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Original poster

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
Baconyum · 10/03/2016 23:48

Thank you yes Attila gives great advice!

notonyurjellybellynelly · 11/03/2016 02:50

Overly brutal posts and denigration of her might not be that useful

Yes. I agree.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 11/03/2016 02:56

Going to take some time to think

I hope it all works out for you and that you come out of this with the future you deserve. Even one involving your husband if thats what you want.

Flowers
mix56 · 11/03/2016 08:04

I think he has to go. let him discover that his actions have consequences.

Today, Maybe stick your phone in quiet mode, in the car pocket as mentioned above today ? & discover where he goes.

Of course when confronted with proof of his lying, there will be an outcry of invasion of privacy. So, any gas lighting re you checking up on him,
you go ice cold & say you have a right to know who he's shagging if it's not you, & he has proven he is a liar.
Should you be going for STD check.
Should you be preparing for him leaving.
Should you be telling the children Daddy is leaving?

Whisky2014 · 11/03/2016 08:34

I think he has to go. let him discover that his actions have consequences.

Yes. I think even if you don't want to split up or are still deciding I think you'd be wise to let him think that you are going to end things. Chuck him out for a while but make him think it's permanent for now.

iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 09:38

I understand what PPs mean about making him believe it's over for good even if that's not your intention, but I'd be wary of doing that.

I wouldn't want you getting into a situation whereby he doesn't respect any of your decisions because he doesn't believe you really mean it because you don't follow through with them. IYSWIM...

Heart goes out to you and your DCs Thanks

MoominPie22 · 11/03/2016 10:23

I know for me personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me, what he's done. In actual fact, when he disclosed he had strong feelings for her, after Carson confronted him, that there would've bn my dealbreaker.
He blatently told Carson he wanted to make the marriage work and that he'd cut contact with the OW....total and utter bullshit. He goes right out and arranges to see OW under his wife's nose, cocky and arrogant as fuck, like he's getting a thrill from his deception!
I mean, how do u ever come bk frm that? He clearly doesn't wanna be exclusively with his wife in a monogamous relationship. He's showing his wife by his actions he has no intention of being faithful and committed. Imo, to carry on in this relationship, or even offer ultimatums, is futile.
You simply cannot stop somebody doin wot they wanna do. And why would u wanna be with someone who clearly has no loyalty to you and would prefer to be with another woman, but he only wants to keep his cosy family set up purely cos he wants his home comforts?!
Any words that come out his mouth are BS, trust is gone, even an ultimatum won't save this marriage. He's burnt his bridges by disrespectin the OP and being arrogant enough to just carry on as if the confrontation never happened. Fuck the fact I've bn married 20yrs! I'd be calling time and retaining a bit of dignity in all this. He's the dirty fucker in this and the OP can't force him to prefer her or switch off his emotions for this OW.

MoominPie22 · 11/03/2016 10:28

In fact, when u think about it Carson....when u confronted him and he confessed he'd almost fallen in love with her but wanted to concentrate on the marriage workin and agreeing to cease contact with this woman, how was that ever goin to work in reality??
When there's strong emotions involved it's more futile and hopeless than if it were just a shag and purely physical. Of course he was never gonna give her up! He can't shut off his feelings. It was always gonna be pointless wasn't it?

HawkEyeTheNoo · 11/03/2016 10:36

Oh Carson I'm so sorry, I've just caught up. What an absolute cockwomble!! I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. He's been an absolute bastard! I can't believe after confronting him and him saying he will cut contact he has had a jolly conversation over email about meeting her again!! Surely even if it was to tell her it (whatever it is) is over, that should have been done on the email out of respect for you!! I'd also be telling him he's not ever going to that coffee place again and because I'm a bit wicked I'd be emailing her to ask her wtf she thinks she's is playing at!! I'm so angry for you!!

ProfessorPickles · 11/03/2016 13:50

Just got to the end of the thread, that has been quite a read!
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I think I'd print out the emails and have them to hand ready to confront him and tell him to get lost.
Either that or I'd bide my time a little and keep an eye on emails and either turn up where they're meeting and confront them both, or wait for something a bit more incriminating. I can just imagine him going "we only met up so I could tell her it was over, I swear!"

I also thought the conversation felt a bit like they knew you'd see/playing it down. The "coffee" stuff sounded a little bit like a euphemism to me for something else! They apparently always go to the same one and it seems a little staged or hinty that he/she means sex. However, I could be wrong!

SoThatHappened · 11/03/2016 19:18

Chuck him out for a while but make him think it's permanent for now.

And that will just send him straight to her......

SongBird16 · 11/03/2016 19:40

If he goes to her instead of sitting in a hotel thinking about all the ways he can mend his marriage, then she's well shot of him.

notapizzaeater · 11/03/2016 19:53

The fact he'd lied to your face about seeing her would be enough to for me to walk away from the relationship.

mix56 · 11/03/2016 19:56

Being shown the door, he may be faced with no house, no kids, no comfort & the reality may not be as exciting...... either way, apparently he's not stopping seeing her.
So, if it pushes him into her arms.... & she wants him... that is where this was heading anyway.

SoThatHappened · 11/03/2016 19:59

Something tells me whether she keeps him at home or sends him away, he will still go for her.

FunnymalsOnPop · 11/03/2016 20:05

Awful, awful. No way you can trust him now, and he is treating you with absolutely no respect. Can't see how the relationship can come back from this. Time to plan your exit strategy.

iamnotwhat · 11/03/2016 20:21

How are you doing Carson? Hope you've had time to think and are feeling strong in yourself x

blindsider · 12/03/2016 07:00

so that happened

You are forgetting that this woman has apparently turned her husband down, which is probably true, as no man's ego will allow him to admit that to save his skin Wink

Original poster
CarsonTheButler · 12/03/2016 12:34

Haven't anything to update, I'm afraid. Didn't say anything to DH about finding the e mails and there haven't been any other e mails between them since. I will keep checking, though. I don't have a plan or anything, it's just one day at a time at the moment.

OP posts:
mix56 · 12/03/2016 12:48

So how is he behaving? remorseful? trying to be nice? talking about it? avoiding you ?
or has it just been swept under the carpet?

No emails means nothing, they can have put it on hold over the w/e. they can snapchat, whatsap, text. it doesn't have to be email. Sorry

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 12/03/2016 14:07
Flowers

God, people are such fucking shits sometimes. Sorry you are going through this. I fully understand that 20 years and 2 children is something you are thinking carefully about.

blindsider · 13/03/2016 10:36

Carson

If you can bring yourself to do it, try and get a look at them when they meet at the Cafe, it will tell you everything you need to know!!

BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2016 05:13

It's not dodgy by the way, so long as you obviously pay all your tax / VAT and suppliers in the old business.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2016 05:14

Sorry. Wrong thread Blush

Bettydownthehall · 14/03/2016 13:46

How fucking miserable for you Carson. I have no idea what I would do in your situation either.

I don't think he is keeping the emails above board in case you find them, if he thought you might find them then he would probably communicate with her from a different address or mobile number.

They also don't look flirty either. Perhaps as it hasn't reached that yet. But he has told you he is falling for her so the intention is clearly there and he is actively persuing it. if you really do want to save your marriage then please talk to him about it before it goes too far. Or are you waiting to see whether it would reach that? that will be much more painful for you surely.