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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:

wotoodoo · 25/02/2016 16:58

A person from the running club?

I would be ultra suspicious.

I would check social media. If he didn't have a password and now has one that would be important.

Get a breakdown of calls made. See if one number reoccurs frequently.

Change your work habits if you can so you do surveillance and ask your dd innocently where daddy is if you ring home and he is not there.

I would be beside myself in investigating mode if this happened to me.

Boozena · 25/02/2016 17:09

Sorry if this sounds patronising but are you positive it is two tickets?
Last time I went to the cinema we each got two stubs for the film - I think one might have been some sort of payment confirmation but still had film title etc.
Just seems that this and two nights out- work socials maybe, welcome to the office type thing- are all you're going on and as far as you thought everything was good.
I do hope there's an innocent explanation OP.

loveyoutothemoon · 25/02/2016 17:10

He could've met someone online.

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 17:15

The running club?

Storminateapot · 25/02/2016 17:26

That's a good point about the two tickets thing - cineworld certainly give 2 bits of paper for one ticket purchase, one is the ticket & one the receipt but they look very similar.

Maybe he went to the movies & didn't want to admit to it when he was meant to be working?

I'd hold on to the tickets, keep my powder dry for now & be vigilant.

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 17:30

Well, it should be easy enough to see if one is a receipt rather than a ticket.

Coldwatebay · 25/02/2016 19:56

Out of interest was the film 'The Big Short'? My DH would have gone to see that on his own.

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 20:49

Just got home from work intending to get the tickets out of his pocket and check if it really was two tickets rather than the one plus receipt but I can't find the coat. DH is in so it must be in his car. It isn't his best coat by any means, just an everyday, outdoorsy- pursuit kind of jacket. Not one to wear when trying to impress a new woman, I am guessing.

He's still working at his PC but will probably wrap it up in an hour or so and I will go on and have a hunt around, see if I can find anything. The more I think about it. The more ridiculous I think I sound about it all.

The film was Deadpool, by the way. Hardly a hot date film.

OP posts:

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 25/02/2016 21:12

I don't think you are ridiculous. I think it is very telling that you don't want to ask him outright! There must an underlying or subconscious feeling here and I think it is wise to listen to it.

Please don't jump to conclusions, just keep an eye on things. As others have previously said, to confront now without concrete evidence will probably make the situation more difficult.

Joysmum · 25/02/2016 21:25

Personally, I think if you have doubts, taking a look to reassure yourself you're being daft is a good idea. If I hadn't, I'd not have trusted again. Not his fault, just a product of my past. It worked well for me despite the anti snoop brigade having you think otherwise.

Iwonderif · 25/02/2016 21:43

Definitely check tickets. Our cinema prints off two for one person. They look like lottery tickets these days not the small stubs. So have a good look.

If it's one ticket you can breathe a sigh of relief & im thinking the reason he didn't say he went to the cinema is because he may have felt quilty. You going out to work but he went off to the cinema. Is his job ok? Could he be worried and that's why he snook off to escape but didn't want to tell you.

I'm not naive in any way. Just think without concrete evidence you could be barking up the wrong tree this could then create something very unnecessary. Possibly though you don't trust him 100% as you may not have posted on here. You would have shown him the tickets and asked who he went with. Instead you asked MN.

Be wary of course if you feel the need to.

firsttimemummy12345 · 25/02/2016 21:50

firstly deadpool is an awesome film. me and my DP saw it for our anniversary. I agree it's not a date film really and when we saw it out of the whole cinema there was only 3 or 4 women including me. it's a man's film.

secondly - I know how you feel about not coming out straight with him as I'm the same. I spot something I don't like the look of and I picture the scenario in my head and think of the worst so I keep quiet. Maybe he didn't tell you about the cinema incase he thought you might be jealous or you might have ago at him for going while you're at work. and like you said one could be the ticket and the other a recipe.

honestly I'm be hypocritical if I told you to go talk to him but write down everything you find so you can use it as evidence when or if the time comes.

janaus · 25/02/2016 21:55

Take photos of the tickets. But leave them in the pocket. Oh have the jacket in the photo too. And just keep an eye on Things. Don't ask him yet.

janaus · 25/02/2016 21:58

By the way, we went to movies on Valentine's Day (reconciling). And Deadpool was the biggest hit for Val Day, 2 sessions were sold out way ahead of time.
We went to see Dirty Grandpa, yuck, what was I thinking. Bad enough living with one.

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 22:33

His job is fine. He deals with worldwide clients so it's not unusual for him to have a calls at 5 or 6 am and finish up around noon (for example). I have no problem with him being mainly home-based as we moved here for my job and I was delighted that he was able to continue his over here. He does have contact hours at the office each week and goes on various trips with work as he's always done.

You're right in that I do have suspicions and that's why I have ended up posting here and not speaking to DH. As I explained earlier, DH just seems happier than usual, like he has a spring in his step. I really want to believe it's because he is happy with the move we made and not because he has taken up with some woman but there is just something I can't quite put my finger on that tells me his new found happiness (not that he was ever miserable) is because someone has been paying him attention. Some days he is also the font of all knowledge about local stuff- how much an Uber is to the airport it a bus ticket into the city, a particular restaurant we have never been to's new menu, that sort of thing, so I don't know where he'd be getting that from.

Why don't I just ask him? Because I don't want to do anything to change what we have. If this move all goes tits up, we're all going to have to leave. That will involve the kids as well and they really need to stay where they are due to their age. It's not like when they were little. Plus this has been a big move career-wise for me and I want to make a go of it. So basically yes, if my husband IS in the throes of an affair then I would rather not know because there is too much at stake.

I think I came here so someone could tell me I was being silly and that he couldn't possibly be playing around but I know no one can do that.

OP posts:

SongBird16 · 25/02/2016 22:52

Please don't stick your head in the sand op, it's like someone with symptoms refusing to see a doctor; the problem gets bigger and more serious until it can't be ignored any more.

I hope it is all innocent but know from experience that adulterers can be very creative about when and where to meet their new interest.

Stbxh would walk the dog, go cycling, pop to the shops, go to the gym or head to work an hour earlier than usual. Needless to say he was actually meeting his ow, yet all of his excuses were plausible and I would also have said that he didn't have time for an affair.

However, I do think it's possible that you have caught this in the early stages and your DH may still be kidding himself that it's just friendship. I base this on your 'spring in his step' comment because IME once the affair is underway he will no longer appear happy at home - he will be withdrawn and grumpy and finding fault in everything you do.

He may have gone to the cinema 'with a friend' and feel that he hasn't really done anything wrong, but that he won't mention it to you 'in case you get the wrong idea'.

He could have met someone anywhere, online or in rl, and be meeting during the day or instead of running club. I think you need to gather evidence, or come home unexpectedly during the day, with a view to confronting him once you have sufficient proof.

timeisnotaline · 26/02/2016 00:19

I'd check the tickets for one plus receipt as suggested if you can - that does seem very plausible and while I wish my dp would tell me if he did that he might be too embarrassed at 'slacking off' on a workday ( to be fair, I'd probably be all and why didn't you do some washing while you weren't working). The alternate scenario is a bit thin given he doesn't know anyone, he wasn't dressed at all date-like, the movie wasn't a date movie and the timing to pick the kids up.

SongBird16 · 26/02/2016 06:35

Well he must know someone if he was out twice until after midnight when op was away, and I assume he is also meeting people at the running club.

FredaMayor · 26/02/2016 11:04

Putting your head in the sand could be very much to your disadvantage, OP. There are many threads on here to tell you what can happen if you turn a blind eye. STD's just for starters.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say.

Drew64 · 26/02/2016 13:58

There is something much bigger wrong with your marriage if you don't want to know if your husband is having an affair.

"I would rather not know because there is too much at stake"

I was gobsmacked by this statement! Have you any idea how that makes you look?

Good luck, because in my opinion this marriage won't last!

Original poster

CarsonTheButler · 26/02/2016 14:19

I do hear what you're all saying and I know burying my head in the sand isn't what I should be doing but I think I can cope with suspecting him of having a little fling just to make himself feel better (as long as I don't really know about it) which will hopefully fizzle out. What I can't cope with is knowing for sure he is seeing someone else and having to deal with the fallout from that. It would be too catastrophic for our family.

I don't have any further news on the tickets or anything else as I didn't find the coat or get the chance to look at his computer last night.

Even if he was at the movies the other day, I don't think he was on a date. What date would you turn up to in a waterproof coat and leave to pick the kids up from immediately after? If he is seeing someone, he has only just met her and that doesn't sound like much of an early date.

OP posts:

OldestStory · 26/02/2016 14:50

I think you know really. I know how you feel. I hope you can manage to keep your mind shut to it and not be tormented.

NickiFury · 26/02/2016 14:55

Dead pool is a man's film? In what way?

Secretlove · 26/02/2016 15:01

I think the cinema visit could be explained away ie he could have gone on his own. It couldn't have been a really hot date if he was back to do the school run at 3.

What seems more worrying is that he has a spring in his step and you have a gut feeling something is up.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 26/02/2016 15:08

Would he be too embarrassed to of gone to the cinema on his own and so bought two tickets at the desk to pretend to them he was with someone? men can be weird.

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