what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

Thanks Truth. Its nice to know that dd will be supported at school too x

Anyone around? I'm scared of what Im doing. Im also scared of my dd being fucked up in the future because of daddy being an alcoholic. Because that is our truth. We are being driven from our home by an alcoholic. She is old enough to remember this.

I am going by the way. I absolutely cannot stay.

Yes you should absolutely go.

Yes you might be scared of her being fucked up because she has an alcoholic father but you cant change that, you can only change what you do.

Nothing else to add except please do tell the school. One of dd1s friends has been going through this for 18mos but the family refused to let school know anything because as far as they were concerned it was private/ shame/ secret/ none of their business. The kid has been through hell and back, and I am so relieved that finally she can be given non-partisan support and has a real place to talk if she needs to, without fear of recourse. (In her case, it was someone outside of the immediate family -but related to her - that called the school)

Please treat alcoholism like you would any other disease - it is not your fault and you have no reason to hide it. The more shameful and hidden you keep this, the bigger complex dd will have. The secrecy around alcoholism is misplaced.

I think if there's any chance your DH might try to collect your Dd from school you have to tell them.

Whatdoido we all fuck our kids up to an extent in a variety of different ways (scant consolation!) and there will be plenty of situations far far worse than yours. The important thing is you are taking steps to keep her safe and protect her. The strength of a mother to stand up for her and put her needs first will be a big plus for your DD for the rest of her life.

My first step is to get out. My second step is to get support. Im happy to tell the school.

Im not going to tell them as a big unveiling. I shall be matter of fact "dd and I are staying at xxxx address. There have been problems at home and it wasnt a pleasant environment. Dh battles alcoholism, he had a lapse and I'm not sure how long (or even if) this lapse will continue so I am removing dd from the home with immediate effect. Dd has a good relationship with her father but is aware that there are problems at home so it is possible that this may be distressing for her."

Thanks Majestic. Do I leave now or do I leave properly with a new school place and new home. It seems more mature to leave with a long-term plan rather than with a quick reflex. But then I might start to minimise.

Maybe I'm making excuses, but should I really leave with a bags worth of stuff (that would mean no passports, birth certificates or bank statements)? Then I will need to come back for the rest of my things and might get sucked back in.

However my gut reflex is telling me to get out now. I just dont feel able to stay here. But then some people on this thread are accusing me of 'playing games' as I dont have a long term plan as yet. Well I do have a long term plan but I have not enacted those arrangements yet.

I have enacted some things though eg I keep my finances separate. I have enough money to buy a small flat. I have my own car. I keep my overheads incredibly low

Definitely take passports, birth certs, ststements etc with you when you go, you will need these to secure a rental property etc for you and DD,and you don't want to risk not being able to get them if you have to go back.

Pack everything of importance to DD and you, and enough clothes etc for a few days, you can replace the rest when you get settled, or arrange to go back to the house with someone else to support you and pack up more then. DP not go back there alone, that way you can't be sucked back in as you put it.

You are absolutely doing the right thing OP, and you are right to be so honest with the school, they can offer DD any additional support should she need it.

for you my lovely, I've lived with an alcoholic (mother) and I know just how dreadful it can be. You'll soon be free of it xx

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ - support for people affected by alcoholism in someone close to them.

I agree the school should be told as you are right that it could already be affecting DD and they should be made aware so they can offer any necessary support she may benefit from. The school will not broadcast this to the playground mothers clique.

You are being brave to acknowledge the problem and make steps to better the situation for you and your daughter. Well done.

Thanks isuppose. All the meetings within a 20 mile radius are in the evenings at dds bedtime :-(

My instinct says get out now, i.e. today. And then you have some breathing space and you can start to gather your thoughts and make a more concrete plan, think about seeing a solicitor, and think about what to do long-term.

Good morning What

Great to see that you are still so resolute, and also great to see the sheer number of other posters on here supporting you - IME of MN these are people who will not leave you for as long as you need support (I had a thread of my own in OTBT that went on for over a year and the same core of people who were supportive at the beginning were still there a year later!) MN, for me, comes into it's own when a poster honest enough to ask for help and in a dire situation, comes on here and tells their truth and asks for help; it's like a group of mother hens gathering around to help, comfort, and advise (in so far as strangers can)

Can see you've had loads of good advice on here, but one post especially really grabbed me by the throat and it was iamEarthymama as she speaks the truth (but sadly a truth learnt in the worst possible way) and in sharing her truth she really is helping you big-time by explaining the realities of being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA - yep, it really is a thing!)

BUT I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and I tick every bloody box. I have recently started having panic attacks and can't cope with the most mundane of tasks.

^I saw a therapist recently as I thought I was going mad, truly mad.
She has opened my eyes to how my unconscious processes affect everything in my life.^

I applaud you with all my heart as your DD won't be writing this in 50 years time, you are doing the right thing for both of you.

I wish you both all the joy Life can give. The next part will be hard but when you struggle think of the adult you are helping your child to be xx

EVERY single word IamEarth wrote is true - painfully but accurately true. There is a brilliant book (albeit with a vile and v 'American' title) called After The Tears and it is a superb resource for all ACOA, most of whom go through life fucked up by never really knowing why, then they either see a therapist or read this book (I did and it was like looking in a fucking mirror) and suddenly they realise the damage done to them by the Alcoholic Parent. It might be worth you getting if only to expand upon what the incredibly kind IamEarth has already written - in acting now, you are saving your child and in no less a way than you would by dragging her out of a fire; simply on a slower timescale but that really is an accurate analogy.

for *IamEarth

So, have you decided what your plans are What? - is DD in school whilst you are pondering which is your best exit route?

I would take everything and move to your family. You can apply for a school place and she should be able to start within 10 working days.

You can phone that local authority and find out which schools have space in her year group. Fingers crossed there is room in a good one. We moved recently and I feared that there would only be places in poor schools but in fact we had a lot of choice, it so depends on the area.

Good morning Ladystoic good to 'see' you .

Yes earthymama's post is rattling in my head. I spent the whole night with it. She has touched all my nerve's and articulated just what this is all about. My dd is too precious to live this life. Living with an addict has a unique kind of torture.

Yes dd is at school at the moment. I'm lying in bed and going through the yellow pages and searching on rightmove.

I can keep dd busy until Friday. Take her out of school at 3 and whizz her away to my parents for the weekend. This would be the least disruptive and most normal method for her. But the only problem would be that we would have to come back here for school Monday morning.

Dd finishes school at 3ish. Then plays/does activities until 4.30. Husband doesnt come home before 7. I can arrange for dd and I to be doing bedtime and in bed by 7.30.

This gives me a few more days to get things together and arrange alternative housing.

There is an atmosphere in the house however. I cannot stand the sight of him. Im beyond furious. The next stage will be him apologising and acknowledging that 'he was wrong, that he realises he cannot drink. He just needed a bit of respite from the problems he is facing, he realises alcohol is not a solution etc etc etc'

No child deserves a father like this. He has so much form. Somebody on mumsnet once said that living with an alcoholic is "....hope over experience...." absolutely true :-(

Does your husband go to AA or any other support groups? If not, then I would humbly suggest that he is not actively trying to beat his addiction and you are better off taking steps towards a longer term solution.

While it must be incredibly tempting to head towards your family and other support networks it might be useful to consider an interim step in terms of housing while you work out contact with your husband? If he is an active risk to your child then you can involve social services to prevent your child staying overnight for example, but if he is not [but you are still worried sick he might go on a bender with her in the house] then you may prefer to be living nearby.

I have no experience of this at al but it sounds as though many posters to your thread do so I would counsel seeking their advice as to whether it is in your daughters best interests to be further away or close by her father at this age, at least in the short term while things bed down.

Some friends live in an old house. They had to vacate it when they had the woodwork stripped and repainted due to lead content.
Fumigation for fleas, rats in the attic, boiler imploded, housesitting for a friend with a cat, lots of options besides the nuclear one but it doesn't sound good from your postings. Sometimes it's good to be honest, hiding your husbands addiction also enables him to hide it to some extent. He'll say you are being OTT etc but the important thing is to be able to say that his consumption affects your life negatively. End of.

no be doesn't go to any sort of support group, never has.

Im done in. Feel very ashamed but I've been lying in bed with curtains drawn since dropping dd at school.

Don't be ashamed of a bit of doss What, just do whatever you need to do to get through and be kind to yourself

I would also use some of the spare time you've got in going to be so early to do some internet research on being the OH of an alcoholic or addict as tbh, it does sort of feel that the scales have fallen from your eyes somewhat throughout the (fairly short thus far) course of the thread - almost as if a really uncomfortable long term truth has suddenly become clear to you... does that make sense?

If yes, then now really is the best time to arm yourself with as much info as possible to continue to keep you and DD safe, as you are right - he WILL go into 'script' mode but the more you know of that 'script' in advance then the better able you'll be to fend it off at moments of vulnerability or wishful thinking

This really is not some short term problem or something that's going to go away. He is an alcoholic in denial, not even seeking the correct (& free FFS!) help that exists. Addicts are sick people, some are striving to get better and some choose to languish where they are - and your DH very firmly sits in that latter group from the sounds of it.

Stay strong but remember to allow yourself to be sad when you have the space and privacy to do so, rather than bottling all up and that then becoming a problem built up too. It's ok to be gut-wrenchingly livid at the same time as being heart-breakingly hurt & lost; and you'd be an odd creature indeed if you didn't feel any of the latter given this is your marriage - with all the hopes and dreams that came with that - that is now likely over. Be kind to yourself as well as DD

Im scared that I'm going to languish in this misery too. I'm scared that im making excuses. He does give up alcohol. Even when in active addiction he drinks less than most people. His relationship to alcohol is that of an alcoholic though. He is an alcoholic. Sad fact of my life. And if i continue to live here then my dds story will be the same as earthymama or worse. She will be full of self-doubt and desperate to please and wonder why daddy has black moods. Why daddy is ill. Why daddy can't mingle at parties like other men, why mommy doesnt like to socialise with daddy, why mommy is on edge.

Treadsoftly's post was well-intentioned. I have 'seen her around'. I know she is kind and good-natured. But her post is typical of what people who do not live with an alcoholic will say. Alcoholics have as much right to be a parent as anyone but they fuck the child up. The majority of people do not know what it is like to live with an addict.

Don't get me wrong. He does try. He wants that i police his intake though. He is now able to understand that this is unfair on me. Me leaving him will lead to him drinking heavily and complaining to anyone that listens about how evil I am to separate him from his beloved child, as well as how he only ever loved me and I abandoned him over his 'weakness'. His family will deny he has a problem (they are the ones that call his addiction a weakness and me a hysterical harridan). My family will minimise. The smug marrieds will pity me. Those in abusive relationships will be threatened by me.

But I cannot live this life any longer. I cannot.

I thought he had left. But he has just walked through the door .

Last night he packed his bags. He didn't leave, he tried to create a scene with dd (enotional blackmail) instead so i removed us from the room and didnt say anything to him.

I sort of knew he wouldn't go so easily. But i was allowing the hope to enter a bit.

He had just come into the bedroom angry that there is no dinner for him.

Oh whatdoido I'm so sorry this is such a hard time for you. He wants you to take responsibility for him, for you to meet all his needs, to do all the work to 'make' him ok, to police his drinking, for any consequences to him to be framed as you being mean - so convenient to him, no nasty feelings or thoughts he then has to confront or deal with at all.

My experience was with someone who became alcoholic through the misery of a mental illness, but the result was a bit the same, they slid every ounce of their responsibilities over on to me and there was guilting and tears and emotional blackmail and threats of self harm and tantrums at any resistance on my part. I eventually had to put that responsibility directly back on them, it had to be their choice, their decision as to what they did. It went against all my feelings about how a natural partnership should work but nothing was going to change until they really knew it was down to them. I did leave. It was hell at the time (and thank God no kids involved) but looking back I only regret I didn't leave sooner.

Picking up on a few things you've said about how others, and possibly him too, will say he's not an alcoholic. I am in active recovery and you are right - it's not the amount you drink, it's the way you drink. And if your drinking is causing problems, then it is likely that you are an alcoholic. 'Normal' people do not have to control, manage or monitor what they are drinking. They just have a drink if they fancy it, and don't if they don't!

Totally agree with everyone else that you need to separate yourselves from him as he needs to go into some form of active recovery himself - even if he goes as a result of you leaving, it's likely to be the wrong reasons and he may need more time before he can find his own reason to seek sobriety. This will probably take a long time - whereas you can change DDs life almost immediately.

Us alcoholics are a selfish, drama seeking, manipulative bunch and this sort of situation is, unfortunately, absolutely ideal fuel for the fire - but you have to try to let whatever he will throw at you bounce back off as you are doing the right thing.

Do encourage him to seek a supported recovery - but don't be surprised if he doesn't.

Rumble
He wants you to take responsibility for him, for you to meet all his needs, to do all the work to 'make' him ok, to police his drinking, for any consequences to him to be framed as you being mean - so convenient to him, no nasty feelings or thoughts he then has to confront or deal with at all.

Absolutely. Yes, yes and yes again. God I could cry. You are absolutely right and nobody believes me. Nobody believes how hes like a leech sucking at my life.

Fusion, he does go dry. For months and even years. Yes absolutely he is

selfish, drama seeking, manipulative bunch and he will relish the drama of me leaving. It will give him a purpose to his drinking

But her post is typical of what people who do not live with an alcoholic will say. Alcoholics have as much right to be a parent as anyone but they fuck the child up. The majority of people do not know what it is like to live with an addict.

Hi OP. I completely agree with everything you say. In your shoes I would want to move as far away as fecking possible from your Husband. What I don't know enough about is how much contact the courts would give him if he wanted it, especially if he wanted contact just to hurt you, and therefore if you lived relatively close [within 10 miles say] whether or not you could technically facilitate contact [eg: via a contact centre] within the letter of the law. If you were 300 miles away could the courts insist that you delivered your small child back to him every other weekend, while you sat in a nearby Holiday Inn hoping he hadn't fallen off the wagon?

When I caught him drinking I slapped him.

It made him feel more 'entitled' to drink. Gave him the moral highground.

I cant believe how low i have stooped. I have never hit anyone. Someone sympathetic would say I'm at the end of my tether. I couldn't bear that this was my daughters upbringing and that he is dragging the 3 of us into the gutter. Whatever I do for dd it will still require me to break up her home and for us all to start over.

So now she has one parent that prioritises drink and another that is violent. A social services dream?