Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

DH and I had (another) big talk over the weekend. He told me straight out he had seen her last week and said he did so for two reasons. Firstly he wanted to tell her in person that he wouldn't be seeing her again. Secondly, he wanted to apologise for trying to kiss her the last time they had met (I already knew about this). In the end, he did neither. He said it didn't seem necessary to say sorry for trying to kiss her as she "didn't seem bothered" and it "never came up". DH also didn't tell her that they wouldn't be meeting again. He says he doesn't know why not, he just "couldn't". DH insists this doesn't mean he will see her again and claims he doesn't have any intention of doing so. This fits in with DH's cowardly behaviour all round, I'd say. I believe that he has the intention of not seeing her again but I don't know if he will stick to that. I haven't told him that I have seen their e mails, so I will keep looking to see if there is any contact. He says he just went loopy over this woman from the minute he laid eyes on her any that even when he tried to tell himself to stop, that what he was doing was wrong, he just couldn't but that that has faded now and he realises what he's done. You can imagine how I felt listening him tell me that he was totally bewitched by another woman, it wasn't pleasant. But he now realises it was just an infatuation and nothing like what we have.

DH knows I am devastated at all this and admits he was an utter fool to think he could spend time with another woman, even under the auspices of "just friends", without it severely impacting on our lives.

I know how all this sounds totally shit and how weak it makes me sound but I love him and I think can at least try to forgive his foolishness and try to forget how he has behaved over the last few weeks.

For the level of involvement that OH has had with OW his response is utterly inadequate IMO and suggests he will not sever ties. Others on here will tell you what he should be doing if he was actually contrite, but the half-hearted "I just couldn't" is pathetic.

You appear to have lost this round and I fear you are prepared to dance for him in the Pick Me style, one where the dancer always loses. IMO you really should turf him out until you decide what you want and whether you do really love him or are feeling sentiment for your past history and your emotional investment.

Loving someone does not mean they love you back. Being 'loopy' over someone else should tell you where you are in the hierarchy with him, and it's not where you want to be. So sorry, OP.

They met briefly in November but have really only known each other for 4 weeks. If it had been 4 years or 4 months even, I would be doing all those things people in this thread had told me I should be doing but 28 days? Can you have real feelings for someone who you have known for that length of time? I think he has just been a massive arsehole and been totally flattered by this woman giving him the time of day but I am not going to end what we have over 4 weeks of madness.

The time frame matters a great deal less that the issues you have brought up, OP. Your relationship is in trouble if OH is willing to lust after someone else and call it a 'moment of madness'. That response is laughable. What is it that you wanted advice/opinions on if you are going to carry on as before?

"I know how all this sounds totally shit and how weak it makes me sound but I love him and I think can at least try to forgive his foolishness and try to forget how he has behaved over the last few weeks".

Your own love for him may well come back and bite you hard on the bum. He is still behaving cowardly.

He has created further schisms in this marriage. What else is he going to do to repair the mess he has himself created?. Seemingly nothing by the sounds of it, you get therefore to carry the can for him.

You wanting to brush this under the carpet will do you no favours ultimately and make you instead feel far worse. This was no mere foolishness on his part; he has behaved abysmally and repeatedly. Trying to forget how he has behaved over the last few weeks could well send your own self into a pit of despair; its not forgotten or forgiven that easily.

It's not going to be the same as before. Obviously the trust has to be rebuilt and a re-evaluation of everything has to take place. We have to be honest about what we want and what we don't want. If we try and it doesn't work then we will have to deal with that if and when it happens but we both want to try.

He sounds like a complete arse.

So he promised you no more contact then chased her for a meeting, met her and said nothing.

You believed him last time- he lied- what makes this time so different?

Your marriage may well be never the same again and if it is not repairable then part rather than plod on for the sake of the children.

Trust is not easily repaired; if there is no trust there is really no relationship.

What is he doing to try and repair things; is he at all serious about properly addressing issues within your marriage and his part in and responsibility for this emotional affair?. If he does not go to counselling then go on your own.

It's not like I am taking it all lightly. I am devastated by what has happened. It's been a total nightmare and I have been on the verge of tears for over a week now. Anything sets me off. I manage to hold it together in front of the DCs but at other times, I am a mess.

Yesterday, my neighbour innocently moved his car up his driveway just after I had backed in and I thought he was moving his car because of my terrible driving and I cried for an hour over that, even when it became apparent he had moved the car so guests could park on his driveway. I also couldn't choose between two types of milk in the supermarket and had to leave and go to the car and cry in the car park for a bit before I could go back in and resume shopping.

I feel totally humiliated. I have an anger towards the OW which I know should be directed towards my DH but I can't help it. I check her Facebook profile page 20 times a day, even though I can see nothing other than her public photos. I look in the mirror at myself and think it is no wonder DH was massively attracted to this woman when I look the way I do.

None of this has been remotely easy and no decisions have been taken lightly.

You don't sound weak, you sound super strong.

Right now your dh is not worthy of you. I hope he realises that and turns this around.

OP, you need RL support from someone you are prepared to listen to. Staring like a rabbit in the headlights for as long as you have is going to harm you in the long run.

Carson I think you are being very brave.

You are right to keep quiet about the emails. I suspect he will carry on seeing her. You can watch and wait. I did. You need to be in a strong position if you are going to move forward and he is proving himself untrustworthy.

It's surprising how you can carry on as normal once the shock subsides.

I often looked at XHs messages, watching things unfold. Still I didn't leave. Took me 6 or 7 years. But the DCs were so young. It was a LTB but just not at that time.

I feel for you OP. You are being brave and strong.

"I feel totally humiliated. I have an anger towards the OW which I know should be directed towards my DH but I can't help it. I check her Facebook profile page 20 times a day, even though I can see nothing other than her public photos. I look in the mirror at myself and think it is no wonder DH was massively attracted to this woman when I look the way I do".

You need to stop tormenting yourself in such a manner and remove yourself now from all forms of social media. That is all too easy for me to write but you cannot and must not torment yourself any more. I would also consider seeing a therapist now and on your own.

If you have not already read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass I would suggest you do so. In order to understand why emotional infidelity occurs, you have to understand your relationship.

Aim your anger at the person it should be aimed at; your husband. This woman is taking up energy you need for your own self, she is not worth any of your time.

His emotional affair was never about you personally and how you look, it was and is all about him and his own emotional inadequacies.

How hurtful for you OP. He should be begging you to forgive him and he is not. He didn't break it off with OW because he didn't want to. He thinks there will be no consequences for him. You have to bear in mind that you cannot trust him currently. You know that he has lied and is prepared to lie. One thing that rang true time and time again when my exh affair was revealed was that actions speak louder than words.

You have tremendous value as a loyal spouse and as a mother and as a woman. Do not let anyone detract from that including yourself. His behaviour does not determine your worth.

Stay strong OP. I think you sound like an amazing woman and I really hope it all works out for you - whether it be with your husband, or without.

xxx

errr. he promised not to see her, & then he did, & didn't tell her you were in on their little trice......even less tell her it had to stop.
Their are 2 coffee shops & he will still be going to them, He will bump into her.
She maybe a innocent party, but He is NOT

He has no intention of stopping. Sorry Carson, this is going to be a long haul.

There.

OP... my goodness, where to even start...

You appear to be a be a bright, articulate woman, so I think it would be fair to say that, deep deep down, you know that your DH's response is lacking in sincerity on every conceivable level. I don't think that you're currently emotionally strong enough to deal with the situation a way that an outsider would deem fitting. I can understand that your seemingly safe place has been upended and that you desperately want everything to be safe again... so you deny what's right in front of you... you persuade yourself that things aren't as they seem, that they aren't as bad as is portrayed, that your DH really is the faithful, loving, family man you always thought he was. No doubt the pain that will be unleashed if you face these facts head on may be too much for you to bear right now... so instead you choose the pain that comes with denial.

I can understand that, I truly believe you are being as strong as you can right now and that's all anyone can ask of you...

Having said that, when you have episodes of feeling stronger, please please just remember these things - he's painted the OW in this glorified light, making it sound as though he's the only one pursuing and she's pretty much deflecting his advances... that might be true for now (although to be honest I highly doubt it)... no happily married woman would agree to meet a married man (that she barely knows!!) numerous times alone, and would most certainly not go to the cinema together. She apparently refused his advances, which means she's in no doubt what his intentions are, yet she's still happy to carry on meeting with him alone. If this is all true then she's enjoying the flirtation. She's dragging this out because she's enjoying his attention, she wants to keep him interested... this will end very very badly. It's only a matter of time. She's just as interested.

As for your DH, if he was really sorry about this situation, if he was truly committed to making your marriage work, he would NEVER have met her again... not.ever. The excuses he's given about needing to meet with her to tell her it's over and to apologise for the attempted kiss is complete and utter bollocks. But I don't think I have to tell you that... you know. A very simple email to her, copying you in, ending everything, apologising to her, whatever he needed to say, was all that was needed.

When there are no consequences for your actions then there's no reason to stop. He knows you're not going anywhere. He knows he can continue to see this OW. He's in a cushy position and he's hugely aware of this.

He'll continue with this affair... he'll continue to stay married to you... he'll continue to be happy...

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU!?????

We only get one chance in this life, OP, only one... be good to yourself, you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected. You deserve to be truly happy.

He's worked a right number on your self esteem hasn't he?
For what he has said to you recently I would LTB. He has no thought of putting it in a pleasant way at all. No regard for your feelings whatsoever, just wants to gush about the OW. Bastard!

Why would he go to meet her to tell her it's over when he says that 'it' has been one sided and she rebuffed him at every turn and 'it' amounted to nothing anyway?
What he's saying doesn't make any sense, never mind that he can't even say definitively to her,or to you it seems, that he won't see her again.
I get that you want to work on this-which is an amazing and admirable commitment given the rubbish he has come out with so far-but he doesn't seem to be meeting you half way really...and he should be bending over backwards.
Don't sell yourself short to keep the status quo OP. It's a waste of a life.

Why would he go to meet her to tell her it's over when he says that 'it' has been one sided and she rebuffed him at every turn and 'it' amounted to nothing anyway?
What he's saying doesn't make any sense, never mind that he can't even say definitively to her,or to you it seems, that he won't see her again.
I get that you want to work on this-which is an amazing and admirable commitment given the rubbish he has come out with so far-but he doesn't seem to be meeting you half way really...and he should be bending over backwards.
Don't sell yourself short to keep the status quo OP. It's a waste of a life.

You could send OW a polite message on FB.

Tell her that you and OH have had a 'chat' and you would like to hear her side of the story.

It's a reasonable request and as long as you do it a fairly neutral language and keep it all civil and don't fling accusations, she might just surprise you and give you some honest answers.

I bet they will be completely different to OH's
regards time-frames and what they have actually done. Bet there was more to it than kissing. Sorry.

You could send OW a polite message on FB.

You would at least find out what's really going on. Get another few pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.
You can't believe anything that comes out of your OH's mouth.
He can't be trusted to tell the truth.

If she tries to blank you, say ''well if you can't shed light on the matter, maybe your OH would be able to help''

She will absolutely crap herself at the thought that you might tell her OH and I bet she will come forward with any answers you want.

DH suggested I meet OW and that she has said she would be happy to meet me and has wanted to all along. Although part of me wants to, another part of me wants to run as far as I can in the opposite direction to her.

he wants you to meet OW ?

what is his game ?

he'll be moving her in next