I wish I hadn't told them

[Toomuchinfo1]

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

Please don't go back.

That is just chilling.

The controlled & thought out way he did it.

Toomuch your mum is clearly seeing a side to him that neither your mum would ever want to see in a bf so she is worried about you.

Now I wonder why you are upset of having shared that information. Is it really because you don't want to upset or is it because it's telling you you should really acknowledge your mum pov and that there is a lot things that are right in what she is saying, things you don't really want to hear?

If you were stopping to share info with yur mum, would it because you want to protect her or would it because you want to protect your bf and not hear he has been awful (in the example you gace, he HAS been awful)? Has your bf ever tried to stop your from talking to her (eg told you you shouldn't be telling her that sort of things maybe)? Would it be because yoou want to carry on hoping the relationship is salvageable when you know your mum will tell you the opposite and you just don't want to hear it?

I think you should listen to your mom OP. Don't go back

As a mother this is one of my biggest nightmares for my DDs

Please get the hell away from him. Your mother is devastated because she loves you so much, and your vision is very blurred at present. There are millions of lovely men in the world who cherish their partners. You should be with one of them.

Why the fuck are you going back?

You think it's going to turn out any different this time? No wonder your mum is pissed off - she's got the life experience, she's been it, seen it, she knows it and that's why she's so upset right now and who can blame her?

You've got your thinking all arse about face. You 'regret' telling and involving your mother but you don't seem to 'regret' the fact that you are going back to a doomed relationship an abusive, destructive arsehole.

you were right to tell your mum. If she didnt know then youd be even more isolated

So you are in a violent relationship and you wish you hadn't told your mum so you can pretend it never happened

OK. That should end well

I haven't been in an abusive relationship but if my daughter (similar age to you, I imagine) told me that had happened to her, I would do everything in my power to keep her away from him. You will do the same in the same situation, if you have a child.

This man didn't even lash out. There was time between his thought of what he'd do and his action. You realise that makes it worse, don't you?

Please consider what will happen if you stay with this man. Your mum is a living example of someone who got away. Do you want to be the one that didn't get away?

That sounds really scary. And the epitome of everything I wouldn't want for my own DD. If I was your mum I would be worried too.

Toomuchinfo1 So this man shouts at you and in fact you both do then he gets out and punches a headlight and smashes it?.

Well please let us know where your both likely to be driving and don't give any more credence to the notion that women like men who treat them rough.

Never mind what your mum may or may not think!, the hills are over there and you should be running as fast as you can!

i strongly suspect that he OP won't be back

Your mum is rightly thinking, today a headlamp, next your face.

Too, as a mum whose daughter went through a similar set of circumstsnces, I urge you to stop, turn and go back to your mum's.
It only escalates as others have posted too many times to recall. My Dd's ex ended up trying to kill her.

Next time it might be your lights he punches out. As in you - not your headlamp.

Stay away.

Listen to your poor desperate mother

Thanks for your messages.

Im on my phone now, rather than my work comp, so not as easy to respond to the questions, but Cadbury, when we spoke about what happened he said that everything had got on top of him & the argument was the final straw & he lost it. He has apologised lots, but I know that doesn't mean a lot.

I do think you are all speaking the truth, which is why its hard to read, I guess the truth does hurt.

I think its hard for me to accept that its an abusive relationship, because things are good for so much of the time, but the arguments are getting more frequent, and I definitely dont feel very happy.

What will you do when he punches your lights out? What will you do when he punches your DM lights out? This can happen don't be fooled. Once these types think they have control no-one is safe, not your mum or your kids should you have any. You have made the move to go back to your DM house. Stick with it. You are safe there. Your poor DM must be up the walls and over the ceiling with the worry. What are you going to do if your DM gets over stressed with the worry of all this and is not there next time or after many years of this kind of thing your DM gives up on you. That happens too according to what Womens' Aid say. I was told that they often get women whose families are done in coping with the stress of having a loved daughter/sister/mother in an abusive relationship. These types (cant call them men and I do acknowledge that it can be women as the abuser) are abusing the whole family and anyone who puts up with it are aiding and abetting the abuser.
Trying to give you facts rather than scare you but in a way I hope it does scare you

1% of abusive behaviour is 1% too much

It is clearly escalating and you know it.

And you went back...why ? Because he said sorry ?

Your mother will tell you this, if you give her the respect of listening to someone who has been there.

Don't go back to him. You really don't want to spend your life with someone who has that kind of temper. Because one day it won't be the headlight that gets punched. And the longer abusive relationships go on, the more dangerous they become and the harder they are to escape from.

You shouldn't be wishing you hadn't confided in your DM, you should be glad you did. It was a healthy thing to do. Why go back?!

If you go back, he now knows that you won't leave over him damaging inanimate objects.

So next time, whether consciously or not, he'll know he can push it that bit further.

No. Just no. Don't 'give him one more chance'.

My mum has started getting harsh with her words, which I understand. She said that if I keep going back then to not tell her when things go wrong, as she cant handle it. She also told me to have more respect for myself.

Feeling very selfish & pretty gutted that i've made my lovely mum feel like that

She is right.

But remember this: she will always welcome you back if you get rid of him for good

Is one man worth this ?

She also told me to have more respect for myself.

Yep, shes got that bit right now take notice of it!.

Really sorry to hear you are going through this Toomuch. I would suggest contacting women's aid/ refuge for some confidential and independent support 0808 2000 247 24 hrs to discuss your options and feelings

Here is some information which might sound familiar to you...
Is it abuse
Domestic violence is the term used to refer to acts of violence committed by intimate partners against each other. It includes:

Inflicting physical injury on a victim by other than accidental means
Attempting to inflict physical injury on a victim by other than accidental means
Placing a victim in fear of physical harm
Physical restraint
Malicious damage to the personal property of the victim
Pre-battering violence includes verbal abuse, hitting objects, throwing objects, breaking objects, and making threats. When abusers hit or break objects or make threats, almost 100% resort to battering

Beginning levels of violence: pushing, grabbing, restraining.

Moderate levels of violence : slapping, pinching, kicking, pulling out clumps of hair.

Severe levels of violence : choking, beating with objects (sticks, ball bats, bed slats, etc...), use of weapons, and rape. One in three women in a battering relationship are raped.