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Original poster

Men who think they are only worth what they can earn

178 replies

Lovetruelove · 25/02/2016 19:51

Just add your thoughts on this one!

In the last 3 years I have had 2 men ( creative types) who are very talented but don't earn a lot of money saying ( heard through other people) I don't think she would be interested in me as I don't have this and that ect.

I am not materlistic at all so can not see where this is from - is this a common theme with men - 'women only want us for our money?

OP posts:
VoyageOfDad · 26/02/2016 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 15:58

Seoul- whilst trying not to provide too much info to out myself, yes to begin with I did this due to very poor health and then that of my kids ( bad luck I guess) so had to work part-time. I think this maybe where the assumption that I like men with money comes from. Although one of them should know better as knows my history - the other however thinks he knows me but has no idea! And yes I don't like spongers either, just not put off men with a low wage 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 16:53

True about beauty - maybe it's all as old as the hills - the differences between men and women? It will never be solved 😀I'm off now - feel free to continue! You are all so amazing.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LisaMumsnet · 26/02/2016 17:10

I have always held strong views about who pays on dates - you both do! So it's great to hear I'm not alone in this as many people seem to think that's odd. If you like someone enough to give up an evening to go on a date with them, you need to like them enough to pay your share. That way no one's paid for the other person's time - it sets up an equal relationship (which surely both parties would benefit from) from the word go. I married a penniless student with a work ethic and he now earns more than me. I would never judge someone on how much they earn, but I would look at how they spent their money and what they expected me to pay for.

AyeAmarok · 26/02/2016 17:20

It's not the having money that I look for, it's the attitude to money.

High or low earner, I want someone who is sensible and stands on their own two feet. Not someone who is supported by the state, debt, credit cards, monthly overdraft or mummy and daddy. (illness and disability aside, of course).

None of those illustrate attractive qualities in anyone (male or female), nevermind a LT partner.

BeaufortBelle · 26/02/2016 17:33

When I met DH and we were late 20s he had nothing and was struggling so much to make ends,meet he was contemplating giving up his dream. I had a house 80% equity, and a very healthy salary. He was good, kind and decent and I supported him through those two difficult years.

27 years on with a very comfortable life, if anything happened to him if I were to get involved with someone else and I don't think I would, I think I'd be looking for some substance from a man of my age. What DH and I have built is ringfenced for the children, not for the comfort of a man who can bring nothing to the table.

I'm sorry if that sounds mercenary.

Justaboy · 26/02/2016 22:35

Cabrinha 120 odd a head?, well it was a nice place and she wanted to go there so.. Tipping?, yep i suppose i have a soft spot for waitresses as my dear old mum was one for many years. Its just the tightwad principle I think, it was supposed to have changed dating etiquette these days what with modern femininity and all that Yes/No/Maybe update me please?.

Original poster
Lovetruelove · 26/02/2016 22:41

Justaboy - I'm supposed to be off here now hehe - but had to answer - I tip if I can as have been a waitress - and I like to brighten someone's day in a small way if I can.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 26/02/2016 22:51

Bloody hell Just a boy....i certainly couldnt afford you and neither could the other women in my friendship circle.

Justaboy · 26/02/2016 22:55

Lovetruelove Aww, thats good of you:-) I think that everyone ought to do that job to see what the public can be like then they might treat such staff a bit better!

Justaboy · 26/02/2016 23:02

HelenaDove I'll have you know I can't be bought just like that!. Nope, it wasn't quite that simple. I know this lady worked in a merchant bank in a position where she would be on getting on for a £100 grand a year.

I would not expect a woman on the average wage to have paid that sort of bill or anywhere near it, Christ there are women here who have to support families on that a week, so it wasn't just that.

HelenaDove · 26/02/2016 23:19

oh i do realize that. And on 100 thou a year she could have offered at the very least.

AyeAmarok · 26/02/2016 23:20

Just, if a man suggested we go to a restaurant and it cost 120 quid each, then to be fair, I'd expect him to pay for it all. Because that's pretty ridiculous and it's a showy-off thing to do. So if you're going to show off, then you best do it properly and pick up the full bill.

I would reciprocate the next date and pick up the full bill at a place I deemed to be a reasonable price for me.

To pick a place at that price is incredibly vulgar for a first date if you're expecting the other person to pay. Whether that person works in a bank or not is irrelevant.

Justaboy · 26/02/2016 23:39

AyeAmarok As above it wasn't the actual paying for it she could have very easily done that, it was the offer to split the bill or tip the waiting staff that was I suppose the principle. I just don't like mean or tight people.

And no way would i have expected most anyone to pay that sort of tab it would embarrass them and me too unless we had an explicit understanding of where were were going and what we were doing etc.

I'm not that insensitive!

TheHoneyBadger · 27/02/2016 07:40

aye interesting to hear that i'm unattractive as a person let alone a LT partner because working tax credit is an integral part of my income Grin charming!

justaboy did say that the lady in question had wanted to go to that restaurant so i don't think it was a vulgar show off display on his part.

i've ended one relationship in recent years over financial stuff. NOT that he didn't have a lot of money but that he was utterly feckless with organising himself financially and prioritising to the point where he rented out flats and lived off a fairly good income from them but when someone left unexpectedly wasn't able to give them back the deposit on time because he hadn't left it, or seemingly any money, aside but literally spent it all as it came without a thought for things.

as someone who has supported myself (not according to aye, i'm unattractively dependent on the state Wink ) and raised a child on my own the idea of a grown man being so financially incontinent was difficult to respect and therefore to retain attraction to - it died. i felt i would be pushed into a mummy like position of having to control and manage all finances and i already have a child.

ittooshallpass · 27/02/2016 08:22

It's all about a person's attitude to money.

My ex is my ex as he proved himself to be a complete and utter cock lodger.

I don't expect anyone to pay for me and have actually never had a man pay for my dinner. They have never offered!

My assumption has always been that if we're both working, we both pay.

I guess the inequality lies when maternity leave kicks in. That is when IMO and IME that a woman is at her most vulnerable. It is also where the attitude to money has to be the same.

My ex carried on expecting me to pick up the tab... After all I was the breadwinner. Except I wasn't, because I was on maternity leave.

His total disregard to the need to work together to spend less so I could spend more time at home with our baby was breathtaking.

I will NEVER forgive him for buying all his mates tickets to the rugby on my credit card leaving us short for the mortgage payment when I was on maternity leave.

I ended up having to go back to work earlier just to keep the roof over our heads.

His assumption that I would always pick up the tab because I earned more was appalling. But I guess my assumption that he would curb his spending while I was on reduced pay was naive!

His financial behaviour when I was on mat leave was an eye opener. This post is long enough already to bore you with the details, but I totally lost respect for him and it was the beginning of the end.

So yes, I do now look for a partner who can show me he can manage his money.

Friends call me a job snob, but when you have suffered FA it's impossible not to be.

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 08:40

Honey I was talking about single childless men when I put that state bit in as an afterthought. I see that wasn't clear though. Apologies!

Cabrinha · 27/02/2016 08:40

Justaboy I always go halves on a first date, unless as I said earlier it's the excuse to say "I'm paying next time" and meaning that.

But - plenty of women see it as "you asked me, you pay", on a first date.

£120 sounds a lot of money to most people reading - but if she's on £100K+ and you suggested going there, then I think it's fair to say that the £120 is relatively not as much to her.

I don't think anything of taking my boyfriend to a place at £30 a head, my sister counts her pennies before going for fish and chips.

If £120 is a small part of your income, and hers, then it's no more outrageous to expect you to pay than it would be for a date to be comfortable with me paying £10 for their cinema ticket. I think unfair of you to mention £240 bills but not her salary. £120 just isn't as much to her.

I do think she should have split it, but I judge her for not splitting it only in principle. For the £120, I judge her no more than the low earner who expects the man to cover the £10 on 3 drinks for her.

You say you like the idea of a woman who'll sit on the hillside eating fish and chips - well, you're more likely to find her if that's the date you suggest.

The tipping - who knows. As I say, I only tip for exceptional service, I expect good service. Also, if a man was taking me out and paying (hard to imagine given my stance - but let's say my boyfriend on my birthday) then actually I wouldn't expect to cover the tip. If you were taking her out and the expected deal between the two of you was that it was your date, your treat - then that should include you paying the tip.

Original poster
Lovetruelove · 27/02/2016 09:00

Interesting and varied comments but feel I need to redefine this thread.

2 men both 45 let's say.

Person A - He lives In the countryside with his dog becuase he likes living there. He rents- he has no equity in a house. He works part-time but always pays his rent and bills on time. He also let's say is creative and that brings in extra money. He rarely has lots of money left over. Becuase he works part-time he can often pop in and help his elderly dad who lives on his own. He is popular and a nice guy.

Person B - He is a city banker but a bit of a w......... He earns 120k a year but works long hours hardly ever sees his family. He has a huge house, nice car people think he's a nice chap with all that money. His mum is in a care home but does not have time to visit her - maybe once a year.

Person A thinks he is less of a person becuase he does not earn what person B earns. People ask him - when are you going to get your life together and get a proper house and job?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 09:03

We don't know she was on 100k, Just is assuming based on the position she said she had (although we know people lie a lot on OLD!),and we also don't know what other financial commitments she had and whether 120 plus big tip was quite a lot to her, especially if she wasn't particularly impressed by the food.

I just think if you're going to go somewhere like that on an early date then you should pay for it. Don't presume that someone you don't know is happy or able to drop three figures on a dinner!

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 09:03

We don't know she was on 100k, Just is assuming based on the position she said she had (although we know people lie a lot on OLD!),and we also don't know what other financial commitments she had and whether 120 plus big tip was quite a lot to her, especially if she wasn't particularly impressed by the food.

I just think if you're going to go somewhere like that on an early date then you should pay for it. Don't presume that someone you don't know is happy or able to drop three figures on a dinner!

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 09:04

We don't know she was on 100k, Just is assuming based on the position she said she had (although we know people lie a lot on OLD!),and we also don't know what other financial commitments she had and whether 120 plus big tip was quite a lot to her, especially if she wasn't particularly impressed by the food.

I just think if you're going to go somewhere like that on an early date then you should pay for it. Don't presume that someone you don't know is happy or able to drop three figures on a dinner!

MissAlabamaWhitman · 27/02/2016 09:12

My partner is a sahd and was a student when we met
I'm the breadwinner and I'd never choose to be in a relationship where my partner earned more than me.

I value my financial independence more than almost anything else.

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 09:14

Sorry for all the duplicate posts Blush My Internet is on the blink.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 27/02/2016 09:28

DH were both penniless when we started (we both come from well off families but were determined to make it on our own, we felt we are privileged enough already) and both now earn well (annoyingly DH earns high six figures so more than me but I'm catching up). I've been fortunate that there wasn't a huge mismatch between us at any point. I think a big gap in income can be safely manoeuvred, but it's not easy.