Men who think they are only worth what they can earn

[Lovetruelove]

Just add your thoughts on this one!

In the last 3 years I have had 2 men ( creative types) who are very talented but don't earn a lot of money saying ( heard through other people) I don't think she would be interested in me as I don't have this and that ect.

I am not materlistic at all so can not see where this is from - is this a common theme with men - 'women only want us for our money?

I think I must be a hippy 😀 Apart from the basics like a roof over your head and food I don't see why money matters? I have been very rich and very poor so feel qualified to make this comment.

If you don't think money matters, I think your "very poor" experience might have been quite relative.

thanks for clarifying aye

i think you're example is a bit off OP because that's someone choosing to work part time despite rarely having money left over - think back to some of the ladies posting on here about how they don't want to subsidise someone in retirement or have to work longer. i don't think the guy is less of a person, he sounds nice and chilled and fair play to his choices and the balance he has BUT i can understand someone who has lived differently, worked hard to save for later in life, wants to travel in retirement or be able to leave the house to their children/grandchildren etc being put off of man a who they would either have to carry or not be able to share the same life quality.

Cabrinha - no - think dangerous bedsit in a house that had drug addicts and only being able to afford toast everyday ( a long time ago) - I am only talking about moderate income versus high income here. I am not saying I would like to live like that again.

Badger - I think we are all different which is a good thing.

true and the guys who feel this way may do so because the women they happen to be attracted to and would want to attract are exactly the women who would be put off by their circumstances. they may ironically be perfectly happy with their own choices and preferences that have led to their financial lack or subsistence yet be attracted to women who are go getters and dynamic and yada yada yada which tends to mean sorry, those women are also looking for men who exhibit those things.

tastes can be pretty perverse ime

I think attitude to money and shared goals are important. DP and I have that even though he has a passion for his job and I am very much motivated by my paycheck

Yes things change - ill health, redundancy, caring responsibilities etc. and once committed to each other you have to adapt (or at the very least you ought to try).

I think that's very different to setting out your stall when looking for a partner / at the start of a relationship. So for me, OP, I probably would be disinclined to start a relationship with someone in a low to average wage if I was starting over again. That presupposes that I don't know them well, we're of an ages - I suppose it might be different if you were friends or he was a bit younger.

CheersMedea just out of interest - you write that 'I wanted to be sure that IF I chose to give up work, that would be an option for me financially' and also that you only expect what you offer yourself.

If your DH decides to give up work, is that an option for him as well?

As for the topic of this thread, there are a lot of men who think money is the most important thing about them.

When I was single, a friend introduced me to 2 other friends of his. Asked what I thought later. I said I much preferred guy A. My friend was shocked - 'Really??? But guy B earns a lot of money!'

(friend himself only chases after gold digger types, whom he tries to impress with his cars, yacht and rolex, and does not seem to make the connection between this and 'women only wanting money')

AyeAmarok Yes i did know she was on a very good whack other lifestyle things she said more then indicated that but no matter.

We had the reference to the single poor bloke who pays his bills on time to the banker wanker who lit his cigars with 20 pound notes, yes i have seen them do that!

FWIW if she had been say a single mum who against the odds had struggled to bring up children by herself, if she was the one who just enjoyed fish 'n chips then I'd have probably taken her somewhere different but having said that I'd have lot of respect and time for a woman who had done that, and if it were the expensive place would have let her know that in no way would i have expected her to have paid anything but the intention in that instance would have been to have spoilt her rotten as in my book she'd have deserved that:-)

OK. I find all that a bit creepy TBH, but each to their own! I know some folk like all that spoiling like a princess stuff.

Re: Person A and Person B, I don't think it's a clear cut as that.

As for "people" saying get a job etc, I think whatever anyone does (whether you're a banker or a shopworker or the Duchess of Cambridge ) there will always be judgement and unsolicited advice, the trick is to just ignore it and find better social circles. I do think it's worth getting a job you love and are challenged by for YOURSELF though, not just to get dates?

I am sure we all know "person A" types who have great relationships with attratictive women.

But then they go for women who are similar age/education level/physical attractiveness level? Within their actual peer group? Women who reciprocate their affections?

Most male acquaintances I know who claim not to get a woman because they are "too nice"/women are all golddigging bitches who only want six-packs (or even claim it's down to race or similar) are a bit deluded in terms of what they think they can attract - they claim women are shallow but they themselves only chase after childless size eight younger than them types.

They take some nineteen year old Brazilian waitress (or someone they have nothing in common with intellectually) out to dinner and then "golddigger shame her" if she doesn't want to pursue a serious relationship with them.

And also, dating is a free market? We don't live in Saudi Arabia.

People can go out with who they want. Long term, there'd be advantages and disadvantages to either option.

I also agree with the points about retirement etc.

Again, not actually to do with salary, more to do with good planning and living within ones means, but no forward thinking/bad financial management/debts would be a red flag.

That would depend on why someone was in debt.

If it was a situation where they were on minimum wage and had to use a credit card to pay e.g. the gas bill and had racked up a bit of debt that way it cant be helped.

If they were in debt from calling sex chatlines then no fucking way.

My DH has severe emphysema and is retired. Hes 23 years my senior. I am unable to work due to caring for him.

Several years from now i have no doubt that i will be judged quite harshly should i be stupid enough to enter the dating world again.

I would NEVER internet date. NEVER!

Justaboy I am a single mother, and I don't struggle financially, although it sounds like in relative terms I have less income than you. If you took me to an expensive restaurant on an early date to "treat me because I deserved it" because of that stereotype I'd feel unimpressed and patronised Euuuuuchhh a creepy!

If you want to date a woman who likes both fine dining and just fish and chips, just stick it in your OLD profile and stick to doing the fish and chips in early dates to weed out those who are really only after the expensive restaurants.

I'm dipping out of the restaurant conversation- I do eat out but could take it or leave it and find it a bit cringey having people run around me whose feet are aching and just can't wait to get home😀

That's a personal feeling - not an insult to anyone who does eat out - I'm hiding under the table now

I think that not having enough money would be a miserable existence. But what enough money is boils down to individual opinion. So you need to have similar attitudes to earning and money. DH and I have had periods of time where one of us has earned more than the other, it will probably even out. It is more important that we agree on lifestyle and that this is attainable. Plus both of you need top contribute in your own way, including being sahp.

I honestly can't remember who paid on our first date, personally I don't see it as that important

Lovetruelove I'm laughing at you seeing eating out as an ethical issue re tired feet

Cabrinha

Helenadove - you are doing a great job and yes many won't notice that - but the one who does will be the right one for you

There's a difference for me, between someone who works full time in a role that happens to be low paid/a disabled person/a retiree, and a pipe-dreamer who sits around "making music" or writing/drawing stuff that no one reads/buys, whilst the unfortunate partner grafts full time and tax credits prop them up. The girlfriend of someone like that once declared to me that "there's actually no inherent value in paid employment". She was obsessed with this greasy guitar-strummer and had lost all sense of perspective. These sorts of men can often be very persuasive.

There are other reasons that a fish and chips or coffee and cake date arent feasible for some.

If i was dating this would not be doable for me. I used to be a size 28 and have lost 10 stone and am a size 12/14.

So a restaurant with healthy choices would be better for me. It wouldnt have to be high end ....just somewhere that served healthy food.

I would not be prepared to do the fish and chips thing because ive worked too bloody hard!

Even if i did it just the once (which i bloody wouldnt) that would mean i would have to watch what i eat for the rest of the bloody month. And the man might not be worth all that worry and going through that.

From what ive read and seen on here too many men on the dating scene expect you to eat chips etc and still expect you to remain a size 12.

Well fellas....guess what you cant have it both ways.

However i didnt do it for a man .....i did it for me.

But next time you are on a date with a woman you havent got to know yet just bear in mind there is a reason she might seem picky about food. She may have worked just as bloody hard as i did to lose weight or she may be someone that gains weight easily.

So men who are dating need to stop thinking a woman is miserable or a gold digger if she wont do fish and chips!

Ok you've all beaten me down - they are both just users after my house and money

Although one of them does hate football which is +++++ points from me

Cabrinha I would hope you would find that a bit creepy or misunderstood, What the real point, probably not put by me too well is that lady 1 who has and i know she has, had a rather gilded lifestyle, public school education daddy got her the job, never seemed to have had any adversity never been abandoned by abusive man, had to cope being a single mum, family always had money in abundance etc etc.

Now lady 2 who has been through the mill, worked hard for what shes got, coped very well bringing up the children single handed is proud of what's shes done etc etc.

Now which one do you think I have a ton of respect and admiration for?

So you are dismissive of woman 1 and appreciate of woman 2 for (largely) material reasons.
Yet the way you think you can show that appreciation is via an expensive dinner... do you see the disconnect?

Woman 1 is the person who wouldn't chip in for the £240.

But it sounds like Woman 2 is a theoretical comparison?

Because it sounds a bit like you're putting the idea of the second on a pedestal.

Life is not a Catherine Cookdon novel.

You do realise that a lot of struggling single mums are arseholes, right?

And gilded life... Just makes me think of the phrase gilded cage. I daresay both women have had their own issues.

I stick to my previous advice - if you want a woman that likes low key fish and chips on the pier, go on fish and chips on the pier dates.

scarlets - I have a friend in exactly that kind of relationship. She pays the mortgage, bills, everything. Does all housework and the childcare for their 2 DC. His band is just about to make it, see. He's 40 and band has been 'just about to make it' for the past 20 years. I think she enjoys being a martyr and complaining though, I have no other explanation. But this type of 'artists' are definitely not for me.