what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

Slapping someone once when you hit the end of your rope does not make you violent. Violent implies someone who has a consistent pattern: as you say you'd never hit anyone in your life before.

You're sounding very low today. Have you any clearer idea of what you want to do next?

how are things now whatdoido have you formulated a plan for the weekend?

Yes I am now. He appears to have ceased drinking. So this will be followed up by him making caustic comments and then he will call me controlling for not tolerating his drinking. I'm fed up of this life.

But it felt to me that out would be seen as an act of petulance if I went away for a few days as the majority of people are like cocopee and Yseulte.

It's soul destroying being here. I need to make a more concrete permanent plan. I can't live with family. They can be supportive but my father resents the intrusion. He is old fashioned in that he thinks a wife should support her husband no matter what.

Meant yes I do feel very low.

There's a fine line between support and co dependency. I eventually realised I wasn't helping no matter how I tried, I was making my partner worse because I'd got so sucked into the manipulation. The whole not going to appointments unless I persuaded and pleaded and went through all the reasons and discussion again... what I needed to do was say yup, fine, your choice. And walk away. When I left, they got help within 24 hours themselves from the agencies they'd refused to engage with when I was there giving all the attention to their behaviour.

If you want time out, that's all the validity you need. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. You don't need to see yourself through their eyes or do what you think they would find acceptable.

Yes.... What rumble says.
Your decision what you do. You are entitled to feel your feelings and make your choices. Just like he is. And, if you choose not to live with someone because their on off drinking is causing you distress, then that's YOUR choice. Please think of yourself first and let him look after his feelings. That's not unsupportive - it's supporting yourself. What is he doing to support you?

I will try to consider myself as equally important.

Thank you so much for trying to help rumble and squeegle. I will read this thread over the next few days. It's such a shame I can't remove the guilt-tripping posts.

Never mind what other people think. They are not living your life. You are. It is a life that you don't have to tolerate, and why the hell should you? I had all that stuff from relatives about supporting my husband. Well, I'd supported him until I began to go crazy myself (and I also slapped him when I found him drinking) and you know what... he didn't stop drinking with my support! So why other people thought I should carry on 'supporting' was beyond me. It had not worked.
Also... the longer I stayed, the more my husband thought that he could carry on drinking. Whatever he did, I was always there. I said one thing (please stop drinking, I will divorce you if you don't stop, how can you do this to our children) and then I did another - which was to simply carry putting up with it day after day in the same house.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's attitude, OP. All I can say is that he can't really understand the situation that his daughter and grand-daughter are in.

I'm starting to get snappy with my dd now :-(

I'm such a fuckin twat

I can't stop crying. I don't want to do this. I don't want to carry on as we have been. Where do I go for help? I don't know if he is abusive or if I am the abusive one.

I don't want to carry on as we have been. I'm so afraid that I will though.

Sweetheart, please call your GP and make an appointment for a chat. With the relentless stress of all this you're sounding increasingly worn out and depressed and you need support with that.

Have you tried calling AA? Women's Aid? Your child is under 5, so you can also walk into any Sure Start centre and go to the front desk and ask for support, at the very least you will get a cup of tea and sympathy right now and they're usually a gold mine of knowledge on where you can get help for all kinds of issues.

You know you don't want to go on like this. You're ready and want to make a change. That's a huge step to have reached and it's no wonder you're feeling so horrible.

Can I suggest too that you report one of your posts to MNHQ and ask them to move this thread across to the relationships board? It won't disappear so fast down the topics then and there are some excellent posters who hang out there who might be able to offer some ideas and support.

Hi folks. We're going to move this thread over to Relationships in a moment at the OP's request.

OP you are doing well, really you are. Of course it takes time, of course it causes you to be snappy with DD. That is OK.

I'm thinking about where I should live. It would be nice to live near my parents but they might feel burdened by that as amongst other things I would be gossip fodder for their friends.

I don't have any good friends that I would want to be near.

My dd is happy with friends but I think she is still young enough to forget them quite easily.

I am looking into counselling. As I need to process things so that I can express myself to school, friends, family, husband (solicitors?) etc.

I've been ignored for such a long time. I will be strong now for dd - hopefully.

I once asked h what he would feel if dd drank like him. This was when he was actively denying that he had any alcohol issues and saying that I was over reacting etc. We both saw the blood drain from his face. He had to sit down. He was absolutely utterly devastated. But not enough to stop drinking hey.

Hi whatdoi - Just wanted to give you a virtual hand squeeze and say don't feel you need to cope with this alone. Please find some RL help. As well as practical advice, can you get to the GP?

You are doing absolutely the right thing by deciding this has to change, but it is obviously very hard, and I don't think anyone could manage without advice and support. Its not a situation I've ever been in so I don't know where you might go. I do remember my dad drinking though. At those times he was not dependable, and I didn't feel safe. So you are absolutely doing the right thing, lots of parents don't manage it. You are a great Mum.

You are in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic who has no intention of stopping drinking or inflicting abuse on you.

Please make contact with your nearest branch of Women's Aid tomorrow so that you can talk through your situtation and be helped to express yourself to 'school, friends, family etc'.

If you are offered a refuge placement you may be eligible for council/social housing in an area of your choice although it may take some months before you receive an offer of permanent accomodation. In the meantime, dd would attend school near the refuge and would no doubt find the stay something of an adventure as there will be other dc in residence that she can make friiends/play with.

Should have added this link to my earlier post: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

He does stop drinking goddesss. At least until he starts drinking again. Yes that leads to life being incredibly stressful and a feeling of walking on eggshells in case I 'set off' his drinking or that he humiliates us all intentionally by being drunk and obnoxious.

I don't need a refuge placement. I have kept my own finances knowing that I could not trust him. I am the 'responsible one'

I think I might not be mentally capable though.

Wahttdoido this is why I said you must find RL help and support. I don't think anyone would be mentally capable of doing this alone - well, I know I wouldn't. You sound so low - but it is not your fault, really not.

Fearing to 'set off' his drinking is making yourself responsible for his drinking - while of course you cannot control it and should not be living in fear like this. He is a complete copout for blaming anyone but himself. You can't live like this and nor should you. If you leave it will not be you breaking up dds home. DH did that. It is not a proper home for her while you tiptoe around, he unpredictably gets drunk, then blames you for it, is it?

Don't think less of yourself because it seems so difficult for you - it seems difficult because it IS. The right thing is sometimes very hard and certainly for you now it is. Please get some help for yourself. Please.

It's not you that sets off his drinking, you do know that don't you?
It's his decision each time he drinks.
This helped me understand.
al-anonfilter.blogspot.co.uk/2010/10/three-cs-i-didnt-cause-it-i-cant.html?m=1

Towards the end of my marriage (not to an alcoholic, to a lazy cocklodger) I found that just a single night at the Premier Inn did wonders for restoring my soul and allowing me a night of pure rest. (Although I didn't have LOs as mine were grown.)

Nothing to add that will be any help, just want you to know I think you are doing so well, under really hard circumstances.

Keep going forward and this will pass and you will look back from a happy place.

I approached a counsellor looking to examine my reasons for wanting to leave. She told me to go to the Samaritans. I've been mulling it over but her response still seems really strange to me so I'm copy and pasting some if it below.