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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't told them

165 replies

Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 16:36

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 03/03/2016 16:50

Why are you going to back to him when you've been wondering whether you are "meant for each other", and more especially after you "saw a side to him" that you hadn't seen before?

Your mother is obvously desperately worried about you returning to such a fraught and fractiious relationship, as any loving and caring dm would be, and her anger with him is no doubt in part motivated by her frustration in being unable to protect you from yourself a man who is clearly neither respectful of, or right for, you.

shrubbery · 03/03/2016 16:56

I'm going through a pretty awful time at the moment, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice, but I would say that if you have doubts in your mind about him, stay away a while longer so that you can think clearly.
Your mother may be influenced by her own previous experiences, but I am sure she only has your best interests at heart.
If your boyfriend does have some abusive tendencies, part of this can involve clouding your judgement and conditioning you to accept his behaviour.
You will be able to think more rationally about him whilst you are apart.
Take this time to think very clearly about what you want for your future and whether the arguments and unpleasant things that have happened already are what you really want more of, irrespective of how good the good bits are.

LobsterQuadrille · 03/03/2016 17:09

What was the "side to him" that you hadn't seen before? Obviously abusive - but physically violent, bitingly sarcastic, throwing up the past? As for your mother - as a lone parent of one daughter (18), I can only say that my DD is the dearest and most important person in my life and I would feel exactly like your mother if I learned that anyone had hurt her in any way. That's normal. However, speaking also as someone who has actively encouraged (to my shame) abusive relationships in the past, I would also feel an element of guilt if DD were in the same situation, wondering if I had unwittingly passed my unhealthy choices down to her.

I'd say give your boyfriend a wide berth for the time being.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 17:11

It sounds like you wish you hadn't told them because you want to go back to this person who you don't even think is right for you.

Life is too long to spend it with the wrong person, to spend it being unhappy, to spend it micro managing people's feelings.

FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 17:16

So the people around you (close friends and your mother) have got to hear about separate incidents which were awful. That should tell you something. Why are you going back to him?? The relationship sounds very unhealthy and doomed tbh. Your mum has every right to be worried about what you're doing.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 17:22

Thanks everyone. I actually feel really teary reading your posts.

Lobster - we argued when I was driving, and we both really shouted, he told me to stop the car, so I pulled over, thinking he was going to start walking, but he took the keys out the ignition, then punched my headlight and smashed it.

even writing that makes me feel so stupid for even having feelings for him.

OP posts:
Atenco · 03/03/2016 17:27

I'm sorry, OP, I was in that situation with one of my dd's boyfriends, it is heartbreaking for a mother to know their child is being abused. If you loved yourself half as much as your mother loves you, you would never go near this man again.

AliceInUnderpants · 03/03/2016 17:28

Do you have any idea how hard it is to have someone you love walk back into a situation you know is dangerous for them?
Plus, your mum is well aware that you'll tell him how she feels about him, and that he will likely use it to distance you from her.

LobsterQuadrille · 03/03/2016 17:28

Don't feel at all stupid for writing it - you could have gone back to him without another thought, without telling your mother and without posting on here. The fact that you've done all these things means that you know within yourself that this isn't normal or healthy behaviour.

Good luck, OP and look after yourself.

Jan45 · 03/03/2016 17:29

OMG, why would you go back to someone who is violent, I assume there's a back story?

Fine to have feelings for him but the longer you give yourself to work all this out, those feelings will fade.

Listen to your mum, she's never wrong.

Branleuse · 03/03/2016 17:32

your mum knows what you are worth, and you dont x

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 17:35

thanks again for the posts.

I feel awful for putting my mum through the worry. she has been texting me today and she sounds so upset, I hate it.

xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 17:36

Hi Jan, sorry, what do you mean by back story? xxx

OP posts:
Jan45 · 03/03/2016 17:38

Have you posted about him before?

Please stay at your mum's, at least until you are 100% sure.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 17:38

Back story generally means there are loads more wrong than what is posted about in the OP.
Leave him. He punched something in anger. Next time it might be you.

magratsflyawayhair · 03/03/2016 17:38

So go back. But just to get your stuff. Then go back to your mum's. I think you know she's right. He's not someone you want to be with if he can be so aggressive.

neonrainbow · 03/03/2016 17:40

You wish you hadn't told her because now you can't pretend everything is ok. Next time it could be you he punches. He that to make you get back in line. You know there's no future with him. There's so many good men out there. While you're wasting time with this loser you'll never find a partner who actually loves you.

lorelei9 · 03/03/2016 17:40

of course your mum is upset
her daughter wants to stay with a violent man!

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 17:41

Hi Jan, no I haven't posted about him before.

but yes, it hasn't been the smoothest 2 years, so I guess there is a back story.

xxx

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 03/03/2016 17:43

Stay with your mum, OP. Please.

He will use and abuse you, too many red flags to even count.

EweAreHere · 03/03/2016 17:44

You were already worrying about your partner and your relationship. And now he has done this. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker ... this may be your wake up call.

ajandjjmum · 03/03/2016 17:48

I know what your Mum is going through, and it's absolutely shit. You have to respect the choices of your adult DC, but you KNOW they're wrong. Those few months of worry and tears I would class as being amongst the worst of my life - and that includes my baby DS being ill and losing my father.

She's only concerned because she loves you so much - please think hard about what your doing, and why you're doing it. for you and your Mum.

WhoaCadburys · 03/03/2016 17:48

Has he ever hit or threatened you, Toomuch? What does he say when you discuss his recent behaviour?

AgathaF · 03/03/2016 17:50

So he's physically violent and controlling. Your mum is right, you shouldn't go back to him. If he's behaving like this after less than two years, do you really think it's going to get any better?

This is who he is. Be smart and walk away.

MistressDeeCee · 03/03/2016 17:55

I guess you love him OP, thats why you can't leave him. & you regret telling your mum and friends, particularly your mum, as now its widely known what he is truly like, and you know this will both upset and anger your mum. Your relationship will implode anyway. Once you are having nasty, intense, regular arguments its always the way. You can't hold onto the relationship even if you want to. It will slip away from you. Take advice you've been given on here by PPs. & read "Baggage Reclaim" website which can be pretty blunt and straightforward, but gives you some real food for thought and may help you find the strength to walk away

A PP said you don't know your worth. That is true, or you would never want to be in such a toxic relationship. Your mum is also upset because its now also clear to her that you don't know your worth. Whatever you told her has hit home. Healthy relationships where a couple love and respect each other aren't like your relationship. Good times then nasty, turbulent times then back to good times is not the way. Use this time to read up, to gather strength, remember who you were before you met this man what you loved to do, what made you feel good.

You'll need your mum and good friends too