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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't told them

165 replies

Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 16:36

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 03/03/2016 23:23

Oh Tomuch, that's also in the script. If he was nasty all the time you'd have walked out ages ago, wouldn't you?

LeaLeander · 03/03/2016 23:25

Why would you settle for a violent abuser? There are 3.5 Billion other men on earth. Many of them kind, intelligent and drama-free.

Don't confuse lust and infatuation with love. Listen to your mother. Listen to the posters here who have been there too. Don't be weak and let him manipulate you back into his clutches. He has no right to any sympathy. Save yourself.

ChickyChickyParmParm · 03/03/2016 23:25

Exactly, there is no point. And even if your friends told you he was saintly and beyond reproach (which I doubt) that doesn't matter because his behaviour with YOU is scary.

Abusers are always nice a lot of the time, otherwise no one would be reeled in. It only takes that 1pc of his character though, and that 1pc could harm you very badly.

Sending a big hug, OP x

sleeponeday · 04/03/2016 00:38

I have mutual friends with his ex, & ive been so tempted to try and pry into what happened, but as time goes by im just thinking whats the point? I know the answer already

If you know the answer to the exent that you don't think that you even need to ask... then why are you even considering having any contact with him, ever again?

And yes, it's calculated behaviour. As has been mentioned, he removed the keys to stop you driving away so he could smash your car. But the test of abuse isn't whether it is calculated, it's whether it is abusive, so really, that doesn't matter much anyway.

And of course he is lovely at times. How else would these men ever end up with anyone? No woman would be invested enough to stay otherwise.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 07:00

Yes, you sound like a typical woman in denial

DoreenLethal · 04/03/2016 08:14

but I just dont get how someone can be so lovely & kind, but then have this other side.

If people were nasty all the time, then how would they get close enough to their next victim? Think of abusers who lure kids in with sweeties. It's the same thing.

Do not go back to this man. Listen to your mam.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 08:27

It is all starting to make sense. especially the stuff about his ex. 'The Script' is new to me, but he is text book when it comes to that.

he has always said that she was mental and he did everything he could to help her. he thinks that her depression rubbed off on him and has scarred him.

from what I've heard, she is now very settled and in a happy relationship.

he admits that he has been in a bad place, and his emotions are very close to the surface all the time.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 04/03/2016 09:10

Your self esteem must be very low for you to even think about going back to a violent abusive man. Would you consider counselling?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 04/03/2016 09:17

"he admits that he has been in a bad place, and his emotions are very close to the surface all the time."

Toomuchinfo1, has he sought professional help for that? Also, has he fixed your car headlight?

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 09:18

I have thought about counselling. But I actually didn't think I needed it for this situation. I have been feeling guilty a lot recently, over really silly things that should now be firmly in the past. So I did look into getting some counselling to help me deal with these feelings. My work have an Employee Assistance Programme, so it wouldn't cost my anything.

I'm sure if I went, then the floodgates would open and it would all come out. I've never had counselling before, but I can imagine the relief it brings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 09:20

He hasn't sought help, as he says that he used to be a lot more angry, but he can deal with it better now.

He said he was going to fix the headlight, but he hasn't. My car is booked in for an MOT tomorrow, so I guess they will deal with it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 09:29

If you can get counselling for free, do it! Put the wheels in motion today!

The MOT garage will charge you extra for fixing the headlight. I suggest you tell him that and tell him you expect him to pay for it (the extra cost of the repair, not the whole cost of the MOT).

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 09:35

Thanks Emma - I am going to email about the counselling today. I think they then arrange a 15 min consultation over the phone and then take it from there.

I have a feeling that he is going to give me money towards the MOT, as he also (same incident), tried to pull the passenger door off, so that needs to be fixed too.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 04/03/2016 09:38

Do you live with this unhinged man? If so I would pack your stuff when he´s out and leave for good. I would only tell him after the fact if poss. There´s red flags all over the place from your posts. We can see them more clearly cos we are fortunate enough to be objective and not have our judgment blurred by emotion.

His behaviour will escalate undoubtedly, as sure as night follows day. Whether that be from a physical violence standpoint or he´ll up the psychological abuse, control and manipuation. His ex was never the problem, I can put money on that. She most likely had depression as a result of being stuck with him though! If it were me I´d be tempted to even contact her and find out for myself. Just for curiosity though, it shouldn´t change the outcome. That you must leave. But just to see if he´s the lying bastard I suspect he is, blaming someone else for his appalling behaviour.

Abusive men are always like Jeckyll and Hyde. As others have said, they would never get anyone to come near them if they always had their true colours on show.

But when you leave, don´t tell him beforehand and attempt to leave when it´s just you and him in the house. At least have someone else present so he´ll be unlikely to kick off. Best do it when he´s out though. Forewarned is forearmed so I wouldn´t give him the heads up or he´ll use that to his advantage.

NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 09:46

"Thanks Emma - I am going to email about the counselling today. I think they then arrange a 15 min consultation over the phone and then take it from there."
Great Smile

"I have a feeling that he is going to give me money towards the MOT, as he also (same incident), tried to pull the passenger door off, so that needs to be fixed too."
What do you mean, you "have a feeling"? Are you leaving it up to him to decide whether he pays or not? You need to tell him that as he has damaged your car, you expect him to pay for the repairs, and you will tell him how much he owes you once the repairs are done. (You will get an itemised invoice.)

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 09:57

What do you mean, you "have a feeling"?

I'm just going by what he said last week, as I haven't made contact with him since. he knows the MOT is tomorrow, so if I don't hear from him then I will get in contact xx

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 09:59

Ah OK. Well good luck with it x

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 09:59

Moomin - Yes i do live with him, but ive been spending a lot of time at my mums and at my friends. I think ive stayed with him twice in the last 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 04/03/2016 10:48

Please leave.

I was with a man who was violent. Then he hit me again. Then I finally left him when he hurt my pet. They don't change. They just change how they keep you in line.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 04/03/2016 10:51

You'd be crazy to stay with him. Really.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 10:55

sorry you went through that goingtobeawesome - are you in a good relationship now?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/03/2016 10:57

of course he is nice most of the time, and im sure he wouldnt believe that he is abusive. None of them really want to believe that.

You dont even have to tell him hes abusive. You just have to not go back for more. You deserve better.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 10:59

Do other peoples arguments escalate to the point of screaming at each other? I've convinced myself that this is normal, and we just have passion and we speak our minds.

but ive never been in a relationship like this.

I keep replaying last week in my head. him pouring with blood from punching the light, and me crying my eyes out.

what a mess.

anyway, thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the comments. each and every one of them.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 11:03

"Do other peoples arguments escalate to the point of screaming at each other?"
No. Read the thread I linked to in my first post. You could also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can read some of it in this thread.

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