Where can I get the strength to end it?

[confusion77]

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

Yy to ducks :)
Ry, when are you moving out?

Even though we had a conversation 2 weeks ago - and H agreed that he would move out....he is still here.

First he couldn't find anywhere. Then when he came to the conclusion that he ought to go to the family house (it was left to 3 brothers - estate not yet settled - very large and many bedrooms) he told me there were no spare rooms.... then when a visitor had left, the room had an antique for poster bed in - which was only 6 foot long and TOO SHORT for him to sleep him. 3 inches shorter than an modern bed!!!!

He says no where has beds in stock - they all take 4-6 weeks to arrive.

He is being so bloody awkward. He thinks that if he stays I will change my mind.

I am now in the process of detaching from him - I will answer if he speaks, but nothing more than needs saying, I won't cook, wash or anything, I spend evenings in my bedroom.

Keep going and stay strong.

8Fencing
Seeing support worker then working on things from there.

For everyone struggling here.

Can I join to please. Reading your thread, it just seems very similar to the boat I'm in atm. I'm at the point of having checked out, just wish I could switch of caring. Been with my husband far 13 years, almost half my life. I'm so scared at times of being alone, and of hurting him, but I can't go on like this.

He is all 'me me me', and sucks the life out of everything. He is this giant black cloud, always has to be complaining, finding fault. I feel we can't even do 'normal things' when he's around, as he just complains or moans at everything. He's like this black hole for happiness.

I wish I could be out the other side of leaving him, without actually having to do the leaving part :( Sometimes I think it'd be easier if he died - which I hate myself for even thinking, it makes me such a horrible person.

Oh you poor thing Sofrustrated. Relationships should not be this hard. They should be your rock not your black hole, but that's exactly how I feel, but the annoying thing is he seems perfectly sociable, helpful and amiable on the outside. This shouldn't matter but it makes me feel like I'm in the wrong and what'd wrong with me for not accepting my life. My Mum would say you've made your choice now you have to lie in it, which now sounds like a hellish nightmare. Where did that phrase come from, the dark ages and why is it in my mind!!

Well we're no further forward. He's been looking for rentals but with deposits etc its near enough £1000. Which isn't easy to find. And now he's gone quiet on the searching. I'm going to apply with an HA and speak to council about moving because I swear he thinks it'll all settle down again. At least he's stopped being such a twat to my DS.

Keep at it teafortwo. It's so easy to leave it and before you know it that's another year with the same shot happening. Unless something has actually changed.
I'm s good one talking tho as I'm still here, not talked, but feel I'm going to burst before long. Only problem if I think he will burst soon too.
I take if back all those times I agreed with the sentiment that it's too easy to walk away from a marriage these days. If only I knew.

How's everyone doing?

Nearly has your h gone yet?

Shandy have you burst?

tee how are you coping?

Ry any progress for you?

.... and everyone else. Come and update

Getting there. He still doesn't want me to leave. Reckons he still loves me. Busy sorting a rental property out for me and kids. Should be moving next week fingers crossed.

That's good lousy. Do you feel ok about it?
I've had a talk tonight, there was no blow out Notnow. He said predictably if only I would stop picking on him he wouldn't react to me and that although it was both of us he thought it was mainly me. I'm so beyond it I just let it go and said actually what I've done is walk away whenever I feel an argument brewing and consequently we mostly are apart and what sort of a life is that? He hadn't registered this. I've suggested counselling. Amazingly he hasn't rejected thud out of the water but doesn't feel there's any point talking!
I'm feeling deflated and tired still that this hamster wheel is just going to continue.
How's everyone else?

Thanks for asking, Notnow. H is still here....

Still in complete denial that anything is wrong. His life is ok, so stuff everyone else. I have minimal contact, do very little around the house and try to keep out of his way. It's frustrating though. I suppose if I were brave enough I would just go to the solicitor and get the paperwork sorted.

Keep posting, it's good to hear from everyone.

Hi, Sorry, can't always get to the computer, life gets in the way!
All is quiet. Been quite up and down, he worked out from my withdrawing that something was going on and then insisted I was abusing him because I had withdrawn affection! He then wanted to talk, but won't discuss things if I use the word abuse! . I told him I wanted a divorce so after 24 hours of crying, blackmailing dd I had to tell him he has another chance. He managed a day. I'm just keeping quiet, keeping my head down and behaving as though all is normal. Need dds to get through the exam period. Waiting for solicitors appointment now which support worker is arranging. Thank you Notnow
For all.

Not read back but I will. Didn't realise this was still going.

I'm still here. I don't know why. It's shit. H just took ds out of his cot where he had been playing happily, and handed him to me sayin "I've got to get ready' i replied, in a completely reasonable way" OK but you should have left him in his cot then" he gave me such a filthy look, just stood staring at me, so I said "I need to get ready too and he won't like it because I'll have to put him back in his cot, he would have been fine if you left hin there"

He went to leave the house and had totally ignored me. I said bye, and ate you pissed off now then? To which he said yes. I have actually sent him a text saying it's ridiculous and childish. I wouldn't normally do that but ffs he needs to grow up. Why the fuck won't he just leave?

I keep thinking I'm being petty about things like this but it's not normal is it? He's not spoken to me since he got home.

Anyone else still around?

I'm joining you all on that boat. Pink Cadillac, that made me so sad to think of you driving around at night alone. Stay safe. Feel similar to what's been expressed here. No intimacy, years and years without sex. I might as well have joined a nunnery ffs! Dh stable, hardworking, nice person, good father, although bit hands off with kids at times. He sits with laptop most evenings. I feel detached from him and not interested in stuff he's interested in. We chat superficially and about teenage kids. I fantasise about leaving but worry that I'd be on my own and poorer. Feel institutionalised by marriage so it feels scary to leave. Although, in my braver moments I feel exhilarated by the idea. This weekend I broke down crying in front of dd aged 16 and said a few home truths about how I can't communicate with dh. She actually said it's important for me to be happy and not think of others all the time which made me feel she's sort of understood and would kind of accept it. Living without sex or real companionship is just killing me inside. But I still think it's so hard to break it up...the guilt is there that we couldn't make it work.

Confusion 77, no, your dh's behaviour not acceptable. Why the hell is he pissed off with you?!!

That's lovely green that your dd was so supportive. I don't know why H is pissed off, other than he's a miserable sod who seems intent on being unhappy.

I feel so sad about it. I'd love for us to be happy, but it's just not going to happen. And he can be bloody awful, and when he's not being awful he's often not being particularly pleasant. I feel suffocated, I can't be who I am. I'm becoming miserable like him.

Can I jump on board??? To chicken to start my own thread.
Only been with partner 3 years married for 1.
We had gone to school together and reconected on fb. He pursued me, charmed me. At that time I was actually really happy on my own with my 2 children have trips away. Anyway got with him.... Was pregnant by the end of the year... Baby was born he was quite possessive over baby. Married him, moved away with him with his mom. Now pregnant again.
He is controlling, likes to put me down especially about what my life was like before him. Digs at me because I like going on trips. Doesn't get on with my eldest ( she is now at uni) he is moody as someone else said here sucks the life out of everything.
Had a breakdown back in January ( I do have bi polar) since then he has made comments like am I capable of looking after the kids etc.....
Today had a row I cried he threatened me with calling the doctor ( as if I'm insane).
He likes to make me feel stupid. I don't think I even love him.
I want out so bad.... But he threatens me saying I could never take the children!!
He also digs at my elder children implying I haven't brought them up right.
Sorry for rambling I don't know what to do.... It doesn't help being pregnant (despite taking morning after pill).
Also a very selfish lover ... Just gets his end away then done no thought for me.
There's more I feel I've rambled on enough, thanks for listening xxxx

Hi romoca, welcome on board. I don't know if it's depressing or not that there are so many people in the same boat. I'm going with NOT I think, it's helpful to realise that I'm not the only one.

Ramble away, it's the whole point really. I have been in this situation for longer than I like to admit and this is a good place to let it out.

It's really not right the way your H is treating you re the mental health, just cruel really. What would you like to do? Only what would you like to happen?

I say that because clearly I don't want to do anything, I just want the problem to solve itself.......

My dream is to just move with the children and cats, I don't care if it's a small bedsit.....I think it's money stopping me at the moment, trouble I relocated 2 hours away from my home town, don't have any friends here. Live in the sticks. I don't drive. So I really need to get my thinking cap on how to do this! I've always left bad relationships in the past.... Just never been married before!!
It is so very sad reading though these posts although it makes me feel not alone.
We haven't even spoken for a few hours!!! Xx

Mustn't forget the cats. I have two. Does your H think things are good as they are? Mine has suggested we split up in the past but I think it was a control thing. Since I've been thinking it myself, he hasn't mentioned it. I think because he knows I'd say yes.

We haven't spoken properly since Monday. Joyful isn't it.

I'm in the sticks too, but I do drive. It must be quite isolating.

I have 4 cats!!! He complained I had 3 when I met him!! Said it was to many then he got me 4th for my birthday!!! He thinks things are ok. That's cuz normally I keep my trap shut!!
Oh I feel for you to its not easy... How long you been with your partner?? Xxx

Too long. 14 years. I think. 14 bloody years!! What a waste. Although I have my gorgeous baby boy so won't regret it. X