AIBU to be on the brink of cracking up

[shrubbery]

My partner has issues, which, as you may have read, has been causing problems in our family life.
One of them is buying random drugs on the internet. A rattly package arrived today, so after he got home, opened it and went to have a bath, I checked his bag, (I've had to go to his GP before about stuff he was taking). I found the pills, but also noticed a small metal tin next to them. Inside it was a neatly folded tissue - and he never neatly folds anything. I carefully unfolded it and inside were 3 pubic hairs.
I am sitting here shaking and my palms are sweating. I think it is my flight response kicking in. I just want to run out of here in my pyjamas and never stop running.

But you wouldn't 'destroy lives'. Because the police aren't going to swoop in and arrest him just on your say-so. You present them with your suspicions. If you have no proof or if your allegations aren't enough they'll simply make a report and file it. But perhaps later, if this young man comes forward, your information will already be there to corroborate his story. And just so, there may already be suspicion surrounding your DH, either because of the drugs buying or perhaps someone else has reported his 'interest' in this boy and your suspicions may be what the police need to launch an investigation.

I think you're using 'fact', 'rational', and 'well-reasoned' to talk yourself into believing that you shouldn't do anything because you don't have 100% 'proof'. If everyone felt like that there would be very few crimes solved. It's quite often someone's feeling that something just isn't right so they call the police, or separate little pieces of information from here and there that add up to the whole picture and solve the case.

I'm having a hard time following your reasoning here, OP. Your posts last night had you wanting to run away and never stop running - now, you have just seem to assimilated his (very dubious) responses to your questions, and seem to think it's not that bad after all.

What you've posted still causes me serious concern for the welfare of this boy.

If GP has concerns for the welfare of a child. They also have a duty to report it.

I don't think I was reasoning. I was upset, freaked out by what I found and I think I jumped to some wild and very wrong conclusions.
I wish I had not posted anything. I can't deal with all of this anymore.

There was nothing weird about the bedding until it went missing. I had even sorted it for washing and there was nothing odd about it, other than it going missing. And now I've found it. It had just been put in a stupid place.

People are basing so much of this on things that I wrongly said in the heat of the moment. This is all terrifying me - how fast something can get so wildly inflated.
I found a tin of pubic hair when what I was actually doing was checking that he hadn't got some pills that were going to do him some harm. It freaked me out and my mind panicked and thought up all sorts of irrational explanations.

I want this to stop now. The boy's mother is extremely astute about the situations that you are fearing and is as far from naive about these things as it is possible to be. I was totally wrong to have not taken her example in her calm response to the talk I had with her.

I feel that I am being backed into a corner here and it feels more traumatic than anything my partner has ever done to me.

I think that's very relevant information from Lem (she's a scientist) about DNA and pubic hair and hair from the head. It does rather prove that this man is lying. And if the reason he gave today was true in his own mind, he could have said tat last night, but needed time to think of something he thought was plausible.

It's all very strange but for whatever reason you are not ready to leave OP though maybe you will in the future. As always on these threads everyone piles in telling you to leave and I think in the main people are concerned about you, but you will only leave when the time is right or not at all.

I don't think you are giving us the full story about the teenager next door and I agree there is not a lot the police will do, unless they are interested in the drugs. But I don't think you're going down that route OP. I just hope tat you will find the emotional strength to leave one day as this man is strange and potentially dangerous I think.

Thank you NanaNina. My partner is not a scientist and clearly does not think too clearly about things, otherwise he would not have ordered those pills in the first place (from what I have read, they are a drug that university students take to boost their performance in examinations.) I showed the pills to the GP and he was clearly not that concerned about him having got hold of them. I get the impression that it is not difficult.
I can well believe now that he would be that daft about the hair / testing thing.

I am sorry OP, but 'daft' is not the word that springs to mind on this thread.

People who have been groomed and abused badly need others to spot the signs and help them most of the time.

This ^^

You need to protect your son.

And this ^^

OP has also been groomed, I think.

I wonder how someone would try to get away with using purchased hair in a drug test. Wouldn't the tester want to collect the hairs directly in order to prevent that sort of thing?

OP please don't be too placated by what the mother says. She may only be hearing what he wants her to hear. By way of extreme example, one of my best friends was dropped off with her grandparents by her own mother for sleepovers for years. She was raped regularly by her grandfather. He had also done the same thing to her mum but she chose to believe nothing was happening. I'd get his computers looked at if you could think of a way of doing that? Police? I imagine that would be fairly incriminating.

I don't think any one of us wishes to back you into a corner and it makes me to sad to read that you feel as traumatised reading these posts as your partner makes you feel. It's always easy to have the answers reading someone else's posts? What line of work is your partner in? Just out of curiosity..I'm sure you want to leave but by telling yourself you need A,B, and C in place I feel you are allowing yourself to stay and even if they were in place something else would crop up? Sometimes we prove how strong we are when we just jump? Things fall into place, we find an inner strength we didn't know we had etc. I'm sure family and friends would lend support at what will be a horrible time....but just know that you and your son will surely come out of it stronger and better? Sending hugs and good wishes.

OP you mentioned he'd been searching quaaludes. They are powerful sedatives. How do you know the drugs are for you partner and not that used them on others, eg the neighbours son?

All highly speculative, but as per PPs, I think the collection of issues you've described is reason enough not to ignore this.

Even the most astute people can be blindsided by a kids that's being brainwashed and groomed by someone else.

OP - I have only just seen this thread, and I'm also saddened that you feel so pressured and backed into a corner by PPs. Also haven't used AS so am trusting that PPs paint an accurate picture from your other posts. /disclaimer

I'm another MNer who escaped an abusive relationship. I was groomed into accepting a shitload of unacceptable things over several months/years. It took someone I trusted and respected saying "this is not okay" for me to start making concrete steps to leave. I'm glad that you already have that in your head; it sounds like you have it worse than I did, but with a DC to worry about as well.

FWIW, my abusive ex had me running around trying to find him weed from somewhere because "he was a recovering cocaine addict and it helped him stay clean". This made perfect sense to me at the time. I hope it seems as mad as it was to anyone reading.

I second third contacting both the police and WA. Yes, you were distressed when you posted, but unless you are a total fantasist - and I don't believe that you are - the facts are the same, and they're worrying a lot of us. Let the police sort it out.

Wishing you strength - please keep us updated and ask for any support/advice you need - there will be someone on here with the requisite expertise.

You hinted at everything sinister then acted shocked when people tried to advise you what to do in the worst case scenario, I don't think anyone jumped to conclusions that you yourself didn't bring to the table. Get out of there, the drugs around kids is enough it's very dangerous. If he's messing around on the dark net God knows what else he's doing.

As for the teenage neighbour, how old is your husband? I have friends that are older and have done since I was a teenager but only through meeting at college and through common interests and hobbies like art and music, I wouldn't really be comfortable befriending someone next door without any sort of connection or mutual hobby I would definitely smell a rat.

Never ignore your instincts, he's done nothing to quell your doubts other than telling you to mind your own business and telling you a blatant lie. If you are happy to be fobbed off that's one thing but please try to keep your son safe from this.

OP, I don't think you understand what the police or social services are for.

You raise a concern.
They investigate.

You don't need proof to go to them. You suspect something is terribly wrong. It may be there's nothing to act on since the boy is no longer a minor. But you raise the concern and they look into it.

I feel so sorry for the OP :(

Yet again, support is offered in the first instance and when the OP doesn't call the police, social services and the FBI, leave under cover of darkness it seems like people are disappointed that the little soap opera has stalled. It happens time and time again.

Yes there are very strange and worrying things going on, I'm not sure how the pubic hair is of relevance here and what the relationship with the young lad is, other than inappropriate. What is clear is that the OP is unhappy in this relationship with a controlling, manipulative and potentially abusive man. That she needs support and information on where to turn when the time is right. She has already contacted women's aid.

She has been accused of thinking more of money than her child's safety because she hasn't just left with her child and the clothes they are standing in. Of course she wants to protect her security for the future, why should she just walk away from what i assume she has invested time and money into?

Now she is back tracking, not because she hasn't been truthful or exaggerating but because she feels overwhelmed and has been made to feel even worse about herself than she already does.

I know people mean well, but christ on a bike, this isn't an episode of eastenders where the whole of someone's life is played out over the space of an hour. Its real life and aside from all the drama, there will be a child that needs its dinner, house keeping clean, clothes washed, etc.

The best advice i can offer you OP is to talk to women's aid if you haven't already about where you stand legally regarding the house, get a solicitor if you can and see absolutely where you stand. Find someone in RL to stand by you and hold your hand, fight your corner - you'll have to be very strong and you will, but you do things in your own time, not mumsnet time.

If I found some pubes in a tissue in a box, I'd think.someone went a bit odd when tidying up and I'd throw them away.

It wouldn't make me feel sick, in pain, or think they must belong to the teenager next door.

You have instincts for a reason, they are millions of years old and as humans we have survived as a species on our instincts.

I don't want you in a relationship where thr world is so dark and so scary and you are afraid. I think that's what you live with all the time, underneath.

There is so much freedom in the world. Call Women's Aid and have a chat

0808 2000 247

Netflix - thats a good point actually, my best friend is 20 years my senior, i was in her son's class at school. When i was until i had my DD at 19 we had a wild old time, schlepping around the town getting pissed. We also went on the piss with her elderly mother (God that woman could drink). Was it an innapropriate friendship? absolutely not - an unusual one and we got up to all sorts (alcohol fueled) and lots of scrapes But i look back on it fondly. At first my mum was concerned (and a bit jealous) and did spread a rumour that my friend was gay - she wasn't. Ironically, probably due to age thing, mum mum and my friend bonded over gardening (once my friend had settled with her BF 14 years her junior - he was 24 when they met, not a child) they developed a closer friendship than my friend and I and we sort of drifted, so now its my mum who calls DF occasionally rather than me. So yes, its perfectly feasible that there can be friendships between people with a big age gap.

that is not saying that the relationship with the neighbours lad is OK, the op is not comfortable with it and that suggests that it absolutely isn't ok, but lets give the OP the respect and support to sort this out in a timely manner.

shrubbery how are you today?

I can feel that this thread has been very overwheleming for you as all the posters seem to point out to the same thing, that he is lying and might be abusive and a risk both to NDN and to your ds.
It is not a nice thing to hear, especially when you hear that about your DH...

Please keep this thread somewhere (a link on your computer, a paper copy, whatever) to read again when you don't feel as overwhelmed.
I agree it's very easy to jump to conclusions but I actually think this is not up to you to do the investigations and to come up to a conclusion (that's what the Police and SS are for). But you can certainly keep in mind the things you know.
That he lied to you.
That is behaviour is at least very surprising, like he is trying to hide things (see his computers!).
That he is using drugs.
That he thinks it's OK to tell you you don't understand/are stupid/it's all in your head, when there are clearly some weird thngs going on.

However one thing has really jumped out to me. It's the fact you don't want to leave your ds with his dad on his own.
Seen that you don't trust your DP with your (and his !) own child, please take every measure you an to protect you and your ds. Maybe, at the moment, it's ensuring your ds is never with him on hos own. Maybe later, you will it safer to be leaving the relationship.

In the mean time, carry on asking for help like you have done with the GP and checking what the pills were.
As you say, the GP can't do anything if your DP diesn't want the help. But it will help YOU to know what you are facing in yoour own home.

Don't minimise his behaviour. What he is doing, wo all the potential other issues rauised ion this thread, is NOT what a kind nice man would do.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words.
I have talked to my mother and told her everything. She knows him personally and what he is like, so it is helping me to believe that the advice she is giving me is backed up by her own knowledge of him over many years and not just what I have said when I was distressed and calling out for help.
I am going to get through this one step at a time. I am not going to just walk out as my son deserves this home far more than his father does.
Thank you again.

I'm so glad you have some support now. Well done OP

Hi Shrubbery I'm not surprised you feel "backed into a corner" by everyone piling in telling you what to do. I think Lem's post above says it all really, and she's right, it does happen all the time and what I can never understand is how posters get annoyed (even angry) if the OP doesn't immediately do what they say - police, WA, LTB (leave the bastard) and I think Lem has hit the nail on the head saying they are "disappointed that the little soap opera has stalled."

I have had incredible insults because I have said the it is up to the OP what she will do and we only know a tiny bit of the problem, just a few lines of text on a screen. They then turn on me and make all sorts of allegations as to why I am not in the LTB brigade. I have had several OPs send me PMs because like you they feel backed into a corner as more and more posters pile in telling her what to do. As Lem says it's easy to be on the sofa at home tapping away on a laptop, much harder to up stakes and move out.

I'm glad you've talked to your mother and hope that one way or the other you will find some peace in your life.