Should I say anything or just leave it?

[CarsonTheButler]

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP please ignore unpleasant people on here - that post saying your thread is not believable was rubbish.

Don't let these nasty things get you down - easy to do when you're already feeling low.

He wants you to meet her so that you can agree with him on just how fucking awesome she is. It's almost a shame you're not in the ME and can't get the pair of tears beheaded.

Twats not tears. My phones gone all "non sweary" om me...

It's almost a shame you're not in the ME and can't get the pair of twats beheaded.

Because people who commit adultery deserve to be beheaded?!

Jesus Christ do you hear yourself?

I wasn't actually being serious. I thought that was quite obvious.

Previous posters had wrongly assumed OP was in the ME hence my sick "joke". Hope this clears things up. It goes without saying, surely, that no one in the western world would ACTUALLY advocate death for adultery. Just like when someone may say "I'll kill such and such when I get my hands on him" it's not necessarily a threat to kill. Do you always take things so literally?

It doesnt sound like a joke and distasteful to joke about when people actually do get stoned to death for such a thing.

I think it's poor form to try and derail a thread that's been started on relationships for support. If you have an issue with my posts then either report or pm me so that I can ignore you . This isn't "chat" or "aibu" .Carson ha's posted here for support - I'm sure she doesn't want to witness two grown women arguing on her thread.

Previous posters had wrongly assumed OP was in the ME hence my sick "joke

No one had assume the OP was in the ME.

I posted as someone living in the ME and well aware of the toll expat life can make on a marriage.

One other posted then asked the OP if she was in the ME.

No assumptions were made.

The MN relationship boards can read like description of a medieval torture chamber at times with people suggesting all sorts of horribleness for someone when this kind of thing is going on. To be honest its hair raising . And for what its worth, even here women will say to a husband - you can thank your lucky stars you don't live in Saudi!

Re the sick joke. Dont give it another thought.

But I still can't project the anger I am feeling onto him, I don't know why. It's all on her and on myself right now

You can't do it because its terrifying. The minute you get angry with him you'll see how big this is and you're not ready for that right now.

There's also the fact we women have been taught over the the years that if a man has an affair its because the wife was lacking, and the OW should always have known better. Its both their faults the man did what he did!

But there's also the fact it would be very easy to be angry with someone you're husband thinks so much of. Its human nature.

I think there have been problems in your marriage for quite some time now that have perhaps been clouded by other things going on. However, that's not to say that what your husband did was ok because it wasnt!!!!!

I can see why you're going to give this another go but please keep in mind that any future you build with him has to be built on fact so I would suggest you get this out in the open and approach the OW and her husband. I wouldnt even tell him I was doing it. I would just do it. Of course he'll be mighty peed off when he finds out but this is your life and you deserve a future based on fact and nothing else.

IMO OP's post is believable, living in a small town on the east coast of the US as an expat (for instance...) could still be a culture shock. 'Divided by a common language' etc. IME people can seek solutions to stress or adverse events such as denial or ADs when the alternatives seems to awful to contemplate. The bad news is that there is always a point when the mind comes down from whatever has kept it going, that's why RL help is so important.

Ah well done Mumsnet Detectives, you've just managed to isolate the OP further by removing the only outlet she had in a time of crisis in her life... What a lovely supportive community!!!

Notonyournelly I feel a bit puzzled by your post. First you say "this is your husband"s responsibility and his alone". Then you go on to say "you, the injured woman, need to go and have this out with the ow", thus removing any responsibility for sorting the mess out from the man who caused it!

It is the Dh in this scenario that has the work to do. So far he has showed himself both incapable and unwilling to do that work.

Op I'm sorry to say this but from what he's said in your latest bug chat, this has gone a lot further (in his mind if not elsewhere) thN "starting to fall in love." He's not prepared to put you first and give her up.

To the pp who cast doubt on the op by saying there were too many reveals, too quickly to make this believable, I disagree. The op has been very slow and measured.

Er, Dutch if you're referring to me, I was talking about myself and my own experience, not the OP's.

What's not believable about it? People discover clues to an affair - and then a affair comes out quickly - all the time!

Something 'unbelievable' happened to me recently, involving my H having an affair at our shared workplace where I am MD, a tube-jump suicide death, more affair revelations about new women at work, a mystery and different woman observed on cctv at the tube station moments before his death....and still it keeps coming.

I'd have been so upset if someone on here had 'called bullshit.' It wasn't bullshit. It's my life, that was my husband, my career and I have three children under 7.

If you don't believe the thread, why don't you just leave it, rather than trying to gather support for your view - right in front of the OP- so a load of you can round on her. Pretty shitty.

I applaud you OP for not rising to it. It could tip some people over the edge.

Also glad to see majority of people on here ignoring it.

I imagine Dutch is referring to the couple of posters who have implied the OP's situation is not genuine

I think after all the shenanigans with IWashappy MNers may be a little more suspicious (it was quite an epic bit of trolling) but nothing Carson has said doesn't ring true to me. I've been there and seems very genuine to me. I've every sympathy for her and I think it's a huge shame we can't support her through this. MN was a massive support to me when I was having the same experience, when we eventually did split and in the aftermath.

I hope you come back OP. It can be a very lonely place.

People can be suspicious by all means, if that's how they feel. Then report the thread and leave.

It's the schoolgirl rounding on a person they don't know for sure (and anyone with a brain can see is for real) isn't genuine I object to. And the tacit and passive appealing to others to also call bullshit, to shame the person.

I also don't think it's fake in any way. Weird that people thought it was.hope op is ok and comes back for support as the way she described it she was fairly isolated in rl.

Really staggered (probably naively, being fairly new) at how unspeakably vile and unintelligent certain responses in this thread are. And I'm a pretty hard-faced customer in some respects.

For God's sake, a remedial student who accidentally overheard 10 seconds of a pre GCSE Psychology class could tell you that telling someone (especially someone in a crisis) how pathetic they are, or how weak and stupid their actions seem when THEY are suffering at somebody's hands is not only sadistic, but totally counterintuitive.

You can almost hear people foaming at mouth for the next update at times and the poor original poster has been on occasion lambasted with the use of labels that she has already (wrongly) used on herself. And as for adults with their own families hollering down people who suggest in defence of this lady that just packing your bags on the spot is not always feasible or wise... how could anyone be so dense?

And then have the gall to deny anyone has been OTT or aggressive at all when challenged? Fucking unbelievable.

OP, I have never been in your position, and I'm sure it's all been said before, but you have been immensely (sometimes painfully) eloquent in how you've put everything across, and I am desperately sorry for all your suffering. Please take care, and the very best of luck as things progress.

That last post wasn't aggressive at all, no siree.

Are we all feeling suitably chastised ?

Surely it's obvious that the appropriateness of aggression is almost entirely dependent on context? Whether or not somebody is being actively unpleasant is clearly to some extent a matter of opinion, but aggression (within limits) in response to arguably cruel remarks directed at a desperately unhappy and vulnerable individual is clearly very sharply different to aggression directed at the aforementioned individual to seemingly no end, and in such a manner as can only cause further upset?

I never condemned aggression in isolation - merely remarked, angrily yes, that aggression barrelled at a woman already at her lowest ebb that may only compound her unhappiness is way over the line.

Bearing in mind I didn't really go into specifics or isolate any particular comments - only referenced that certain ones were cruel - it is telling, IMO, that you interpreted that you were of their number. But never mind, eh.

Haven't checked the thread in a few days Carson just popping in to say hope you and DC are OK

Notonyournelly I feel a bit puzzled by your post. First you say "this is your husband"s responsibility and his alone". Then you go on to say "you, the injured woman, need to go and have this out with the ow", thus removing any responsibility for sorting the mess out from the man who caused it

No that's not what was meant but I can see why you think it was.

Brambly you are either reading a different thread to me or you are completely misreading the direct and practical advice of a lot of women who have been in the OP's shoes as aggression. Either way the tone of your last two posts is by far the most aggressive I've read on this thread and your derail is not helping the op one jot

Noton the ow is irrelevant here. The op is no more likely to get the truth out of her anyway. They've had plenty of time to get their story straight.

Anyway op, I hope you're ok. Do come back if you feel you'd like more support (which is overwhelmingly what you've had) or to vent or whatever and take care of yourself

Carson, I've read your thread over the last few weeks.
I respect you and I respect your wishes. I can see why you are thinking and behaving the way you are, but from an outside perspective and as someone who has experienced infidelity,, I think you are setting yourself up for a future of worse issues.

You are focusing on the fact that it's a short term dalliance. That's not the issue. The issue is his behavioral over the last weeks.

You are in a position where he is showing no respect for you, but you haven't lost all respect for him. It should be the other way round. You are creating a paradigm in your marriage where you are the one dancing to keep him and he is the one walking all over the boundaries you set, because he has more interest in the OW's feelings and takes her more seriously than he does you.

You told him there would be no third chance, and you've given him a third chance. You've told him he can continue this and that you will be OK with it.

He has NO INTEREST in fixing your marriage. He wants the status quo to continue.