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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
Belikethat · 16/03/2016 08:38

brambly I cannot see the point you are making at all. Those doubting the thread are out of order (only 2 posters I think) but I can't see any aggression or vile comments at all.

dilys4trevor · 16/03/2016 11:46

There have been some comments that are verging on making a vulnerable OP in turmoil feel weak or pathetic, and some language that isn't great e.g. 'your DH has got it bad.' And a few uses of the Hmm and Confused emoticons earlier which felt patronising.

But most of these were at the start and these people seem to have fallen away thankfully. 95% of it has been supportive, if direct.

I wish I'd come on here in the week after discovering my H's grubby affair. I kicked him out and changed the locks for much needed space but I had begun to waver and he was so obviously still lying that I wish I'd come on here and saved some energy wondering if he was sincere. He wasn't.

So overall, it's tough love but worth hearing. But yes, if you scanned this whole thread and happened to zoom in on a couple of posts.... I can see how Bramly might think that.

The OP though has been appreciative and lovely about every post. I think she's amazing and deserves so much more than her rubbish weak husband

Helmetbymidnight · 16/03/2016 12:04

I was the one who said dh has got it bad- and I haven't fallen away Smile I also called him a twat. Apologies if this (despite being true) caused offence.

Hope you are ok, Carson. We may disagree with each other but we are all on your side. Hope things are becoming clearer and you are feeling stronger.

dilys4trevor · 16/03/2016 12:36

He is indeed a twat. Nothing offensive about that. Smile

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 16/03/2016 16:07

OP, I have never been in your position,

Many others, including myself have. You may think the advice is too direct, but I'm sure many of us would have benefited from a kick up the bum reality check. It's too easy to minimise.

blindsider · 16/03/2016 17:04

Carson hasn't requested the kid glove treatment and all the messages seem to be with her best interest at heart even if some of the advice is batshit crazy.

For those that think this is made up what about this , heartfelt and tragic tale do you think is a troll. It must be hard to be in your heads on a day to day basis.

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 16/03/2016 17:36

I'm not upset about people on here not believing me. At the time those messages popped up I was just feeling really, really low and on top of everything, I just felt it was better to walk away from this for now. It wasn't meant to be a flounce. On top of this, I have also had to deal with a truly horrible situation at work. To say it hasn't been the best of months would be a terrific understatement.

I think I've tried to make it clear that whilst some of these messages have indeed made me feel hurt, it isn't the messages themselves or the posters who that have done that- rather that I have known full well what's in the messages, how ever much I don't want to believe it, is probably true.

I am trying to arrange for my sister to come over soon so at least I have some RL support, as recommended here. If she can get the time off work, she could be here as early as next week, which would be wonderful.

OP posts:
iwuddarryl · 16/03/2016 17:42

Carson, you have handled everything wonderfully, despite some harsh 'pulling no punches' advice you have received from some of us posters (myself included)

I'm pleased to hear you will be getting RL support as well.

Everybody on here wishes you well, even though it doesn't seem that way at times. Flowers

Buzzardbird · 16/03/2016 17:45

I hope you have at least found some comfort from some of the posters on here OP.

You have an awful lot to get your head around at the moment. There is no rush.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/03/2016 18:39

Oh Carson it's good to "see" you. I do hope your sister can get to you

Emptynestx2 · 16/03/2016 19:17

I hope your sister can get to see you very soon too. Stay strong, you're doing well.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 16/03/2016 22:20

Glad your sister is coming.rl support is just the ticket now...

seeyouinthetreehouse · 19/03/2016 18:13

Thinking of you OP. Hope your sister is there Flowers

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 20/03/2016 18:54

Thank you. Sister arriving on Wednesday. Obviously very much looking forward to her visit but also worried that telling someone in RL will make it all so real. Sounds weird, I know.

OP posts:
LonestarStateOfMind · 20/03/2016 19:15

Oh Carson, so good to hear your sister is on her way to you. Try not to worry too much about telling her, it is important you let it all out, especially to someone who knows you, it will probably make things seem clearer and I imagine you will feel a sense of relief after. Does she have any idea about what is happening?

Just to add, you sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve any of this Flowers

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 20/03/2016 19:41

I've told my sis that me and DH have been having some problems and that it would be lovely to see her but she doesn't know any details. Bless her heart, she knew I wouldn't ask her to come over at such short notice if I didn't need her but she didn't press me as to exactly what it was. She made sure none of us were ill and then didn't ask any more.

DD knows I have been upset about something (she has no idea it's anything to do with her dad) and had apparently told my sister I am going through the menopause(!)

Sis has an excellent relationship with my DH. She was only 15 when I met him and they have always been close, even since we moved away. Therefore am not looking forward to telling her that the man she looks up to has been a total shit to me and DCs.

OP posts:
KiwiJude · 20/03/2016 20:22

So glad your sister will be here soon Carson. Having someone in RL will make such a difference.

LonestarStateOfMind · 20/03/2016 20:25

Well it won't be you ruining their close relationship, he has done that. I think it's about time it all got real for your H.

Whendoigetadayoff · 20/03/2016 20:38

Saw your first post a couple of weeks ago no just caught up now Carson. I'm so so sorry for you and really hope your sister will help. Just being able to talk and cry and rage and get a hug will be a help I'm sure. You seem to be handling things normally. Don't listen to people here going on about how you should feel/react. You're going through YOUR emotional responses not anyone else's.
Some people here given good advice. Some are just stupid and thoughtless in responses. Very like RL then.
Ive no advice other than listen to your heart AND your gut. Don't do anything you don't want to or doesn't feel right for you and kids.
I really hope your H is having mid life crisis sees sense and asks forgiveness and does everything you need to get back on track. If not I hope you make the right decisions and you get support you need on MN and in RL. Must be hard all this happening whilst you're in new place without network of support.
Lots of love to you.

Joysmum · 22/03/2016 10:38

It's so close to your sister coming. I'm sure talking through things in real life with someone who values you is going to be just what you need Flowers

shoeaddict83 · 23/03/2016 08:52

Your sister arrives today doesnt she Carson? I hope shes a huge source of comfort to you and you are able to let this all out in RL. Best wishes for today Flowers

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 23/03/2016 10:54

Thank you all. Sister is currently in-flight and I am picking her up this afternoon. Cannot wait to see her.

Nothing to report regarding DH and OW. If he has seen her, I don't know about it. His big boss was in town all last week so no chance then and DS came home from school with a bug on Monday and been in DH's care during the day this week. Still checking the e mails Blush and nothing since before their last meeting. I know all that means nothing, though.

You've all been so lovely to me. Thank you.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 23/03/2016 11:36

So glad your sister is nearly there.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 23/03/2016 13:23

Glad you are as OK as possible Carson...

Shopaholic84 · 23/03/2016 14:00

Flowers for you OP.

I sincerely hope your DH realises what an utter tool he's been and has no more contact with OW.

I hope you have a good weekend with your sister