Where can I get the strength to end it?

[confusion77]

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

May I join?

I've been trawling through mumsnet for weeks looking for a thread like this but too chicken to start my own one.

We've been together almost 8 years, 1 child together.
I'm just done. I feel sad about it but he's not the person I fell in love with and maybe it's vice versa too. We've grown apart.

I had a big bereavement last year and he's been pretty shit.
I think he's always been controlling but I've only really started to notice it in the last year.
I'm always wrong, shouldn't have done it like that, should've done it like this, why haven't I done this or that etc etc etc
Like you confusion I've spent so long trying to deflect his moods by changing my behaviour needlessly.
I'm sick of it and I'm worried it is impacting on our lovely little child.

Welcome to the boat. I know what you mean about the impact on the child. My ds is only 7.5 months. He's gorgeous, the most most amazing, happy little boy. Husbands mum said today that H doesn't realise what a fabulous baby we've got, how good he is etc. I can't bear to think of him being exposed to this behaviour.

How old is your dc? I really wanted another but think that's unlikely now.

19 years, yes.
I am a smart, educated, self assured, emotionally intelligent, not bad looking, proud woman. And it took me 19 years to realise I am not doing myself any favours.
I just did not see how much I was taken advantage of, how unhappy I was, how selfish and self centred he is. I simply did not see it. I thought that's normal.
And I would have probably continued with it, if I didn't realise he is being horrible to our DD. And then, hang on, he is just doing to her what he's been doing to me for all these years. The belittling. The passive agressiveness. The moodiness. She was not allowed to listen to her music, because it was 'rubbish' and when she objected to that he became really nasty. So I roared. I had the whole: you're crazy, you are undermining me, you you you!
Oh well. I am here to raise and protect my child. You're making my child unhappy. You're going.
Every single nasty thing he tries to do to me, I am grateful, for he makes it easier to leave.

My dc is 6. Such a lovely little child.
I wanted another child too, it's a very sore subject between us. We always planned to have 2 together and when dc was about 18 months old he went and had a vasectomy against my wishes.
I knew about it but I asked him not to have it done and he did it anyway.

8 what you've said there about the way he's treating your daughter is what I've realised today.

He asks dc abrupt questions about what has been learned at one of the after school activities instead of just enquiring about his day in general. Dc is 6 why speak like that?

I feel sad and numb.
It's just so shit.

head, don't be sad, get mad! :)

I'm sad that it's come to this. I really thought he was the one for me. It was so good at the beginning.

I'm starting to get mad though 8 because he flits between being a moody prat and then trying to act as though everything is normal. And it makes my blood boil when he treats dc like that.

I wanna explode at him and tell him all about himself and the way he behaves but I won't do it in front of dc and there is some stupid part of me that doesn't want to hurt his feelings like that. Which is stupid because he's never had that consideration for me and my feelings!
I keep trying to tell myself all that shows is that I am a decent person.

Strangely, it's nice to know I'm not alone although obviously I wish none of you were feeling how I feel.

to all of you here

fead I am the same, don't want to hurt his feelings even though he has no regard for mine. I find it hard to find time to talk to him as I won't do it with the baby awake because H WILL get angry, raise his voice etc.

He's gone out and left me at home with the baby. I still feel awful from being ill and in bloody hospital all day Thursday.

We've got one of his children here for the weekend, I was listening in on them while I was making lunch and he speaks the same way. Questioning almost abruptly. I think that's just his manner and he's always been like it but something in me has changed and I don't find it acceptable anymore.
Strange.

confusion that's rotten. I was going to ask what was wrong with you but I'm not sure if that's too intrusive?!
Hope you feel better soon anyway. Will baby take a nap this afternoon? Could you get a nap yourself then?

I was reading back through again from the beginning of the thread and peggy I think, said it's just having the conversation that's left to do and I feel like that's where we are at too.
I've looked at financial impact, legal and know what to do and how to do it, it's just physically saying it out loud to him and then what that entails.

Can I come on board? Dh called ds a dick today. Twice. To his face. He is 8.

Ladies there is light on the other side...
Making the decision is harder work than the aftermath.
Here I am 3 years on and my ex and gf came round for tea & cake to celebrate ds birthday.
Weirdly we all had a lovely time.
If I had stayed we'd have been a further 3 years into our then 13 yr relationship that was full of resentment and hatred. We've let all that go now and are free!
Believe me if you get to the point of regular suicidal or murderous thoughts, it's time to leave.
What are you scared of?
Finances? I've been surprised at how cheaply I can live when pushed.
Loneliness? I spend more time with friends
Being a single mum? It's much easier when you are happy.
Believe me resentment just eats away at your soul!

Here's my story, which is how not to do it.

I was miserably married for 18 years, but clearly brilliant at hiding my misery as everyone thought I was content being married to an arsehole. One of my main reasons for not leaving was I felt guilty hat the children would have to spend time with him without me there to,buffer them. Also money - how would I manage - and knowing how ugly he'd be during the breakup.

So I stayed. And I met a man, he was in a similar situation, and we became friends, then more than friends, and then we started an affair. It was very brief and I slipped up so my husband found out. All hell broke loose, husband was furious and horrible but devastated and wanted to try again. And I had done a bad bad thing, and hurt him, so we spent a miserable two years 'trying' which mostly meant me apologising and doing whatever he wanted because I felt so guilty.

He did try a bit but the basic problems were still there: didn't occur to him to try to understand why I was so unhappy. i fantasised about leaving, then did some more serious research, and one day he saw me browsing rental properties. So he got angry and started lecturing me, and the balance shifted, I just said 'yes, I do want us to divorce, I have tried but it just isn't working'. The breakup was awful - 14 months living in the same house while it sold, kids at GCSEs - but then one day I was free, living my life without him.

so whatever you do don't do what I did and put yourself at risk of deceiving your husband - he doesn't deserve that. Be fair, you know you are miserable, get planning, do your research, and get on with it.

purple great post. Hope you are ok OP.

britmod that's such a positive post and it gave me hope reading it. I can't imagine him and I being civil after the event but I bet you thought the same?!

Hope everyone is ok.

Hi all, feeling a bit better today but really tired, rough night with baby.

floundering that awful. My husband said 'oi!' at the baby last night when he was awake in the night. Idiot.

Spoken to his mum at length today. Both agree there is some depression or something going on but I am past caring. I often wish he would cheat then I would have a good reason to kick him out, As if I don't already.

The sad thing is I'm not past caring. I do care otherwise I wouldn't be here. He seems so desperately unhappy and that in itself makes me sad. But then tonight we are back to stony silences. It's no life for either of us.

Can I join too? Just posted a thread about DH and myself and then saw your thread which struck a big chord. Sorry to hear you are all having a tough time too.

Hi. Can I join. I feel like this constantly thinking yes I should leave and then not. If only we could have that conversation but it seems impossible without just mud slinging and blame.
One day, one day.

I have decided it is sit or get off the pot conversation time with dh. We are apart on so many levels and whoever said they wished sometimes he would cheat so you could end it easily, I've thought that a million times. But after nearly 20 years and 2 kids I'd like to know if we can sustain the effort to change for the better before giving up. We live abroad at the moment which is an added bone of contention. He's away this week and we have family visiting between now and a week after easter. I have decided to email him. That way I can get out all I need to say without interuption and he has space to read it and take it in and think about it.
Here's hoping the next month doesn't end in divorce without at least trying!

Shit or get off the pot even!

Welcome shandy and getting. Sorry you are here. Yes mudlinging and blame is a good description of how well we talk too.

Is this going to be like the Ttc threads where people 'graduate', in that case to pregnancy but in this case to singledom or happiness, or both!

H is unwell today. Hmm. Again a bit of a pattern.

Ah "confusion". That sounds good. Any graduates? It might take longer than ttc threads and I remember the angst of that.
I had a talk with dh. It was ok,the seed was sown and then it's gone back to before. I'm not sure if we both frightened each other by being so calm but also matter of fact.
Unfortunately it's all gone back to the old pattern now and I feel drained by it all.

Hi, just want to add my little bit to this - it's almost 6 months since I left my husband, he's an alcoholic (he'll never admit this) and I'd been thinking about leaving for ages because I'd had enough of his behaviour but it all got so unpleasant (shouty, not violent) one evening that it gave me the strength I needed to go. Just wanted to say that it's the best move I've ever made, I'm so happy being on my own, not scary. And my little house is just peaceful - no more treading on eggshells and wondering when he's going to flip from a silly drunk to the scary man. The only sad thing is that he won't ever realise he was ever in the wrong.

I read your post and though "are you me?".. but me 5 years ago. I vividly renember that feeling of "I can't do it" (leave). But I did do it! It was really difficult back then. But the peace, the calm and the freedom afterwards is indescribable. I also know that however things pan out, I will never regret that I have my children the clear message that some behaviour is simply not acceptable.

I don't know how things will pan out for us (as in me and my dc). He met someone else. I feel sad for her. I don't feel ready even now to even think about meeting anyone else.

It is tough. But I look back on some of the things I went through during the marriage and my overriding feeling is always "thank god I got out"

I feel the same as OP and others, I feel stuck and I have tried to end it before but he always talks me round and says he won't leave our house and DD. Sometimes I have just had enough and other times I think he is not that bad and I am selfish for wanting a better life.

Thanks for the positive stories make and pink it's good to hear from people on the other side!

shandy I know just what you mean. I haven't even had the talk this time. I'm just not in the right place to be dealing with it. Husband has done his usual cycle and although it's taken longer, as I am really not feeling it, he is back to 'normal' and being nice, being interested etc.