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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't told them

165 replies

Toomuchinfo1 · 03/03/2016 16:36

Hi everyone, I have been reading lots of thread recently and I'm hoping that someone has been in my situation and can give me some advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (known him a lot longer). We have had some really intense arguments recently, and I've been wondering if we are meant for each other.

I've shared my thoughts with friends in the past, and spoken to them when I've been upset and they have been great.

Last week, we had our biggest row yet. It was absolutely awful. I had my part to play, but I saw a side to him that I hadn't seen before.

I rang my mum. And this is the bit I regret, as it has really upset her and she is very very angry with him. to the point that I don't know if things can go back to normal. My mum has been in an abusive relationship and I think she sees similarities.

Anyway, I have stayed at mums this week, but I told her this morning that I'm going back tonight. She is really upset and can't understand why I would spend another day with the wrong person. I just feel so bad for involving her and upsetting her.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking/hoping for, but needed to vent.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 04/03/2016 15:24

It sounds like you swapped one mis-matched relationship for another. You really don't have to compromise at all.

I used to think you had to. I used to think all relationships were work. I used to think that if someone was clever and funny, then that was enough, and you could brush other things under the carpet.

I was wrong. I am now with someone who is funny and clever and kind and thoughtful, and still makes me weak at the knees.

Whilst sometimes you do have to work on a relationship (because you're both busy, or dcs are small, or life events happen), the relationship itself shouldn't be effort. In fact it should be the thing that makes life easier.

Don't compromise on that. That's a fundamental.

NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 15:28

Good advice, YouKnowNothing. Wise words.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 15:29

I guess I have kind of been thinking that you either settle for boring, or you put up with turbulent.

you would think I would know better by 32 years old - its not like im a teenager!

oh well, im definitely learning now.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 04/03/2016 15:35

Oh god no! Don't settle. Don't make do. Decide what the most important attributes are for you.

For me it's kind, funny, and attractive (to me!) with a similar sex drive.

Those are basic things we need to be compatible on. It's not much to ask. It's really not. You're young. You have time. This man would be a terrible role model for children.

So many of my friends didn't settle down and have dcs until their mid to late 30s.

Don't settle now. Don't waste more time Flowers

AnotherEmma, I just wish I'd not been such a slow learner! :o

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 15:40

thank-you.

I think the important attributes for me are, honest, funny and similar sex drive :)

xxx

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 15:41

YouKnowNothing Slow and steady wins the race Smile

OP Sounds like a good list to me! You deserve all that and more.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 04/03/2016 15:48

Ooh yes! Honesty is definitely in there too :)

Mutual respect too.

It's not unrealistic to want these things. Most people are nice. There are lovely men out there. There are also prats who don't deserve our time.

I used to see it a bit like a fruit machine, I think I'd put in so much money (time and effort), that I was sure that I'd be due a pay out soon (for him to always be nice). So I kept on investing more and more into a relationship that was never going to pay out. But the more I put in, the harder it was to walk away because it had to pay out. I needed my investment back!

Walking away was hard. But not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. It was amazing how quickly I found my energy again, once I didn't have the drain of a turbulent relationship going on.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 15:51

Honesty has got to be up there. I can't stand being lied to, it's the worst feeling in the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 15:53

Youknownothing . . .I am beginning to see things like that. I know things will be tough for a bit, but I do see light at the end of the tunnel. the burden of the relationship is still on my shoulders at the moment, but I CAN see a point when it wont be anymore, it's just up to me to do it.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 04/03/2016 15:58

And you can :) and it will be better. You have Real life support. You know right from wrong. Don't listen to his words, look at his actions. It's all there.

You can do this Flowers

You don't need me to tell you that :o you know you deserve more.

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 16:13

he has been in touch over text today. I've told him that I'm out with friends tonight and then I have plans with my mum for the weekend.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 04/03/2016 16:18

Do you want kids at some stage, OP?

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 16:21

Yes, I do. x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 16:45

Are you still in a relationship with him ?

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 16:49

He is expecting me to go back and talk. I've told him that I will only be going back to get my stuff, but I'm not feeling ready to do that. I think I need to take the advice of someone on this thread and go there when I know he is out.

I've got enough stuff at my mums house to last me a few more days.

I don't feel scared, but I just think its best that don't see him.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2016 16:50

I agree with that. Go back to get your stuff when he's not there.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 04/03/2016 16:56

Sounds wise to me. You don't need to be told how wrong you were again.

Although I suspect that now you're less willing to respond to his demands, he'll go on the charm offensive next.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend. You're doing brilliantly.

Joysmum · 04/03/2016 16:57

Go with somebody else when he's not there.

Title of the thread I wish I hadn't told them Now becomes..'Bloody Good Job I Told My Mum and Shared on Mumsnet!'

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 16:59

Very true Joysmum xxxx

I'm so glad I posted hee. I really feel like it has given me perspective, truth, and strength.

Thank-you everyone xxx

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/03/2016 17:47

Good for you Toonuch as you instinctively did the right thing in sharing. It's not easy or nice to come to the realisations you have so quickly. Prepare for the rollercoaster of highs and lows.

Ive always found it useful in my 'highs' to think about what I need to hear and how I'd need to worded in my lows. You're best placed to know what you need so be there for yourself by wring yourself a letter (or similar) of what you'll need to hear then. Address the doubts you may have then and counter them.

You're best placed in your highs to give yourself advice when you've hit a low. Wink

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 04/03/2016 20:48

Thank you, thats really good advice xxx

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 06/03/2016 19:34

My DD was in a relationship where she tolerated behaviour that she knew was wrong, because she loved him and thought he would change. It nearly broke our relationship, but more importantly, it nearly broke her.

She did see the light, and after several months of trauma and upset, has now met someone who treats her properly, and is very happy.

Please understand that you are worth so much more - and your Mum knows that more than anyone.

xx

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 07/03/2016 09:23

ajandjjmum . .thank-you for your post.

I have actually started telling a few different people about what has been happening. I think it helps to see their reactions, as it becomes so normal when im in the situation, like I kind of expect people to say 'oh yeh, me and my bloke argue like that too' . . but they don't say that. they look shocked and tell me that I deserve better.

I can see why it would effect your relationship with your daughter, as I can see that happening with my mum, which is an awful feeling, so im determined to not let it happen. She is my best friend, and I will not let anyone change that.

xxxx

OP posts:
Atenco · 07/03/2016 14:09

Your mother should be proud of you!

Original poster
Toomuchinfo1 · 07/03/2016 14:19

that's a nice thing to say Atenco.

I'm getting there. xxxx

OP posts: