vvv naice candles, brand new home, 2weeks off to cycle to the beach and theatre tickets for when it's all over. My friend collects champagne.
We're close . So, I am keeping my eyes on the finish line.
I have also stopped eating aimlessly. I'd like to say it is because I am ever so wise and calm and cool. The reality is that I have such bad anxiety I can feel my stomach sphincters knotting at bith ends. So I make myself eat a little bit.
I also have a very demanding job. As in extremely demanding. So no time to dwell on stuff. That's what 1am is for. I'm not taking tablets, I'm gonna hold it till the housing situation has gone through. Then I'll focus on nothing but myself (and the kid). And if that involves a dash of diazepam, so be it.

*for me, not for the kid, let's be clear!

So sorry. I'm so wrapped up in my own madness, I didn't acknowledge the things you guys are going through.
Yy to the wool coming off, it's not like we didn't see it, I'm not sure what it was/is. But the important thing is that we did realise we're being badly treated.
I'll give you the latest 'revelation'.
H is a miserable antisocial individual. It's ok if it is his posse, when it came to my friends/family, he has tried his outmost to isolate me. So it seems I have developed a but of a ritual, of getting him to behave with my friends and family. Cajole, appease, engineering situations so he can be happy and not rude.
I thought I managed, because I have a really busy social life, lots of friends, outings etc.
Well, last weekend, after isolating myself for a while, we saw people again. (my arrangements). He tagged along and he was so so unpleasant and passive aggressive and made everybody so unconfortable.
The next day I applogised to my friends who laughed: dear, we can see what's going on. It's always been going on, you've just worked so hard at making it 'better' for him.they were actually pleased I didn't bend over backwards, filling in ackward gaps and excusing his boorish behaviour.
So, next step is cutting him from all joint social occasions, unless they're related to our child. I tried. Not worth it.

Hello...hope I can join in, I was poised on the edge of the diving board about 5 months ago but shamefully turned around and climbed back down, I am ashamed and haven't been in touch with anyone about the situation. I was having counselling plus I had solicitor, divorce papers etc all lined up and I just let it go, my excuse was that I wanted to set myself up on a new job first but I quit the job after 2 months, started another job which again I quit after two months and am now working for controlling H...you couldn't make this up, how stupid am I. On the plus side I'm earning much more working for H than I was, as I'm charging a high hourly rate, and the project has a deadline so it isn't meant to be forever. And even though I quit the jobs both sets of employers were sorry to lose me even though I cringe to think about it, they were good jobs but demanding time wise and H did his usual tricks of monopolising my time, phone etc plus telling me I didn't need to work so it became easier to quit than fight on...how stupidly typical. But I'm looking forward, nothing keeping me but my own chains plus my very real worry of financial hardship as H has said he'll fight for every penny and life is easy for me money wise if I stay.

He IS controlling...I go over everything in my mind wondering what to do for best but all pointers say the only thing I can do is leave as his type won't ever change. I get very little time to myself now. What i need is a strategy-- a concrete reason or way forward but I can't seem to do this. Sorry for rambling on but I'm fed up with talking to myself

8Fencing, it's good to get confirmation from your friends of his bad behaviour, sad to you to feel responsible for him but I'm glad that they saw though it! I'll bet he was secretly proud of himself for ruining your good times.

Morning all. Well, I have to say this is not what I expected when I started this thread. I don't really know what I did expect, but lots of other people in the same situation and who understand w as not it! Im sorry there are so many of us but pleased to have a place to talk. I am waiting it out for now. I really want another baby.

H once again knows something is up. I don't know if he is genuinely manipulative or actually worried. Keeps asking if I am alright, being attentive. Not moaning!!

Avery it's so hard isn't it. I am not in an easy position financially either with or without H and am amazed to find that I am not worried about that aspect for some reason!

I stupidly changed my name on my passport to my married one recently. I regret it. He would never have got married if it wasn't for the move abroad, he has told me this plus he couldn't have cared less that I changed my name (ds was delighted to have the same name though ). He hasn't actually done anything wrong recently but he pisses me off massively just by being here. I feel like I'm in limbo. I've started to work on what I have to say to him buto don't know when to do it. What if he wants to work it out???? The only things stopping me are the dc who are 8 and 3. They would be utterly devastated and I'm not sure I'm ready to take that blame. God this is difficult.

I'm sure (D)H knows something is up too. I'm finding it really hard to be nicey nicey like you have to be with him just to keep him in bearably good humour. Unfortunately, it won't make him want to end it. He'll just paint himself as such a martyr for putting up with someone as "horrible" (his word) as me.

I'm sorry, I seem to have killed the thread! How is everyone? Maybe you're all recovering from a long weekend of enforced togetherness? (she asks hopefully)

"I didn't wait for divorce, house to be sold etc, I just left." jellybean31, I think that was you. A friend said that to me today, "Why don't you just...?" It's that word - just. It makes it sound so easy! I've heard about The Freedom Programme, I think it's been mentioned on so many MN threads I've lurked on that the name seeped into my psyche. Anyway, I'm trying to phone my local Freedom Programme providers and they're trying to contact me back. Problem is, DH is so controlling that he'd be mouthing "Who is it?" while I was on the phone to them. So not easy.

Still here cheapskate! Thank fuck that weekend is over. It was OK, I did what I wanted while H tried hard. Bit late and all that. Will post in more detail later/tomorrow

Hi. Yes still here. My dh was working a fair bit at the weekend but it was still a long one. He's leaving me alone now and as I'm not nagging etc he's acting like all is fine. This is after I've told him a a week or so ago I'm not sure there is any hope for us and he mentioned moving out in that case. Oh if only!

Well mine is being his good self. I always say it's like he's two different people. I also say he has to choose miserable or happy and he chooses miserable a lot. His good self is by no means perfect but I would certainly carry on with him quite happily if this was him all the time. It just makes me wonder, is he putting it on because he's manipulative? Is he making an effort because he knows he's unreasonable and has been an arse of epic proportions? Does it really matter Anymore?

The weekend wasn't bad in that he was fine but I was tense and waiting for Tuesday. I don't think we have ever had a four day break with no issue. I visited family (usually an arguing point) and he phoned me while I was there which made me panic but it was something helpful for met know.

We need to talk. I just hate bringing it up.

Same here. Plodding on even buying new home with him knowing marriage is dead.

From a Male point of view he probably feels the same. It's what men do, we ignore and become silent and can block things out when we are unhappy with relationships. My ex felt like what you are all discribing and so did I for the last 5yrs of our 20yr marriage. We both decided it was over so we sat down and discussed a seperation. it wasnt easy and it wasnt nice but 7yrs on we're friends and are both happy and so are the children. It's very easy to "Plod on" and "go with the flow" in heinsite we left it too long before we came to that decision.
Life is too short to be sad every day.

ironlady thats just silly and you should have that conversation soon