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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love my wife, but her ex-boyfriend also loves my wife too

197 replies

mark5690 · 03/03/2016 11:29

My wife separated from her ex-boyfriend about 15 years ago, but he still loves her. He has had two significant girlfriends since then, but he seems unable to marry and move on with his life. He makes it clear to my wife that she is the one for him.
My wife tells me she does not love him but has deep "caring" feelings for him. She meets him every 6 months or so to make sure he’s ok and happy. Recently she made a dinner for him at his home.
I've let my wife know I feel uncomfortable with the situation, but I don’t try to prevent them contacting each other because i believe it won’t work. At least now my wife tells me what’s happening and it’s all above board. Often I feel insecure that they will eventually end up together.
Anybody know what I should do? He’s got a new girlfriend now who wants kids with him. Imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out he prefers my wife!
I have 3 young kids with my wife.
Ta M

OP posts:
Whendoigetadayoff · 12/03/2016 20:50

So I've missed something - how is relationship between the (nightmare) wife and the ex definitely not platonic?

Mark ultimatum time for your wife if really not platonic.

I see / have contact with exes inc my teenage boyfriend. All have met current partners of time and I've met their partners. We see each other on own but if I had party and invited I'd want - expect - them to bring partners. Will happily read a text or whatever out loud.
The one ex I did contact behind the boyfriend of times back (younger years of in 20s not with anyone serious) was the one I really wanted back - sorry.

middleeasternpromise · 12/03/2016 20:52

I think you have your answers, you chose to live with this relationship in the background, you chose not to challenge it and your wife is letting you know it's part of what makes her relationship work with you. She sounds very conceited if you ask me but thats an aside. You have however opened Pandoras box and you can't go back to how it was. I think others have fairly accurately summed up your options. I Wouldn't bother with locating a platonic friend unless you really have a back up girl you just had too much respect to do this sort of thing to. Let mumsnet be your go to friend you will get more sound advice. For what it's worth you have to realise it's pointless competing with her ex as she has turned that into a fantasy relationship all the good stuff and none of the real life. Meet him by yourself and tell him what you think as you don't control her neither can she control you. It's your choice if you stay for the kids nothing wrong with that just not what you bargain for when planning out your life. It's not a great situ but it is what it is.

KatieKaboom · 12/03/2016 21:02

She isn't 95% yours.

You're just the berk she shares the bills and childcare with.

Would you want your kids to be in a marriage like this - lost, unloved and afraid of their spouse, who treated them with such naked contempt?

Ladyhedwig85 · 12/03/2016 21:50

I think you should get a girlfriend yourself OP

PregnantAndEngaged · 13/03/2016 09:31

Mark, it's not a weird 6 month hybrid relationship. It's an emotional affair plain and simple. To be honest, I think she is still in love with him even though she hasn't said as much. And she's clearly obsessed with keeping some fantasy (or perhaps it isn't fantasy.. you haven't met the guy and can only go with her word on how he feels about her) relationship going with an ex from many moons ago rather than focusing on the relationship she has with you.

PregnantAndEngaged · 13/03/2016 09:33

And what concerns me is her lack of compassion for you. Any normal person would see that harboring feelings for an ex while you are married is not normal behaviour.

Belikethat · 13/03/2016 09:35

I don't understand why you are still asking, 'anybody please any ideas?' when you have 7 pages of advice mostly saying the same thing. I think you are looking for an answer that doesn't exist.

FrancesNiadova · 13/03/2016 10:09

If you were a woman, I'd be telling you to:
Get the dc' s passports,
Get all financial documents,
Get mortgage documents,
Get your marriage certificate,
Get evidence, (even photos) of anything you've done to the house to add value.
Why?
Because that's what you advise women to do who are in abusive relationships. And that's what you're in.
Are you 100% sure that she's not sleeping with this bloke who's also seeing other women? If you're not, get yourself an STI check to protect your own sexual health. Use condoms to protect yourself in future although you could be shutting the barn door after the horse has bolted on this one
Is this a healthy relationship to be modelling to your dcs?
I would see a solicitor about the likelihood of you getting custody, get the documents ready & have an exit strategy planned for getting you and your dcs out of this abusive relationship.
Have it ready, as plan B.

Ladyhedwig85 · 13/03/2016 10:19

Frances; Why is it an abusive relationship if your wife likes/loves more than one person because years of religious suppression of women (marriage) says so?

FrancesNiadova · 13/03/2016 10:22

Mark does she describe your family time as, "low quality?" Angry

FrancesNiadova · 13/03/2016 10:31

I think that it's an abusive relationship because she's emotionally abusing him.
Op says that he feels unreasonable and that his core beliefs are out of line because he feels uneasy about the emotional affair (at least) that his wife is having. Op says that he's only had his uneasiness confirmed as it's not him being unreasonable, on here.
The wife here is controlling the op in an EA way and I think that he needs to start planning an escape route, just like a woman who's husband was having an emotional affair, (possibly more), with another woman & leaving the wife at home with the dc, & making her feel insecure and irrational for daring to question him.

Ladyhedwig85 · 13/03/2016 11:36

Frances : Yes because it would be awful if someone was human and actually had feelings for someone else other than one person In the whole world, as that never happens does it, it might mean we are human which would be terrible of course as it doesn't tick society's little boxes? HmmWink

TheSinkingFeeling · 13/03/2016 11:54

If you carry on with this poor excuse of a relationship, it will end up destroying you. It will also teach your children all kinds of awful things about relationships

PregnantAndEngaged · 13/03/2016 13:53

I think Frances has a point to be honest. It's not a simple case that this woman has feelings for someone outside of marriage. It's that she shows no compassion to his feelings, the fact she says she will not stop seeing this guy whether he likes it or not, even though she knows he's uncomfortable with it.

If the OP was a woman and her husband was doing this, I think more posters would be jumping on this as an abusive relationship. But because the OP is a man they are just accusing him of being walked over and weak. But emotional abuse does happen by women to men too!

Offred · 13/03/2016 14:53

Absolutely agree with Frances no question about it...

Offred · 13/03/2016 14:55

Human beings who have feelings for someone and choose to lie, marry and create a family with someone else all the while continuing an affair with that person and telling the person they are married to they are crazy and unreasonable are abusive human beings...

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/03/2016 16:31

Would it be sensible to walk away from a marriage to a person you really love, but say she's 95% yours

I know MN is full on LTB posts. and I truly think her behaviours is cruel, disrespectful and actually fucking disgusting OP. you deserve better

she is blatantly cheating, and does not even allow you to be upset about it

I'd give her an ultimatum, and see a lawyer TBH to get some advice

time to do some research, be one step, scare the shit our of her as she clearly is taking you for someone that wont stand up to her

take care OP

SauvignonPlonker · 13/03/2016 17:26

I agree with others: get legal advice on separation. Have a plan B in place & then call her bluff. Tell her that you won't be disrespected & she is welcome to her "friend".

She is happy with the current situation, having her cake & eating it. She has all the power at the moment, and she knows it.

I don't see how your relationship can recover from this; the fact that she doesn't care for your feelings speaks volumes.

didofido · 13/03/2016 17:32

I really think you should take step to learn about this from the exb/f' s point if view. You only know what your wife tells you. Get in touch with him - and DON'T tell her in advance. It may be that SHE is pushing this and he would be happy not to see her. After all, he has other g/fs. Ask him, if he seems keen on your wife, would he be prepared to look after you dc part-time when you divorce. (You needn't mean to take this action - tho' I would)
She does seem to be something of a fantasist - "5 blokes are after me", this ex "thinks there is no other woman in world" like her.
Call him, or better still, call at his house. Puncture her conceit - learn the truth.

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/03/2016 18:06

It seems you have decided yourself that "this is a price worth paying"? Your feelings, you get to decide that, not her.

FrancesNiadova · 13/03/2016 19:29

How are you op?
My grannie always used to say,
"To thine own self be true."
FWIW, I don't think that your core values are wrong on this one.Flowers

roundaboutthetown · 13/03/2016 19:53

She sounds like a self-centred bitch who gets off on men seeking her attention. And she has you both just where she wants you.

roundaboutthetown · 13/03/2016 19:55

She also sounds like a bit of a fantasist and you're trying to puncture her balloon.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 13/03/2016 20:08

Imho, Mark, your wife is treating you as though you are invisible. That is emotional abuse. I hope that you can, at least, emotionally detach from her to spare your own mental health.

The logistics of staying might be the easy way forward. Although I must say that the Path of Least Resistance probably isn't the right answer here. Perhaps you could have an arrangement where the kids stay in the house and the parents do the coming and going? Pretending all is well for the children's sake is not going to fly, you know that, right? Youngsters will know things are not right, and very much feel the stress of that, even if they don't have the vocabulary to enunciate it.

Please don't be dismissive about the Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) advice here. Do get checked. And if I were you, if you are ever planning to have sex with your wife again (I wouldn't if I were you), I'd insist she get checked too... and every time after her visitations with not-so-ex bf.

Sorry your marriage turned into such a cluster-f*ck...and you didn't get your Happily Ever After with her. That is why you should leave. You won't ever get another chance at Happily Ever After as long as you are enmeshed with her.

MatrixReloaded · 14/03/2016 00:37

Hi Mark , it's a script. While it's heartbreaking and the end of the world to you , it's typical stupid shit that cheaters say and do. It's not unique or original.

The reason I said I would suggest option 3 is because if she wasn't bothered by you seeing other women your marriage truly is over. An outraged response would suggest she's still emotionally invested.

It's really sounding to me that your wife is deliberately using this ex as a stick to beat you with. Keep me happy or else.