what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

"...........I would strongly suggest contacting the Samaritans. They are free to use and will have the best tools to handle quite a few issues, such as helping him with the alcoholism, you with your confidence and with any support you need with reporting or getting help with the abuse. They will also be able to ensure your safety and may actually be a better fit as they have local resources (though it's a national number they can connect you to local offices). I'm not sure where you are in the country but they will be able to act locally where I may not be able to.

My services would come more into play after the changes have been made, to build your esteem back up and to act as a cheerleader to guide you through the changes you made, which I'm happy to do. I have a certain number of free spaces that I keep back each month for cases such as yours so when it comes time for you to need me, I will provide those spaces for you so that the counselling will be free for you. I don't deal with alcohol or substance abuse issues, I'm not trained in that area, but I am trained in confidence and anxiety disorders which is where building your esteem back up would come into play. "

So where do I go from here? What do I do?

???? AFAIK The Samaritans provide a very good listening service. With perhaps some signposting ie saying what agencies there are you might contact.

Although my knowledge is from a few years ago, but I doubt they've widened their scope given the current financial climate.

Perhaps if you wanted to seek counselling, this would be best accessed via Al-Anon (if they do such referrals)

She doesnt know her stuff does she? I'm so disappointed I could cry.

Husband bought a bottle of wine over the weekend. He drank 1/2 yesterday and the other half today.

He also keeps calling my elderly parents. He is trying to intimidate me through them now as I dont engage. He also uses dd but I've learnt to manage that now.

I had to tell him several times today that intimidation is now a criminal offence. As he was trying to scare me using intimidation and threatening behaviour. He is very frustrated as I'm not arguing or engaging with him so his mask is slipping. He prefers it when I'm out of control And screaming at him. He wants to have sex and cannot believe that I'm not feeling it too!

Would Relate help me? I don't want to go to women's Aid.

There are mixed reports of experiences with Relate on these boards. But yes, it might be worth seeing one of their counsellors - on your own, though. He does sound abusive, so please don't go to counselling with him - it is not recommended, and counsellors are only human and can be charmed by abusers

That is odd. Samaritans couldn't do any harm. But surprised this counsellor felt unable to help you. She is obviously very narrow in her field but maybe someone else could help. Keep trying. Relate or any qualified relationship counsellor (attending on your own) is a good idea.

Why don't you want to go to Womens Aid?
They would certainly be your best bet.
They can put you in contact with local services that can help you.

I need to get my thoughts together before going to women's aid or involving any 'official organisations'. Last time I went to women's aid they went straight to social services and didn't offer any further support. Social services found dd to be a regular happy well looked after girl and thought that I was an angry slightly unhinged woman (not actual summary!) They asked h to sign a contract agreeing not to drink when looking after dd alone. He didn't do this but I have been able to threaten him with social services intervention to and maintain decent behaviour that way.

It was scary however as h threatened to feed them a load of lies and get dd taken from both of us. I knew this was unlikely but u can be very manipulative and like someone upthread said, professionals are only human and can get taken in/make a horrendous mistake

It sounds like the counsellor you contacted doesn't have any experience in addiction issues and felt unqualified to help you. But instead of saying that, she pointed you to Samaritans, which is a bit

Where did you find this counsellor's details? If you search on BACP you can search by specialism to find someone with experience in helping families of addicts.

Thanks pocket I will try that

So I'm back again

Do I need to start a new thread?

He slapped me last night. In front of dd.
Dd was having a lovely weekend and it ended with him slapping me. Dd was unfazed by it, but that behaviour isn't right is it?

He tried to corner me. Had his face in mine and was snarling at me, I tried to push him out of the way- absolutely didn't want to be cornered. He slapped me, claimed that it was because I had scratched him. He then spent 20 minutes in front of the mirror rubbing at his face. I think he was creating a scratch/aggravating it (if I had actually scratched him which I really really doubt as my intention was to push him out of the way.)

He went on to drink. I saw him after putting Dd to bed and asked why he had to ruin dd's weekend like that. He had been spoiling for a fight all day. He said he can't handle this shit and we should get a divorce.

I know that he hates being held accountable for his behaviour and he used to have a default habit of saying 'well get a divorce' as a way of shutting up further conversation/accountability for his behaviour.

I have a school-going Dd so I can't just pack up and go.

I know it's no way to live. But he isn't a bad man most of the time - honestly! He can't handle stress and now he doesn't have the crutch of drinking heavily. But hitting me is completely unacceptable. I am very very angry. But I am trying to be a mature responsible mother.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

"I have a school-going Dd so I can't just pack up and go. "

He slapped you. You were talking about leaving 2 months ago, and things dont sound any better. You can totally just pack up and go.

But that would be a knee-jerk response? Not a measured serious one?

And he claims the slapped me because I scratched him. I'm sure I didn't, but he does have a scratch on his face.

I'm trying to be mature. I don't think being mature in relationships comes naturally to me.

Leaving an abusive husband is not a knee-jerk response. Leaving a relationship is an extremely serious response. You need to up and go at some point and when someone smacks you in the face in front of your child, you've reached that point.

Don't prevaricate under the guise of thinking, or being serious or any of that. Get your stuff together and put your new life into action.

The last 2 months have been nice.

I know that violence is absolutely unacceptable. If it wasnt for Dd I would have called the police last night. I am thinking of logging it with them.

Also no matter how 'nice' things are, I make sure that I am free to leave and that I don't entangle myself to H. Eg. I keep separate finances, friends, paperwork. I'm working at maintaining my identity and getting a support network.

The last two months have been bookended by your children's parents hitting each other. There is a much nicer lifer available for both of you.

Have just read your thread. You can pack up and go and you should. Not only is he an alcoholic, he is emotionally and physically abusive. If he wants sex how long before he decides he's having it no matter what you say? Please leave. Get passports, birth certs, bank details a change of clothes for you and your dd and her favourite book and teddy and go.

I need to read the thread don't I.

I know he doesn't want the relationship over. If I leave now it will be incredibly messy as this hasn't been discussed. I don't want us emotionally abusing Dd either by coming and going. I know h will make changes. I know h is struggling. He has lost the crutch of burying his problems in alcohol so he lashed out at me instead...

Leave, you have the means to go. Your DD is 6, it doesn't matter if you take her out of school. Stop teaching her this is what a relationship is.

I'm sorry to be so direct but you can go, you are strong enough. No more excuses

You need to leave him.

It's not a knee jerk response, it's been going on for a long, long time.

He doesn't want, he is struggling, he is burying is problems.

And you? And your daughter, who is the same age as mine? Where are you in this?

he probably scratched his face himself he was getting his excuse ready for when you reported him to the policeand yes he should have been reported.

Dd was unfazed by it, but that behaviour isn't right is it?

This worried me more than anything as your DD now sees all his behaviour as normal and she is already been damaged by it.
I am sorry but you are failing your DD by not leaving him. If you can't or won't leave for yourself you have to leave for your DD whose innocence has already been tarnished by her parents behaviour.

I have a volatile personality. I didn't lie whimpering in bed. I came back down after Dd went to sleep and punched him in the head and then ran for my life and barricaded the bedroom door.

I absolutely couldn't leave it without retaliating.