Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't told them

165 replies

Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 16:36

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 19:36

I know that he had a very turbulent relationship before me, but has always blamed the fact that she had depression. Im now thinking that its just the way he is.

He did say afterwards that he can't go back to that type of relationship, & he never wants to be in that sitiation again. He definitely still blames a lot of that argument/ending on me. At the time I just took it & got very upset, even apologised & begged him to not go out that night, but I can now see things a lot clearer, & him punching my car was never my fault.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/03/2016 19:39

No wonder she was depressed if he was behaving like that! I bet she wasn't depressed when she met him.

FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 19:41

She also told me to have more respect for myself.

Listen to your mum, she's so right.
Don't be one of those people who go back and forth while making a mess of your life with someone when everyone else can see it.

nephrofox · 03/03/2016 19:44

I'm willing to bet his previous relationship was abusive too. And that his previous girlfriend was a lot more depressed IN the relationship than when she sensibly got OUT of it.

Follow her lead, stay away from him. The problem is him, not you. Take your mums advice and stay with her, she has your best interests at heart

SanityClause · 03/03/2016 19:48

Ah, the Psycho Ex!

Amazing how abusive pricks all seem to have one of those.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 19:55

ah, yes...the crazy psycho ex

textbook

her story will probably be very different

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 19:56

have you been feeling a bit down recently, a bit not quite yourself ?

a bit more argumentative, a bit out of balance ?

yep, that's you that is

the next crazy psycho ex

have a word with yourself

Fontella · 03/03/2016 20:12

You still haven't told us why you are choosing to return to this abusive prick?

sleeponeday · 03/03/2016 20:14

She will have been depressed, yes. Being in abusive relationships does that to someone.

He did what he did to you because he felt entitled to. He felt entitled to order you to stop the car, to take the keys so you couldn't escape him, and to smash your car up. Your return to him is only going to reinforce that he is entitled, because you've shown him you agree he is entitled to behave that way when you annoy him, by staying with him after he has.

Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called Why Does He Do That? I think you need to read it.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 20:20

Do you think its calculated behavior? As I think he would be mortified if I accused him of being an abuser xxx

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 03/03/2016 20:25

After years watching my emotionally abusive relationship from the sidelines my dad said, after I'd left yet again, I don't think you should go back. I did. My dad was the one who literally came and rescued me some years later. I never went back after that.

I wish I'd told them everything sooner. I wish they'd gone on and on at me and made me see sense. I regret every minute they must have spent worrying over me.

Oh, and my ex kicked a panel in the back door in at the end. He was upset and frustrated apparently. We agreed a story to cover it up. When I told my mum she just looked at me in despair, I then told her the truth.

If you were my daughter I'd be doing exactly as your mum is. She loves and cares for you. He doesn't.

Wake up and see this man for what he is. That'll be complete crap about his ex. He's argumentative, violent and nasty. It'll just get worse.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 20:25

so what ?

pretty much the definition of an abuser is they will never admit to it

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 20:26

what is so good about him ?

LobsterQuadrille · 03/03/2016 20:32

Why don't you think that you are deserving of more than the behaviour of this man? That's not a criticism - I was in a dark place for three years with someone very abusive and was ground down more and more - but kept going back. I so wish I'd realised earlier how he was able to twist everything, and had read Lundy Bancroft's book. Oh, and had believed everyone on here.

HortonWho · 03/03/2016 20:32

The thing is, if he got out of the car raging and hit the nearest thing like a tree or a headlight - you could argue he lost control of his temper.

But HE TOOK THE KEYS OUT FIRST, which was so fucking calculating because it left you trapped and scared shitless!

nicenewdusters · 03/03/2016 20:33

Whether he planned it in advance or not, what does it matter ? He still behaved as he did. If it was planned then he's a psycho, if it was him flying off the handle out of control, ditto. Different reason, same outcome.

Of course he'd be mortified if you accused him of being an abuser. He thinks he can do as he likes, treat you as he sees fit, so how dare you accuse him of anything ? I actually doubt he would be mortified, he'd probably just punch the nearest thing, which might be you.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 20:48

Yup, he would be so "upset" he'd have to punch something I expect

MistressDeeCee · 03/03/2016 20:58

I know that he had a very turbulent relationship before me, but has always blamed the fact that she had depression

OP - Don't you know "The Script" when you hear it? The ex woman ALWAYS has an issue that caused a messed up relationship. When he moves on to his next relationship YOU will be the depressed ex, the crazy ex, the cause of all the relationship problems, the bitch etc. The Script never changes. However - you are on the receiving end of his moods and crazy making, argument inducing behaviour aren't you? So you know the fault lies with him.

Im vaguely wondering how you met..was it a rebound from his last relationship and you were the sympathetic listening ear for his previous relationship woes, as part of the "courtship?"

Can you think of it this way - do you want an argumentative, turbulent, disrespectful, overwrought relationship for the rest of your life? Is 1 man really worth all this? Don't you want peace? Do find a way to disingage, do whatever you have to if it means finding yourself again, taking up new hobbies, social life, exercise, self help methods, counselling etc just do it all. Work on you, make yourself your No.1 priority.

You are in a toxic relationship and in the end you won't even get the "prize" that you perhaps think he is. You won't last, your relationship is too damaged, and damaging.

jaxxyj · 03/03/2016 20:59

The thing is you can't be thinking about him, you need to be thinking about yourself. If you honestly believe things got to a head and this will be the last of it you could try building the relationship trust back without living there. It is unlikely though. You will be confused and scared to take the risk but as others have said the best and bravest thing to do is stay at your mum's. If you are going back, make a plan about what you will do things get worse. I wish you all the best!

Thisismyfirsttime · 03/03/2016 21:00

Atenco this brought tears to my eyes 'if you loved yourself half as much as your mother loved you you'd never go back to this man'
Listen to this OP.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 22:37

That brought tears to my eyes too. I feel sad, & scared & confused. Thank you for your comments. Im back at mums. Shes on a night shift so im sat reading the things you have all suggested. It just feels like such a mess at the moment xxxx

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 03/03/2016 22:48

Please stay locked up at your mum's house. I hope he does not know your DM shift pattern. Do not tell him anything and stay well away from him. I think I am correct in saying that not one person has said you should go back to this man. Stay safe and good luck

NameChange30 · 03/03/2016 22:54

Your mum is right.

You need to read this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/03/2016 23:16

Your mum is right.

But of course you can only leave when you are ready.

Please listen to that voice inside yourself telling you that his behaviour towards you is not right. You don't deserve this, OP. You didn't cause it, and you can't change him. He's the only person in control of his own behaviour, and he chooses to do this.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 23:17

I know I sound like the typical woman in denial, but I just dont get how someone can be so lovely & kind, but then have this other side. I have mutual friends with his ex, & ive been so tempted to try and pry into what happened, but as time goes by im just thinking whats the point? I know the answer already

OP posts: