I love my wife, but her ex-boyfriend also loves my wife too

[mark5690]

My wife separated from her ex-boyfriend about 15 years ago, but he still loves her. He has had two significant girlfriends since then, but he seems unable to marry and move on with his life. He makes it clear to my wife that she is the one for him.
My wife tells me she does not love him but has deep "caring" feelings for him. She meets him every 6 months or so to make sure he’s ok and happy. Recently she made a dinner for him at his home.
I've let my wife know I feel uncomfortable with the situation, but I don’t try to prevent them contacting each other because i believe it won’t work. At least now my wife tells me what’s happening and it’s all above board. Often I feel insecure that they will eventually end up together.
Anybody know what I should do? He’s got a new girlfriend now who wants kids with him. Imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out he prefers my wife!
I have 3 young kids with my wife.
Ta M

Most posts on marriage seem to be anger about owning people

I think you are very wide of the mark. The OP has not told her to stop seeing him. Yes she is free to leave and start a relationship with someone else. Everybody is. But what's not on is to start or continue a relationship over the top of another one.

However it is not OK to hurt someone the way she is hurting her husband. It looks to me as if she has having two relationships at once. That's really unfair and nothing to do with "ownership".

You could invite him over to your place then....he'll cancel of course.

You could go meet him on your own.

You could hire a PI to get photographic evidence and see how your wife's lies creative abilities expand in fabricating denials in the face of factual evidence. The pair of them must be getting a lot of mileage, entertainment wise, out of your gullible acceptance of her "reasoning" and excuses. Sorry if that is a harsh statement but you are being a doormat/mug here.

I don't think I'd get on a boat with them though- you are the third wheel and there is a chance they may throw you overboard, especially if that is the only venue they'll agree to meet you together.

No she got the benifits of a loving caring partner at home waiting for her . and some bloke that isn't very reliable but fun ... Is she a gemini by any chance giggles . if my partner was doing this to me . i wouldn't be sticking around espeacially as she won't take on board any of my suggestion to work around it .

From the way you describe it OP, she just about lost her marbles when you suggested you all meet! If that doesn't strike you as dodgy what will?

Have you actually spoken to her about how you feel? What will her reaction be if you say this makes you feel really uncomfortable and disrespected?

She's completely out if order. I hate to say it but my opinion is that they have sex.

If this was platonic and innocent you would have met him by now. Or at least she wouldn't have behaved in a shifty way at you suggesting it.

She won't stop seeing him (presumably his girlfriend isn't there either) and won't let you meet him.

If you continue to accept that, you are basically agreeing to it. But you don't have to! You can leave. Or ask her to. I most certainly would. They are both taking the piss out of their partners and I have seen many threads that start this way and the partner's suspicions ended up being correct.

The thing that really stands out in your posts is that you seem really afraid of any conflict. You don't communicate clearly or honestly. That conversation was a perfect opportunity to call your wife out on her contradictory bullshit. Instead she left the room after that accidental confession and apparently forget about it.

You don't like the guy. Of course you don't want to go on his boat or meet for fucking coffee. Say so.

The more I think about it the more I think your wife is fucking with you. I think she's enjoying taunting you with this shit and making you jealous. Despite all this shit about pining / not getting over her, he has a girlfriend and can be arsed to see your wife twice a year. If he's so fucking great , why did they split up ? It sounds like a teenage relationship and nothing more than that.

It really does sound like your wife is wanting some sort of reaction from you. People who cheat generally keep their mouths shut. She just loves talking about him doesn't she. And it gets her lot's of attention.

Have YOU independently seen or heard anything that suggests that he hasn't moved on or that he says these things to your wife ? Because she's now told you several contradictory versions. Do you know what I'd do Op ? I'd call him up and I wouldn't be polite. I'd tell him to butt the fuck out of my marriage then I'd call his partner and tell her what's been going on.

It's a win all round. If he has been inappropriate he will know you won't put up with it. If he hasn't your wife has some explaining to do.

Also , naming a fucking dog after an ex partner ISN'T complimentary.

Matrix good answer

What are you going to do OP? I wouldn't believe a word she says.

Hi MissBattleax,

Right now- no idea :(

I'm on holidays. Loads of time to think but little time to type (privacy & 3 kids). Am still trying to push for 3 way meeting, no way is she going to do it. As an alternative I've suggested me, wife, and his new ex's girlfriend and she gets really pissed of!

I don't think she's having an affair (maybe that's what I want to believe) ??? I'll post properly next week when I've more time.
In the meantime please prep me. Could my wife have really loved this guy during their 2 years together. He flirted too often with other girls, she warned him not to, and now shes going to be punish him for the rest of his life? She cooks him diner, but she leaves afterwards? Shows him how his life could have been but because he messed up she's now with with me? She's in control. I know it's weird! Would somebody put that effort in for a lifetime? Don't know if there is a physiologist out there? Am more than happy to hear I'm nuts on this :) but right now that's how it looks!

Whatever kick she's getting out of this, it's been fifteen years since they split and she won't let go and it doesn't look like he will either. Don't minimise and don't let her do it either

How old was she when she went out with him ?

I really think you've got this backwards. He has a partner. He's not a sackless lonely sap.

Your wife likes the attention. And she likes the fact it winds you up.

Hi Martrixreloaded,
Ex wife would have been about 20 when they first met, and relationship last 2 year.

I defiantly agree she likes his attention, his complements etc, and the 3 of us together would mess that up.

Why would she want to wind me up though? Ta

I don't think she wants to wind you up. More like she wants you to keep out of it so she can carry on!

You are definitely treading on eggshells when speaking to your wife.

I think the main question here is, how would your wife feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you were still in contact with an ex in these circumstances.

She is being unfair to you and you are being totally reasonable in wanting to meet him.

I think that the only reason why I wouldn't want my new BF to meet ex BF would be to hide the intimacy between myself and ex. I definitely agree with PP about it being a different reality when they're on their own and think that you meeting would be good closure for them both to then be able to move on from their relationship. If she's still intent on keeping you apart, then I think that it's "just in case" you don't work out and he would then not take her back. She needs the intimacy to make her feel better, knowing that she always has that to fall back onto.

I think matrix is spot on. This might actually all be the other way round. You only have her word for it and tbh it doesn't mean much at the moment.

Phone him and ask what's going on?

I agree if some one called a dog after me I certainly wouldn't take it as a compliment.

The other possibility is that if you were to meet up with him you would see that he isn't madly in love with her as she claims. It seems he's happy to meet up with you along with his partner. The only person who wouldn't be ok with it is your wife.

There's only two possible reasons she doesn't want you to meet him. Either something's going on with him or there isn't , and it's simply some egotistical fantasy on your wife's part. All her romantic insinuations suggest to me that it's pure fantasy on her part.

Why would she want to wind you up ? Could be anything from boredom , getting older , or wanting you to "fight" for her. It's not unusual for people to deliberately provoke jealousy in their spouse. I'm not proud of it but I've done it myself and I'm sure I'm not the only one .Her daft conversations about seeing him once every five years certainly don't suggest a torrid affair.

You've never said how much contact they have. How often are they in touch and who instigates this contact ? Have you ever seen messages between them ?

She either is having an inappropriate relationship with him or she is pretending to. Both is unacceptable and I would come down on it hard and call her bluff. I would talk to her again and I would state clearly that I am not willing to be married to someone who is having an inappropriate relationship with an ex. She either behaves like a wife or you separate.

This isn't a case of telling her what she can or can't do , it's a case of telling her what you won't put up with.

your wife is not really allowing her ex to move on is she. She may think shes being kind, but a clean break is needed, and also they are both being really fucking disrespectful to you

this , good luck OP

Hi Matrix
In answer to your question. They physically meet up every 6 months. Every now and then her phone will ping and ex boyfriend' s name would be on it. I know they are friends on Facebook but I don't have a Facebook account. After my wife he went out with a girl for about 9 years and this use to drive her crazy. He's got a new girlfriend now.

The latest updates to the questions asked in the posts above turned out as follows;
1)No way is she going to agree to a 3 way coffee between her, the ex and me.
2)She's also horrified at the suggestion of a 3 way coffee between her, the ex, and the new ex's girlfriend
3)My wife now agrees that it's not a plutonic relationship. It feels weird describing it as a non plutonic relationship when we discuss it!
4) I asked how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was me who had this same relationship with another woman. Well she said she wouldn't like it.
5) I now believe the ex has moved on, my wife even said "maybe I should leave them alone" !!! Gulp how wrong I was at the start!
6) I keep telling my wife that I wouldn't stop her seeing her ex (that decision is for her to make)

I guess now I got to find out why my wife won't let go?

sHi Matrix
In answer to your question. They physically meet up every 6 months. Every now and then her phone could ping and ex boyfriend' s name would be on it. I know they are friends on Facebook but I don't have a Facebook account. After my wife he went out with a girl for about 9 years and this use to drive her crazy. He's got a new girlfriend now.

The latest updates;
1)No way is she going to agree to a 3 way coffee between her, the ex and me.
2)She's also horrified at the suggestion of a 3 way coffee between her, the ex, and the new ex's girlfriend
3)My wife now agrees that it's not a plutonic relationship. It feels weird describing it as a non plutonic relationship when we discuss it!
4) I asked how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was me who had this same relationship with another woman. Well she said she wouldn't like it.
5) I now believe the ex has moved on, my wife even said "maybe I should leave them alone" !!!
6) I keep telling my wife that I wouldn't stop her seeing her ex (that decision is for her to make)

I guess now I got to find out why my wife won't let go?

"" suggested it could be an insurance in case something goes wrong in our relationship. I think this is a strong possibility because if my wife and I argue she does then contact him.

Re sex: we do have regular sex, although i do understand sex could still be involved

If you have any thoughts please let me know.

Poster thelittleredhen suggested it could be an insurance in case something goes wrong in our relationship. I think this is a strong possibility because if my wife and I argue she does then contact him.

Re sex: we do have regular sex, although i do understand sex could still be involved

If you have any thoughts please let me know.

Ta

If my husband contacted his ex every time we had a row, he'd be out the bloody door!

Sorry that last post is a bit confusing cos I'm trying to copy and paste text on an iPhone

She's admitted it's not just platonic, and you won't put your foot down, and say ... Enough is enough?

Your wife has now admitted the relationship is not platonic - would now not be a good time for an ultimatum? Either break contact with the ex or it's goodbye from you?

Of course your wife (and everybody) should be free to choose their own friends, but there is NO place for a non-platonic relationship in addition to a marriage surely?

Jesus OP you really have no self respect do you? No wonder she's trampling all over you.

She's effectively admitted she having an affair and you're STILL pussy-footing around posting 'Oh woe is me what shall I do' on here...

You end the marriage. That's what you do.