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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

279 replies

whattdoido · 29/02/2016 19:09

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 29/02/2016 19:55

Taking your child out of the home situation demonstrates very clearly what a safe, responsible and strong parent you are, and any good school will want to support you, not make things harder. But right now you need to do and say whatever you're most comfortable with, you've got enough stress to handle.

Really hope the time away helps, look after yourself Thanks

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 19:57

Imperial I need to get away. I cannot sit and watch him drink.

I can't have my dd around a drunk (him) nor hysterical angry bitch (me).

OP posts:
JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 29/02/2016 19:59

Tell the school. They'll support you and you may well need it further down the line even if you don't think you do at the moment.

If you don't tell them the truth, then the worst case scenario is that at some point the truth comes out anyway and you will have colluded with your DH in covering up his drinking - enabling him. Protect yourself and your DD.

If you need a different story for your DD, damp under the windows or something. Or moth fumigation!

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 29/02/2016 20:00

Have you asked him to leave until he stops drinking? I appreciate this might be easier said than done.

I would confide in the school if you can OP. Just in case he turns up and tries to collect your dd from school or anything.

Flowers
LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 20:00

Yes I would tell the school too. If thigs don't go as planned, you/your dd will need their support too.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 20:01

What is your plan if it's not enough to make him see the light?

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:01

Thanks rumble for understanding.

Im hoping that either my husband or me will see the light and not have to continue this life.

OP posts:
AnnieOnnieMouse · 29/02/2016 20:02

IMO, telling the school would be the best move - and letting him know that would carry quite a punch.

Kewcumber · 29/02/2016 20:05

I had asbestos in my brick built 1920's shed roof.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP but I'm not sure a couple of days would do it. Can you not persuade him to move out for the sake of your DD?

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:06

Yes I asked him to leave. He thinks I'm making mountains out of molehills (typical alcoholic wanting a drink behaviour). So basically he refused to leave.

I need breathing space. I have the option to return home to parents, but that is a considerable distance away so it would need to be a permanent life-changing decision.

I need to do this in steps. Please dont scare me people.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 20:07

What would happen if you told him he had to leave? I'm worried that you will stay away for a few days, go back and it'll all be the same. If you want him to hit rock bottom (and I don't think you can make that happen to someone else, to be honest) then you have to show him what he'll lose, which is his home as well as you and your daughter.

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 20:08

Oh sorry, just seen what you said about asking him to leave.

littlenicky61 · 29/02/2016 20:09

I would be wary of saying anything asbestos related ( asbestos is highly dangerous and may cause alarm to neighbours / people who have been in your house etc if they think you have an asbestos problem )

I would keep it simple - If you have central heating / boiler I would say that its not working properly and someone needs to come and fix it which will mean switching heating off for couple of days which will mean the house is going to be cold hence the need for you and DD to stay elsewhere . If questioned why DH isn't going with you you can say he is staying to overview the work / let plumber in and out etc .

Good luck but please don't be afraid to ask for outside help if you need it x

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 20:09

Can you afford to take out a rental for a few months? Are you working at the moment? It must be incredibly stressful for you.

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:12

Thats a lovely idea too littlenicky61.

Husbabd is likely to vacate the house if he sees that the alternative is dd and I living in hotel's or B&B's.

OP posts:
shutupandshop · 29/02/2016 20:13

Your heating has broken, you and dd cant bear it.

Eebahgum · 29/02/2016 20:13

the school would have no reason to tell social services. Their job is to keep children safe - which is exactly what you are doing. It is so much easier to support children and families when we know things that are happening at home. If you keep quiet & take her away there is every possibility he'll contact them.

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:14

Im not working imperial. Im not poor though.

OP posts:
Micah · 29/02/2016 20:15

Sorry i completely misread your o/p.

Cant you book a few nights in a hotel, and send him on "holiday". Then change the locks/see a solicitor.

cariadlet · 29/02/2016 20:16

As a teacher, I would say please be honest with the school. It's nothing that the head and the teachers haven't seen before, and it's much easier to support your dd (and to know what to say and what not to say to her) with the full picture.

It definitely wouldn't be seen as a poor reflection on your or your parenting. If anything it would be seen as a positive thing that you are aware of the adverse effect that the home situation could have on your dd, you are taking steps to protect her from your husband's drinking and you are ensuring stability by keeping her in school.

Bunbaker · 29/02/2016 20:17

"I'd really encourage you to be honest with school. They will be able to support DD much better if they know what is happening and SS, in the unlikely event they got involved, would see your taking steps to protect DD in a very, very positive light."

I very much agree with this.

Bluebell20 · 29/02/2016 20:18

I am a teacher, and I really think you should tell the school. They will want to support you and your daughter, and they can't do that if they don't know what is going on.

And although I am not an expert by any means, I don't think the school would involve social services, because you are clearly looking after your daughter and so there is no concern there. If you were a single alcoholic mum yourself, that would be different, as there would be nobody else to look after DD - but even then, social services would be there to support rather than to make life difficult (I have seen this happen with families of children I've taught before). You are going through a really tough time. Please accept help!

ImperialBlether · 29/02/2016 20:18

Why is he likely to leave the house if you two have gone?

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest you were poor - just that deposits and rentals etc can be very expensive.

Loqo · 29/02/2016 20:26

I'd say the heating or boiler is broken. Very believable.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:26

Of course you must be honest with the school. People who have encouraged you to lie have given you really bad advice.

But you must also be honest with yourself. A DH who has been dry for 'months' only is not a recovering alcoholic but an actual one.

Instead of threatening to leave you need to actually leave.