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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love my wife, but her ex-boyfriend also loves my wife too

197 replies

mark5690 · 03/03/2016 11:29

My wife separated from her ex-boyfriend about 15 years ago, but he still loves her. He has had two significant girlfriends since then, but he seems unable to marry and move on with his life. He makes it clear to my wife that she is the one for him.
My wife tells me she does not love him but has deep "caring" feelings for him. She meets him every 6 months or so to make sure he’s ok and happy. Recently she made a dinner for him at his home.
I've let my wife know I feel uncomfortable with the situation, but I don’t try to prevent them contacting each other because i believe it won’t work. At least now my wife tells me what’s happening and it’s all above board. Often I feel insecure that they will eventually end up together.
Anybody know what I should do? He’s got a new girlfriend now who wants kids with him. Imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out he prefers my wife!
I have 3 young kids with my wife.
Ta M

OP posts:
StillYummy · 05/03/2016 19:39

Just saw the update, ignore me :)

MissBattleaxe · 05/03/2016 19:56

She told me she is never going to stop visiting the ex boyfriend. I've never asked her not to, because I know it won't work. I think these things go "undercover" if you try to ban it, or you will be the person who denied them of their friend and they will not forgive you. I don't know, maybe there is actually a way of doing it properly. She does however know I'm "uncomfortable" with it.

So sod how you feel. She's still going to see the loon who has named his dog after her forever and you can lump it.

I would feel very disrespected in your shoes.

supermum342 · 05/03/2016 19:59

i find that bang out of order why hasnt she stopped

Halftruth · 05/03/2016 20:23

Strange but if you feel comfortable with it . i hope she doesn't screw you over i really do . i'd be starting a just in case fund .good luck

TealLove · 05/03/2016 20:30

She sounds very selfish. she doesn't consuder your feelings at all does she? Where do her loyalties lie exactly?

1234HW · 05/03/2016 20:44

Great the two of you had a good chat.. Some thoughts from me.. For me this would only be acceptable if there was an opportunity to get to know the "boyfriend" and vice versa. A 3-way catch-up & coffee may be a bit awkward for a few minutes but that should pass soon...really. You are all grown-ups, not 16! And if it does not.. well that would be a bit strange. After all you are the husband... For you to become somewhat part of their friendship would be appropriate as welll as take away some of the perceived mystery/romance/nostalgia of when they are together. Basically there is a risk that currently you don't exist in their reality (of when they are together) and you should! It would only be normal for him,as a "normal" friend to be interested in her life incl. her husband.

Good luck!

Choceclair123 · 05/03/2016 22:06

I suspect she's said it would be awkward for the three of you to meet as she knows you wouldn't like how affectionate / intimate she is with her ex and they wouldn't be able to flirt with each other when you're there! She's being v disrespectful to you and your marriage but whatever works for you!

MatrixReloaded · 05/03/2016 23:08

It's not a case of banning someone from doing something , it's a case of insisting on respect. Insisting on respect doesn't make a person look weak.

I would divorce over this , I really would.

RiceCrispieTreats · 06/03/2016 00:35

It "wouldn't be appropriate" for the 3 of you to meet?

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, OP, you are being such a mug. Knowing she's pulling both your strings also really fires up her loins, it seems.

She's enjoying this, OP. She is not a nice woman.

Branleuse · 06/03/2016 11:04

rather you than me OP.

MissBattleaxe · 06/03/2016 11:08

My wife then said he has moved on with his life!! ..This was a bit of a bombshell for me as this was the first time she has told me this, and It's obviously key to the whole situation!

She would say that wouldn't she? I think she's given you a load of what you want to hear but she's not actually compromised or changed anything.

Refusing to stop seeing him or allowing to meet him would be a massive deal breaker for me.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/03/2016 11:35

I'm surprised by reactions to this. Every six months is very, very irregular contact. People are reacting as if the wife and her ex were meeting every week.

MissBattleaxe · 06/03/2016 16:15

The frequency isn't the point, She's keeping it going despite how unhappy her DH is. She is refusing to stop and refusing to let him met the ex. if that's not pushing a partner out then I don;t know what is. If my DH was insisting on meeting an ex I had never met twice a year and refusing to stop then I wouldn't be overjoyed either.

donajimena · 06/03/2016 18:09

I'd never do this to my partner. I'm not friends with my exes although I'd be friendly if I saw some of them.
If you are happy and reassured then fair enough but she is pissing all over you.
As a pp said its time to get a just in case fund going.
As for her saying he's moved on with his life... Well what else was she going to say?

AnyFucker · 06/03/2016 18:15

So precisely nothing has changed then ?

Justaboy · 06/03/2016 18:52

If it were me either he goes totally completely out of the frame , or she goes.

No two ways about it!.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/03/2016 18:59

I actually don't think twice a year is much at all - unless they have a lot of contact in between?

It's been going on for years. Why are you concerned just now?

Xmasbaby11 · 06/03/2016 19:04

Just read the update ... She's never going to stop seeing him? I don't think she respects your feelings at all if she says this. I would not be happy here.

RiceCrispieTreats · 06/03/2016 19:04

It's not the frequency that's the issue : it's the nature of the contact. The fact that it's with an ex who still has some kind of obsession with the OP's wife (dog's name, etc). The fact that the wife encourages it, rather than keeping her distance from an obsessive ex. The fact that OP is kept away from these cozy meetings between the two of them.

All of that is unhealthy; and disrespectful to OP.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 06/03/2016 19:05

She gave you good sex to get you to STFU

There is something fundamentally wrong if your partner/wife/husband is meeting someone and they would feel akward about it. Obviously is not something platonic.

Sorry but I think your bring a muppet and she sounds horrible.

allofyou · 06/03/2016 19:08

Sounds like Carrie in Sex and the City

Chocolatteaddict1 · 06/03/2016 19:08

Oh yes! Mr big is in town!!

kerstina · 06/03/2016 19:11

How would she feel if you were doing the same with your ex ? If you don't mind and can live with it I wouldn't worry too much and I don't agree with posters who say she must be sleeping with him.
I went out with my first boy friend for about 8 years We kept in touch after he moved away and I moved in with someone else . He only stopped contact after he got married age 40 . I did feel sad to lose the friendship but understand why. You have to move on and it was a bit narcissistic of me to want to keep him as a friend.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 06/03/2016 19:23

You are awfully pleased at the outcome of a conversation from which you have got precisely NOTHING and in fact your position is worse than before in many ways OP. You feel chuffed it didn't turn into a row but she has good reason to not allow it to so she even controlled that. If doormat is your chosen place in life great but really OP, re-read your last post. It would be funny if it wasn't a human being being treated like shit on a shoe sorry!

ILikeUranus · 06/03/2016 19:34

15 years?! They need to leave each other alone, that's ridiculous. Your feelings should come before her ex's. I recommend you both read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass. If my H said to me he would not stop seeing his ex twice a year, he would be out on his arse.