Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
iwuddarryl · 26/02/2016 19:55

You sound very 'surrendered wife'
Its all ''maybe I should let him have his little fling, poor dear needs to get it out of his system''

Sorry to be harsh but your attitude is a bit wishy washy.

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 21:15

Running club isn't really a club as such, it's a timed run twice a week, one weekday evening and Saturday morning. I would say that as he goes out on foot in his running gear and comes back looking like he has done a 10k then yes, he is going to running club.

I know what I sound like. I realise I am pathetic. But overwhelmingly our life is pretty good and the thought that something might be lurking to spoil it all just breaks my heart.

OP posts:
iwuddarryl · 26/02/2016 21:24

He could be doing 5K, stop at OW house for a break and then do the other 5k. (cheats are sneaky, they have to be)

Sorry, but I'm not as nice as you Carson.
don't stop being nice Flowers

Hope it all works out alright. You need to bite the bullet and just ask him. It will put your mind at rest, hopefully.

LeaLeander · 26/02/2016 21:37

I don't think people should be so mean to the OP. She is trying to work out what is the best approach for herself and her family.

Very, very few marriages are 100 percent about "true love," most come about and endure due to an amalgam of romance, pragmatism, economic or legal needs (visas, etc.), fear of being alone, family or social pressure, etc. etc. It's pretty obnoxious for people to tell this woman that she is "in the 1950s" or otherwise in the wrong just because her combination of reasons for being/staying married might not jive with one's own.

Good luck, Carson. Keep us posted.

dilys4trevor · 26/02/2016 21:51

My exH was having an affair and when he finally admitted it (caught, obviously) I was astonished it had been sexual. I had thought there as no opportunity for that.

The only time he used to be away from us at the weekends was when he went cycling for a few hours at a time. Yep, he had cycled round to her house and shagged her. She didn't live close by so he must have gone round, fucked her and literally come straight home again. Gross. So, running club can be running but it can take in her house as well. I had no idea at all.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/02/2016 22:06

Ask him if he enjoyed Deadpool. His reaction will tell you everything - you don't need to sit him down and lecture him, just casually ask. If it's meant to be a secret, if he's hiding something, he'll want to know how you found out. If it's not, he'll answer you and presume he mentioned it at some point.

Regardless, you know that your husband is talking to someone local who has shared a great deal of knowledge about things like taxi costs and restaurant menus. You know that he is not telling you everything. You know that he's happier than usual.

Don't lie to yourself saying he's too busy, or Deadpool is a man's film, or it's too new to know anyone here yet. He does. Whether innocently or not, he knows people and has time to talk to them, because he knows local information. He has people to go out with until midnight when you're not around.

It's totally okay to decide to approach this in your own time, or to not approach it all, if that's what you want to do. But lying to yourself will drive you mad. It stops you sleeping, it stops the pieces fitting, because you're desperately convincing yourself that things fit when your brain knows that they don't.

It's a bit weird, regardless, to go to the cinema on your own and then keep it a secret. Most people would mention the film, or that they'd been, it would just come up in day-to-day conversation. It's more weird to not mention it if you're asked what you did that day. He mentioned going into town so you knew he wasn't working... so why not mention the cinema? For some reason, he doesn't want you to know. That could be that he's taken someone that he doesn't want you to know about or thinks you wouldn't approve of, or that he took one of the kids when they were supposed to be at school, or that he has another reason for going alone - a friend used to go to the cinema to cry so nobody would see her, for example, although it's unlikely to be that if he seems happier in general. He could even just have taken a new colleague to start a friendship, although again, I'd wonder why he hadn't mentioned it if you're not the jealous type.

AmserGwin · 28/02/2016 09:42

Why don't you suggest going to the cinema to see Deadpool? If he pretends he hasn't seen it,you know he's lying then it gives you more time to dig without accusing him

CarsonTheButler · 28/02/2016 22:49

Located DH's coat, tickets still in pocket, yes tickets- there were two of them. Sadly no receipt as I hoped. Waited til kids were in bed then actually asked him about them. What do you know- he has a friend. A woman, of course. DH stressed that they were "just friends" about 25 times and when I asked why he hadn't told me about here before he said he had met her when I was away and he had "forgotten" and that after the first couple of times they had seen each other, she was away for two months (when he says he met her coincides with the two nights out til the early hours but I didn't let on DD had told me about that). Apparently since she got back they have been out for coffee once or twice and then to the movies last week. I asked him why he hadn't mentioned this and he said he didn't know.

I think I believe him about there being nothing between them but of course I am greatly upset he didn't tell me. I don't have a problem with him having friends, we've always both had our own friends, it's that he didn't feel he could tell me.

He's gone off to another city on a work trip (as planned) now and won't be back til Friday. His PC is here as always and I don't want to start going through his e mails etc but I did check his Facebook friends list (from my account) and there doesn't appear to be anyone new I don't know on there.

Still feeling pretty miffed though

OP posts:
peaceoftheaction · 28/02/2016 23:03

Sad sorry to hear that OP. Did he say how he met her? and what happens next is he going to introduce you?

CarsonTheButler · 28/02/2016 23:08

Yeah, DH said we should "all get together" (she is married too, they are also expats). He met her in the local coffee shop he goes to every day and they started talking because he heard her accent. It all did sound plausible, even the bit about ducking into the movies because it was raining. Either he can lie with a very straight face or he is telling the truth. Having known DH for 20 years, I think it's the latter.

OP posts:
Secretlove · 28/02/2016 23:08

Oh a new 'friend' that he forgot to tell you about, even on the day they went to the cinema together. There is no way I would be happy about that. An affair is brewing. Do not be cool about it.

Secretlove · 28/02/2016 23:11

Why is he socialising during his working day without telling you? I would not be giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Main concern is he hasn't told you, it's a secret. When would you have known if you hadn't seen the tickets?

inyurdreams · 28/02/2016 23:26

Cosy chats in coffee shops? Ducking into cinemas out of the rain, in the middle of the afternoon?
Despite what he says, it's all very romantic wouldn't you say?

Also, unless you had confronted him, he would more than likely have kept this 'friendship' secret.

He's a married man who is spending a lot of intimate time with another woman who is not his wife.

Don't let him fob you off with all this just friends bullshit. Even if he isn't sleeping with her yet highly unlikely he soon will be.

CarsonTheButler · 28/02/2016 23:40

DH said he's seen her 4 or 5 times total. I believe him, the way the dates work out he couldn't have seen her many more times than that anyway. He doesn't seem to know a lot about her really. I don't know why he didn't tell me about her til I asked, maybe he didn't really think it was important. He was pretty forthcoming when I asked about the tickets then about her. Didn't sound like he was hiding anything.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 23:40

Go through his laptop.

Now.

Right now.

inyurdreams · 28/02/2016 23:44

As I said before, you are too nice.
He knows this and is using it against you Sad

Sallystyle · 28/02/2016 23:46

I would bet my last penny on the fact that he is having an affair, even if it is 'just' an emotional one right now.

He lied about what he had done that day and he forgot to mention a new friend. It says it all. I'm sorry OP, you would be a fool to believe him.

I just need to comment on this

I was gobsmacked by this statement! Have you any idea how that makes you look?

This was posted in reference to OP not really wanting to know if he is having an affair. Well, to me it makes her look like a woman who knows her life is about to be turned upside down and just for a while she wanted to bury her head in the sand. It's ok to take time with these things, it's ok to have a moment of not wanting to know because you are scared of the truth, that is all normal. This is OP's life, not a soap opera and some the replies here were pretty stupid. I completely understand why someone who would have to uproot their lives and the lives of their children again would feel like they would rather not know for a while. No need to judge the way she is dealing with this, give the OP time.

I'm sorry OP you are going through this Thanks

inyurdreams · 28/02/2016 23:47

And do what sothathappened suggests
Don't over think things and try to make excuses for his behaviour.
Time to find out the truth.

Sallystyle · 28/02/2016 23:49

It doesn't matter how many times he has seen her really does it?

Like I said, I understand you don't want to face this right now but hopefully in time you will feel strong enough to do so. People who don't know a lot about someone don't usually go out for coffee and the cinema unless there is an attraction. Friendships are usually built up gradually.

PickledCauliflower · 28/02/2016 23:53

I am sorry but this does look suspicious.

I would have to do one of two things:
Ask him outright who he went to the cinema - or keep quiet for a while so I could snoop for further evidence.
I hope he has an innocent explanation, but it looks odd.

PickledCauliflower · 28/02/2016 23:55

Oh I'm sorry - I posted after only read the first page of the thread.

I think you know what is happening here, and I am sorry.

pumpkinmoon1 · 29/02/2016 00:04

He's hidden it for a reason. If it was innocent he would have told you, especially since you asked what he did that day. Instead, he blatantly lied about it. And then getting in at past midnight when he had been with her and not even telling you be has been out? I wonder if her husband knows about her new friend.

I am sorry OP. This must be awful for you, but I think you need to do more digging and get more information.

CarsonTheButler · 29/02/2016 00:08

He went to the movies with her, he admitted it straight away. He didn't sound like he was trying to hide anything (I know, I know) and he answered all my questions about her without sounding shifty or evasive.

DH said he didn't mention her when he first met her because I was away and by the time I got back he had forgotten. Then she only came back to town a couple of weeks ago. Says he doesn't know her phone number. As he isn't a big fan of phones at the best of times (he prefers Facebook or What'sapp to actual talking) I believe him.

DH's PC is here but I want to look at it less than I wanted to talk to him about the tickets.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 29/02/2016 00:11

I have had a lucky escape from insular expat life and now we are in fully integrated expat life. I don't think your DH is having an affair. I think the other wife is lonely and trying her luck. Your DH is probably at best oblivious to it or flattered by the attention. Either way set up a dinner with the other couple. Keep quiet and let the wife's DH sort her out. Your DH is probably fresh meat. Hate to say it but there always seems to be a wife like this.

SoThatHappened · 29/02/2016 00:17

Says he doesn't know her phone number. As he isn't a big fan of phones at the best of times (he prefers Facebook or What'sapp to actual talking)

But you cant use whatsapp without the persons phone number.