AIBU to be on the brink of cracking up

[shrubbery]

My partner has issues, which, as you may have read, has been causing problems in our family life.
One of them is buying random drugs on the internet. A rattly package arrived today, so after he got home, opened it and went to have a bath, I checked his bag, (I've had to go to his GP before about stuff he was taking). I found the pills, but also noticed a small metal tin next to them. Inside it was a neatly folded tissue - and he never neatly folds anything. I carefully unfolded it and inside were 3 pubic hairs.
I am sitting here shaking and my palms are sweating. I think it is my flight response kicking in. I just want to run out of here in my pyjamas and never stop running.

Keep going with the list. Lots of facts, no opinions (at all!), no speculation

That's what solicitors, and subsequently courts, need

Anyone who could back you up by corroborating even one or two of them would help enormously

I'm not surprised you don't want to leave your DS alone with him Shrubbery, that list makes scary reading. It's vital you keep your guard up while you're gathering your evidence and making your plans, be really careful that list can't be found and that your internet history can't be tracked by him. I keep coming back to how secretive he is with his computers too, I don't think for one second you should jeopardise your safety by trying to snoop but, depending on what your suspicions actually are about what might be on them, I do wonder whether they might provide more back up for your case to prevent unsupervised contact with your son. Something to think about for when you do eventually leave, it wouldn't be safe for you to touch them until then but, if your suspicions are strong enough you could hand anything you know where to find over to the police when you go or at least report your concerns and let the police go and find them. It's hard to tell from your posts early on in this thread exactly what you suspect might be on them and I appreciate you don't want to say too much here so I could be barking up the wrong tree but you sounded worried about them at the time so I just thought it was worth mentioning. You sound very calm and focused on what you need to do now, keep working on that plan for yours and DS's future, freedom is in sight

If parents can't agree about the arrangements for the children after a separation/divorce, the matter ends up in the Family Court. There will be a social worker from CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory Service) who will investigate the circumstances, write a report and make a recommendation to the court. Parents in this position are compelled to have mediation in order to try to prevent a court hearing. There is no legal aid for these private law cases so unless you can afford a lawyer you have to represent yourself. There are books available now about how to do this. At the end of the hearing the judge makes a Child Arrangement Order, meaning that he decides which parent the child has his permanent home and almost always awards contact to the other parent. He will define the frequency of contact.

Courts tend to work on the principle that a child has the right to have a relationship with both parents as he is growing up and it's almost always unsupervised contact. Supervised contact is usually used when a parent (usually a father) has not had any contact with the child for some considerable time.

IF this matter ends up in the Family Court I think the list you have made will be useful. However you do have to think I terms of the best interests of the child which I know you are doing. It's just that Judges get very impatient with warring parents who are trying to score points over each other. I hope you can work something out so that it doesn't end up in the Family Court as it's a long winded, stressful process and the child inevitable knows that his parents are fighting over him, which can cause him a great deal of emotional harm.

Yes, that's what I meant. But you need to realize that most of the things you've listed, whilst real concerns, fall into 'he said/she said' and usually the courts err on the side of allowing contact. Sometimes it's enough to make the parent straighten up, at least when they have the child. Most times it's not.

My BFF's ex was just plain neglectful. When she got their son back he was usually dirty, very hungry, and with more bumps and bruises than were normal (he didn't physically hit, he just didn't keep a close eye on a rambunctious toddler). He was a drug user who consorted with hookers. I mean, he had them at his house (not paying for 'services', they just hung out there to get high & he'd drive them to 'work'). He routinely drove drunk/high. He had unsecured firearms in the house. All these things were listed as concerns. The problem was that there was no PROOF. It was all yes you do/no I don't. So basically he was granted unsupervised visits with it written in that IF he were caught doing any of the things she was concerned about, contact would/might be restricted or stopped. What was laughable was that the court then imposed the same criteria on HER! Then to make it worse, if she wanted to force him to take a drug test, SHE had to pay for it at $100.00 a pop, money she could ill afford.

The good thing was that once she was able to put on a face and pretend she was glad he was 'taking him off her hands' he pretty much stopped contact. As long as he knew it upset her, he wanted the child. But once that satisfaction was gone, he wasn't interested. Sick

That's a helluva list, Shrubbery! Now, keep it diarised, so each new incident is written down, with date. Contemporary diary-type stuff is not actual evidence, I think, but add weight to it, so definitely worth doing.

Agree with Jux about recording each event. If it's not permitted as evidence as least you will be able to recall details when you need and they will be accurate as its so easy to forget things.

Bit of an update.
I had been trying to plan for a future without him, step by step.
Yesterday was pretty awful - I found out yet another very upsetting thing about him and consequently spent all of today juggling having a meeting at my soon to be work, talking to my parents about how to get away from him, talking to Women's Aid for support, talking to my solicitor about serving him with an occupation order and trying to be happy for my son.
It all went far far beyond what I thought I could ever cope with and I rang him at work to beg him not to come home tonight. He refused to stay away, but has, finally, after years of misery and him being in denial about himself, conceded that we are going to separate and has agreed to discuss things and plan for the future.
I am both shocked and relieved. He has no idea how close he came to being in court over this. Part of me is unsettled though. He obviously has another plan now for his future that requires me to be out of the way - he would not do this for any reason other than himself. I could speculate as to what he may be planning, but I regretted doing that earlier in this thread. I guess all will become clearer as time goes on, and I will just have to deal with whatever that reality may be, but, for now, this is progress I think.

Stay strong and play your cards close to your chest....

Stay strong, say little, agree with nothing, see your solicitor.

Agree, you need to see a sollicitor asap.
Don't tell him anything about the Police and the occupation order. But be sure all those are recorded with them.

Don't agree anything with him and try and do things in writting (email/text) so you have a trace.

Keep strong. :)

Feeling more miserable than ever.
I thought his agreeing to separate yesterday was a step forwards.

I sent him this email:
"Can you give me a brief outline of what you expect our future living arrangements are going to be regarding the house.
I am supposed to be signing a contract for my new job, but this is based on the presumption that -insert child's name- and I will be living here and not having to move away and change schools."

This was his reply:
"I'm not moving out any time soon if that's what you're thinking. I will not have my or your future adversely impacted because were not in that relationship anymore. So sign away, focus on your new career and let things continue as they are and lets treat each other nicely. This weekend we will discuss and come up with a plan based on what we want to achieve. X"

(please note the kiss at the end)

To me, what he wrote means that I have to carry on doing everything I do around the home, cleaning up after him and look after our son and work full time, but, as we are "no longer in that relationship" he means that he can do what ever the hell he likes, but that I now not only have no right to question what he does, but now I have no right to be affected by what he does either.
To me it just feels like he has put me in an even weaker position.
The only positive I can see is that again, he has not questioned the idea of our son being with me.

What is the living situation - mortgage or rent? In both your names?

Are you married or just living together?

All this will make a difference. But whatever happens you need a proper separation, and that means not living in the same house as him, and him paying you child support.

Can you afford to live there on your own, once you start your new job?

ps. if you get an occupation order in your favour, he won't have any choice but to move out.

greenwood I started a thread in divorce / separation about those issues, I would be glad of some advice. Currently I just want to be rid of him, but that may be something I'd regret financially in the future.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/2583138-Clean-break-vs-child-maintenance

I'm speaking to the solicitor next week about options for getting him to leave.
From what I've read, your partner has to have put you in danger within the last 10 days for an occupation order to be issued?

OK, don't panic yet. And you don't have to carry on doing everything. Theoretically you could become 'roommates'. You look after your own self, he looks after himself. That means each of you do your own laundry and pick up after yourselves. How caring for your child works and division of housework goes would have to be something you negotiated. But under NO circumstances should you continue to be his 'wife' and what that entails.

I'd reply
"Yes, I'd like to focus on my new job and for us to treat each other nicely. But we won't be able to 'let things continue on as they are' with regards to household matters. As we will essentially be roommates until you move out (see how I've inserted that you expect him to leave at some point?) we will need to come up with a 'plan' in which we both assume equal responsibility for caring for DS and keeping the house habitable."

Even if he kicks off I'd make it clear that you will not be doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking for him, or providing any 'domestic services'.

But see your solicitor ASAP.

Thanks pond. Unfortunately, he does pretty much nothing around the house anyway. He cooks at the weekends, but makes and leaves a disgusting mess in the process. If I don't clean up after him, the place looks like a squat within 12hrs.
There already is no division of housework or childcare or diy or gardening - I do all of it, otherwise it would not happen. I am just expected to be here 24/7 whilst he comes and goes as he pleases. Occasionally he tells me where he is going, but that is as far as it goes, only now I'm sure he won't see any reason to ever tell me.
He has had no interest in me being his 'wife' since I got pregnant, so no worries there. Besides, Wednesday evening he went out for 4 hours, got back at midnight and left his pants covered in spunk (sorry if TMI) on top of the laundry basket, so clearly he has a new outlet for his 'wife requirements' anyway.
I wish he would just go away.

I forgot to say - straight after I saw the dirty pants, I found the box of chocolates he had left on the table for me for our anniversary.
Seriously, what on earth goes through the mind of a man that can behave like that. Why bother with the chocolates ffs! (Or why not just give them to whoever he was with that evening???)

But that's the point, shrub. Just because you have been doing it doesn't mean you have to continue now that both of you agree you are separating. Just because he expects it, doesn't mean you have to do it. That's why I say you tell him things need to change. He's already agreed that your marriage is over. Is it a case where you think he'll say "fuck that, it's still your job to take care of everything plus work your new job"? In that case, you just stop.

If he won't agree to dividing the household chores (as ANY roommates do, remind him of that), then you do it on your own. His dirty laundry (including his spunk covered pants, gag!) go into a separate basket. And they sit until he does his own laundry. You sort out 2 or 3 sets of dishes and cutlery for you and DS. You cook enough for you and DS, you wash only what you and DS use and you put them away where Mr SpunkPants won't find them. You pick up after you and DS. Think about what your sleeping/bathroom arrangements are/will be. If you are in a separate room or in with DS, move your things and let Mr Spunkpants clean his own room. If you have two bathrooms, set one up for you and DS and clean only that. You have to say to yourself "If he were gone and I was taking in a lodger/roommate what would I expect of that person?".

I understand that if you are extremely 'house proud' or squeezed into a teeny house/flat it may be easier for you to continue looking after the house than seeing his house-mess. But you need to think and decide if you're doing going to continue to clean up after him (other than laundry, you stop doing that that RIGHT NOW!!! ) because it makes you feel more comfortable personally OR if you're doing it simply to build more resentment and anger against him. Because that would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. He doesn't care if he makes you mad.

Afterthought; Of course, I've always had a place of financial equality in my marriages (first abusive one and my current one) and I live near my family so I understand this is all really easy for me to say. I know not everyone is in the position I have and that not everyone is in the position to just leave if things are intolerable. Plus where I live leaving the marital home doesn't affect your financial interest in it in a divorce.

Shrubbery I don't think there's a hope in hell of P moving out. What is the situation with your house are you renting/buying on mortgage. If it's a private rent you could leave with your son and get another private rent. I don't know where you are of course (just hope it's not London) because of the extortionate cost of private rent and you'll need a month's rent in advance and a fairly hefty deposit. Sometimes the Council will loan you the months rent in advance and the deposit. I don't know what your financial situation is - but you might be eligible for Housing Benefit to help with the rent. It would be a hassle but at least you'd be away from him.

If you have a mortgage you would have to put the house up for sale and divide the equity to help you buy or rent somewhere for you and your son.

SHELTER are an excellent housing charity and there's a lot of info on their website but you can talk to someone there, though you might have to wait for a while as it's always busy.

I don't think you can trust a word that the P says and I don't think trying to communicate by text is a good idea to be honest. The other thing is do you have a friend/relative who would put you up while you sort something out.

Nana, why is text not a good idea? OP needs a paper trail. (Genuine question.)

Yes I get the paper trail idea. My comment about not texting was simply because it's a complicated matter and I don't think you can sort things out in a text. E mails might be better?

Ah, I see. Thanks, Nana.

Shrubbery, yes, it's all complicated, and so texts (and even emails) might be a more difficult means of sorting things out than just talking, but my own opinion is that it's better to have the paper trail. Entirely up to you, though, and obviously no one here can make that decision for you.

I will say that if you choose not to use text or email, to make notes on any conversations with date and time (ish), just in case. I think he'll say a lot of things and then go back on them.

If you told me what you have written here in real life I would have felt it necessary to make a safeguarding referral to childrens' services.
There is enough concern from what you have written to justify an investigation into child sexual exploitation - adult male who has lost sexual interest in his partner, who is very secretive about his computer use, and who spends a large amount of time alone with a significantly younger immature male and possibly is paying for holidays etc alone with him.
As you say there my be nothing in it at all but there are enough alarm bells ringing for me and at the end of the day safeguarding is not the same as a criminal investigation - it puts the affected child's needs first.