I wish I hadn't told them

[Toomuchinfo1]

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

Hi everyone . . I just wanted to give an update on this, mainly to say thank-you.

After everything that happened in that awful, aggressive argument, it was like someone removed the feelings I had for my BF. Don't get me wrong, I still find things hard - I miss the nice bits, and I'm living back at Mums (in my 30's - no one wants to do that)!

I also still struggle, thinking that he is bad mouthing me - I know that's stupid, but it just bothers me.

But in the main . . .I realised that he needed me more than I needed him. I truly believe that he will have relationships that last around 2 years each. just enough time for him to hide the real him for a bit, followed by it slowly creeping out, ending with an almighty bang! (in my case - smashing my car up).

I'm going to be single for a bit, and look after myself.

So Im really just saying that it can be done . . .you can leave . .and things get better (in my case, pretty quickly)! . .so THANK-YOU for all the words of support.

oh and PS . . . .he never did give me any money towards the damages on my car!

I'm late to the thread but well done you. I'm a little older than you and had a similar relationship. I lived with him for 3 long, miserable years. He constantly put me down, blamed me for anything, expected me to wait on him hand and foot... I thought because he didn't hit me, I just had to try harder.
When I finally cracked and left, it was like a weight had been lifted. I was scared, of course - of losing mutual friends, of having to live with my mum again, etc.
Within two months I met the love of my life. Everyone in my family adores him. He is my rock, he is kind and generous and loving and supportive and we never argue. And there is plenty of passion there!! We are married with two children and 10 years down the line as happy as ever. And it was the last thing I expected.

You do not need this man. He will never make you happy. So you have to live with your mum til you get back on your feet - that can be a great thing :) and you never know what's around the corner. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever did. Stay strong.

siani . . .thank-you so much for your post. I have good days and bad days, but I'm learning to cope with the bad days.

the advice and support on MN has been amazing, and really helped me see my relationship for what it was . . .crap!

I hope I do meet someone nice in the future, as I would love to get married and have children at some point.

and yes - I do still feel upset about our mutual friends and also his family. god knows what he has told them. but I guess it doesn't matter. I know the truth and so do the people that really matter.

mums isn't so bad. im getting used to it. I just need an end goal and a date to work towards for moving out and starting a fresh.

thanks again xxx

I also still struggle, thinking that he is bad mouthing me - I know that's stupid, but it just bothers me.

I know what you mean. I became another psycho Ex in a long line of them after my abusive relationship ended. And he did a good job of painting me to be crazy to everyone I could think of. And it was quite plausible because by that stage my self esteem was in shatters, I was jumpy and anxious, miserable and confused.

I took a year out of dates of any sort, and focused on counselling. Initially with WA, then privately myself. I focused on trying to get my head around the whole mind-fuck. (lundy book is an excellent way to start that)

When I was ready, I dated a bit, and by that stage had a nose like a bloodhound for abusive red flags. I met someone I used to work with before, and we clicked again. We are coming up on 13 years together and its got HEAPS of passion.

Orrla, that's so good to hear.

Over the years, I had convinced myself that you cant have passion without the awful arguments. silly now that I look back.

I know I will be the Crazy Ex girlfriend. I can hear him saying it right now. but I have to just keep thinking to myself that the people who care about me know the truth, and I think that those close to him, deep down, will possibly start to figure out that its not just a coincidence that he ends up with these 'crazy, depressed, mental, women'

no dating for me just yet though. I would ideally like to be moved out of mums before I start even thinking about it. xxx

Toomuch, I've just read the thread and was hoping with each post that you would stay at your mums.

You have done exactly the right thing. Can I just say well done for recognising that you needed to end it.

Good luck with the future, you deserve a happy and healthy relationship (ps, you can have passion without the anger).

Maybe you could look into the Freedom Programme meanwhile, OP. I certainly wish the Freedom Programme had been around when I was young. I had one abusive boyfriend, the father of my dd, and that put me off dating for life, because I didn't ever want to get into another relationship like that but did not know how to avoid it.

Thanks Atenco, I'll take a look at the Freedom Programme.

I'm saving a little bit of money by living at mums for a little while, so I'm looking into classes I can join.

kick boxing being a firm favourite at the moment!

Thanks for the update, I'm so glad to hear that you feel you made the right decision (you so did!) and that you plan to stay single and look after yourself for a while. Onwards and upwards!

You are very likely to be correct aebut the 2years for each relationship.In my experience you start to know someone by 2 years, you've had a few highs and lows to figure how they are likely to be going forwards.

You have done so well.You can definitely have passion in a non volatile relationship.I think ending this relationship will have made you stronger.

I feel stronger already. I haven't (yet) had an urge to get in contact or anything.

I've written down all the bad things about the relationship for when I have a weak moment.

Has anyone met someone new at 32, and gone on to have marriage, kids etc? I think I just pictured myself settled by now, and I get worried that I've now wasted too much time and left it too late.

Well done you.

I met dh when I was mid thirties - you'll be grand ;)

Thanks skiptonlass

I met the OH at 31, had our first baby when I was 37, engaged shortly after that.

Asshole ex was fond of telling me that I was too old to move on to have marriage and kids with anyone else, but like all the shite he sprouted, it was all bollocks. I'm the one planning the wedding and have an amazing little family, he's the single one with a 20 year history of short-lived failed relationships.

Aprille, that's lovely to hear. I'm glad you have found happiness and have a little family.

xxx