what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

Again, stop thinking in terms of blame for yourself, accept your part in what happened yes, but also your responsibility to change the situation. Your husband won't, your daughter can't so it's up to you. Stop enabling the situation to continue.

I'm no expert op and I haven't been through the issues you're facing. But I do know about flogging a dead horse in a relationship, most of us have been there and regret the time and energy wasted.

You and your dh cannot be together and safely parent a child. She needs you to be the adult here and take the necessary steps. Yes, your dh will probably respond like a total dick if you leave him. No surprise there. But he isn't your responsibility, your daughter is.

Given the escalating violence in the home, I think perhaps you should involve the police or social services at this point, but other posters may be able to be more specific about that.

Come on, you know what you have to do.

Why haven't you left? You are both damaging your child. Get her out of there!

Look, enough about blame. My parents are currently divorcing and my mum keeps going on about blame. Nobody gives a shit though. When two people separate all the world thinks is 'oh that's a shame, never mind, onwards and upwards'.

Absolutely nobody thinks 'oh yes, it was all her fault for moving those coasters'. Honestly, they don't care. They just want you to sort yourself out and move on in as healthy and timely fashion as you are able.

You're starting to sound more like my mother, OP. She used to say she was staying for the kids, so I grew up feeling incredibly guilty because it was my fault she had to stay with my abusive father. Can you imagine the harm that does to a kid? She may be upset if you leave but she'll be a lot more upset AND damaged if you stay.

abecadario as someone in your mother's position I would say it is because we genuinely do not know what is the best course of action. Real life is not black and white. There's no such thing as an absolute right answer. Your posts make heartbreaking reading and are the reason that I am posting.

My property should sell quickly.

I had a serious relationship break-down many years ago and I am aware that breaking up will not mean that problems will be over. There will still be a relationship with recriminations and bitterness. We will live in separate houses but there will still be heavy involvement as there is a child involved and also some financial involvement (that I can happily walk away from but will need to be done legally).

You say you don't know what is the best course of action. Other than removing yourself and your child to a non violent place, what other options are you considering?

I'm not staying for 'the kid'. I'm staying because I don't know what is for the best.

I DONT KNOW WHAT IS FOR THE BEST

Walking away doesn't mean that life
will automatically become perfect.

morrisZapp I am considering talking to him when things are calmer? I know he is horrified as am I.

I don't intend to block my 'exit doors'. I will never entrap myself.

Talk to him? Why? You've been talking to him for years. Act. You need to act, not talk.

You've likely tried talking before and it did not work then either. Walking away won't make like perfect but staying within this is really death by 1000 cuts for you and in turn your DD who is absorbing all that goes on around her like a sponge.

What makes you think he is actually as horrified as you are?. Have you considered your thinking here may actually be wide of the mark and he has no remorse whatsoever?.

Why do you think you do not know what is for the best here?. It makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

What is your child learning about relationships here?.

You say you need to know that leaving will give your DD a better life

You have failed to protect her from seeing violence. You are not protecting her, nor putting her best interests first and most of all you too are part of the abuse as you hit your DH.

Neither of you sound like fit patents.

What the fuck?

LEAVE.

*YOU WILL NOT FIX THIS.

YOU ARE DAMAGING YOUR CHILD.*

There is no "talking when you're calmer" to an alcoholic.

"Walking away doesn't mean that life
will automatically become perfect"

Imagine looking into your daughters eyes years from now and using this as an excuse?

This whole thread is a waste of time.

You have no intention of acting NOW and doing the responsible thing.

It's hard, I've done it myself. But it's not impossible and you are suggesting it is.

Why would ss swoop in and remove Dd.

Because her parents keep battering each other.

You have to leave now.

I have a six year old and feel very sorry for your dd.

What answer are you looking for? You have reasons, very good reasons for walking away from your husband. Life is not predictable, we don't know what might happen. But if you walk away you will know you did it for the right reasons.

If you stay, you will just be making excuses.

Moving out for a few days is just a half way effort. But again with excuses because why would it change?

Walking away won't be perfect. It will be messy and stressful; and tearful, and if you're anything like me, there'll be lonely nights regretting how it all turned out. Not perfect or easy in the slightest, no.

But staying is not healthy for you or her (or even for your DH).

You 3 are the ones that matter here. The rumour and gossip doesn't count - those people don't get a say. What matters is what your little girl is seeing played out, living day to day, and learning how relationships work. Her view of your relationship is what counts. It has to be the priority.

What would actually need to happen before you thought 'enough is enough'? What are you waiting for?
You're in an abusive relationship which has trickled into him hitting you in front of your 6yo DD and you punching him in the head for later retaliation.

I am so so sorry that you are in this situation.

But it is fucked up.

If you give a tiny shit about your DD and her wellbeing then you'll sort your self out and leave.
There are countless stories of posters on MN who witnessed their parents hurting each other.
Why do you want to do that to your DD?

You have got the strength to leave, you have the means, and you have a fucking good reason.

What else are you waiting for? Seriously?

for putting up with this cunting shitbag thus far.

OP, you've been posting since February about a rapidly escalating situation that could (if it hasn't already) cause considerable damage to your DD. You've asked for advice and opinions and you've had nearly 200 of them. People have shared immensely personal experiences with you. The overwhelming view of the people you have asked for advice is that you need to remove your DD from this home and yourself from this relationship. You haven't done it. You keep giving excuses for inaction.
Genuine question, OP, what is it that you want from us? What is it that you want to hear from us?

Please leave. Your dd will not be more damaged by changing her life from one with an alcoholic abusive parent (yes, he is) to one where she lives with you. The break up of her current life might upset her a bit, but she is more aware of the atmospheres and problems than you think she is and she will settle into a calmer more predictable life quickly.

Please go.

Your relationship has broken down irretrievably. I understand your impulse to hit him back last night but for goodness sake you are toxic for each other - you could have ended up seriously battered or battering each other. You've been assaulted in front of your daughter. He will relapse into drinking again, because that's his pattern.

You've got lots of money available. Go and find a flat to rent nearby on a 6 month tenancy. Use the time to sell your house and make long term plans.

Nothing good can come from staying with him. Staying with him is the course of action most likely to lead to her being removed into foster care. If you leave with her she won't be removed, especially if you seek advice from women's aid again, that will create a paper trail with the last contact/referral that evidences that he is abusive. What do you think he could say that would get her removed from you?
You punched him - yes you did. And you've now removed yourselves from the situation. You're an alcoholic - they can breathalyse you and do gp checks etc. You neglect her - they will ask the school and do home checks, as well as talking to dd. You take drugs - wee and/or hair tests. You beat her - ask school, ask dd.
What are you afraid of?

Colchestergal I have disclosed my finances and explained exactly why it is not impossible.

Believe it or not that is a realisation for me. And I came to that realisation by myself. I very very much appreciate the kindness from posters.

I really appreciate this opportunity to discuss major life changing decisions. This is giving me strength.

Rightly or wrongly I love my husband. I love my child more and realise that she is my pressing responsibilty. Also it is possibly kinder to my husband to leave him. He doesn't deserve to be punched in the head either.

attilla Thank you. I've seen you around and really appreciate your 'milder' post to me. I will absorb and read this thread.

I do know this situation isn't right which is why I posted. I'm not burying my head in the sand xx

My mother left my father when I was 2. She didn't have financial resources. Being a single parent had huge stigma, and her parents didn't like gossip and had problems of their own (her father had lung cancer). However she got out, travelled across London by bus. Put up with the stigma etc. And her family took us in and helped.

Missing school at 6 isn't that important. She will make it up. She can make new friends.

Living in a violent environment can cause long term damage. Please get out now!