what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

No one is all bad and if he was you wouldn't have been with him for this long, married, had a baby.
It's not black and white. Life is shades of grey. BUT and its a massive but, can you live the rest of your life like you are now? Knowing this is likely to get worse??

I think you're right rarity75. I have been trying to get my own identity and feel worthy of living my own life. You are right in that I have lost myself.

I haven't just been procrastinating. I am working on things too.

It breaks my heart that dd saw him slap me. It breaks my heart and in turn I hate both him and me.

You are very right in that I dont know what my role is separate to him. I am trying though. I am trying to do things solely for myself just because I enjoy it. I have started having friends, so far they are only the mom's of children my dd likes.

It seems that I have made my world very (unnaturally?) small?

Just another observation 'cornering' you refusing to let you leave while shouting in your face is black and white. That is abusive with or without alcohol. He is ramping it up. Please look at his actions not his words.
If it was a a verbal confrontation with restraint and a slap in front of your daughter what will she witness next? She is 6 years old and she deserves so much more.

Rarity No I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I do not intend to. If I intended to I would not post on a public forum.

No I know you wouldn't. It happens by inches. You disappear because you get consumed by the other persons needs. Because you love them, because they say they need you. And because it's never all bad.

It's like sunshine isn't it when everything is ok? But it's never carefree because you're always on alert for the signs it's going to change again.

This is the hardest thing to do. The fear of change, the loss of what you wanted life to be, the anger that your family isn't going to be together (because you never dreamed in a million that this would happen to you), the fear that somehow you are letting your daughter down.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. And I understand the rage. My X is lucky he isn't a lump under my patio .

At some point (and I fervently hope this is it) you disengage, distance yourself emotionally, and you start to plan/dream another life. It won't be what you planned but it will be yours. Your decisions, you rediscovering who you are. It will be ok. You will find strength you never knww you had.

I'm sorry for your ill health but also don't underestimate children and their ability to support, empathise and offer unconditional love even at such a young age. Use RL support as and when needed.

I fear dd feeling like a carer or emotional crutch.

Thing is op, it doesn't matter if you 'can't live the rest of your life like this' but ...you are considering your future or can't find your identity without him or need to find your role separate to him.

Those issues are fundamentally important to you and I understand why you think that way. Relationships with addicts are really complex; often because their are so many positive aspects to the person and we are so invested in the person they can be (and prove themselves to be) when they're well.

I understand all of it and my response to you would be very different if you were childless.

But you're not. So all of your understandably complex feelings around your relationship, your identity and your love for your DP don't matter when it comes to protecting your child from witnessing a parent out of control through addiction and being abusive.

Your responsibility to protect your child from that trumps any complex feelings you have. The child is always the priority. Your feelings have to take second place.

Makesomethingupyouprick I know. Thanks

Dd is my raison d'etre, not him

There are many many children who have parents with a disability or illness. There are support networks out there. She won't be an emotional crutch and she may need to help you if you aren't too well. But it sounds like that isn't 100% of the time. Also you could access RL support to shield her from the really tough times. Relatives, friends etc??

Great. Then you'll do what you know you need to do.

I believe you can even if it causes you pain and confusion

It's so bloody hard to move from intellectualising and recognising the reality to actually practically doing something to change it.

No one on here can do that for you. Only you can. We can offer a virtual hand to hold on the way.

My ex was abusive. I was left agoraphobic and terrified of everyone and everything.

When we were abroad I hated my life and surroundings so much that there were days I could not even look out of the window as it reminded me of how awful it all was. My son is the only reason I didn't walk into the sea. Well that and because I was buggered if I'd be buried in that hell hole.

You are only trapped by your fear, but that is all it is. I know you doubt yourself and worry you haven't got what it takes to take control, but lovely lady, you have fought a fight bigger than most, you have. If you need support, that can be arranged, you can't let anything get in the way of you getting your dd away from a toxic environment. Life has a way of sorting things out, but you have to do your bit too, to allow it the space to sort the rest out.

You are not alone, there are lots of people here who have similar experiences one way or another, all you have to do is accept the help that's offered and ask for help you need.

So... What's the plan? He's away next week? That's a good a time as any to get the plan started.

I have been making changes. I am working on my physical strength by going to the gym and being more active and eating healthier. I have tidied my finances up. I will get my personal property valued (it is small, in a terrible area so I wouldnt live there with dd). Family are wonderful but very supportive of h and marriage. So I need a home of my own.

Selling a property will take time. Also it will be seen as a marital asset on the event of a split.
Have you looked at speaking to a solicitor?? You may find it helpful to have a time frame in mind.
I'm not suggesting you up and leave him tonight but if you have decided to go then a protracted process helps no one.
After the slapping incident how are things between you and him? Has he apologised? Does he think everything is ok?

hissy the plan is to sort out my paperwork, jewellery and sentimental items while he is away. Also I look forward to being able to think a bit clearer without the oppresive smog. I have looked at schools previously and have the number of the council to check for school places as well as a shortlist of places.

I have been slowly disentangling myself from the relationship. I think he fears my growing independence hence him ramping up the abuse.

Thank you kind ladies so much for understanding and giving me the strength to put one foot in front of the other out of this situation.

I haven't seen him rarity. No he hasn't apologised. I don't expect an apology in words but he will apologise in actions.

He will work late. I will sleep early etc.

I'm glad you have a plan during your head space time. Practical steps help firm up your emotional feelings.

You will get there, and believe it or not you will be much happier once he isn't fogging up your head.

Good plan re documents and schools. Don't forget photos. Have you sorted out a safe place to stash them?

I think you are right he is sensing you are detaching. Therefore also pack an emergency bag ( hope to god you never need it) but it's best to be practical. It is likely that he will continue to escalate emotionally, verbally and physically.

Keep posting, we will be here

That is not an apology that is avoidance. By employing these tactics he will hope he has got away with it.

In an emergency I need nothing but dd and car keys? I can get duplicate passport, birth certificate etc? Would the bank give me cash if I ask for it? I think I will keep an emergency stash of money in the car. Thanks rarity

Stick it in your car boot. Basic essentials knickers, toiletries, a change of clothes for you both.

Bank will give money but only with proof of id (driving license, passport etc).

Yes you can get copies of birth certificate etc but can take several weeks.

Suggest you give your documents to your parents to keep safe for you, or a friend you trust.

I honestly cannot believe you are still there. Hitting, scratching, punching him in the head and running away, alcoholism - wtf? That is no life for a child, especially as she's just watched her mother go through a serious illness the poor lamb......stop waiting around self indulgently wallowing in self pity and blaming others. People here can't help you leave, a counsellor can't - you have to do this for your dd. Just pack your personal items and stay with your parents. Establish your daughter in a nearby school and then sort out your own place as you are so lucky to have savings.

It's your dd that probably needs counselling as well now - the pair of you are setting her up for a life of issues, same as both of you. Do you want that for her? Stop waiting for your husband to take control of this. He's an alcoholic - drink is the only thing he's bothered about. So that leaves it fun to you. Which path are you going to choose and how much longer are you going to prevaricate?

Your poor, poor daughter. You may not like what anchordown is saying, but it's true. And it'll destroy your doughter if you're not very careful, then she'll, quite rightly, when she's older, blame you. It's your job to protect her and it seems like you can't/won't, by putting your husband first. Can't you see that he just doesn't need taking inot account anymore? That it's only your dd and you that need help and sorting out?

There is never a good time to leave. It just isn't one of those things that can be made into a low-impact, easy situation, I'm sorry to say.

I agree with other posters that it is important for you to go now, even though you don't feel ready and haven't got things lined up. Even if it means having to go to a B&B, please do give yourself and your DD a breathing space by leaving. Once you have, life will be calmer and you'll probably find it much easier to think and to plan.

By all means think hard about the things you feel you have done wrongly. But please don't take on any of your husband's shame and self-loathing. His drinking is his act and his responsibility. Don't be afraid to tell people and hold your head up high if anyone suggests otherwise.

Can you not get hold of the original passports etc? Where are they?