Firstly thank you very much for all your posts and advice which I have used. Here's how it went...
I spoke to my wife about her ex boyfriend not moving on with his life, and that she might in fact be delaying it. My wife then said he has moved on with his life!! ..This was a bit of a bombshell for me as this was the first time she has told me this, and It's obviously key to the whole situation!
There was plenty going on in my head at that point. Did I imagine or exaggerate the seriousness of their relationship?.. in which case I feel really stupid now! Really really stupid!!!..
I asked my wife; if she wanted to get back with her ex boyfriend would he go for it? She said he would not. I'm obviously not involved in their discussions, but gut feel tells me this is not entirely the case. Its all about the little signs..For example he got a dog after they broke up and the dog now has my wife's name. I don't know how old the dog is but it was during our marriage. A (very rough guess , they broke up 15 years ago, I met my wife 14 years ago, and he got the dog 5 years ago) He could of course have moved on since getting the dog, but it's the signs things like this.
I asked if it would be appropriate for the three of us to meet up? She said no, it would not be appropriate because it would be awkward, and due to the history. I agree with her on this point, but I would feel the least awkward of the three of us.
A previous poster suggested something along the lines of , the ex boyfriend may have moved on long ago, but by telling my wife that she's the one for him, provided an excuse for seeing both woman. My wife was shocked when I suggested this- In fact I was surprised at how shocked she was! Personally I don't think this is what is happening because as I said above I believe the ex boyfriend really does still like her (ie not moved on long ago)
There were some posts about my wife "enjoying the control". I didn't ask if she was doing this, but I did ask her if she thought somebody else in her position could enjoy the control and she agreed. Or conversation was quite calm at the time and I felt that asking her if this was what she was doing then it would stir things up. In any case I felt she would say no. Maybe I could follow this up at a later date.
She told me she is never going to stop visiting the ex boyfriend. I've never asked her not to, because I know it won't work. I think these things go "undercover" if you try to ban it, or you will be the person who denied them of their friend and they will not forgive you. I don't know, maybe there is actually a way of doing it properly. She does however know I'm "uncomfortable" with it.
Anyway that night we had sex and its was better than normal. I'd describe it as a "primal need for reassurance". I think we both felt that way, but of course it could have just been how I felt I don't know! :)
So getting up to date. Right now I feel so much better having had the conversation with my wife, and having asked these questions, without actually making things worse :) You see at the start of this process I was worried I'd create damage, arguments, or appear weak& insecure. Us boys want to appear in control!, because of this I was originally going to post on a boys forum but glad I posted here as boys views on my wife's feelings may be inaccurate. The upshot is I feel much more in control and informed now having had your input so thank you very very much. :)
PS: I know it sounds like I've signed off, but if you have any comments on all of this I will get back with a further update :)
Ta M