AIBU to be on the brink of cracking up

[shrubbery]

My partner has issues, which, as you may have read, has been causing problems in our family life.
One of them is buying random drugs on the internet. A rattly package arrived today, so after he got home, opened it and went to have a bath, I checked his bag, (I've had to go to his GP before about stuff he was taking). I found the pills, but also noticed a small metal tin next to them. Inside it was a neatly folded tissue - and he never neatly folds anything. I carefully unfolded it and inside were 3 pubic hairs.
I am sitting here shaking and my palms are sweating. I think it is my flight response kicking in. I just want to run out of here in my pyjamas and never stop running.

This has been the most ridiculous thread I have ever read on here! OP, read your first post again.

"So you are going to do nothing about his peculiar relationship with your neighbour's son?"
I've already spoken to his mother of my concerns, which she does not share. She could stop them from spending time together if she were worried, but I cannot influence anything my partner does. The boy is 17 and so can legally do what he wants. I have absolutely no proof that anything untoward has happened and so I am not in any position to intervene.

"You are going to ignore the fact that he is buying illegal drugs from the internet and leaving them within reach of your son?"
Absolutely not. The first thing I did was take them to the GP and explain the situation. It is all on his notes now. The GP categorically stated that he could do nothing to help my partner with any of his issues, despite the fact that it must be harmful to his health and is ruining his family, unless my partner himself asked for help himself.
I am very careful to check what my partner may have left lying around that could harm our son, whether it be vitamins with the lid not on properly, paracetamol or what ever else he has. Hence I found the other pills. I also do not leave my son alone with his father. That is one of the reasons I am not rushing into leaving without having planned everything properly - if l were to leave, my partner would have the right to still see his son, but I would not be there to check that the environment was safe for him, which I think would be putting him at far more risk than he is now.

I am sorry that Paula finds this thread ridiculous, but I have had so much stress to deal with over all of this, that finding something like that tin last night just pushed me one step too far, when I had been trying so hard to keep it all together for my son's sake - finding a job, arranging help and solicitors and making a plan. Maybe others would handle things differently, but I am doing my best and trying to do what is right for my son in the long term.

I know that your head must be in a bad place right now but in your position I would be talking to the police. The public hair is irrelevant.

It sounds like the boy next door has been groomed. He is very much at risk as are you. Normal grown men do not go away for a week with teenage boys on their own. I would bet a large amount of money that if the police investigated they would discover child pornography on his computer and possibly evidence of grooming other teens around the country. I think you'd be exceedingly naive to let this go. Of course it could all be innocent but I'd be surprised if it was.

People get away with grooming and abuse because people don't expect it to be going on under their noses. I always think of the American kid, Breck, who was murdered having been groomed. Since his death the police should be much more aware of the signals.

Do what you need to do to be safe but don't believe him when he says you're crazy. I'm sure he's done a great job of making you doubt yourself.

The bedding having been washed and stored by him is ringing huge alarm bells for me op. It's also irrelevant that the boy lives with his mother. If your partner has groomed the boy she still would probably be completely oblivious.

Please do something about this.

I find it very odd that the woman finds nothing wrong with her teenage son going off with the man next door. How old was the son when this started? Do you think your partner could have got him into drugs? If it's nothing more sinister.

If you are so worried abut leaving your ds with his dad on his own, then you really need to do something about all the stuff you have learnt. Yesterday's and the times before that.
You need to have as many as his strange behaviours recorded as possible. Incl the pube hair. Incl the drugs. Incl his email saying he has an issue with alcohol.

You need to go back to the GP with the new drugs.
Keep a record of everything. Use email to talk with him so have a trace.

And go and see a lawyer and WA asap

And YY about NDN and grooming.

At the very least, mention it to the police so there is a record (again)

This thread is absolutely weird.

What is scary is how quickly your head has gone to deep dark thoughts.

When you feel safe, when you separate I think you should go to the police, with a friend. I would say "I want to talk to you about my Ex. He is very protective over his computer, never ever leaves it unguarded. I know he has been buying illegal drugs online. I've found a bag of X amount, I suspect he might be selling them. I took them to the GP. I am also very concerned that he had an inappropriate relationship with a child who lived next door, they spent a lot of time together when the neighbour was under-age, and he was very careful to wash bed linen which is very unusual for him.

"I can appreciate how this seems very suspicious considering we are no longer in a relationship but in all conscience I am very worried about under-age grooming, illegal drugs and inappropriate content on his personal computers and felt I had to report it.

With a bit of luck, the police might find something to help you ban unsupervised content and possibly do something to help the boy next door. His mother sounds awful

I would actually mention Ian Watkins to the police, they didn't listen to his Ex in case she was being malicious but I'm sorry OP, either you are a nuts or your ex is. I hope very much it's him and you can sort your way out asap.

Take as many pictures of anything like inappropriate tablets left out or any unsafety and try and get as much detail on financial paperwork as best you can.

it is highly unlikely that dna could be retrieved from hair if it was cut as there is actually no DNA in hair. Dna is obtained from the hsir folicles and these are present when the hair is plucked. as for alcohol i'll have to google.

That is one of the reasons I am not rushing into leaving without having planned everything properly

I'm not being goady, I'm just curious. What will 'planned properly' be when it's accomplished?

I agree with Maryz.

If everything you have written is true, you are seriously under-reacting.

You can't leave your son and your neighbour's son at this man's mercy because you are worried about rights To the house. That is just wrong.

Oh God, yes it is OP. Is that what is worrying you?

ok . it seems you can assess if someone has consumed alcohol RECENTLY from pubic hair however head hair is preferable so no need for pubes and they need ALOT of hait "3cm and the thickness of a pencil" is required. So whilst it looks like he did a bit of flash research into testing of pubes he clearly didn't read into it that much. it took me less than a minute to discover this.

So he is clearly lying. why? i guess only he knows.

Sorry it seems your more concerned about money than possible child abuse, buying illegal drugs and neglect.
He would be arrested anyway I imagine if you spoke to the police and could you not escape or have him removed then?
Way to go on the priorities front.... and still you remain....

It's got nothing to do with you why, there no reason for you to be interested

^^THIS SAYS IT ALL

I don't know how you can stay with your son in the same house as someone you suspect of paedophilia, there would be a me shaped hole in the front door I'd leave so fast.

Please get help and ideally out, NOW.

Just to say, OP, I was groomed and sexually abused from the age of 11 up until I was 18.

To this day, whenever I see an older man with a younger boy, alarm bells ring.

Unless they were going away to pursue a hobby/activity together - and even then I'd worry!

Document everything. If you insist on staying you need to take photos, document his comings and goings. Does he sleep in the same room as you? If he thinks ur onto him he may have his guard up so u need to be clever, and safe. Prioritise urself and dc.
Leave.
Women's aid will help you, you have nothing to fear.
When he's arrested you'll get the house anyway. Please be safe and don't let him gas light you.

Maryz "In fact, either you know for sure you are imagining all this...If you do nothing, then you are definitely negligent."

I don't think it is that simple. I know some facts, i.e. them spending time together. I had some scared thoughts last night - I was deeply upset at the time and made it clear that I was speculating. A lot of people have been trying to fill in the blanks. I do not know the true answers. They do not know the true answers.
I cannot simply make such serious allegations that would destroy lives when I have no evidence of any wrong doing. We are in a difficult relationship and his keeping me in the dark about his life makes it easier to fear the worst and jump to awful conclusions, but in the light of day, I cannot justify acting in an irrational manner based on how I felt at a very low and scared moment.

I am not an irresponsible person and I have had to make plenty of difficult decisions in the past, but none that are not well reasoned and based on carefully considered fact.

HEllo OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread out of AIBU to relationships or elsewhere won't you?

It isn't about filling in the blanks. It's about serious alarm bells ringing. You can make allegations, they are warranted. The most important thing is protecting both your child and your neighbour's son because they are young and at risk.

Your dp has heavily protected his pc
He works away frequently
He takes illegal drugs and most likely accesses the dark web to do so
He went away for a week with a 17 year old when he's not been away with you before. They spend a lot of time together.
On his return he's gone so far as to hide and then wash bedsheets.
There have been incidents of aggression and threats made against you?

These are very serious things when all put together. There is a very small possibility he is innocent and the police would find nothing and it would be disruptive and upsetting for him but ok, that's unfortunate but survivable. There is a much larger chance that something serious is going on. People who have been groomed and abused badly need others to spot the signs and help them most of the time. Often they have no idea how much they've been manipulated.

I'm sorry I'm laying it on thick. You must be distressed and scared and confused. But please take time to think. Most people turn a blind eye to abuse and thus people get away with it for years. Interestingly, there is a programme on BBC iplayer about Breck right now. His mother desperately wants people to be more aware of the signs of grooming. You can watch it here

Sorry you are having such a hard time op.

But... isn't it better to make a stand and report your suspicions about your husband and the boy next door and be wrong, than live with the knowledge that you were right but did nothing. I work with young men of this age they are vulnerable and not suddenly adults just because of a birthday

Your dp has heavily protected his pc
He works away frequently
He takes illegal drugs and most likely accesses the dark web to do so
He went away for a week with a 17 year old when he's not been away with you before. They spend a lot of time together.
On his return he's gone so far as to hide and then wash bedsheets.
There have been incidents of aggression and threats made against you?

This surely if you went to the poli ce with these concerns. You could get him out of the house and use these concerns to get supervised access to your son.

You're making alot of excuses for this man I know it's easy for me to say but you need to get this sorted. I don't know why you're going to your dp's gp why not go to the police about his illegal pill usage? Surely a judge wouldn't let a drug user have unsupervised access with a child.