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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 15:12

Not saying Deadpool is a man's film but if DH is indeed trying to get a woman's attention, I am not sure that's the film he'd suggest to further along his cause. Or perhaps that's just bollocks I have made up in my head to try and make myself feel better.

I'm not going to say anything to him now. He's away on a business trip from Sunday so I will get through the weekend and have those few days to think if I'm going to talk to him about it and what I am going to say to him if I decide to. If he is seeing someone, it isn't some big love affair as there hasn't been the time for that to develop, so maybe things aren't as bad as they could be. My main concern is and always has been DCs who need a stable environment at the moment as they'll be doing their exams in the next few years. It's one of the reasons we moved here and certainly to this particular town. They are very happy here and things are going well for them at school and if putting up with DH being a dick for a while is the price I have to pay for them to be contented and set them up for the future then I am happy to do that.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2016 15:20

I doubt very much that scenario happened Exasperated.

"Some days he is also the font of all knowledge about local stuff- how much an Uber is to the airport it a bus ticket into the city, a particular restaurant we have never been to's new menu, that sort of thing, so I don't know where he'd be getting that from".

Someone else, he has talked with someone who has provided him with this knowledge. He has had both time and opportunity. He may well have met someone at this running club.

"Why don't I just ask him? Because I don't want to do anything to change what we have. If this move all goes tits up, we're all going to have to leave. That will involve the kids as well and they really need to stay where they are due to their age. It's not like when they were little. Plus this has been a big move career-wise for me and I want to make a go of it. So basically yes, if my husband IS in the throes of an affair then I would rather not know because there is too much at stake".

I think your marriage is already in trouble because you feel that you cannot ask him. You cannot stay in what may now become a troubled marriage because of the kids, a new career and a lifestyle you wish to maintain. Turning a blind eye is not an option, that is a surefire way of making sure that you are further hurt and by your own hand too.

Its already changed; the power and control balance has shifted here and he has not been honest with you about the cinema tickets. Deadpool is less than 2 hours in duration; if it started at 12.30 he has had enough time to pop into the cinema and be back by 3.00.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2016 15:32

"They are very happy here and things are going well for them at school and if putting up with DH being a dick for a while is the price I have to pay for them to be contented and set them up for the future then I am happy to do that".

Children are perceptive, they could well go onto think that something is badly amiss here between mum and dad. Sacrificing your own emotional wellbeing for them is a huge mistake to make as well.

Is that really what you want to teach your children about relationships, some lesson that is. Oh you stay regardless of how crap the marriage because of children and a potential disruption of lifestyle. Is your relationship bar really set that low?.

You've moved countries; that's a big thing. You have not really been around much for each other and now he is off on a business trip this coming Sunday; when have you actually sat down and talked properly this past few months?. Affairs are often symptomatic of problems within the marriage, not the case.

You are facing the possible scenario that your DH is now conducting an emotional affair with someone. This is not just him being a so called dick if he is doing that; its basically him trampling on your marriage and taking your children down with that as well.

LouTheMac · 26/02/2016 15:33

I wouldn't be too worried OP like you say it doesn't exactly sound like a romantic afternoon and if he were having an affair surely they would be spending it in private somewhere!
Maybe he just feels bad going to the cinema and having leisure time when you are at work? Or he wants to make out he is working harder than he is? I would want to know who the 2nd ticket was for & but my money is on 2nd ticket is a receipt and he was there on his own.
Also if someone was having an affair i would not expect them to be happier and chipper at home than usual! I would think moody and distant more like?

NickiFury · 26/02/2016 15:48

You didn't say it OP. Someone else did.

Back to your dilemma. Personally I would slap the tickets down in front of him and say "who did you go with then? Two tickets there". But I have never been good at keeping my powder dry.

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 16:07

Not pretending everything is fine and dandy all the time between me and DH but we have been spending more time together since the move and we do talk a lot. We still have work commitments which sometimes involve travel alone but we always have done. We probably travel for work less now than we used to, which means more time in the same place. He is a great dad, the DCs adore him. I don't think that they sense anything is up and that's the way I'd love to keep it.

There is definitely something about DH that wasn't there before though. He IS happier. If that's not a sign of an affair then I am hugely relieved.

OP posts:

AmserGwin · 26/02/2016 16:10

Just ask him, he's probably got a reasonable explanation and then you can forget about it

loveyoutothemoon · 26/02/2016 17:01

Why wouldn't he meet a woman then go and pick up his kids?

My husband had a spring in his step whilst having an affair and the same with a friends husband.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2016 17:11

Why would you rather stay in torment than ask him and there be just as much chance that there is an innocent explanation ?

Joysmum · 26/02/2016 17:21

I'd stay in torment until after the business trip to give thinking and digging time. I did that donkeys years back and was glad I did otherwise I'd have doubted if he was hiding things better and doubting myself even more. Doing that meant I put my fears to bed and learnt to trust again. I'm glad I did it that way.

Each to their own though

Robotgirl · 26/02/2016 17:40

OP, I hope there are lots of innocent explanations winging their way to you, I really do.

This will all end up doing your head in if you don't have that chat though.

And the impact on you will not be invisible to your children. They're probably massively perceptive.

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 18:07

Not going to say anything this weekend. Going to take the time he is away to think about how I am going to speak to him about it and what I want from him. I was determined I could just ignore it all and try to carry on as normal but I just don't think I can. You're all right, this has been eating me up for days now. It's pretty much all I have thought about and I have barely slept. I can't sleep, I need to find out what's going on and if there is something make sure he stops before it gets serious. Thanks to everyone who answered me.

OP posts:

OldestStory · 26/02/2016 18:11

Just to say, are you sure this is a business trip? Could it be with someone else? My DH went on a trip and I would have sworn he wasn't lying to me about it, but he was.

MoominPie22 · 26/02/2016 18:14

So you´re gonna sit there and tell us that you´d rather not know if your husband is having an affair?? I do find that utterly bonkers tbh. I would certainly wanna know if I was not my husband´s only sexual partner and that he was in love with someone else! Maybe he´s at the start of an emotional affair ( hence the cinema instead of rampant shagging ) and would you not prefer to nip this in the bud and confront him sooner rather than later?

The local knowledge could be easily picked up from any source inc running club couldn´t it? Nothing suspect there. When he came back late did the kids not ask where he´d been? If they´re old enough obv.

Did you guys have any problems within your marriage prior to moving abroad? He´s never given you any reason to doubt him before?

If it were me I´d dbl check the tickets incase it is just one in two parts and I´d keep a closer eye on things generally incase I found any more clues/oddities. Just be on higher alert so to speak. Mind, if you´re not even gonna confront him cos you´re scared of the answer and you´d rather not know if he´s having an affair ( and not even mind if he is! ) then why even bother tbh?

I know you gave your rationale but I really don´t pretend to understand these women who turn a blind eye to a man shagging about. It´s like a one-sided open marriage! I´d certainly not be bloody sleeping with him anymore if I had genuine concerns.

A very innocent explaination could be that he´s simply making friends and is hanging out with them and not felt the need to tell you yet. That would also explain his improved mood. He´s settling in, as opposed to shagging the local totty. I think you should check his pockets/wallet more often, you may find some more ¨clues¨ there. But what would you do about it if you did find anything anyway?

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 18:15

He's been going on reasonably frequent trips to this city (world HQ of his company) for years. No reason to think this trip is any different.

OP posts:

Secretlove · 26/02/2016 18:15

The two people I know (married) who had affairs conducted them entirely during the working day. I say that as it sounds as if your dp has plenty of opportunity.

OldestStory · 26/02/2016 18:22

Wasn't meaning to stir, it's just that, weirdly, I found the betrayal of the trip really hard to deal with, worse than anything else.

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 18:23

I'm going to talk to him, I just have no idea how to approach it. I don't want to do it, I am angry with him for putting me in this position but I figure if he is seeing someone it must be early days and he can stop it before it turns into anything. Ignoring it and seeing what (if anything) happens is what I really want to do but as we haven't been here long then when has he had the chance to sleep with anyone?

OP posts:

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 18:25

Oldest- I am grateful to all contributions on this thread and am sorry other people have been through this and far worse.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2016 18:27

Just bloody talk to him.

This doesn't even seem to be all that suspicious to me and I am notorious for sniffing out liars.

Joysmum · 26/02/2016 18:30

She will, in her own good time after the weekend as she's said.

Emmanewme2015 · 26/02/2016 18:39

My dh was doing her in his lunch hour. Lol if it is an affair they will find anyway anytime. My gut instinct was massive and he had a massive spring in his step which also gave off alarm bells.

Don't bury your head in the sand I did and found out the hard way....just ask him.

We are still together now and we worked through it. I certainly won't be burying my head in the sand though if I ever suspect someone else again his clothes will be set on fire along with ow's head.

Good luck fingers crossed it's a misunderstanding x

iwuddarryl · 26/02/2016 19:42

Is he really going to running club? Running club could be a cover.

iwuddarryl · 26/02/2016 19:50

I can't read anymore.
OP you do realise this isn't the 1950's?

QuiteLikely5 · 26/02/2016 19:53

Tell him you know he went to the cinema.........dont mention you have the ticket(s) and see what he admits

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