what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

"But that would be a knee-jerk response? Not a measured serious one?"

No, it would be a sensible, rational response because this situation is dangerous to your DD and you.

Would you say to frog in a pan of heating water "Have a think about a serious measured response" or would you say "get out of the pan, now! Hurry!"

Please, get out now.

Will you please just take your child and get away from him and your non existent relationship. My Dad was/is an alcoholic my Mum put up with it until I was 3 years old, the day he came home paralytic, shit himself, tried to pick me up and then punched my Mum in the face when she tried to stop him was the day she took me and ran.

Be like my Mum x

It's time to choose. Your husband or your daughter. You can't have both.

Pick him and you'll both end up unfit parents. Someone else will raise your daughter, someone who social services believe will keep her safe.

Pick her and you need to get her the hell away from him. You're endlessly procrastinating about whether you're making a rational decision or people will judge you and leaving her at risk in a toxic environment whilst you do so. It's time to actually do something. Protect her or lose her.

I disagree that leaving is knee-jerk response. It is a sensible, measured one which you have come to already, some time ago.

The knee-jerk response was punching him. This gave rise to the inescapable decision that you need to put your earlier sensible, measured response into action before things become any worse.

Now your dd has seen violence, you have responded to dh with violence, you need to activate your measured decision.

Posters like anchordown get my back up. Hysteria doesn't work on me. I am not procrastinating. So don't fucking patronise me. I will do what I can to stop myself becoming an aggressive bitter bitch that can't show kindness to someone going through hell.

Wilberforce and mummytime Thankyou. You really don't realise how much your words help me.

Thanks to all those posters that understand that I do not like the current situation and understand that is why I posted.

Posters like anchordown need to be highly ashamed of themselves for wading im without anything helpful or constructive. It is because of 'mean girls' like you that I need to have my defence wording in place.

Actually posters like me and Anchordown speak the truth and YOU don't like it.

'mean girls' .......seriously, we are adults, WOMEN.

No one is mean, merely bearer of facts.

You need support to leave. Your DD needs a good role model. This is being repeatedly pointed out to you.

"Mean girls"? Words defy me.

You've had a fuck tonne of sympathy already on this thread and it's just getting worse with no signs of you changing your daughter's life for the better, just dithering about talking to your husband.

Wilberforce and MummyTime had parents who got them out of abusive childhoods, which is great. My DH's didn't. You still CAN. Don't waste that chance.

You had the same advice on your old thread

You repeated the same mistakes and are using the same flawed justifications for staying

There is escalating violence in your home and a defenceless child is witnessing it

I think "Mean Girls is rather off topic, don't you ?

Wtf op.

I think you owe anchor an apology

Your daughter is living in a house with an alcoholic parent, and two physically violent parents - and you don't know what to do?

You've had lots of help, advice and support for the last few months - now is the time to shit or get off the pot

It's not hysteria. It's not even the worst case scenario, it's just the reality that you don't want to see.

It's fine though, lash out at people that you know nothing about on the Internet. We must be aggressive and bitter bitches. Best you find a way to tell us that rather than getting your daughter away from a man who is not only a violent alcoholic himself, but also causes a violent response in you.

Yesterday he needed a drink and engineered an argument with you so he could "justify" having a drink because it was "your fault"
That's how alcoholics work-they take no responsibility for anything.
I have a relative going through an almost identical situation and she's working on getting out.
Please leave before you damage your daughter further-she deserves better

OP, you Saudi you're nit staying for your daughter, then are you staying for you? That's even worse. The first I can put down to misplaced loyalty, bug the second is pure selfishness. At what point are you going to leave for your daughter?

But not bug.

I'm not even going to bother fixing the rest of my spelling mistakes. You get the gist.

Put yourself in your dd's shoes. What would she want her life to look like in 1/2/5 years time? What is realistically achievable?

What have you done to improve her life? What can you do?

You need to let go of any dreams of happy mummy and daddy etc. It just isn't going to happen.

So go for the next best thing.

You absolutely are procrastinating, OP.

You can't fix this. You need to leave. I don't understand what you think the option is.

He won't stop being an alcoholic, will he? And you can't control the situation.

I have left before and always come back. I know I can't yo-yo with a dd

Good God OP. I agree that you're procrastinating and using flawed justifications for staying.

Your DP has an addiction which affects his behaviour and impulse control. That's not an excuse - it's part of the formulation of his mental health and behaviour.

You do not. Yet have been reduced to being physically abusive. If you can't see that this entire dynamic is unhealthy and damaging your child and you need to leave NOW as you are the only one that can/wil make this decision then I don't know why you're posting new threads periodically.

And you're right that children witnessing addiction and abuse often grow up to be more confused about the parent who was sober/a victim of the abuse. That's because the addict/abuser is often easy to understand as in they are addicts/abusers. It's simple - it is what it is and they are what they are. And there are numerous complex reasons why someone may behave that way but they are often considered to have been unable or simply unwilling to control their behaviour.

But having a parent who seems 'better', in possession of all their faculties, sober/in control of their behaviour and as educated as you seem from your posts (you seem to have a deep understanding and insight into your DPs psychology, you're not someone that thinks this is normal for relationships etc) yet STILL fails to protect your child, then yes they'll find you more difficult to understand when they reach adulthood.

Calm down a little everyone?

Whether you agree with the op it not, she's frightened of what's happening around her and confused about everything.

Denial? Perhaps, but her whole life is crashing around her ears and she wants none of this to be happening.

Social services would indeed look up and take notice of this situation but seriously, swoop in and take your child? Don't be daft. There are kids being thrown against walls and starved to death and they don't get taken. To say they will take this dd is scaremongering.

Actually the op would benefit from getting advice from SS, but all this frothing will drive her away from this.

Op, take a breath. It will be ok. It will be ok because you know deep down what you have to do.

You have the means to do it too, so it's only fear of taking that's two and what it will say about your family that is preventing you.

This is not your shame. This is not something you caused. You can't even change what's happening here, only your reaction.

It is imperative that you get yourself and dd into a more healthy environment. You talked about leaving a couple of months ago, but didn't. The right thing would have been for you to have stuck with that plan, but I know you hoped things would change, and you clung to the sign of hope you saw.

Ok so veil is lifted and you know now that it's a dead end street. So dig deep and do what you gotta do.

Go check into a bandb for a week, go back to your plan and buy some headspace.

The priority is to defuse the toxic envieonment you're in. Once you're out you can take steps to work out what needs to happen next.

You can get out tomorrow, tonight even. Even if it's a hotel tonight, and look for a B and B tomorrow, you can do this.

Don't rule out any authorities for help, that's what they are there for and they will want to make sure you have everything you need to manage the situation yourself. The last thing they want to do is take your child and have to find money to look after her etc. As long as you're makin the right decisions for her, they will be behind you all the way.

You can do this.

Even if SS do get involved, even if they get involved right now, today, tomorrow, they will help you to get out and stay out, and won't take dd. They want her to stay with you, and are on your side. They will help you.

He is not going to stop. Your homelife is toxic, your relationship is toxic. You are becoming a person you don't want to be. Stop the inexorable slide into JEremy-Kyle-Land. Pull yourself and your dd out.

If you do it now, you can review your situation in a couple of months' time. In your place, despite having enough money to rent near where you are, I would go to somewhere fresh, near your family sounds like a nice place and is your dream! Take the first step to that, stay in a hotel over there, collect your thoughts, ask for help, clear your head, look at schools, wander, have ice creams. Have a break, take dd for a little holiday and walk in the woods, along the beach, down the village. Whatever.

Please. You are a tortured woman at the moment and the only person who can help you (and dd) is you. I am telling you, me, myself, that the right thing to do is to go.

Thanks hissy. H will be away next week until half-term, when I can easily go away.

Yes I am paralysed by fear. Part of that is that I cannot work or earn an income. And when I am sick I am very very sick. Until now dd has never seen me sick as H protects her from that.

H hasn't always been awful. He nursed me through the most awful cancer. He worked round the clock when I was in hospital to ensure I would have a home to return to. He worked full-time and came home and cooked and cleaned when I came out of hospital. Even now I am the one to cook, and h is the one to clean so that I can put dd to bed and do the fun bits with her. Dd and I do live in a bit of a bubble, this is partly to protect dd.

My illness took its toll on both of us mentally, physically and on our relationship. H holds my hand when I face problems. When I am scared to leave the house, when I am ashamed of facing others because of the physical changes in my body. He accompanies me to appointnents. He holds and comforts me when I cry (because of illness/physical limitations/pain) so dd never sees that side of me. I know at times he is the one to make me cry (and fret and have sleepless nights) and that is inexcusable.

I fear not being able to look after dd alone.

H is very much an alcoholic . He does become dry and has gone several years without drinking so I am not in complete cloud cuckoo land

I've read your whole thread. I don't want to read and run.
I think you have two problems

• you still live your husband
• you are waiting for his permission to leave because you have become conditioned to believe your life revolves around him.

And it is isn't? About his moods, his drinking, his needs. You have a role in all of this. You are his parent, monitor and sparring partner.

You're scared because you don't know what your 'role' is separate to him. I'm a single mum and its fucking hard at times. I made a decision to leave for my DD's safety. Different reasons to yours but similar likely damage to my child. Never been so scared in my life.
I understand your fear and your rage at him.

Is this really the stasis in which you want to spend your life? You are teaching her right now what is normal. You said to him how would he feel if she drinks as an adult. Well how would you feel if she chooses to stay in an abusive relationship with a partner who has an addiction. Because that is what you are modelling to her as a norm.

I get it it's really ducking shit and shouldn't be happening. But it's time to get off the fence. Live your life stop being stuck in the riptide of this destructive marriage.

Still love not live!