Where can I get the strength to end it?

[confusion77]

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

Name change blocking things out and being silent isn't the same thing at all. Most people here are talking of behaviour which is pretty unpleasant to say the very least. My husband is like a jekyll and Hyde character. He had a huge tantrum because I blew my nose on a piece of kitchen roll. He sulks and is awful if I see family or friends. He ignored our baby when he was poorly. It's not the same. Some women here are talking to refuges and women's aid. I'm sorry you were unhappy for so long though and agree it's still tough to have that talk.

I agree namechange but he is uncommunicative so don't see conversation happening anytime soon. Your experience is encouraging though.

i left an 11 year relationship with 2 children over a year ago and it was honestly the best decision i have ever made! i too should have left after year one but with newborn twins i stuck it out.

i just kept telling myself that i wanted somebody who would want to spend time with us as a family and was happy and fun, in the end i made the call (there was more to it than that). i read a saying the other day , your king wont show until you remove the jokers! ive found my king.

honestly it is a really hard decision to make but it is the right one, i know i would never stay in a relationship now for the sake of my children as they are so much happier.

good luck, i was in turmoil for 6 months not knowing what to do but when i made my mind up i never looked back!

Sorry... with the time it took to name change I got the 2 posts that I was reading mixed up (getting old and forgot password so had to change password bla bla bla ) being silent isnt relative here but the last bit about "life being too short" and "left it too long" is.

I decided I needed to leave last July, saw a solicitor, but couldn't actually have the conversation with 'D'H.

I have made plans over the months and now the time is here. But I don't know where to start... I know that whatever way I approach 'D'H he will turn it around on me, refuse to accept it, say that he will do anything to keep me (but do absolutely nothing - how many times have I been there?).

I need to get him to realise that this is for real - that I need to end it, that after 23 years I need peace from him and everything that goes with him. How do I do this?

You move out and serve him the papers?
If it helps, I had to be very calculated and make him think HE got to that conclusion. I detached completely, didn't comment/talk more than I had to, did my own thing.
After years of contributing with the 80%of the family budget, I had my salary paid into my own account and just transferred an equal amount to his into the joint account. One of a sudden that meant I was a s**t wife and we should split up. I said sure!

Do you all mind if I jump on board?
I've been with P for 12 years, we've 2 DS together and I have a DS, we all live together, me and P are joint tenants with local authority.
I told him in June last year I was through with it and wanted out, we had the discussion, the row, I was told I wouldn't be taking his kids anywhere etc etc. He said wasn't going anywhere, and because I just wanted peace we just settled for being together but being apart. He reckoned he could deal with this but it didn't stop him asking for sex, or fiddling with me while I was asleep.
Anyway, I've been sleeping on the sofa for at least a month now, no spare room. I want out but the housing situation is driving me mad. I should leave because I want out, but I know he couldn't afford this place by himself and will eventually lose it, but he won't move out, 'why should he, he'll need somewhere for the boys to come to.'
Tonight we've had the biggest row of all, my eldest ds came down after he threatened to knock me through the wall, so they were both shouting abuse at each other,its an absolute nightmare.
I don't know how long it's going to take to get somewhere else to live with the council etc I just know I've got to make the move asap.

Dear tee4two
What you describe there is sexual and emotional and physical abuse. You can log that with the police which would help you get him out. If you phone WA they can help.

Tee, please log it with the police, you can do it on 101. Poor DS, he'll need to see you take some action? WA can talk you through your options. Good luck.

The idea of a new start in our own house is actually winning over the desire to stay put. My eldest is 19, and has to put up with a lot from him over the years, and although I wanted him to stay out of it,and be quiet, I'm very proud of him.(is that wrong?).

8FencingWire - thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have nowhere to go - H has options available.

I am hoping to find the ability/strength this weekend to have the conversation. I will ask him to leave but I know his response will be that he won't go as he is legally allowed to stay.

But, if I manage to get the words out, at least he will know my wishes - I just have to remain strong and resolute, which is the hard part!

I keep picturing and imagining my life without him in it - and it looks so much better.

tee, contact WA, they will be able to help you.
nearly, I wish you strength. Mine laughed at and belittled me for years when I said I am not happy. Took me years of attempting to make him understand. He only got it when I stopped trying and disengaged completely. Then he made it all about him.
I am waiting for the mortgage to get through. I'm waiting for the first time I bake a cake on Saturday afternoon with DD without being criticised I'm cooking rubbish again (while he scoffs most of it), for the first time I unlock the bike and cycle into town or to work, for the time I invite friends round without worrying about having to coax him into being nice to people. And I am spending my energy on achieving that, not on his negativity.
Do you have children? I found it easier to leave because I have mine.

8FencingWire - we have 2 children, both grown up, one who lives at home. They are part of the reason I am finding this so hard! I think it is worry about how they will react.

I have made my feelings of unhappiness clear over many years in conversations with H - but he promises the earth and never delivers. I know I will be better off without him. He has gone away (hobby) for this afternoon, tonight, and won't be back until late tomorrow evening. Which leaves me with when he gets back and Monday....

I was seeing a brilliant counsellor who helped me get to the point of making the decision to leave, I was intending to start seeing her weekly rather than monthly when the time was nearer (now) - unfortunately she was taken ill and had to stop working. I could really do with her right now.

Me and my husband have been together 10 years, married for three! Happy for some of it, but as soon as house and babies came along things changed massively!! up until 5 months ago never spoke, argued constantly, didn't even share a bed together most nights!! What changed, I found out in labour with my second baby he was having an affair for the previous six months!! And although I hate him and I don't know if we will ever work things out now, it made us become the old us again! (Without the sex obviously!!!!) He had become a moody, nasty, arrogant shit, but now he has snapped out of that much more nicer than he ever was. They seem to think that is the mans role to become this moody arsehole that mopes around the house thinking they have a hard life, when reply it's us that have to juggle six million things, whilst they sit back and watch tv. I tell you what ladies these men need a boot us the back side!!!!!!

Hear hear lonelyhour. So true. Giving boot up said arse.

Bloody hell lonely! What are your plans? I don't think I could forgive or forget.

Nearly - that's really bad news re the counsellor. Such a shame when you have clicked with someone like that.

Here things are the same with the exception that I went out for the day last week with a family member H doesn't like. This would usually result in a big strop sulk silence etc. But I realised I wasn't doing anything wrong so went ahead and did it anyway. Then there was a huge accident on the road home causing massive delays. Normally H would be vile if I had been out, worse if I got home after him. Well ds was in the hot car so I turned and went to relatives house and ended up home neatly 9pm. H was fine. No problem, no moaning and said it was lucky that I had somewhere to turn back to with ds. Highly irregular behaviour. I don't know what to make of it.

Ladies, please don't be like my poor friend. Married for forty years to a nasty, womanising, controlling bully. She wanted to leave but was too ashamed, embarrassed about what friends/family would think because he was so hail fellow well met to everyone, and she had two children who adored him!
Now all these years have gone by, she is now his carer after he suffered a series of strokes, heart attacks and has various other medical issues, she can't leave him at home alone because he is now falling and he refuses point blank to allow anyone else but her to care for him. Yes, she's bitter. Bitter, angry and now in the situation where she can never leave. Too many years have passed. Sadly, he is still a nasty bully. It's been a life half lived for her. Do not let it be you.

I did it.
I had the conversation.
It was horrible.
But, I did it.

Now I have to remain strong and in control. H doesn't want to split up, he loves me, he will do anything to keep us together....... I've heard it all so many times. I feel numb apart from the sickness in my stomach! Scared about what I have done.

I jumped off the diving board a few months ago after trying for a year to convince myself to do it.

Life is so much better. I feel like me again. It is such a relief. I only wish I could go back and tell myself to jump much sooner. Yes, there have been hard times, but it was much harder being with my dp. I can sort the hard times out now. I am not being shouted at by anyone, or blamed, or suspected. I am losing weight that I put on because I was afraid all the time and could only cope with that by eating. I am chatting with other men again, having had to watch myself before (you know, in case I accidentally slept with them )

If I can say anything, it's just do it. Life is too short. There is so much happiness out there. It is definitely easier than you expect it to be. You can do it.

Wow nearly, well done. How do you feel? Do you have any sense of relief or is it still dread? (I assume others get the dread that I do....)
Sorry I realise you've said how you feel. Stay strong. X

Change - life is too short, that's what I need to keep telling myself now. As well as thinking about how things can be - not straight away, but somewhere, in the future.

Confusion - I am here alone (H gone off to find somewhere to stay), and I'm not completely sure how I feel. There is no sadness (I know I will grieve for a 23 year marriage at some point), I don't want to cry, mainly nothingness....? The relief part is that I don't have to initiate THAT conversation, it is done. I think real relief will arrive when the DC are told (21/23).

There is dread - things H said today show he will fight every step of the way, something I really want to avoid.

Uncertainty is also here - I don't know when H will return, what steps I will take next?

Wow well done nearly. So proud of you. You've done the hard bit made a decision and told him. Keep strong.
Cccchange love your name and as a motto. Fab. And I know you are right.

It's funny I never saw myself as a divorcee being quite laid back and with a solid reliable hubby type, but then again I never saw myself as a smoker even though I smoked for years and considered myself clean living.
Time to take the leap. That or counselling, just to cover all bases!

Shandy - making the decision was easy, the hard part was actually getting the words to fall out of my mouth! I knew what I wanted to say - I had run through options previously with my counsellor and in my head - but the words just stuck in my throat so many times.

It sounds like you are nearly ready to have the talk - maybe counselling would help clarify things in your mind and give you strength to move forward when you are ready.

Thanks nearly. It's weird every night I make the decision that the relationship is over and am happy with that decision, relieved in fact, but then in the morning I just get up and get on with life as it is and then I'm disappointed with myself by night.
I've never cared much before about making big decisions for myself, jobs, moving, buying a house but this feels so different mainly I think because it affects the children and they are too young to have any say. It makes me feel selfish as if I'm denying them a family life and dh a little. He deserves better, not that I'm a bad person but then neither is he. And the cycle goes on. ..

Omg this is so familiar it has chilled me. My DH is controlling and detached. We have z3 kids. He can be very good with them bu then also is sarcastic and negative and impatient and teases. He is wedded to his iPad not me and rarely affectionate. We constantly squabble and have some huge underlying disagreements. We started off very happy and he used to ge attentive, loving, kind and gentle but has become resentful, self obsessed, distant and cynical.
I know if we had no kids we would split up for sure. But with a 7, 3 and baby it seems impossible.
I am always feeling sad and lonely, wondering if he even loves me. But overwhelmed with sleep deprivation and work and house and childcare. The dc s love him, the love their family days out, building Lego etc.
It feels like there is no happy ending either way.