Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

I know what you mean, Supermum. The last country we were in was the insular expat life, it was a total bubble and was a huge factor in why we decided to move on, mainly it wasn't good for the kids. I've seen those bored spouses in action (and also predatory locals).

Here we are totally intergrated- English speaking country now, kids in local schools, own our own home etc. We've only met one other family from our home country. It's very difference. Not excusing DH or his "friend" at all but it isn't that kind of set up here.

I just don't understand how you can forget to say you went to the cinema when someone directly asks you what you got up to that day?

He is lying. Why did he have both of the tickets? Why didn't she buy and keep her own ticket? He bought them both and handed both of the tickets to the doorman and kept the stubs. It is what a lot of men do on a date. It isn't what they do if they go to the cinema with their friend.

Come ON op. Wake up and smell the coffee!!

I do hear you all but if it was physical why are they at coffee shops and the movies instead of shagging?

it may not be physical. Yet.

But it is definitely emotional. Which in a way, is worse.

he is much chirpier. he is happier having met her.

In a way if my bf just had hot wild sex an didnt like the woman much then that is one thing.

But getting to know her, doing couple stuff, coziness in coffee shops, getting to know each other, movies, it sounds like a new relationship. Even if there is no sex, in a way him courting someone new would make me feel worse than him having meaningless sex

I don't think your DH is having an affair. I think the other wife is lonely and trying her luck. Your DH is probably at best oblivious to it or flattered by the attention. Either way set up a dinner with the other couple. Keep quiet and let the wife's DH sort her out. Your DH is probably fresh meat. Hate to say it but there always seems to be a wife like this.

Yes. The nasty woman made DH lie to his wife. He is enjoying this.

Have a look at survivinginfidelity.com for support from others going through this. I'm 2 months from finding out and I recognise your optimism - he was so honest, he's definitely telling the whole truth. Bollocks was he - they NEVER do! It doesn't add up. The times he stayed out until midnight, twice in the week you happened to be away. They were having sex. He sees her every day. He doesn't seem to know much about her and he's only seen her 4-5 times - bollocks! He didn't want to admit he knows much about her, and he wanted to shut down the conversation as fast as possible. He admitted to the minimum number of times he thought you'd believe, given you know they're at the stage of going to the cinema together. Why would he not have mentioned meeting a new person, or how he knew so much local information, or that he went to the cinema when you asked about his day? Because he intended to keep this relationship secret from you, because it's an affair.

The worst thing is, he's not sorry - he wants to continue this relationship right under your nose. If you want to save your marriage he needs to drop all contact immediately. I recommend you both read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass.

Can see where this threads going.. The usual will not be happy until you've posted that you've packed your bags and left him. You seem pretty grounded and capable of making the right choices op. My only advice would be to run for the hills never to return to this thread again. Ever. You'll be a better judge of what and when you do anything. I'll never understand why people allow strangers to influence there choices and decisions based on a couple of paragraphs of info on a forum.

The visits to the movies and the coffee shops is what you do before and/or after the shagging, not instead in my experience. OP you sound nice and are being taken advantage of. If there is literally nothing for you to be concerned about, he would have told you about her from the get go.

I'm thinking its an emotional affair at the moment - so on the surface may look innocent. Not sexual yet because you are both holding back due to family responsibilities. Mind you back of the cinema is a great place for a kiss/grope. The film is irrelevant really as women all like different things.

I don't understand why he didn't tell you about her straight away? Why he didn't arrange for both your families to get together instead of arranging secret meetings. Why is he just meeting her quietly on his own? Having very late nights together? It's odd that he hasn't been transparent from the start, considering how innocent he claims things are.

It's odd he lied about where he was yesterday. If you hadn't found the tickets and challenged him, you'd be non the wiser.

Things don't stack up.

There is a chance it truly is innocent. However you need to check things out thoroughly - emails/texts and yes arrange to meet both her and her husband. Drinks in the pub one evening. Push for your husband to organise it. Seeing the two interact might help you work things out.

In a similar situation to this with my ex. Once we met as two couples it was obvious they were in the deepest possible emotional affair. It was like they were the couple. they even finished each others sentences. I threatened to leave and he finished it with her but then 18m later met a carbon copy of her and the whole thing started again. I booted him out and her DH left her and they are a couple now. See how they behave together OP. Open your eyes to what is going on here.

sothat Have you lived abroad before as a married couple? I have and currently do and can tell you that marriages break down much more easily when you go through the stress of relocating to another country.

There are plenty of expat wives who are unhappily married and they are bitter. They can't afford to get divorced and they really are stuck in their marriage. The best bet for them is to find another expat husband.

The OP says they moved recently to this location. I've seen it happen myself and we have one of these wives in our town. When a lovely couple moved here about 2 months ago I kindly introduced everyone after I saw her making moves on the husband. The husband was struggling with the transition to a new county and he liked his ego being stroked.

Yes the girls husband should have told her to back off, and that normally happens at about 8-12 weeks in, but most men don't see it happening for a good few weeks.

It is obviously an affair, but that doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage op. Plenty of people are able to put these things behind them, but your DH will have to go nc with her and work hard to rebuild your trust.

OP, Im sorry, but this is not going to end well.

I wonder when he was going to tell you himself....if ever?! I would check his PC and I would also tell him you want to meet as a couple when he returns. Meeting her husband and her meeting you might be a reality check for them both.

I won´t repeat what everyone else has said cos I agree. You´re putting a positive spin on this and are leaning to the innocent explaination he´s given cos, by your own admition, you said you would turn a blind eye if he was gonna have an affair due to not uprooting the kids again. He knows you will tolerate his disrespectful behaviour and that´s why he´s behaving inappropriately.

If he was getting in gone midnight and he hasn´t met the husband, then what exactly was he doing with her and where? Maybe her OH works away. Of course there´s ample time to do something physical! You just think it´s innocent cos that´s what you wanna believe and it suits you, minimizing the situation. Fair enough if that´s how you want your marriage to pan out.

BUt I would start by pushing for a double couple get together so everyone can meet everyone else. He should be encouraging you to make friends too so he should genuinely be keen to have you guys meet. Let´s see his enthusiasm at sharing his lady friend and meeting the husband.

And really, who ducks into the cinema to watch a movie when they get caught in the rain?? Be real, please! Unless you´re living in Hollywood.....

I would be very concerned that he had both ticket stubs. He's paid for or at the very least handed both over. That's a date.

Spring in his step? This is an affair, whethet or not it's physical yet.

He has lied to you by omission. Nothing may be happening now or yet, but he is enjoying her interest in him, and would have mentioned her existence if it were truly innocent. There may be only the germ of an unspoken idea in his mind, but it's there. Getting to know this woman and her husband may pour cold water on any potential sizzle.

fgs Look At His LapTop.
You need to get to the bottom of this.
I know you don't want to rock the boat, and part of you would rather turn a blind eye, in case discovering more would destroy your family life. but think of this:

Even if you discover lots more proof that something's going on, at least the you can quietly (without him knowing) sort out some financial arrangements, see a solicitor, put some financial things in place, so that if the shit does hit the fan, you can have financial security for you and your children.

Turning a blind eye isn't helping keep the family stable. Finding out will, eecause, you can keep an eye on joint accounts etc.

Knowledge is power.

It doesn't feel like it, but it is.

You need to get to the bottom of this. I agree it may not be physical yet but that doesn't mean it isn't going that way. And an emotional affair can be just as damaging anyway if it is going that way

Funny I agree and now I think about it more....if he´d met a woman while the OP was away, clicked with her and enjoyed her company in a purely platonic way, why then wasn´t he all enthusiastic and super keen to tell his wife ( who is also new in town and in need of friends ) that he´d met a nice lady and he can´t wait to introduce her to the OP cos he´s sure they´d get along like a house on fire, they can meet up as 2 couples cos she´s married..blah blah blah......you get the picture.

Seriously, as an expat myself who was lonely and isolated, missing home and my mates back in the UK, I was telling my husband about everyone I had met, where, if we were meeting again, saying we should invite them round the house with their OH, playdates with kids etc etc....seriously êverything! Cos it´s a big deal when you know no-one and you then start forming friendships.

So the very fact your husband wasn´t volunteering that he´d met someone and that you´d like her and she´s married so you can all meet up sometime etc...well it looks even more suspicious to me. As I said, he should be encouraging you to also make friends therefore he naturally would want to share his new friend with you. But he doesn´t sound too keen on sharing her does he?

He´s obv communicating with her somehow in order to arrange meet ups so it´s gonna be txt or email surely? Not sure if you know his email password?

When I found out my exh was cheating I was really shocked but on reflection the signs were so obvious but I chose not to see them.

Op Id say facing the truth is paramount if you want to try and save the marriage.

The signs are really pretty obvious here but you understandably don't want to see them which I totally understand.

Stay strong lady

Most affairs are conducted over Whatsapp, I'd say, because calls and texts aren't traceable on a phone bill. Plus it's easy, you can see when a message has been seen, when they are in the process of replying etc.

You may go into the laptop, find nothing and be falsely reassured. My husband showed me his texts and emails but of course, it was the wrong place to look.

There is a natural 'honesty bias' with a partner where you naturally, instinctively believe them when they tell you something. Of course there is - you've been with this man for x years, had children, had no reason to think he would cheat.

My H, when he was about to be rumbled and I had this girl's name, used all sorts of convincing techniques. Stuff like: 'God, I'm so sorry that my behaviour has given you reason to distrust me. I'm so sorry. There is nothing going on but I am so sorry I have given you cause to think there might be. What a fool I've been, that you got to the point that you believed that of me.' (Very good). And 'Christ, of course there is no affair. My God, I know I've taken you for granted but never something like that.' Swearing on our kids' lives. All all very straight faced, straight in the eye. Very relaxed. Cheaters have to be or they'd never get away with it.