Where can I get the strength to end it?

[confusion77]

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

Ginga77. Hope you're ok. I'm sure there is a way out, others have done it, it is possible, just hard to find that first step.
I know when I was travelling I always felt vulnerable in a new place until I got a bed/ room, then I could stride around confidently knowing I could go there and lock the door. I just need to find that door.

Snap...19 years together, 1 DD 17 - ongoing EA (see previous posts) can have his lovely moments but that doesn't outweigh the shouting / throwing / blaming / minimising and accusations that have been the majority of our relationship. I have things organised but struggling to take the final step - he makes me feel responsible for his wellbeing, physical and neurological health conditions which he is getting treatment for, coupled with MH issues that he refuses to get help with, threatens to leave on a regular basis when i agree he threatens suicide, same if i say that we should go! As i hold the tenancy on the property and pay all the household bills he wouldn't be able to manage financially on his own despite earning more than me due to CC and loan debt he has accrued. I have checked out of the marraige, going through the motions and dread the thought of another possible 40 years of this - following with interest any one that has managed where i'm failing.

Good on you snoopy. It sounds like you're preparations are well under way, but it's still hard isn't it. Keep going. You will be happier for it and have a whole new life.

I too thought about it for ages but had no courage then decided to tell him based on: it not being too close to Christmas, anyone's birthday or the summer holiday and on a Tuesday cos I work at home and I could tell him without the kids being there. That meant one of four days in January. Needless to say it was the last Tuesday of the month when I finally said the words but the plan gave me the impetus to actually go through with it

Fab Cheshiregirl. I've been doing the same thinking I'll wait for the birthdays to be over as they would be awkward if we were early into a split. Then it's summer, possibly a good time and just earlier today I thought it's got to be before anywhere close to Christmas. Wednesday's seem good for me. What a state.

It is very very hard to end a marriage. I knew it for a long long time but didn't feel it until years. It's one thing to know something intellectual but another to feel it with your heart. To end a marriage you have to feel it or at least convince yourself you fell it with your heart!

To end a marriage you have to take it one step/one day at a time. You have to be prepared for utterly miserably days ahead (they lead to glorious brighter days btw) , days of confusion and turmoil. My best advice would be to plan, plan, plan. Plan way before you break the news to your OH. Know what your doing and what the plan is. I can assure you this journey is utterly miserably but it's so worth it for the happiness ahead!

I have done that journey and 13 years later I look back and wonder why I didn't have the confidence earlier but hindsight is a wonderful gift. If I could have known I would have been 1/2 as happy as I am now I would have left in a heartbeat.

Thing is you only get one life and you deserve to be happy with it

One week on from our last vicious row, I've contacted a housing association and got forms to apply and planned today,after work, to visit our housing people to explain my situation. I was worried about DS1 and P being together without me and rightly so because it kicked off again, resulting in P telling him not to come back home, obviously shouting and swearing, in the flaming street of all places.

Well,to cut a long story short, he's moving out. I didn't take any of his bullshit, wouldn't let him do his usual apology followed by completely ignoring what a shit mess our life is. He denied being a complete nasty barsteward toward DS1, honestly, the man is missing something in his head.
I warned him, one more instance of his hatred toward DS and I'm reporting him to the police, for threatened violence, domestic abuse and sexual assault, but I think the thing that clinched it was me promising to tell his DM was a dirty fiddler he is.
He's going. Looking for a rental. I've given him a time frame. I could shout from the rooftops.

Well done tea4two. Your situation sounds horrendous. I would log the violence with the police on 101. You may need back up if things turn nasty again and you need to keep yourselves safe. Keep strong.
Patchwork your post makes me cry. I never thought this would be so hard and as op started off saying actually things aren't so bad should I just put up but there is also hope. I really wish I had somewhere to go to plan for. There are so few rentals that come up and I don't want to move out of the area so that we can co- parent. Buying would be easier but that's out of the question financially and I don't want to stay here, to close to dmil etc.

Can I join? 16 years, 2 dcs. Have been unhappy for about 5 years, just getting worse. He's not a bad man, no ea but he has mh issues and I just feel like I'm his carer.

I've Made the decision but now it's the doing bit. I feel relatively calm and unemotional about it really. I can't wait but I'm afraid that I'll wuss out etc. I need to be brave. Can't do it just yet as dss birthday soon and we're going on hols.

Lots of people talking about having a plan for after but I don't have one. I'm not sure how it will pan out.

Changed my username to something more in keeping with this thread.

I'm in the same boat. Married 14 years. Miserable for last 8. No money for divorce. But what the hell. I've had enough. Got app with solicitor on Thurs. Going to go straight for divorce. He'll have to go halves on legal fees. He knows nothing about this. Going to tell him after Thurs. He will hit the roof but I don't care. I feel so much lighter since I made the app wk ago. Just want to get on with it now. So I can start to live again.

We need a boat party :)
Welcome.
It'll be fine.
We had a quite civilised discution about sharing holidays. We've split our annual leave for so long, we got it down to a fine art now.

Hello, I can't breathe. I'm in shock reading through everyone's versions of my daily life. I can't believe the similarities OP. I am currently awake after being harangued and called a "fucking joke" again last night. My crime? Waiting up for him to finish work. We have 3 dcs and have been together 16 years. Hello my friends, it is nice to not feel so alone.

Hello beel.
Have a good, cold look at your ducks and start putting them in a row my dear.

Hi 8fencingwire, how's things today? I am going to consider my ducks!

23 years, but working on a way out. I have another thread running and have posted about the home situation before. I have been allocated a support worker.
I too am well educated (PhD), articulate and seemingly very together. Dh is a charmer when others are around, but I may as well have written Snoopy's post. Shouting, moody, blaming, gas lighting, minimising. He too has a neurological condition, he has a pain condition, he has a mental health condition, all of which I have managed for 23 years. All of which are used to excuse his bad behaviour toward us. The final straw was when dd (19) got referred to Camhs and they came out of the first meeting with her and asked to have a word with me, she told them everything and they referred me to the local equivalent of Refuge. Hence the support worker. I am planning to get the house ready for sale and leave this summer, with help and support. He too will threaten suicide, he'll probably trash the house or at least his stuff. I'm scared, but I want my dc to have somewhere safe that they can always return to if need be. I want to be quiet, I want to have friends (he's made sure I have none) I want to go out as and when I choose without consequences. I will win this.

RyVeeta, you WILL!

RyVeeta take care and keep posting It's hard but keep the end goal on sight. You will have that free and peaceful life. It sounds like you have given enough of your life to your partner, and it's time to take back.
I am going to suggest counselling again to dh, I think I'm so entrenched in this weird non life I can't see the wood for the trees.
8fence. What's the boat trip. Does it involve us? I think beelzebop is in on it? Come joke with us. I hate that making fun of you business.

Gosh I don't know about a boat, it's a whole cruise ship that's needed. So many unhappy posters. So many shocking stories.

I jumped off the diving board 5 years ago, after at least 4 years of knowing it was over. All the pleasure in life had drained away so that when I qualified (after studying for 13 years) I couldn't feel the joy I'd always thought I'd feel and had looked forward to in all those years of training. I felt I'd betrayed myself by staying with such a nasty, sulky, moody, belittling, deceitful, selfish shit. That's when I made up my mind.

I was terrified of going, I wasn't sure I could cope on my own, which was ridiculous because I had always been independent and capable before I married. I was worried about money, dc, work, failing. But it really wasn't that hard once I went and the peace of mind and freedom were and still are wonderful.

My only regret now? That I didn't leave sooner.

You CAN leave. Take it one step at a time. And soon you will realise that you have a plan. You don't need to have a conversation necessarily (and i bet you know what they'll say anyway). Just make your plan, one step at a time.

Hi notnow I'm interested in the fact that 'you don't need to have that convo'. How did you do it?

I'm stuck waiting because of dc birthday and hols at same time. I'm thinking about what to say. A lot of pps are talking about having ducks in rows. I haven't got a clue. I'm not sure how he'll take it. I think he will be angry at first and then eventually realise I'm not bitch from hell. I suspect he suffers from a personality disorder and he's paranoid sometimes. I just hope that his sensible head kicks in.

I've start d thinking about how my life will change in terms of money. We're fairly well off but I think I'll have to start being very careful. I'm not motivated by money at all but I'm starting to worry about this front. He is very frugal and I wonder how that's going to go. I know I'll be more likely to throw the towel in and let him have his way because of guilt and being averse to confrontation. I work and earn a fair amount but I don't know if this will cover me and 2 dcs etc

Anyone else any further forward?

I just wanted to say to all you ladies who are struggling, you really can do it. If you know in your heart that your marriage is no longer working, moving on really is the best thing you can do for everyone all round. I really believe, even your dc. I've done it, it's incredibly hard and I've had 4 nights in the last year when I had no sleep at all and could barely function and I sort of had a plan but I just found that when I made a decision and just focused on doing the next right thing, things eventually worked out somehow (finances, accommodation etc). I've seen a few friends stay together for the dc and really, it does affect them. Please find the strength to do it for yourselves (and your dc) in this one precious life. It's been so worth it now I'm out the other side.

How's everyone doing? Are you carrying on? How's it going?
No change with me, still chugging along without a rudder.

Busy getting all my ducks in a row. He still has no idea. Had free consultation with solicitor. Awaiting tax credits claim form. Got my first ever credit card (just to tide me over). Going to look at a rental property on Friday. Had a bad car accident 10 days ago resulting in badly bruised ribs. Off sick until next Monday. This hasn't helped as I don't get paid when I don't work. And the pain has hampered me getting stuff done. Gone through all the books in the house. Packed away the ones I want to take. Taken my stuff I don't want to the charity shop. Can see the light at the end of the tunnel and getting excited now.

Mine has turned really nasty. The quicker I get out of here, the better. I've gone to sleep crying, fgs, I never cry!
It's not me, I can cope, he's really nasty to our kid, because he can't get to me. I shouted at him, I will protect my child.
Waiting for the mortgage to come through.

I'm still here. I'd like a day when I'm not called a bitch, or dd isn't called a troublemaker. He is getting spiteful as I withdraw. He is scared. He'll bounce between being nice and then being unpleasant, or just plain nasty. It's draining. He's complaining about a lack of affection! Yep, seriously! I see the support worker tomorrow, I'm scared but sort of positive too. When you say these things out loud they sound whiny and petty, but when you live with them day in, day out and your children (even though they're technically adults) have to live with it, it's so grim. I advised them yesterday to have a bag ready before their exams so that if he played up we could bugger off to a hotel so their revision isn't disrupted. Even I know that's not normal!

Seems like the common refrain on here, again and again, is "I wish I'd done it sooner." A very thought-provoking notion.

Also, I really think MN should add a 'duck' smiley to the list, so people can put them in a row. :)