I wish I hadn't told them

[Toomuchinfo1]

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

If you had just married him I'd assume you were my xh's new wife.

I'm the crazy ex :)

Except I'm not crazy. I'm nice. More importantly I'm not scared anymore. I'm in a normal relationship with a normal man, and I can't believe I ever thought that xh was normal.

But I did. For a long time.

It's actually quite uncanny, all the things you've said. It gets worse. It never gets better.

It's not that he's mostly nice, and then there's this tiny nasty side, you can't be nice if that's a part of you.

The gap between incidents will get shorter. The bad bits will get longer.

And you'll spend all your time trying to turn yourself inside out, to be the person that doesn't bring out the nasty side.

You deserve better. Good men don't have a nasty side. Not like that.

You haven't failed in this relationship. He has. He let you down. You've done all you can. Please leave and find someone nice.

I have one question for you OP that I really want you to ask yourself - Is this how you want your life to be?

By that I mean your current relationship, as it is.
He is showing you the future of your relationship through his behaviour.

I know I sound like the typical woman in denial, but I just dont get how someone can be so lovely & kind, but then have this other side.
The good can never make up for the bad when the bad is unacceptable.
Aggressive behaviour and an inability to control him reactions are unacceptable. There is no getting away from that.

No it's not normal to scream at each other. Yes couples argue, they even shout at each other, but when you get to the point of screaming, control has been lost. Couples need to be able to disagree without insulting, screaming, scaring or hurting each other.

I'm married, he'd never hit me. But that's irrelevant really.

It definitely got to a dangerous level last week. I knew it at the time and even more so when I think back.

I can't believe I let him turn it around to it being all my fault, and I was the one apologising.

I know for a fact that I will be the crazy ex. but surely his friends and family will see a pattern, and will know that its his fault too?

Does it matter what they think?

No it doesn't, you are right. I'm just thinking out loud. He is the perfect person around his family, they think he is amazing, but surely if the same story comes out after every break up, they must know deep down that its not what it seems.

it doesn't matter at all what they think of me I guess x

Sealsong - No, it's not what I want my life to be. I want marriage and children - but not like this.

xxx

Yep, I apologised to the first guy who hit me too. I think I was hoping he'd say sorry too. He didn't. He did get pissed off that I fixed myself a live in job without telling him though.

You'd be amazed what friends and family will overlook for the sake of the status quo.

When I broke down and told one of our mutual friends about the rape. They were utterly sympathetic and lovely, but then told me that they would still be friends with him because they based their friendships on how people treated them personally.

I was there when he actually told his mother some of the things he had done to me. He told her. She told him that he was wrong and that he'd never do that, he was just depressed. She will say black is white for him. If I hadn't seen it, I would never have believed it.

The fact that he turned things around shows he has no intention of changing. He's not sorry.

His family and friends will probably continue to support him, it's very common. Enabling, really.

But I know that in your shoes I'd rather be seen as 'His crazy ex Number 6 - yes they're all crazy, we don't know why he has such bad luck...' than be the one who wins a smidgen of approval for being the one who stays, and have them discreetly look away from bruises over the years, telling themselves you must have done 'something' to make him do that...

youknownothing . . .im sorry you've been through that. xxxxx

yeh, he did a good job of turning things around. shouting 'ive done NOTHING wrong', this is ALL your doing' . .whilst waving around his cut hand.

Clarence - that's what I keep thinking. I think they actually think he is such a nice person, that he takes on these broken women and tries to help them.

I would never say anything to them, I think I should leave with a bit of dignity and not speak to them again.

Thank you, toomuch :)

It seems a long time ago now. A different world. You're still in the early days. It's usually around 2 years that the mask starts to slip.

I've never been afraid of the man I'm with now. If we disagree, we discuss things. Sometimes one of us will even get annoyed, but we don't shout at each other, he's never aggressive, and it's such a rare occurrence.

My xh's actions only really started getting bad after about 4 years or so. They steadily went downhill, but only slightly worse and slightly more regularly each time.

Don't listen to him. He did a lot wrong. His violent actions were entirely his doing.

The only right amount of violence and screaming in a relationship is none. There's no excuse for any. It should be zero. More than that is a dysfunctional relationship that is going to end up in a bad place.

It took me five years from first realising things were bad, to finally leaving. Five long, painful years. It was a waste of my time.

I'm making up for it now though :) life is good. Love is good. I regret staying for as long as I did. I don't judge people for not leaving straight away (how could I?!), but I hope you find a way to leave.

He doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be with someone who cares about your feelings. Your feelings are important.

youknownothing - thank-you for your post.

(I don't mean to keep going on about his ex . .but . . ) they were together for 3 years. im guessing the first year was good, 2nd year was bad, and 3rd year was terrible.

I've never screamed at a partner, and im not particularly fiery or argumentative. but when backed into a corner (so to speak) I will shout back.

someone a while ago on this thread asked how we met . . I've actually known him since school. had a few encounters when we were younger, then got together properly 2 years ago.

It does sound like he has a pattern. It's fine in the honeymoon period, but then as things get closer to "normal" he lets his mask slip.

I normally lurk these days. I don't post much anymore. But there was something about your particular post that sounded so familiar to me.

I wish someone could have told me to walk away. Unfortunately my family are of the "you made your bed, you lie in it" school of thought. Although after I left they all told me how they didn't like him and saw how unhappy he made me.

I've got lots of passion in my relationship OP, we've been together a long time and nope we don't ever shout and scream and he has NEVER put me in a state of fear and anxiety.

Nobody is going to give you the green light to return but I suspect you will anyway.

Oh god yes, don't assume there's no passion in a relationship with no fighting

In fact I think you have more energy for the right sort of passion :o

I think I've been a bit blinkered. I was in a very boring, long term relationship before this. hardly any sex, not even one disagreement, no opinions - just very very flat.

sex hasn't ever been an issue with this one, and I guess ive been thinking that to have good sex/passion etc, then you have to take the rough with the smooth and put up with the arguments.

Not saying we haven't had our arguments but you are with a man who has no control of his physicality and has no regret about putting you in a state of fear, neither has anything to do with passion.

Jan - you are right, it wasn't passion, it was pure anger.

I have managed to get over other arguments pretty quickly, but this one has really stuck with me. maybe because I have to look at a broken headlight when I get in my car - a constant reminder of being parked in a layby with an out of control boyfriend.

He blocked your escape, too. That's pretty chilling, when you reflect that he might have attacked you that way, and not the car. The violence is scary enough, but the fact he was thinking in terms of how to exert total control over you while executing it is... not good, is it?

He's lucky you've not gone to the police. This is criminal damage, and his hand is evidence it was him, too.

Shouting at each other in the heat of the moment is fairly normal, punching out headlights IS NOT - Listen to your mother!!

I know its not normal. I think that's why I told people. hearing myself say it out loud made me realise how bad it was.

I have a good sex life with my H, plenty of the right sort of passion.

He has not ever behaved like this man, not even close. I feel safe, but more importantly our children feel safe in themselves and in our relationship

If you want children, don't ever subject them to a father like this