I love my wife, but her ex-boyfriend also loves my wife too

[mark5690]

My wife separated from her ex-boyfriend about 15 years ago, but he still loves her. He has had two significant girlfriends since then, but he seems unable to marry and move on with his life. He makes it clear to my wife that she is the one for him.
My wife tells me she does not love him but has deep "caring" feelings for him. She meets him every 6 months or so to make sure he’s ok and happy. Recently she made a dinner for him at his home.
I've let my wife know I feel uncomfortable with the situation, but I don’t try to prevent them contacting each other because i believe it won’t work. At least now my wife tells me what’s happening and it’s all above board. Often I feel insecure that they will eventually end up together.
Anybody know what I should do? He’s got a new girlfriend now who wants kids with him. Imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out he prefers my wife!
I have 3 young kids with my wife.
Ta M

In the middle of the discussion now. We are back to her saying nothing unusual,, gurr.

I've asked her to think about how she would feel if shoe on other foot :) and get back to me

Many people have open relationships and are perfectly happy about it. Is that what you want? You stay together but she has sex with someone else and receives most of her emotional support from then instead of you? I couldn't hack it but if you're comfortable with that then go for it

Firstly, grow a pair. Something is very iffy here: call her out on it straight up. If you do not call her out then you will never get mental closure on this.

IMHO your wife is betraying you as she is having an exclusive emotional relationship with another man.

She also knows this makes you uncomfortable and carries on regardless. Selfish.

She's said she won't stop seeing him. Her accounts of their meet ups have been contradictory. My alarm bells would be going through the sound barrier.

I'm all for personal freedoms in a relationship but this is a case of simple disrespect - disrespect for your relationship, you, and also for her ex's new squeeze. It would be a deal-breaker for me tbh; such a close relationship with an ex by my partner would just be too much for me to cope with. Factor in the dishonesty and it would probably drive me crazy. I'd feel almost perpetually in competition for top billing, a sucky situation for all concerned.

As some PPs have suggested, I would get braced for any revelations probing the matter may throw up. My gut is that you've made a decision to live in blissful ignorance until now but for some reason this has run out and you're scared of what the consequences of confronting her straight on may uncover so you are "soft pedalling".

basically, lay down the law to her or continue in ignorance. Half measures won't ease your concerns.

Good luck OP

Don;t wait for her to gte back to you with a carefully rehearsed response. You're in the driving seat.

say "Your relationship with your ex is incompatible with this marriage. Please make a choice. Do whatever you wish but I have the right to choose not to remain in this relationship with you if you continue."

Unfortunately it didn't go well, and this is how it looks right now.
Basically she will see him for the rest of her life, because he will always be there for her, especially in a crisis. He will provide that and I will provide the rest. (I disagree that I wouldn't be there in a crisis) She said she will be very sad the day he dies. Basically this is much bigger than I expected.
Oddly while she is viciously defending her actions, she agrees that she would not be happy with it, if the shoe were on the other foot.
The problem is I really like the her, and want to avoid divorce all costs (3 kids too) . Trouble is I think it will play on my mind.

2manysweets, I agree with your paragraph re blissful ignorance

Op I think you should let her go to him, you should go up stairs pack her bags and insist on letting her be free.

your basically giving her permission to treat you like a mug. How is that healthy for your children? Do you want your children growing up thinking it's ok for you to have multiple partners in a supposedly commited marrage?

Open the door and let her go.

You said that your wife was crazy about the fact this man got a girlfriend after they broke up. I'm not sure why you married her , or even continued to see her after you realized this. You really need to examine why marrying someone in these circumstances was acceptable to you. Sorry to say it sounds like you were a rebound.

From everything you've said it sounds like a long term emotional affair ( at least on your wife's part). I also suspect it's your WIFE who won't move on. Stop talking about it to her. Seriously. Nobody has ever successfully talked a spouse out of an affair. Your wife has been quite clear. You exist to support her financially and assist with domestic drudgery and om is for , well, other stuff.

She might well simply be staying for the children. Once they are gone your wife might shack up with him properly.

Your marriage is highly dysfunctional. It's not normal for someone to have TWO partners. And it's not normal for someone to accept that. You have three options.

1. put up with it
2. move out
3. have an open marriage and date other people yourself.

I personally would announce option three. I would tell , not ask.

Ffs, is this serious?! I would go mad if my partner was seeing his ex a couple of times a year if one or the other clearly still held feelings. Which your wife has as good as said she does have feelings there. And he has feelings for her. This is not normal.. not by a long shot.

I'd be telling her this as well if I were you!

She doesn't want him but she likes the thought he wants her. So she sees him just often enough to keep him keen.

Your wife sounds like one of those types who doesn't want the man herself but at the same time doesn't really want anybody else to get too close to him.
They see the person as 'their property'.
Hence they are constantly hanging around in the background of all new relationships..
From what I've read:
Liz Hurley does a similar thing with Hugh Grant.
Sinita does the same thing with Simon Cowell.

It can't be very nice being the new gf or wife in these types of 'relationships'
How is a marriage supposed to survive that?

"It would play on my mind"
"The thing is, I like her"

Is this a wind up?

You're not seriously going to put up with that are you?!

^1) put up with it
2) move out
3) have an open marriage and date other people yourself.

I personally would announce option three. I would tell , not ask.^
Matrix, I'll try this- option 3, I couldnt actually do it, but it might provoke thought. It's what she's asking for, but she wouldn't want me to have it.

I'll need to pick my moment and make sure there no glass objects around or they will be heading my way 😳

I think that if you manned up a lot and laid down the law to her in No uncertain terms then you might well not have this problem. I don't think any of the women here would or do have that much respect for you!.

Justaboy, I completely agree with you. This is different. She absolutely believes she is correct and I'm illogical. If I weren't on this site is be convinced by now.

Mark honestly if someone had that much disrespect for me I'd leave. Life is too short for time wasters.

I just can't see how she cares for you and loves you in this situation.

I'm really sorry, it must be awful, but she's basically saying, put up or piss off isn't she?

Call her bluff if you can't bring yourself to actually do it, make her think you are, see what happens.

I wish you luck, you're going to need it

I agree it appears to be her that hasn't moved on. It may be he does not have any feelings for her or just likes the attention , you only have her word for his views and actions. It sounds like she's put him on a pedestal and is romanticising the 'what if'. The reality is he treated her badly and had a wandering eye. 15 years is a very long time for this to have been going on. I think you are right to bring it to a head, it's not healthy.

I hope your joking about glass objects Mark.

Whether you could actually do it it not doesn't matter. If she won't stop and you won't leave it's the fairest option. I'd make it absolutely clear she's not the only one with other options.

My bet is that if you tell her this she'll threaten to divorce you.

Guys I'm starting to panic here. Im worried I'm in a situation that I can't resolve, and it will be with me for the rest of my life. It feels like a curse or I'm losing my mind! I don't know what's going on. Please feel free to tell me to wise up!

She admits to a non plutonic relationship, but she thinks she is doing nothing wrong. She is showing no sign of guilt. If she showed some form of guilt then I could work on that and ask her not to see him again. However she describes it in a cold matter of fact way, it's a relationship that's always been there. She said that its like somebody who had previously been divorced, but has now remarried. The baggage (my wife & her ex) was there since before we met so it's there now and it's part of the deal!

It gets even more sinister when I ask her to consider how I feel (I asked her this because she doesn't appear to experience guilt here) I gave her lots of time to think this through before responding. She came back to say she understands it hurts me but "that's a fair price" to pay so she can continue the relationship with the ex! This response is really worrying me. Anybody, please got any ideas?

Many posters have suggested I tell her to stop seeing him, but she's telling me she will never stop. It has been 17 years since they first met. It's very established and the time they spend together is very high quality, compared to our high volume low quality time, with kids demands all day long. The more I try to stop the contact the more it's protected, because I'm denying her something precious, and the more important it becomes. I might be wrong here but the opposite may be the way forward. Tell her to see him and then it becomes less important to her. You see many years back when we first met we had some argument and I jokingly said "I'll need to send you back to your ex boyfriend". I got an immediate look, don't know what the look meant, but it certainly hit some cord, and argument over. This is why I don't think I can ban contact. If it was a fling, or an affair that had been going for a few months then of course I would. Please let me know if I'm wrong?

Matrix, Ive got some questions for you please because I think you might know what's going on? you appear to be posting stuff ahead of me finding them out. In your post earlier you said to give up trying to stop them seeing each other, is that still your view?
Also you said if it were you would announce option 3, but in your following text you say if I do it she would divorce me. I agree she would go for divorce, but could you please let me know what you mean by you would announce option 3 if it leads to divorce?
Also when you say show her you got other options, what do you mean please?

Posters have suggested I get out of the situation.
Would it be sensible to walk away from a marriage to a person you really love, but say she's 95% yours. Everything else is perfect and you have 3 wonderful kids. Leaving means she's 0% yours. It's a horrible choice! If she was having a standard affair then it would be an easy decision, but this is some sort of weird 6 month hybrid relationship!

PS Matrix, you mention my wife being on the rebound after her breakup with the ex. When I first met my wife she told me she had 5 guys after her. It didn't matter much to me at the time because she was picking me- but this is within 12 months of breaking up with the ex, if that info is relevant today.

She came back to say she understands it hurts me but "that's a fair price" to pay so she can continue the relationship with the ex!

That bit jumped out at me more than anything.

If you stay, your self esteem will be eroded away until it has gone, whilst she will interpret your staying and consent and carry on as she wishes. Do not let this be a blueprint for your children's future relationships.

I think you have to end your marriage, hard as it is. Not only is she aware that she is hurting you, but she does not care and has no compassion for you. She is also gaslighting you and minimising what she is doing so you feel you are at fault and not her.

It's a fair price, because you are paying the price and not here. Your wife is showing a lack of compassion and care about you, which is hugely worrying. I think she sees you as someone whose only use is to meet her needs. She is a taker, you are the person from whom she receives. Sorry. She has made the cage attractive, obviously the set up suits her. But you are not truly loved, otherwise this situation would not have arose.

*her

this is the weirdest thread I've ever come across.

Ask yourself: Would you want any of your children to be treated or behave in the manner that your wife has behaved towards you?

She is in a long standing non platonic relationship with another man. She wants the safety, adoration/love and home comforts (respectability and certainty) that you provide.

I know that I could not stand to live in this situation. If you can't face ending the marriage, then open it.

(It is already open on her side)