I love my wife, but her ex-boyfriend also loves my wife too

[mark5690]

My wife separated from her ex-boyfriend about 15 years ago, but he still loves her. He has had two significant girlfriends since then, but he seems unable to marry and move on with his life. He makes it clear to my wife that she is the one for him.
My wife tells me she does not love him but has deep "caring" feelings for him. She meets him every 6 months or so to make sure he’s ok and happy. Recently she made a dinner for him at his home.
I've let my wife know I feel uncomfortable with the situation, but I don’t try to prevent them contacting each other because i believe it won’t work. At least now my wife tells me what’s happening and it’s all above board. Often I feel insecure that they will eventually end up together.
Anybody know what I should do? He’s got a new girlfriend now who wants kids with him. Imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out he prefers my wife!
I have 3 young kids with my wife.
Ta M

How would your wife feel if you went round to your ex girlfriend's house and made her a cosy little dinner for two? Xx

Big update!!!

After my last post I was going to leave things as they were (& given that it would be 6 months before the next catch up)

Clearly the posts have continued..and then 1234HW left this message. Check out the bit about "reality" & "normal"

Great the two of you had a good chat.. Some thoughts from me.. For me this would only be acceptable if there was an opportunity to get to know the "boyfriend" and vice versa. A 3-way catch-up & coffee may be a bit awkward for a few minutes but that should pass soon...really. You are all grown-ups, not 16! And if it does not.. well that would be a bit strange. After all you are the husband... For you to become somewhat part of their friendship would be appropriate as welll as take away some of the perceived mystery/romance/nostalgia of when they are together. Basically there is a risk that currently you don't exist in their reality (of when they are together) and you should! It would only be normal for him,as a "normal" friend to be interested in her life incl. her husband

So I asked the question like this;
"Now that 'your ex' has moved on, perhaps the three of us should meet up for a coffee?, it might be really good and break the ice"

My wife then responds that it's not a good idea, because while the 'ex' is happy with his girlfriend, the ex thinks my wife is the most "wonderful woman in the world" and therefore it would be awkward.
My wife then visible started to panic because this is a direct contradiction to what she told me the other night. That the ex had moved on, and there was nothing to worry about.

My wife realises she's just contradicted herself, I know it, and shes desperately tries to change the subject.

She smiles (it's a fake smile), and she says this might actually work. The ex has already suggested this-that he, my wife, or kids, and me spend a day on his boat"
I say great lets do that then.

My wife is still panicking, stuttering, and she holds her had up and says, wait hold that thought, I want to discuss this further with you and she leaves the room.

I know she's just done that to clear her head.

Anyway when she came back she did not have anything further to add. I guess she was hoping I'd forget the coffee idea!

Now I'm thinking I don't want to leave it too long before she makes up a really good excuse, so I ask what she things of the 3 of us meeting up?

Now there's a new excuse. It's because the ex and I wouldn't get along because we've very different personalities! & my wife would feel uncomfortable, anyway she wouldn't want us all to be friends because she only wants to see him every 5 years.

Now there's a change- it's gone for every 6 months to 5 years. Does this mean my wife is backing out? Or my could it be going underground so that they meet every 6 months but I'm told it's every 5 years! Gulp

Now I know there's something wrong give 1234HW reasoning!

What should I do please? Keep pushing the coffee idea, leave if for now? should I talk to my wife using 1234HW reasoning?

Thanks so much guys,

You don't need reasoning! She's being completely unreasonable and you just need to keep talking to her. And what - she's suggested she will cut it back to every 5 years? Don't be a mug

Are you sure she's not seeing him more than that? All my alarm bells would be ringing at this point.

What should you do? Leave her???

She sounds fucking awful. Why do you think this is ok? You usge had post after post giving you advice but you keep coming back to the table with the same shit. Your wife shuts you down when you try and approach it.

She doesn't want to stop seeing another man.

She is lying to you

I would bet all the tea in China your wife has been having sex with this man on every occasion and knows thst the second you see them both together you will know.

Honestly grow a bloody back bone.

Some of these threads are just getting way to bizzare .....

Why don't you go on jezza Kyle ? This would fit right in on there and they could give her a lie detector test!

You've had some unhelpful remarks OP. From what you've said things sound a lot dodger than they did initially. My guess is that it won't be every five years, that's just what she'll tell about so you won't question her. She has lied about him moving on. So ergo she has lied about other things. I'm really sorry but I think your instincts are correct. I think it's an affair.

Bring her on here .We will ask her for you ,if you don't feel comfortable with it . i would actually love to hear her reasoning . i really would feel like a mug and i don't think i would be able to get my head around this . let alone take it almost horizontally. You really need to stand up for yourself it's obviously playing over and over in your head . i wouldn't expect my partner to do this .She give you a few sad tale's .and some great sex (which unfortunately she's proberly getting from him too ) and then. Your ment to be ok ,even thou you don't want to settle my head and heart and show me there's nothing going on between you . boss you really need to sort this out it's not just going to go away. Even thou i'm getting the idea you wish it would. I wouldn't disrespect my partner's feeling the way she is your's. And from the sound's of it you wouldn't do it to her either . everyone has a choice whether to accept someones behaviour or not ... Because you can't change anyone but youself . you can only decide IS THIS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR,AM I WILLING TO ACCEPT ... Then you change your behaviour and move on out. Or stay and continue to feel like you do ... Good luck

I actually think she is getting off on it. What control she met think she has over two men fauning over her.

Maybe it's her begging him to see him. Maybe she can't let go.

She's twisting someone's head that actually sound alright .( i am a lesbian ) there's a lass on her getting herself in a tiz over a right divy bloke . and then there's this bloke getting treat like a divy . there are people out there that will enhance your happiness stop tourting yourself the world really is wonderful if you just go out there take it in .

What should you do now?

Well definitely organise that boat trip. Your wife will be in a bind because she can't engage in an emotionally inappropriate relationship with ex while you're actually there. The fantasy she or both of them are invested in will hit reality with a bump when you're in the room with them. It will be awkward as fuck for her. Chances are she or both of them will be off with you in order to try and continue their little fantasy. Either way, you'll be disrupting the little game that's gone on so far. You can then judge whether you and your marriage are being respected.

Or you could just leave her now for lying and hypocrisy. Because come on. You've caught her out. Is that who you want as a life partner?

The bottom line is if your wife is not comfortable with you meeting this chap then she has no business meeting him either - END OF

My wife then responds that it's not a good idea, because while the 'ex' is happy with his girlfriend, the ex thinks my wife is the most "wonderful woman in the world" and therefore it would be awkward

I bet you any money the current girlfriend knows nothing about any of this.

Just read your further update - YOUR WIFE IS BANGING THIS GUY

There is something massively dodgy going on.

OP, you need to think about what outcome you want. I think if you keep digging you will find proof positive of at least an emotional affair if not a full blown shagging affair.

Do you want to turn a blind eye for the sake of keeping your wife who does not respect you at all? Do you want the truth? I imagine you want your wife 'back' but you may need to accept that this affair ha been going on as long as your marriage.

In your shoes I would confront your wife about how dodgy it looks that she doesn't want you to meet him. Ask her to tell the truth about what is going on. If he was just a friend, after all, it would be no problem. Then insist on meeting this other man. Then take your decision about what to do based on how that goes - But I fear you will have more confirmation of an affair before things go that far

Following your update, I think the best scenario is that your wife still has strong feelings for her ex and enjoys spending time with him as a couple, without you. Even if that time is spent just chatting & with no actual physical relationship.

The worst case scenario is that she is gutted he has a new girlfriend and is actually trying to "get him back" for herself. Which would, at some point if not yet, involve having sex with him.

I'm really sorry, but in one way or another this isn't a platonic friendship.

Halftruth has it. Ask yourself "Is this acceptable to me?" It really shouldn't be.
Your last discussion with her said it all.
-She is adamant that they will continue to meet without you and keeps moving the goalposts.

-He has told her she is the most wonderful woman in the world i.e better than his poor girlfriend.
-He has named his dog after her.
-He still carries a torch fifteen years after they split up.

-She has lied about him moving on and point blank refused to let you meet him.
-She has proved is lies to you and is now saying something very unbelievable about only seeing him every five years.

She is trying to put you off the scent.

I would be packing my bags if my DH was doing this.

Sorry, I'm inclined to think affair too. That level of evasiveness isn't at all normal for a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

I don't think there is anything wrong in it you don't own someone just because you married them. If she doesn't like you she will go off with him if she does like you she will stay with you. Simple.

Lovetruelove

I don't think there is anything wrong in it you don't own someone just because you married them.

Clearly not

If she doesn't like you she will go off with him if she does like you she will stay with you. Simple.

What an extraordinary statemnet, should OP be twiddling his thumbs while the princess decides which knights steed she is going to mount

Yes I am extraordinary 😀 Not a great believer in marriage anyway. Most posts on marriage seem to be anger about owning people - like 'how outrageous he/she did this and that without my permission.

If she doesn't like you she will go off with him if she does like you she will stay with you. Simple

She's doing both. That's not fair in anyone's book.

I don't think there is anything wrong in it you don't own someone just because you married them

And if you are married to someone you owe them honesty and fidelity.

Lovetruelove

Fair enough, I absolutely adore being married I have never been happier or more relaxed. I don't think I own my wife or vice versa, she is welcome to do whatever she wants to do, whenever she wants to do it, if it makes her happy. BUT we also take the vows we made very seriously.