what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

[whattdoido]

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

You could say all that without sounding like you are delivering a lecture though Yseulte. Where is your empathy?

It is an utterly shit situation for you op

I didn't 'miss your point' Yseulte but thanks for the unneeded lecture.

Your point was that, PRIOR to this relapse, 'he was still an alcoholic as he had 'only' been sober for a few months' (implying that there is some threshold over which one is magically able to claim sobriety). I was simply pointing out the flaw in that thinking.

I concur that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic but I do not remotely concur that claiming to be in 'active recovery' is something reserved for the older timers - and, more importantly, neither does AA which is, I suspect, a greater authority that either you or I.

What Coopie said.

I would t love your H to move out and give you space. Why disrupt your child's life like this?

It is very distressing and stressful. Im waiting for the morning so I can drop dd at school and then have a good old cry. Before Ii find somewhere for us to stay!

Haffdonga, you are quite correct in all 3 scenarios. He will do all of them.

I am lucky in that I am not financially dependent. I have enough money to buy alternative (incredibly modest!) accomodation. I do not work and my family do not live nearby so have no reason to stay local.

I am being as brave as I possibly can. My 1st step was to admit to mumsnet that this is unacceptable. My second step will be to remove myself from the house tomorrow. I have an option now of telling dd and other parents something plausible until I am ready to share / go public. I will probably tell school after I have found somewhere to stay.

I never said there was a point at which he could claim 'sobriety' nor implied it, so you're 'pointing out a flaw' in something I didn't actually say. Nor did I say that only 'old timers' can claim recovery: it was simply an example say that some people can but not the OP's husband.

Can we leave this now, I don't think it's going anywhere?

That was to Stoic

Good luck OP, I think coming here is a really important first step.

When I say tell school, I mean tell teachers. Not any parent who asks. Make sure teachers know that the knowledge isn't to be shared at all with any parent volunteers.

You sound a strong person and ready to take steps to secure the next step of your and tour daughters life. Good luck

Yseulte. You are correct in that I do not want to be forced to leave him.

I choose to leave him. My choice. And I choose to do that with minimum disruption to dds life whilst retaining my dignity.

I have no intention of making dd miss school.

Thanks bibbity and ladystoic for understanding (and defending me against the bullies). No doubt there will be many more of them after i have left. All full of accusations and recriminations.

Buttercup alcoholics are inherently selfish. Actually alcoholics are absolute bastard cunts.

I really really feel for you OP but I do need to be really honest with you in saying that yep, whilst he was in recovery (which is what he was when he was not drinking and prior to relapse) but not in 'active' recovery - meetings, sponsor, commitments, working the steps etc or all via the Smart Recovery route if his argument that AA isn't for him - then this relapse really was only a matter of time

I have someone unbelievably precious to me who is in recovery but active recovery, working on his sobriety one day at a time. I am beyond proud of him, he has fought and ought to free himself from the trap of active addiction. He recently picked up his 90 day chip and is now over 100 days into his recovery (which is why Yselute's bollocks really wound me up, as someone who knows as little as that about recovery should say nothing if they don't know what they're talking about)

I urge you to concentrate on your plans for you and your child, as what he chooses to do or not do only he can decided - he has to want sobriety and recovery to achieve it and his best bet would be to hit a meeting tomm (they're EVERYWHERE so he can just google) and pick up his 24hr chip - and then lob himself into the programme as if his life depends upon it... as it really actually does depend on it.

You do need to work on the assumption that this relapse is either permanent or, if fleeting, is still on very shaky ground in the absence of going into active recovery; hence why it is so very vital you focus just on you and DD.

It is beyond traumatic living with an addict, my heart goes out to you and please ignore the twats who are saying you are 'playing games' or other shite like that. Please don't let them stop you posting either - if I were you I would ask for thread to be moved to [removed by MNHQ] and the supportive posters will stick with you over the next days and months

Oh penelope i dont feel strong. I feel really angry. I feel like smashing a saucepan over the pricks head.

Im so angry that im going to have to turn things upside down and start our lives again.

Hes a fucking knob. Why did this have to be my life?

What is OTBT?

Tell the school the truth.

Tell your dd the heating needs fixing.

Tell school what you have told dd, so they can both support her and be in on 'the story'.

Hope it works out for you.

[Removed by MNHQ] It's a quieter part of MN and ideal for someone who wants or needs to have an ongoing thread for support per se and also for different views when decision making.

It also doesn't show up in google searches so is ideal in abuse cases or where the details may be quite identifying. The less than supportive posters are even less tolerated there than they are here, so you should get support without the smuggies or the nitpickers (YKWIM)

Use the report button on your OP to ask MN to move it IF that's what you want to do

Ladystoic i'm really upset.

Im going to have to take such big steps. Oh god. Help.

Whatdoido,
Good for you
Get away for a bit, get your head a bit straight. Personally, I would actually try and get your head around leaving permanently. For YOUR good and your daughter's good.
I was in a similar situation. I let it go on far too long. Kept hoping for miracles. Am happy without him. Liberated.
And, in your situation I did not tell the school. Frankly, they may be there to help, and I'm sure they would have been supportive, but I was not in the place to go in and discuss it with them. I wouldn't have been at all comfortable. You should do what you are comfortable with.
However, I go agree it's not your secret- so do tell others that you can trust. It will help. Good luck. You're on the right track.

Just deep breathes and one step at a time what OK?

You CAN do this. It's v v V shitty that you have too and right now the world probably feels mightily unfair, but sadly that doesn't change the realities right now.

What other RL support do you have apart from your parents? Do you have other friends nearby you can speak to about this? I would really urge you to contact AlAnon and also to swiftly embark on counselling/therapy for yourself which will support you as you make these 'big steps'.

Remember, the only persons actions you can control are your own

I'm off to bed now but sending you all the strength I can. Life really is an utter cunt at times but all any of us can do in the face of that is just keep plodding through until the sun comes out again.

I am 60 years old, have a good life, full of love and good people.
My career however...I have fucked up more opportunities than I can count. And I am really bright and nice, you would like me, everyone does.

BUT I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and I tick every bloody box. I have recently started having panic attacks and can't cope with the most mundane of tasks.

I saw a therapist recently as I thought I was going mad, truly mad.
She has opened my eyes to how my unconscious processes affect everything in my life.

I applaud you with all my heart as your DD won't be writing this in 50 years time, you are doing the right thing for both of you.

I wish you both all the joy Life can give.
The next part will be hard but when you struggle think of the adult you are helping your child to be xx

He is going to tell me I'm being ridiculous. He isnt a heavy drinker (mostly). He probably drinks less than most people.

He has a shitty relationship with alcohol though. He can go months and years without it but then it creeps back in and he starts with a single drink. Then he progresses gradually to drinking in secret.

He is definitely an alcoholic. He can control it until it starts to control him. Even when he is dry he is an alcoholic.

He will say that i am trying to control him. I understand now that it is a symptom of his alcoholism. He needs to minimise and denial is important to enable him to continue drinking. If he doesn't minimise then he collapses under the weight of guilt. He loathes himself. He is a shit father.

I hate him for doing this.

I'm so scared. Im so upset. Im angry and heartbroken and afraid. Oh fucking hell. How do i breathe

You can do this, you can
Everyone here will help you x

I've just come on here to say that I was in this exact situation a few years back. LadyStoic 's advice is absolutely the best advice I've seen on MN on this matter.
OP you are describing exactly how I felt at the time.

I did tell my dc's primary school and I am very glad that I did. They did not call SS (although that happened later when the police were called to my house as a result of something my alcoholic DH had done. They were satisfied that I could protect my dc because my DH left home). My kids' primary school were fantastic. They were able to help my dc and respond to them properly. My dc were both in infants and actually wanted their teachers to know what was going on at school so they wouldn't have to pretend everything was alright with them when it wasn't.

Also, I was so sick of the lies and deceit by the alcoholic that I decided I wouldn't do any more lying and covering-up for him. I didn't go broadcasting it, but it was far easier to get help and support by telling certain people. And also far easier to work out who couldn't or wouldn't be supportive, IYSWIM.

Have you ever been to Al-Anon, OP? I found the meetings to be very helpful in understanding addiction and in working out what choices I was going to make.

Stay on MN, OP - there's a lot of help to be had here.

Sleep well ladystoic. Thankyou so.much for holding my hands this evening.

Iamearthymama your post is my worst fear. This is what led to me losing my marbles at him earlier today.

My dd is the most beautiful precious creature alive. She doesnt deserve an upset mummy and inadequate father. She doesnt deserve to leave her gorgeous beautiful house and the lovely life that we (me and dd) have built. She doesnt deserve to live with a father that values alcohol over her wellbeing either.

Im so sorry earthymama. So sorry. Please universe give me the strength to give my dd the life my beautiful child deserves.

Please please please please

Yseulte you are not a pleasant person. I am reporting your post for cruelty/personal attacks. Ladystoic shared upsetting personal information in order to help. You have done nothing but be critical unpleasant and bitter.

Whether she is a rescuer or not, she is doing it with the best of intentions. Only you could make someones kindness a stick to beat them with.

You sound strong op. A few days away, to think, prioritise etc, sounds great.

Dd's school will have someone who is nominated as the 'child protection officer'. This is often the head or deputy, and also usually one of the kinder members of staff. If you call and explain the truth to them you may find them a source of support. As a teacher, I would much rather know something like this and be able to support pupils through it.