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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

279 replies

whattdoido · 29/02/2016 19:09

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 03/05/2016 11:11

I also think you need to leave. He slapped you last night after snarling in your face. He was drinking after this. He said he thinks you should get divorced.

You DD will be noticing all this, without a doubt. It's admirable the you're worried about being 'mature' about this, but it's not immature to walk away. If you've got separate finances then start making plans now. If he hits you again I would leave immediately.

RaeSkywalker · 03/05/2016 11:12

Just saw that you hit him in the head. It sounds like you're both on a self destruct course. Please remove yourself and your child from this environment.

blankpieceofpaper · 03/05/2016 11:16

You were given excellent advice last time around.

You are already teaching her lessons. I just hope her next one isn't a slap, or worse.

whattdoido · 03/05/2016 11:19

Thank you so much people for taking the time to talk this out with me. You are absolutely fabulous. I am feeling slightly stronger.

I have a house bought before marriage. It has 200k equity (not the family home). I also have 150k in savings. That would buy me a gorgeous house in many parts of the country.

I can do this. I am feeling slightly empowered thanks to this thread. My monthly income would be £500 a month though. But that would be mortgage free. I am not able to work due to poor physical health.

OP posts:
Colchestergal · 03/05/2016 11:20

You are both abusive.

I just hope your DD sensibly confides in someone at school so that children's services can be involved.

You've had months to extricate yourself from this situation and yet you are still there and are now subjecting your child to watching her parents physically fight each other.

Your poor DD. What kind of existence is this for her?

AnotherCiderPlease · 03/05/2016 11:21

Why would a knee jerk response not also be a mature one? Staying and thinking things through to the nth degree is the immature response.

You know what you need to do, its ok to be scared, its not ok to let the fear paralyse you into staying. You and your DD are worth more than that.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 11:23

Oh for goodness sake, OP, you two shouldn't be living together. You have enough money to buy a house - do you know how many women on here would envy that? Go and look for a suitable house now - it can be near your daughter's school so that she keeps her friends and you don't have the worry of her having to travel to see her father. Can't you see that you're both at rock bottom when you hit each other?

AnotherCiderPlease · 03/05/2016 11:23

Oh good lord, I just read that you went and deliberately punched him.

You need to get the hell out of there NOW - he has dragged you down to his level - your poor DD.

Colchestergal · 03/05/2016 11:27

Having read your update about having all that equity.

Months you have dithered yet you have all this money to easily restart your life.

This is just a pitying thread.

Abecedario · 03/05/2016 11:29

I think you're paralysed by thinking there's a 'perfect' way of doing this, that at some point you will have amassed enough money/paperwork etc and 'considered' your decidion enough that it will all just happen painlessly without 'mess'.

It's going to be painful and messy whenever you do it, and only going to get more so the longer you leave it. The situation has now escalated to the point where he is violent towards you. Once that boundary has been crossed its very unlikely that it won't happen again, this is how it happens, pushing a little bit further every time.

I know you keep saying on the thread 'I don't want this, I don't want this to be our lives' and that's perfectly understandable, but the fact is that this IS your lives. It will be, and worse too, until you change it. You are allowing your daughter to stay in this situation.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic father. Lovely and caring most of the time. Could go months with things fine. I loved him. If my mum had asked if I wanted to leave I'd have said no. Because I was a child and I didn't know any better, wasn't equipped to make that decision. My mum was scared of disrupting our lives, thought that stability and the fact that the good days were more frequent than the bad meant that it made more sense to stay. Thought she could manage the situation and protect me from the worse. I loved my dad but I spent my entire childhood in fear. The good times were never really that good because I could never trust them to last. My mum thought she was managing the situation by getting me out of the way, but that just meant I sat terrified and confused in my bedroom. But of course I tried to act unaffected, I didn't want to upset my mum! I used to beg friends to stay over because I knew he would 'behave' better if they were there. I used to try so hard to be so perfect, so strong for my mum, so good and quiet and clever and do well at school and try to 'perform' for him or distract him somehow in the hope that I could head off whatever horribleness was coming. I used to come home from school and not be able to relax or get on with my evening until I ascertained what kind of mood everyone was in, my heart would sink if I saw he'd been drinking, and I was far too good at recognising the signs at such a young age.

This situation is causing untold damage to you and your daughter. It's incredibly hard for you I know but you need to stop waiting for the 'perfect' time to leave, you need to step up and protect your daughter now.

inlectorecumbit · 03/05/2016 11:30

Just rad your update, you need to get out before your DD gets removed by SS, that is not just an idle threat, she will say something innocently and then she will be gone-- that quickly.
Have you looked into all the benefits you can get, he will need to pay something towards DD and if you are not fit to work maybe more benefits can kick in.
You are so much better off than many as you will have a home and some money behind you.
Start doing it NOW

whattdoido · 03/05/2016 11:30

Imperial I have enough money because I have safeguarded myself. I am not a reckless person. I accept that I may be abusive.

My family live a number of hours away so I wouldn't sensibly be staying where dd could easily visit 'daddy'. Nor would he be a good father as without me there he would drink heavily and frequently. and bemoan his fate and the bitch of a wife.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 03/05/2016 11:34

I was brought up with an alcoholic dad. My mum also thought she was doing the best thing for me and my brother by staying and not breaking up the family.

I had a horrific childhood as a result.

This is escalating already. Your child is a witness to abuse between you both. Don't keep her in this situation.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I have little relationship with my mum- she failed me in every way growing up. My dad had an addiction and to a degree he couldn't help it. My mum could.

Please do everything you can to leave. Do subject your child to misery and a lifetime of issues.

whattdoido · 03/05/2016 11:37

abecadario thank you. I needed to hear that.

Others, I need to know I will be giving dd a better life.

Why would ss swoop in and remove Dd. What if h manipulates ss and says that we are both unfit parents as his intention.

OP posts:
CoolforKittyCats · 03/05/2016 11:39

I have a house bought before marriage. It has 200k equity (not the family home). I also have 150k in savings. That would buy me a gorgeous house in many parts of the country.

Which isn't just yours if you are married.

MorrisZapp · 03/05/2016 11:40

Wtf? Your child witnessed domestic violence and you think it's immature to take her to a place of safety?

You've got money and you sound intelligent. But you're acting like a love sick teenager trying to please her first boyfriend.

You asked him how he'd feel about your daughter drinking like he does, how do you feel about your daughter accepting violence in a relationship?

Your boundaries are seriously warped. Please access help so your child can be protected, this is her absolute right.

whattdoido · 03/05/2016 11:40

Thanks Olivia. I have seen your scenario before. The child grows up and blames the parent that should have left, rather than the 'destructive' parent. And in doing so the parent with destructive behaviour is seen as a victim of circumstance. And the mother (normally) is blamed (by child) for not protecting her child.

OP posts:
OrangesandLemonsNow · 03/05/2016 11:42

So you have now punched him in the head!

This needs to end.

whattdoido · 03/05/2016 11:45

cool I know the money isn't just mine, but It is easily accessible. As we have similar money in the family home. So wouldnt involve significant legal wrangling.

MorrisZapp that makes alot of sense. Thank you Flowers. Can you talk a bit more please? I am listening.

OP posts:
blindsider · 03/05/2016 11:45

Yseulte

Not only have you contradicted yourself, generally bullshitted and offered no practical or helpful advice to the OP (unlike Stoic) you appear to want the last word too Hmm

mogloveseggs · 03/05/2016 11:46

Just leave. Pick your dd up from school this afternoon and go to your family. Putting miles of space between you will do you all some good. If he chooses to react by drinking himself into oblivion in a one man pity party then he is not fit to be in your lives. If however he chooses to reach out for help (gp etc) then there maybe some hope. However from what you have said it will be the latter.
You can inform school this afternoon and maybe arrange for some work to be sent for your dd by email until you work out what you are going to do.

liquidrevolution · 03/05/2016 11:47

OP - School is important but so is not allowing your DD to witness violence. Taking her out of school for a few days/weeks while you sort yourself out is not going to be the end of the world. She will not miss much at that age.

Can you access the property you have in your name?

As the daughter of an alcoholic I feel very strongly that you have to get out of this relationship ASAP. Your DD needs you to do this for her. You needed to do it 2 months ago. So why are you dithering?

mogloveseggs · 03/05/2016 11:48

*former not latter

Abecedario · 03/05/2016 11:48

I adored my mum and had a good relationship with her up until her death. I don't blame her for my dad's drinking or for being so worn down by the situation. I do hold her responsible for her decision though, and wish she'd done more to protect me and my siblings. I do torture myself now as an adult wondering why she didn't do whatever it took to get her kids to safety, and feeling angry that the adults in the situation, the only ones with any agency, allowed their children to grow up terrified.

whattdoido · 03/05/2016 11:49

I am blaming myself for what happened. I am thinking that I can change and control things. He said that I was goading him. I really truly don't think I was.

He is professionally trained to manipulate people (really!)

OP posts:
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