Am I mad to have him back?

[decomm18]

Posted on someone else's thread last week, but now starting my own. Long story, but been married to DH for 28 years, both of us awkward buggers, driven, irritable, high-achievers. I've worked the whole of our marriage, and earned more than him the entire time, which he's hated although never admitted to hating. He's very bright, 1st from Oxford but not in 'useful' subject, I'm academically much weaker but in useful subject so now have gone much further than him. Three kids, all done fine at school, now left and at / headed for uni; two older (sons) are model wonderful boys, but (youngest) daughter just like her dad and very hard to handle / they argued continuously ever since she was about ten, and it caused huge rift between us re management of her.

He's had two affairs over past eight years, both of which I've been semi-aware of but never brought up with him. I wasn't happy about it, but didn't want to upset children by facing up to truth. We've got on OK, with just about the only arguments being about how to manage DD, and a gradually-increasing distance between us. No sex for the past four years, which I've missed. Last July he left us all to move in with OW - who he'd been having affair with for three years, and who (advisedly) is his 'soulmate'. Har har. This coincided with massive building project to allow my mother, 94 and with dementia, to move in with us. We'd been going to rent flat for kids to move into, but with DH moved out, we didn't bother and muddled through. But from the first he kept saying he'd come home at the end of the build, and he valued his relationship with his children, and although OW was his soulmate (har har) he still loved me and valued our relationship enough to try to rekindle it. I'm still stupidly in love with him (in most ways he's still the lovely boy I fell in love with at 23), so went along with this. His was my first boyfriend, I'm now 53 and a fattish greyish uglyish introverted person with zero charisma and very boring with it. I'm not wanting a lonely old age, and have little hope of ever meeting anyone else should DH not return.

The build finished early December, and he didn't come back. It was then going to be after Christmas, then it was going to be the end of january, then the end of February. It's still the end of February, i/e Monday. I'm still saying I want him home, but he's clearly getting cold feet, and is now suggesting this is a 'trial return' (presumably the evil twin of a trial separation).

I'm wanting him home - so do the children, although my DD has this difficult relationship with him, and (apparently) knew about his affairs but didn't feel able to tell me - but am beginning to think I've lost my marbles to even consider it. No matter how many people tell me to tell him to poke off, I can't do it. His lying and faithlessness seem not to bother me nearly so much as picturing a future without him. I behaved very badly indeed in the first ten years we spent together, and he stuck with me. I owe him, big-time, for that. This feels like my chance to stop feeling guilty about what I did and didn't do that first decade of our relationship; and I think I can be happy again with him, if he can only be happy again with me. It does happen sometimes, doesn't it? Views?

He showed his true colours then ? Thank Christ for that. Very timely fall from his pedestal there. What did he do ?

Well done Decomm, he's showing his true self because you didn't go along with his wants and put yourself first for once.
He's having a tantrum because he didn't get his own way.

It does get easier, I promise.
Not straight away - even though my STBX had proven himself to be a complete philandering, dishonest shit who consistently put the needs of his penis/ego ahead of me and our children I still felt gut wrenching emotional pain after I had ended it.
I had a few emotional breakdowns in the weeks following and have had the odd moment where I've been sad at the waste of it all, but ultimately I am better off without him.

I am 7 months on from where you are now and I'm fine - really, really fine.
I actually don't give a toss about him and OW at all now.
I feel stronger, lighter and free - I am the master of my destiny now and it's great.

You will be fine, too.
Stay strong and keep your resolve, you are better without him.

I'm not surprised to learn he hasn't returned as even when channelling Machiavelli I couldn't see how he could possibly sell a 'trial return' to you to his mistress without destroying the illusion that she is his 'soulmate'.

If he had kept his promise, I suspect you might just as well have kept a life-size cardboard cut out of him in the bedroom as you'd get more action from that than you would have got from him.

After you've spoken to your friend, put your mind to sourcing a shit hot lawyer who'll fuck him over protect your financial interests as your unprincipled h won't hesitate to try and get his mitts on more than his fair share of your joint marital assets.

Is coming all over despairing, devastated, even hint of suicidal feelings. So uncharacteristic, I'm almost convinced. But so wrong to put this on DCs any sympathy I might feel overwhelmed by his massive selfishness. Sorry on phone at friends house

yes, not fair at all - but ignore, ignore, ignore - he's feeling sorry for himself that you're not playing his little game any more - it's a toddler tantrum and you know how to deal with those

Urgh, what a tosser he is. sorry he's involving the DC.

Keep him out: your life will be just fine! And the DC too.

OP, have been reading with interest. Chuck the fucker out!

I would treat him with the contempt he deserves. What a horrible thing to do to your son.

Bless you OP. This is great news however. Don't be too certain that he will get 50% of everything if you divorce. Its never clear cut.

Don't believe any of his bullshit. He is so used to having you where he wants you and getting his way. Time to get angry. How dare he treat you like this.

He's got a fucking nerve, being devastated that he chose to leave the marriage and set up with his girlfriend!

Longer update: Am sitting in back row of boring seminar & can type away looking like taking extensive notes ;-). So I decided on Sunday night that he wouldn't be coming back, and told DC who were all fine and listened patiently to me spouting stuff about it being between me and him not him and them. Then I called him, v. short and to point. He was - literally - speechless, and I rang off before he could summon up a sensible response. Half an hour later comes an avalanche of texts and calls, none of which I responded to. Then he started on kids, which was horrible of him. DS1 and DD both took it OK, and although very shocked (this out of character), DS2 was distraught, because in one text DH said something like 'couldn't imagine life without you and your mum a part of it', and DS2 interpreted this suicidal intent. One of his friends from school lost his dad to suicide out of the blue, and DH knows this, so I'm completely furious. I texted DH to tell him to stop it, and told DS2 to not respond, and that I'd deal with his dad. He (DS2) calmed down overnight, and went off and spent yesterday with a friend. DH continued to try to get in touch with me, but laid off the DC, thankfully. I don't know if DH is genuinely as upset as he comes over, but I care enough about him (despite it all) to be worried for his state of mind. So have got RL friend of family to speak to him, and she's invited him over tonight. She can get him to seek professional advice, and tell him to leave me and the children alone until he's able to be calm again. He likes her and she him (not in that way ;-)) so I hope she can talk sense into him and he'll listen.

I'm OK. This stupid drama has taken my mind off a DH-free future, and anger is very energising somehow. Feel I've f*ed up big-time over all of this, but don't honestly see how I could have acted differently. I'm not weak at all in RL - introverted yes, but assertive and able to boss my (mostly male) team around like a - boss. My emotional abilities are less developed however, and that's where I'm weak. No 'sexism vibe', either in our house, not consciously at least. DD is sparky and bold and confident and passionate, and I love her for it. It made for a stormy adolescence, but we got through it. I've succeeded in a massively male-dominated industry, and I'm better than any man - as are the (few) women I work with. I do, as noted, have self-esteem issues, but I feel like a clapped-out old car with a super-powered engine under the bonnet, for anyone interested enough to peer under my bonnet (stop sniggering you lot with dirty minds).

F**k my emotions though, I hate them, and wish I could turn off the hateful love that i STILL feel for DH. I'm not to blame for his behaviour, and I don't blame myself at all. He's the pathetic one, not me. I know this, all of it.

Someone up-thread suggested that my mental health issues could be the crux of the problem; I now think that's right. What I did back in my twenties has cast a very long shadow. I was never treated for my 'issues', having self-diagnosed from psychiatric textbooks, and then they went away of their own accord when having the DC gave me a focus outside of my own hare-brain. But I'm not cured or anything like, and the consequences have been that I've been overly forgiving of DH's bad behaviour because on one level I feel that I deserve to be badly treated because of what I did. Enough is enough however, and I now think that once the dust has settled, I need to find a good psychiatrist - what I don't need in my new DH-free life is a recurrence of what dominated my entire young adulthood, and I'm now sensible enough to seek help to avoid that.

So much thanks to you all for the support, which changed my thinking completely over a very short period. I'll continue to update when there's something worth updating. That's if anyone has read this far through an exceptionally long post!

So was he actually packed up and ready to move back in yesterday?

Who knows? Quite possibly. I'm getting a (very) little pleasure in imagining how he's explaining away his emotional state to his OW.

Although I know that I should be in sisterly solidarity with OW, I'm not, much. He's her problem now. And curse my feelings, I want him to straighten things out and be happy in the end, because otherwise how can he be a good father to our children and not turn into an emotional burden on them?

my goodness, don't have him back!

my mum was in an awful relationship for a while, and apparently (I don't remember saying it) when I was about 18 years old, I said to her 'have some respect for yourself, otherwise I won't have any for you' . .she still says that this was the comment that made her leave.

please have some respect. 2 affairs in 8 years?

sending lots of positive and strong thoughts your way. you sound like a very intelligent woman. its a shame that this man is your weakness.

xxx

What an absolute shit of a man. However, it's probably fairly predictable of him - he does seem to like things his own way, with zero thought or consideration for anyone else.

I expect it's all gone wrong with the OW, so now he's feeling a somewhat out in the cold not having his safety net.

I very much doubt he's made his mistress privy to the act 'emotional state' he exhibited to the dc and yourself, decomm, and I suspect that had you waited until yesterday you would have received an avalanche of texts and calls on the theme of excuses and reasons why he couldn't commence his 'trial return' as planned.

There's nothing quite so satisfying as taking the wind out of a philanderer's sails and you've achieved it with considerable aplomb. Well done you!

You are not required to have any 'sisterly solidarity' with OW - she didn't give two hoots about you.

As Goddess said, you've taken the wind out of his sails - you've regained control of yourself and he wasn't expecting it.
What he's doing now is lashing out and playing the 'poor me' card.
The next stage is getting angry with you and trying to shift the blame for his cheating onto you, then hopefully he will move into accepting that he is no longer a puppet master.

Don't let him write the script for you, you write your own script from now on - you are nobody's puppet, you've cut the strings.

Bloody hell, Decomm18, you've come a really long way. Well done. You're clearly a very strong woman. I'm impressed.

Your h is in a shock now. The safety net that he thought you always were has gone. I can't believe he's trying to manipulate your dcs. What a creep.

As for the ow, you owe her nothing. Not even an acknowledgement of her existence. It's her problem now. What a prize she has. Ignore her.

As for your h, well, let him have hysterics all he likes. I wouldn't even bother with organising any sort of help for him like with your friend. Don't get involved. He has treated you very very badly and he obviously has realised too late what a gem you really are. That's just tough on him. Now it's your turn to really relish life and really go for what you want.

You can still love him. But you can't let yourself be demolished by him. You are far too important for that. You are, I'm afraid, a lot stronger and well, just all round better than him.

Sisterly solidarity?

Fuck that.

You owe the woman that fucked to it husband precisely NOTHING.
Why would you owe her solidarity just because you both have a vagina?
Nope, not seeing the logic there.

Well done OP!

You just know he's telling the OW now that he chose her

Decomm - this may sound patronising (I really don't mean it to) but I'm so proud of you!

I'm so relieved that you've manage to see the wood for the trees, as it were, and come to a decision.

Like I've said before, I really do understand how you still love your H despite everything he's done. Unfortunately, we don't just stop loving someone because they've fucked us over do we? I wish we did in many ways - it would make my current situation so much easier too!

There is absolutely no need to feel any sort of sisterly solidarity with the OW. She wasn't being very sisterly to you when she started fucking your husband was she? I certainly feel no solidarity with "my" OW .

Onwards and upwards.

Good for you

I imagine his tears of regret and loss are very much to do with the realisation that he has lost his soft landing.

"Someone up-thread suggested that my mental health issues could be the crux of the problem; I now think that's right. What I did back in my twenties has cast a very long shadow. I was never treated for my 'issues', having self-diagnosed from psychiatric textbooks, and then they went away of their own accord when having the DC gave me a focus outside of my own hare-brain. But I'm not cured or anything like, and the consequences have been that I've been overly forgiving of DH's bad behaviour because on one level I feel that I deserve to be badly treated because of what I did. Enough is enough however, and I now think that once the dust has settled, I need to find a good psychiatrist - what I don't need in my new DH-free life is a recurrence of what dominated my entire young adulthood, and I'm now sensible enough to seek help to avoid that."

It was me who suggested that your MH issues are the crux of the problem, and I'm so glad you plan to get professional support. I'm sure it will be transformational for you. One place to start could be to address your attitude towards your emotions - I notice you said "F* my emotions" and "curse my feelings". That doesn't seem particularly helpful to me... So a starting point could be to accept your emotions and tell yourself it's ok to feel them. Easier said than do but a professional will be able to help with that! Mindfulness might help too - you could look up MBCT and/or MBSR.

Good luck!

Correction: easier said than done