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Original poster

what should I tell my dd? i need to leave home (and dh)for a few days to think

279 replies

whattdoido · 29/02/2016 19:09

I need to leave home for a few days with my 6year old school going dd. I need to tell dd something that would be plausible both to her and to all her friends/teachers.

If dd didnt have school then I would be going to spend time with family. Im trying to cause miminum disruption and upset to dd. So/but I will most liikely be going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

OP posts:
HelsBels3000 · 29/02/2016 20:30

^ this.

Excited101 · 29/02/2016 20:37

You need to involve the school with this, they are geared up to help in situations like this. As are SS though, they are there to help you.

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:42

I will leave with proper arrangements. In the meantime I need to get away temporarily while I sort out a permanent home and new school place.

Yseulte, I am fully aware of what an alcoholic is. I live with one. I did not say he wasn't an alcoholic. Only that he had been dry until this episode.

OP posts:
CooPie10 · 29/02/2016 20:45

I think you are playing games tbh. You want to 'show' him it's unacceptable by moving out till he decides to make a change. How many times are you going to do this and drag your dd into moving around and lying to her?

Your reluctance to be honest with the school reflects that you just want to scare him rather than ss get involved and it become serious enough that you won't be able go back.

Loqo · 29/02/2016 20:45

I would involve the school when you feel like it. Smile

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:47

I can only repeat dry for a few months is not 'recovering' which how you described him above. I didn't say you said he wasn't an alcoholic.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 20:49

I totally agree with CooPie.

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:51

Maybe coco regarding your 2nd paragraph. Absolutely not regarding your 1st.

I haven't said that I intend to lie to the school. I do however intend to be incredibly selective at which school parents will be privy to my distress.

OP posts:
LadyStoicIsBack · 29/02/2016 20:53

'But you must also be honest with yourself. A DH who has been dry for 'months' only is not a recovering alcoholic but an actual one.'

Yseulte You're mistaken and in a way that I doubt will be helpful to OP. All alcoholics are alcoholics forever; it then a question of are they an alcoholic in active addiction [which, having relapsed, OP's H now is againSad OR they are alcoholics in recovery. Vis the latter, it doesn't matter how much clean time you've got - you are as 'in recovery' on day 1 as you are the bloke next to you who has been abstinent for 20 years.

There is no 'magic time line' - like the 'months' you've suggested - where you 'stop' being an alcoholic. You're ALWAYS going to be an alcoholic and the only variable is are you in active addiction or are you in recovery?

It sounds like OP's DH was in recovery for some months and then - not uncommonly unfortunatelySad - relapsed.

OP Was your DH in 'active' recovery? IE going to meetings, had a sponsor, working the steps etc? Or has he simply been a dry drunk whiteknuckling it alone? Success in the latter is rare if not impossible; success in the former IS possible but only if he works for it.

It's odd, there seems to be a sudden spike in the number of threads around addiction at the moment but at least you do know that you cannot enable him and something has to change. I hope this does help him risk his rock bottom but I wouldn't count on it OP - and it won't be because he doesn't love you, it will be because he can't have a relationship with you when his primary relationship is the one with alcohol. Painful but true.

And it maybe that he'll just take the time you are away to drink him senseless and barely even noticed you've gone so please ensure this break IS about you having thinking time (as opposed to him having an 'opportunity' to see what his 'rock bottom' would look like.)

Please contact Al-Anon and your local SMART Recovery team for advice and support FOR YOU Flowers

And keep posting, you're not alone Flowers

CooPie10 · 29/02/2016 20:56

Your dd is 6yo, do not underestimate how much she actually knows. I don't think it's right lying to her. She probably notices his drinking and that there's a problem, now she has to be disrupted for a few days?

It's would benefit you to tell school, get ss support and get the ball rolling for leaving him. At least everyone will be aware That it's not you with the problem, and it's you who is trying to do right by her.

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 20:56

Don't be pedantic about words Yseulte. He is a binge drinker. I know he is an alcoholic due to his relationship with alcohol rather than consistent consumption

OP posts:
Saxie007 · 29/02/2016 20:59

House sitting for a friend. Then try to find a house sitting job & get paid to live elsewhere for a bit. It's a bit too neat but would be great if it worked!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 29/02/2016 21:01

Speak to the school and also to SS. You can just call SS and ask for advice if you don't feel you can cope with everything formal right now. Telling the school the truth breaks the spell of secrecy that aids addiction.

I think you should go back to your parents. They might be a fair way away but it would be support for you and DD, and a safe direction to go in.

MajesticWhine · 29/02/2016 21:01

OP sorry for what you are having to deal with. I think you are doing the right thing. A BnB for a few days is a great first step and he might vacate the house. If not then is the time to make a new plan. You could tell school at some point but you don't have to do everything all in one go.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 29/02/2016 21:02

Her being off school really isn't a priority right now.

Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 21:05

Ladystoic you are absolutely right. He is a dry drunk. Yes he was 'whiteknuckling' it alone.

He has frequent lapses which are lessening in severity and frequency. However, i have seen him at his worst and am terrified of him returning there. He doesn't reach the same rock bottom that he did previously. He will drink for a few days, be an obnoxious shit and then stop. dd doesnt ever see him drunk but has seen him hungover.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 21:07

Voldys what advice would ss give me?

OP posts:
Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 21:08

Saxie lovely idea. Ideal worlds hey :)

OP posts:
Original poster
whattdoido · 29/02/2016 21:08

Thanks majestic Flowers

OP posts:
00100001 · 29/02/2016 21:09

Don't lie about the reasons to anyone. You dont have t tell all tk DD, just say to her its a surprise trip and break just you and her for special time. That kind of thing :)

Do tell the school the real reasons.

Do get some help and support.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 29/02/2016 21:14

Why don't you divorce him forever op? He has lapsed several times, how many lapses are you going to go through?

Your life sounds such hard work! You and dd don't have to live this way. You've given your dh many chances, it is surely time to put you and your child first now.

Haffdonga · 29/02/2016 21:15

How incredibly distressing and stressful for you what. Moving out for a break definitely sounds like a good first step. But, I do agree with others that you need to make the step for you and dd and only for you two, not to somehow influence your H to see the error of his ways.

You will need to come to some very definite decisions for yourself about what might happen next and what will you do next. How long will you stay away if he doesn't change? How long does he need to change for in order for you to trust him again? Possibilities are:

  1. DH is bereft when you go and begs forgiveness and promises you he has stopped drinking - this time for ever. So, do you believe him? Do you move straight back in? Will you trust him?

Or

  1. DH tells you you are being ridiculous and you behaving like this is causing him to drink. He needs your help but he will only try to stop if you help him and support him by coming home. So, do you believe him? Do you move back in? Will anything change?

Or

  1. DH drowns his sorrows now you aren't there policing his intake by drastically increasing the amount he's drinking. He refuses to move out as the house is the only hold he has over you but becomes bitter and spiteful. So, do you move back in? Will you force him out through legal action?

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst OP. Good luck Thanks

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 21:18

Really, Stoic does anyone not know alcoholics are such for life? I don't need misguided lectures on addiction, I know how it works. And you've managed to completely miss the point. I never said he stopped being an alcoholic, my point was that he hadn't.

An alcoholic who's been dry for 20 years can reasonably claim to be in active recovery (doesn't mean they won't drink tomorrow though) someone who's only managed a few months cannot. And anyway, he can't now.

BigQueenBee · 29/02/2016 21:26

Dh needs to leave, not you and DD.
Dh needs to be accountable for his behaviour.
I know alcoholism is an illness and I'm not blaming him for his condition, but he needs a wake up call.
All addicts blame others for their addiction; I doubt many people will point the finger of blame on you.
It's called tough love.

Yseulte · 29/02/2016 21:26

CooPie is the one who really has this on the money.

OP is playing games, taking her daughter out of school to try to force him to rock bottom so he stops (for a while) so she doesn't have to leave him. DD shoudn't be brought into this and she certainly shouldn't be missing school.

OP doesn't want school or SS to know because that would mean she'd have leave him.

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