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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 14/03/2016 20:16

Maybe he knew I would say no, which I did.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 14/03/2016 20:42

What on earth is the matter with him?

magoria · 14/03/2016 21:27

You said no? That was very restrained!

How did you not say something along why the fuck would I want to meet someone you have been meeting sneakily, lying by omission to me about, attempting to get in her knickers, falling in love with her, promising me you wouldn't see her again and breaking that promise in a matter of days and seeing her again?

He can now clean his halo and say it is all innocent, I wanted you to meet her to prove it but you turned me down.

ChasingPavements · 14/03/2016 21:32

What is the man thinking? That you can all become friends and go out for couple dinners together with her and her husband? While all the while you know that he'd previously fallen in love with her?!! No, no, no. It is so completely wrong and unacceptable and shows a total disregard for your feelings, dignity and respect in all of this. Wanker.

Belikethat · 14/03/2016 21:35

Oh I would meet her no question. I would do the pleasantries then politely confront them both, wtf do you think you're playing at? Are you having a laugh at my expense or something?

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 14/03/2016 21:37

DH has met her DH. I am the only one out of the loop.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 21:45

How did it come about that he has met her husband ?

magoria · 14/03/2016 21:53

Does her H know that your H is falling in love with her, meeting her secretly and trying to get in her pants?

He may not be so friendly if he did!

Superwitchy · 14/03/2016 21:55

Did all three of them meet together? And how did they arrange the meeting? If you didn't see it in an email then they are communicating in other ways. Do you hate feeling out of the loop? I know you want to save your marriage, which is understandable, but do you think you're being given all the facts?

SoThatHappened · 14/03/2016 22:08

Hell have dinner together. I am having visions of the dinner party in the final episode of Dr Foster Grin

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 14/03/2016 22:10

Her DH was with her one time when they bumped into one another in the coffee shop. It isn't mentioned in any of the emails. I am assuming he doesn't know my DH has feelings for his DW

OP posts:
ChasingPavements · 14/03/2016 22:39

The simple fact is that there shouldn't be any fucking loop....the loop (which involves a woman who Carson's H has confessed to falling in love with) should not exist.

bjrce · 14/03/2016 22:45

"DH has met her DH. I am the only one out of the loop."

Are you sure about that? Your H a proven liar.

The whole situation sounds extremely odd. I think you sound waaaay too passive for all your Hs antics to date. No consequences for his behaviour and lies. I am kinda wondering about this thread???

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 14/03/2016 22:51

No, of course I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything any more. There have been consequences for him. A cancelled family holiday at Easter and be has been sleeping in the downstairs guest room. But I still can't project the anger I am feeling onto him, I don't know why. It's all on her and on myself right now.

OP posts:
bjrce · 14/03/2016 22:56

Cancelling the holiday and him sleeping downstairs hasn't stopped him from his coffee mornings have the?

The rest of the family have now no holiday because of him.

Its obvious neither has put him out too much?

There's no point in being angry with her, she's not your problem?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 14/03/2016 23:05

Why are you angry at yourself? You haven't done anything at all.and being angry at her is also a waste of time-if your h is to be believed she hasn't done anything.
He has done plenty however.He's treated you with utter contempt! Asking you to meet her? In what world would you put your wife, a person you are meant to care about, in a face to face meeting with another woman that you have informed your wife that you are falling in love with?
Is is some sort of sadist? Seriously?

You need to start getting angry at him Carson-really.its one thing to want to work at the marriage and sort it out-it's another to be walked over and treated with total cruelty.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 14/03/2016 23:06

Why have you cancelled the holiday? Go on the holiday with the kids.leave him at home.why should you and the kids lose out?

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 14/03/2016 23:14

Sorry, I meant the holiday was cancelled for him. Me and the DCs are still going. No, I don't give two shits if this means he is free to see her. I need a break from him. It's only a long weekend.

I think he wanted me to meet her so I can see "nothing" is going. Nothing from her side he means, I know.

I'm sure the anger towards him will come. I am banking on it, because I don't think I can carry on being this upset and hiding it from work and DCs. Another emotion would be welcome.

OP posts:
WhataMessEh · 14/03/2016 23:28

your DH's lack of remorse has been striking through-out, does he seem sorry enough for you Carson? He doesn't seem to clearly understand he's crossed a line and that means no contact is the way forward.

SoThatHappened · 14/03/2016 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 23:35

Have you reported it then ?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/03/2016 23:38

Whilst you're still traumatised, the anger probably won't arrive. It will come once you've started processing and the trauma has lessened. That's normal.

Until that happens, try to keep yourself on track. Don't accept any blame, this is not your fault at all. Try not to stalk her because she's not worth the effort and you're only really looking her up to give you something to beat yourself up with, and a feeling of control. You can break that cycle.

Once it passes, you'll be able to feel the anger and they will serve you well, but until then, do look after yourself.

nappyrat · 14/03/2016 23:42

OP, you sound like such a strong &measured woman. I have respect for you.

Stay strong, be true to yourself. And be kind to yourself. You really do sound amazing & dignified.

I agree completely regarding not making rash decisions, from following your post I think you'll come to the right decision - whatever that might be - in the end.

ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 14/03/2016 23:47

I know I'll get angry at some point. I feel little flashes of it towards DH and then I just feel sad and upset again.

I'm sorry if this isn't very believable. I wish it wasn't happening either. I don't have anyone in RL to talk to who isn't at least 3,000 miles away and my best friends are even further away so if it seems like I have unloaded a bit too much on here then that's why.

I'll leave the thread for now.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 14/03/2016 23:47

While you're away make sure you can check his emails! As for him being buddy with ow husband - aye right! As a pp said he's lied about too much already!

I really hope you find your anger soona and act accordingly, he has done nothing to address this or to reassure you he can be trusted!